Regulus woke up when Barty – as loud as always – came back into their room after his daily morning round of Quidditch practice. He rubbed his face, reaching out for his alarm clock resting peacefully beside his bed, raising one of his eyebrows skeptical, as he noticed that Barty gave him more sleep than usual. "Did the spirit of Christmas got you or is it your daddy issues, that are the reason for your lack of sleep?"
Crouch jr. looked wrathful to the black-haired curly head, who was even more bitter than normal. At least he was talking, which wasn't the case for their first year in Hogwarts. Without any warning, Regulus shut down and went silent, until school started again and he was able to focus on his academic validation rather than his emotions. Since then, his friends tried everything possible to avoid this condition of his – sadly they weren't successful until their third year.
"As much as I like the sight of your pretty face, Reggie, I would rather have Evan stuck here with me, than you" he tosses sullen his broom onto his bed, then heads off to the bathroom with fresh clothes in his hand, more than ready to wash off the dirt – and the thoughts of his Family, which were really a curse. Why did Regulus Black always hit the mark? Thank God Pandora was also stuck with them over the Christmas Holidays, since she seemed to be as lucky as him with her family, given the fact that she always said a different surname when asked.
"Being surrounded by someone who doesn't melt because of every stupid word you say is something that will be good for you" was the last thing Crouch jr. heard from outside, before he turned on the ice-cold water in the shower, to turn off his feelings. After all, he was grateful for Regulus being a tiny distraction. It was already their fourth year at Hogwarts during the Holidays – even though his mother nearly begged him to come home as every year. But he can't. He can't stand his father. He can't stand the table conversations. He can't stand the reproachful look of his little sister, while he tried to stop his parents from talking badly about his friends' families.
And that's exactly why he leaves Hogwarts only for the summer holidays every year – which are worse since this habit of him. Of course, his sister reports diligently about every single tiny rumor of his so said loyalty to the dark lord and his parents send him several letters which should call to his senses, but he didn't even open them after the fifth one and keeps them closed in a box under his bed. He was sorry, he really was, but he wouldn't dare to leave Regulus alone with this burden. If he would, he could kill his friends by himself.
If only his sister wouldn't be so distant... She turned away from him and decided to see him as the destroyer of the family just so she can keep even the slightest touch of a father figure. It was nearly the same as Regulus and Sirius. Maybe that's why they got along so well. Both young men did spend countless nights on the floor, crying in silence together. But when they talked, their conversations were always full of comprehension, dripping with comfort and safety. Barty believed that these conversations were keeping them both alive, made sure that they both got thru this huge Bullshit without going insane – even though his father always claimed that he already lost his. Just another reason to be the absolutely worst version of himself.
When he left the bathroom after some time, he was dressed in fresh clothes and a new, stronger wall around himself, but Regulus fell asleep again with a book in his hand after he got obviously ready. Oh, he was going to curse Barty with his whole bilingual vocabulary. But there was no way how he could avoid the hard process of waking up the younger Black Brother. At the very latest when Regulus will see Sirius at the Gryffindor Table, he would start to tell stories of their childhood and at least eat a bit, while Barty would listen and appreciate the proof of trust, even though he already knew all story's since there weren't many happy memories of his friends' childhood that he could tell.
"Reg, Come on. Wakey wakey. If you don't wake up, I need to rouse you and that's something I rather don't, if I'm honest" a really bad-tempered growl left Regulus' mouth, while he simply turned around and buried his head in his pillow. Barty pulled the corners of his mouth down. Regulus hates being woken up and he hates being touched while he is in this concerning state of emotions. But he hates missing his breakfast even more, so there was no fucking way around this.
Timid, Barty pulled his wand, levitated the pillow away from Regulus' head, and poked him a few times with it - unsuccessful. That's why he reached out a hand – as brave as he used to be from time to time- and shake Regulus' bony shoulder as hard as he could until Regs' hand started to move. In a rush, Barty jumped away into safety and watched, how the morning grouch lash about himself until he sat himself sleepy up. "Come on, you want to see your Brother, don't u?"
"Hmpf" still half asleep, but smooth as always, Regulus swung himself on his feet to pass by his friend and make his awful way into the great hall. He was right. He wanted to see Sirius. It was their own tiny Christmas tradition. They never celebrated Christmas and understood each other's pain. Even though they didn't look at each other often, because they remember themselves of their parents, they exchanged every Christmas eve those tiny little looks, which were so full of love and nostalgia and pain and regret. And yet they never exchange a word.
