the ones to leave
A majority of the time Andromeda is good about not thinking about the past. At least good at only thinking about it when she wants to and knows that it won’t upset her. She says most of the time because today she couldn’t keep the thoughts out of her head. One second she was sitting on the sofa in their sun room drinking her tea, the next second she couldn’t breathe.
Something in her clicked, the pieces just fell into place and her feet started moving before she could stop herself. She got herself to the car and just started driving. Now she’s pulled over on the side of the road catching her breath. Everything stopped. Time seemed frozen until now. The drive to this point is a complete blur and that can’t be good. Andy is usually so good at being aware and present.
Now she has a choice to make. Then she can start driving again. In one direction or another.
The thing is, today was just a normal day. It had no meaning whatsoever. Just a random Saturday. Then all of a sudden it wasn’t. It never really was. Today is much more than that. She isn’t sure why she remembered, but it’s the same day that she and her sisters used to always go to this one park. Before everything fell apart, they promised each other that they would always go back there on this day every year.
At first, when Andy was maybe six years old, there was a small fair at the park on this day. She doesn’t know what it was for, or hardly anything about it. Two years in a row there was a fair with food and games. The following year, there was nothing but the three of them still found their way there. Year after year they always did. It was one day that their parents were entirely preoccupied and never looked for them.
The last time they came was when Andromeda was sixteen, less than two years before leaving. Everything was getting harder by that point, they just didn’t make it to the park again. All of them were more distant, sinking into the fact that that was just how life would be. Andy was always with Ted for the last year and a half she was at home. It just made more sense for her to wait until she was eighteen to leave.
No one had set the precedent for her that she could run away, so she didn’t. Once she was an adult, she just left. Her parents didn’t even think about looking for her, at least that she knows of. Though, her sisters and cousins didn’t either. That’s the part of it that hurts. But they were still kids, aside from Bella, they were kids. It wasn’t their job to find her.
It’s been twelve years now since the last time she went to that park. She hadn’t even thought of it over the years. Yet it came right into her mind today. The park is farther from where they live now than the house she grew up in, but it’s still not too far. She does however instinctively take a different route that doesn’t go past the old house. That’s habit by now, she refuses to go to that part of the city.
Halfway there, she turned around. Then after driving one minute back toward home, she turned around again. After only driving a few more minutes, she stopped again, ready to turn around and go home. Because this is stupid. There is no reason to go to the park today. It’s been two decades since the fair last happened there, and there is nothing left there for her. Her sisters aren’t going to be sitting under the tree waiting for her.
So now she’s sitting on the side of the road watching the minutes tick by, cars pass by and drivers looking to see why she’s there. Each minute that passes, she feels more and more frozen to the spot. She has to keep going, right? Why can’t she get herself to pull the car back onto the road? It would be so simple. Only a few minutes more of driving, and then she would be there.
It’s not even that she thinks Narcissa or Bellatrix will be there, that isn’t stopping her or pushing her forward. They won’t be there. Of course there is the off chance that they woke up today and felt the same strange pull that she did, but that’s unlikely. No one is sitting in the park waiting for her. So really there would be no harm in going. Also no benefit, but maybe it would be good for her. Andy hardly lets herself enjoy the happy memories she has. She’s been so focused on making the present good. Making it the better life she always wanted.
Before she can go around in yet another circle in her mind, her phone starts to ring through the speakers of the car. Andy doesn’t check who it is before answering. “Hello?”
“Where are you?” Ted sounds frantic.
“Oh er- out driving?”
She doesn’t mean to lie, and it’s not even really a lie. Ted would understand, he would tell her to go if it would make her feel better. That’s what he always does. Granted he has no idea what anything that Andy has been through is like, and he’s not the best at helping with this. Help in this case is weird. Her past is just something she lives with and well yeah. That’s exactly it. She lives with it tucked away in her mind.
It’s always going to be there and sometimes it will affect her more than other times. And she just has to deal with it. Which is fine really. After so many years, she knows exactly what to do. Well, most of the time. Now is an exception. That’s to say, Andromeda is at a loss and there is no way that Ted knows how to fix this. He’ll say to do whatever feels right, neither choice is bad, and then when she comes home, park or no park, he’ll lay with her on the sofa and listen to whatever she wants to talk about in that moment.
“Right, I figured as much. You’re way across the city and you’ve been driving in circles it seems… Do you need me?” She can practically feel as he tiptoes around the topic.
Hearing that makes her freeze. It’s something their parents would do. Track them, make sure they were where they should be, watch their every move. It was constant. But she was the one to willingly share her location with Ted. It’s okay for him to have it. Andromeda needs to remind herself of that, he’s not going to do anything to hurt her.
“You tracked my phone?”
“Don’t act surprised, honey. You were gone from the sun room when I came downstairs, of course I checked where you went. It’s out of love.”
Andy sighs. “That’s fair. I’m okay, I was just thinking and today was a special day every year for my sisters and I, and well I had to go somewhere. I didn’t quite make it there and now…” She tilts her head back against the headrest and closes her eyes. “Now I’m stuck.”