But when Regulus entered the great hall, two students were missing at the Gryffindor table. That couldn't be true... They always waited, even when that meant, that one of them was completely alone at the table until they saw each other. Did Sirius sleep in? Were Remus and him distracted by other things? But Sirius would never just... forget him? Or did this mean nothing to him? Did he have too much hope once again? The same as he thought, he and Sirius would always be so close? The same as he thought, Sirius would find a way to snuck Regulus with him into Hogwarts a year before he became a student there? Not leaving him alone with their parents? But Sirius wouldn't do this...right?
"Oh" Barty sharply sucked in the air, while he patted Regulus' back soothing and softly navigates him to the Slytherin Table. "He will surely arrive soon. Should I wait with you this year?"
"No, thanks. You shouldn't be wasting your time just because he's such an idiot and oversleeps breakfast" his Jaw muscles were tense, while he watched his brown-haired friend make two plates for them and looked at him requesting, wanting to motivate him to eat. And he did eat, following this silent please, even though he would rather spit out every tiny bit. In the back of his head, he heard this voice screaming at him to stop eating right now, remembering him of the fact that if he would be home right now, he wouldn't even get a glass of water because of how furious his parents would be with Sirius. But he eats, even if it was only for Barty.
Barty, who puts so hilarious much effort into him each year, making Regulus ask himself, how he should ever pay him back for this. He doesn't get, how Barty could put so much time into him, so much trust and love, so much concern and benevolence. He often asked him, what his plan was, even drugged him with Veritaserum, just because he couldn't believe that Barty didn't have any back thoughts while befriending him. But this brown-haired guy just smirked at him, raising one eyebrow and asking him smugly, if he was hoping for a love confession, because – even though he would prefer it much more if it was Evan who woke up next to him ,,preferably without clothes" – Regulus would still get one if it could convince him, that Barty found in him one of the most important persons in his life and that he couldn't imagine a future without his dear friend. After that, Regulus stormed out of the room, hiding himself and crying until the serum lost its effect.
When the food disappeared from the tables and the house elves hushed Regulus out of the great hall to clean it, there was a sharp pain in his heart. Sirius didn't show up. Remus also didn't. That's why he shambles back into his dorm, where Barty – who went back before Regulus – used his absence to play his e-guitar and didn't stop when the young Black arrived. He nodded to him, hoping that he could read it right as a sign to keep playing, and fell onto his bed, closing the curtains with a lazy wave with his hand, rolling himself into his blanket like Sirius used to tuck him in when he felt alone and miserable, and muffled his heartbreaking crying with his pillow – even though he heard in the short, hardly noticeable tone change in Bartys play, that he could hear him. But he didn't care. He didn't care as much as Sirius seemed to didn't care about him.
For lunch, he went so early, that he needed to wait with Barty outside of the great hall because they were so overtime, but he didn't want to miss Sirius in any case. He wanted to punish him with every look he could get for not coming to breakfast. But when he was scooted out by the elves again, another piece of him broke away. Sirius didn't show up again. Sirius. Didn't. Show. Up. Again.
Barty even waited for the whole time with him, woke him up, when he noticed, that Regulus got trapped in his head. But yet there was this weird tug in his heart, this pressure on his lungs, this sickness in his tummy. His first stop after the great hall was their dorm bathroom, where he locked himself up for solid two hours, throwing up. He didn't need to explain himself, when Barty conjure the door open, bringing him some water and fresh cloth, and started to wipe away Regulus' steady flowing tears, as he coaxed him into his bed, tugging him into a close hug, petting his back, playing with his hair. He even did his soothing Sirius imitation, which always managed to calm Regulus down.
And yet Regulus felt, how he was trapped in his head. His thoughts pile up, uncountable pictures of Sirius appeared in front of his inner eye. They went faster and faster, louder and louder. Everything went head over heels and he felt so nauseous, that he needed to claw himself onto Barty, using him as rock solid. And then, everything stopped, everything went blank. His breathing went heavier, he started to focus on one point at the wall and felt, how his head started to shut down, not a single thought, not a single emotion feeling. It was so much, that it ended with nothing.
And this nothing was still present when this tragedy repeated itself for the third time at dinner. You could think, that Regulus already gave up his hope, but that would mean, that he would give up Sirius. Sirius, his big brother, his former soul mate, his Sirius. And when he gives up Sirius, that would mean, he would give up himself. Giving up the hope, that everything could still be saved somehow, that he could be saved somehow. Giving up the hope, that he could still get help, that he was worthy of getting help. That he wasn't like his parents, that he..., that he still is Regulus – Reggie – Black, who was worthy of love and affection. Who wasn't the monster, that Orion and Walburga created?