“Do you want me to come get you? Did the car break down?” There’s genuine concern in his voice, yet it soothes her.
“The car is okay. I’m stuck, just me. In my head.”
It takes her a second to admit. She never gets like this. After ten years, she’s figured out how to not do this. She’s always been good at it. Separating herself. Pushing the past away and tucking it neatly away in her mind. There when she wants it, but it doesn’t get to control her. If she had let it control her, especially right after she left, she would have gone back. At the very least to hug all of them one more time. But once she was there she would have stayed for them.
Right now the boxes of her past are strewn throughout her mind and she is scrambling to pick everything back up. To tidy it all up and fix it. It could so easily get out of control and then it wouldn’t be good. Andy is good at only thinking about it when she wants to, when it will bring comfort. But if she loses control then even the bad memories and the pain will slip through.
“Do you want me to call Sirius? I know you say I help but he understands more than me.” He’s right, but even just his comfort helps more than he realises.
“No it’s okay. I’ll er- I’ll text him maybe invite him over later. But I think I have to go, I’m almost there.” She almost ends the call there. “Thank you, I’ll be home later. I love you Ted.”
“I love you.”
Before driving off, she gives herself one more second to breathe. Just a deep breath in and out, and then she has to go. Or she’ll change her mind. Not that she couldn’t or won’t in another few minutes down the road, but Andy isn’t planning to. It will eat at her if she doesn’t at least make it to the park today. She doesn’t have to get out and go sit under their tree if she doesn’t want to.
She wants to though. Even if it will hurt her more to be there on her own, she still wants to. The drive isn’t very long from where she stopped and honestly she blinks and suddenly she’s parking the car again. They never used to drive here from their house. It was a far walk, well farther than any of their frequent spots, but it was still walkable. Driving here feels off. All of it feels off. At the same time it also feels right. The pull Andy felt earlier is slowly being satisfied. It’s still there but it’s not eating at her, she’s feeding it.
There’s a chill in the air that hits her the second she steps out of the car. It’s almost always cold on this day. Granted it’s late October, but still. Somehow it’s never too cold, they were always able to sit out here for a while every year. Even in the years that it was nearly freezing they just brought an extra blanket and laid piled on each other.
Each of them would pull a blanket from their room, or sometimes two. They would grab their warmest jumpers and a few times even a pillow. Thinking about it now they must have looked crazy walking the whole way to and from the park. None of that matters though. These were always her favourite days. Just her and her sisters on either side of her. Though most often when they would lay under the tree her and Bellatrix would keep Narcissa in between them.
Her feet carry her to the tree without needing to think. For a second she wasn’t sure that she would remember exactly which tree was theirs. Of course they carved their initials in it, but it would take all day to check every single tree for them. Luckily that isn’t necessary. Andromeda finds herself under the shade of a large tree, much larger than the last time she saw it. The breeze sends a shiver up her spine, but when she looks up none of the branches are swaying in the wind.
Staring back at her, now above her eye line, are three sets of initials. Seemingly meaningless letters, but to her they are everything. She doesn’t have a blanket or anything other than herself right now, but still she leans against the trunk and slides down to sit. All morning her chest was tight and this feeling was nagging at her. Now though, she can breathe easily and almost everything feels right.
The same way some people feel a phantom pain from old injuries or scars, she feels the absence of her sisters. They should be here. She wishes they were. If she closes her eyes she can pretend they are. Just for a second. But that’s enough for her. It lets her breathe. It lets her feel free. Maybe she should have done this years ago rather than pushing her past so far into the darkest corners of her mind.
It’s better to embrace it than hide from it. Right? She’s not playing with fire by doing this. Thinking about them isn’t going to burn her. Even if it did, that would be okay. It would be worth it. Now that Andy is letting herself do this, and now that she has Sirius, it really isn’t that bad. The memories can comfort her rather than engulf her in flames. It’s a soft fire, one to keep her warm, not one made to destroy.
For a while Andromeda just sits under the tree, head leaning back against the bark, eyes softly shut. The wind rustles the autumn leaves and it rushes over her face coolly. This is what she needed, this was the right decision to make. She would have absolutely regretted not coming here today. Andy could stay here the rest of the day. Even once the temperature drops when the sun goes down, she wouldn’t mind at all.
This is peaceful. Until there is a crunch of the leaves under someone’s foot. Her eyes shoot open, but it’s just someone walking past. It’s not her sisters. They aren’t here. If they remember this day, there’s no way for Andromeda to know. They don’t come to the park. At least not during the hours that she spends sitting there doing nothing but think about the days spent here as a child.
Eventually she remembers that she left her phone in the car. A few hours ago. She never let Ted know what she ended up doing, but he can see her location. It’s okay. He really won’t worry too much, but maybe she should get going. There isn’t a point in sitting here any longer. Though she can come back any time she wants. Maybe this will be her new safe place to think about her sisters. It would be fitting.
Her phone is sitting on the driver’s seat when she opens the door. There’s one missed call from Ted, along with two texts. Just assuming that she’s at the park and he’ll see her later. There’s also two missed calls and a text from Sirius. Ted must have texted him. That doesn’t surprise her at all. Even without asking him to, he knows that her cousin can help more if she needs it.