And now he stood there. Alone. The coldness of the Stones of the castle crawled into his bones, made him shiver, and yet he knew, he won't ever get warm again. No matter how. No matter where. And behind him were these huge closed doors, which did not only exclude his last bit of hope but so much more. He could nearly see, how his little naïve Heart broke into thousands of pieces with the loud slam of the closing door, impossible, that it could ever be whole again. How could he be so ridiculous and let him be third times hurt like this? He could feel the contempt of his mother, the laugh of his father ringing in his ears.
And yet he went to the hospital wing.
Maybe something happened to Remus and Sirius decided to stay with him.
Maybe Sirius got hurt – like the stupid idiot he was.
Maybe the boys just wanted to accompany Madam Pomfrey or they went too far with a prank and needed to eat alone.
Maybe he would arrive in a few seconds and Sirius would sit there on a chair next to Remus bed as he always does when Remus was in the Hospital Wing, and his hair would look still smooth like silk, even though he would have treacherous eye bags, and in his eyes there would be this shine of self-hate and regret as soon as he notices Regulus, and he would look around, before he would stand up slowly and wobbly, because he sat for the whole day and now his body was hurting, and he would come up to his baby brother, really slow and careful, mumbling excuses and Regulus would hesitate, letting him suffer for a bit, bevor he would meet him halfway, to burry his head in this little hole in Sirius shoulders, which seems to be made for Regulus and which was always his little safe space and then Sirius would hug him even tighter, pressing him onto himself, as this was the last time they would meet, and he would continue to excuse himself and both would surrender themselves to the other and to the fact of the tragedy of their fates for a little bit, until both jerked apart to continue their own ways – of course not without a tease like "I'm really sorry for today" – "I'm really sorry for your face" or something and then they would pretend again to not know each other, just holding on onto those small looks, because that's the only thing they got and then...was the whole wing empty. Not a single bed was occupied. Confused, he shook his head, heading a step deeper into the room, rubbing his puffy eyes. Every single bed was empty. He did another step and another as if his brother would appear if he only got close enough to the right bed. But of course, that didn't happen.
"Oh, I didn't see you for ages, Regulus. Is everything alright, love? You look a little lost here" concerned the healer came out of her office, obviously ready to go into her room. Her forehead wrinkled, as she noticed how Regulus flinched when she spoke up, panicking. But he got himself together.
"No, I...." he thought about what he should say, deciding for the truth, since he couldn't think of someone, Madam Pomfrey should tell about his embracing moment of weakness. "Was- Did you- Äh – Did you see my brother? Or Remus Lupin? I– we-"
"Oh love" her eyes got filled with tears, her lips forming a small white stroke, while she laid her head lopsided with compassion. "Didn't he tell you? He and Remus went to celebrate Christmas at the Potters. Lupin came to me for permission"
Regulus thought, that even the people in Hogsmeade could hear, how loud his heart breaks, his soul left his body. A loud rustle drowned out every other comforting word from Madam Pomfrey, only leaving space for the same three words: "At the Potters". He was- He really did – This couldn't be no, this- this wasn't possible. Sirius would never leave him behind again. He would have taken Regulus with him, right? He would have told him, right? He would never leave just like that? Without even asking him if he wanted to come along? He would never leave Regulus alone with their parents, wouldn't pass everything to him, that...that wasn't possible. His parents would – they- they would- Sirius knows what they were capable of...That-
Like a punch in his face, he realized that this was, in fact, possible. That really happened. They still were Blacks, the blood of traitors flowed through their veins, which would never even leave a thought of love for each other – even though they include a lot of incest – and this was the moment, when he promised himself, to never ever even look at his brother again. To never again let someone this close to him. He knew and he was now asking himself, how he could forget, how alone he was. How meaningless even for his brother. How worthless.
"Oh, thank you for telling me. Merry Christmas, Madam Pomfrey"
A few days later a letter from his parents arrived, containing the strict command to stay away from his brother – who really moved out when Walburga arrived at the Potters, ready to drag him home. If he should do otherwise, he should know, what consequences that would have, since he was now the one and only heir of the noble Black house. The Name Sirius Black should be locked up in the past, completely forgotten.
And even though he did as he was told, it was his brother, Regulus was screaming for years later, when cold and dead hands were digging into his skin, dragging him deeper and deeper, his lungs full of water and his heart full of regret.