Andy [17:24]: Coming home now, going to call Sirius back
Ted [17:25]: Love you, let me know if you need anything
On the drive she realises that after pushing off talking about everything for the past few months, she’s ready to talk. “Sirius?”
“Andy! Hey- Ted said you were at some park? Something about… your sisters?” He treads carefully, but only because of how she has reacted before.
“Yeah I- er… I went to this park that we used to go to just the three of us. Same day every year until I was 16. Long story, but that’s the gist. Are you around tonight?” She rambles but stops herself from getting too carried away right now.
“For you, always. I can be at yours in like… thirty minutes? Or whenever!” He sounds like he’s already running around his flat getting ready to walk out the door.
“That works. I’ll get take away on my way home.” Andy confirms, turning down the next street to detour to one of her go to restaurants.
Comfort food will be good. They’re about to go through some hard memories, well she is. He doesn’t have to talk about anything he doesn’t want to, but still. Andy needs him to fill in some of the gaps for her about her sisters. What happened when she left. Not that she hasn’t already, but she also needs to apologise to Sirius for leaving. Especially without notice and without a way for any of them to find her.
It would have been too complicated. She had to just leave, she and Ted had a plan. It all went as it should have. She got out and never looked back. That’s the part of this all that she does regret. It would have ruined everything, but it still hurts anyway. Maybe she could have told them that she was going, made sure everyone knew that those last moments were the last ones. Andy got to know, she got to savour them, but no one else did. Instead they were all haunted by the fact that they didn’t say goodbye.
Or that’s how she imagines it. In reality it probably didn’t go like that. There’s no way for her to know for sure how her sisters handled it, but Sirius can tell her what he knows. When they saw each other again back in August, they agreed to not talk about anything until they wanted to. Since then, they’ve talked a bit. Well they talk all the time, but not about the big things.
They both dance around it. She can tell he has things he wants to talk about too. It’s not just her. Things he isn’t saying. If anyone can read Sirius, it’s her. She’s always been able to. He wants to, or maybe he just needs to talk about something but it’s hard. Too hard to just bring up out of nowhere. Too hard to actually want to. It’s eating at him, but Andy is sure he’s talked about it with his boyfriend or friends before. He wouldn’t have lasted this long keeping it to himself.
Just before getting home, clouds fill the sky and light rain begins. It’s a good thing it didn’t start while she was still at the park. Somehow in all of the years they would sit under that tree, it never rained. Not while they were there. As kids, Narcissa once said it was like the park could never be rained on. She’s never been proven wrong, technically. She’s never been there while it’s raining.
Walking through the door to the house, she puts the food on the entry table and shakes off the few drops of rain that she couldn’t escape between the car and inside. It wasn’t much so her hair is still dry and she doesn’t need to change into other clothes. She’s already comfortable and surely Sirius will come over comfortable too.
While Andy waits for him, she brings their food to the kitchen and puts it aside while making herself a drink. A slightly necessary boost in order to talk about her sisters. She’s kidding herself to think anything can make it easier, but she’ll try. Until tonight, she hasn’t asked about either of them since reuniting with Sirius. In her head they’re together. Whether they left home or not, she wants them to have each other.
There’s a knock at the door, but it turns out Ted is closer. “Andy? I’m letting Sirius in, if that’s alright.”
“Of course! In the kitchen!” She waits for Sirius to come around the corner, and when he does she just laughs. “You look like a wet dog, kiddo.”
“Well I didn’t realise it was raining until I left! I was standing in the pouring rain until your lovely boyfriend let me in. Oh! What are you drinking? I'll have one too.”
“Made a blueberry margarita. Grab plates and we can go eat in the living room.” She instructs while grabbing a second glass.
They move in tandem and in just a few minutes they carry everything to the coffee table. She sits on the ground and tucks her feet under herself while Sirius seems to do the same, across from her. They both hesitate, then dive in for the food first. That’s easier than talking, at least for Andy. She made sure to get something she knows her cousin has always liked, and that seems to have worked. He picks at his plate and slowly alternates between taking bites and taking sips of his drink.
This shouldn’t be hard, but of course it is. This is the only way this could go. The funny thing is though, her and Sirius have it easy. She knows she still hurt him, but this will be so much easier than it would be for her to see her sisters again. Neither of them would go as easy on her. They would be screaming at each other the moment they lay eyes on each other. But that's just how sisters are.
Screaming one second, hugging the next, followed by even more screaming. There would be no waiting to talk through it all like her and Sirius took. Too much needs to be said to her sisters before any sense of normalcy could be restored. But he’s not them. Andy isn’t going to see them again. So there is no use worrying about how it would go. She should focus on preparing to hear how everything went while she was gone.
It’s going to be a punch to her gut, she already knows it. If only knowing that and being able to prepare for that meant that it could hurt less. She doesn’t deserve for it to be easy, she should feel bad about it all. It really is only a matter of time. The food on their plates decreases, the liquid in their glasses drains. Andy is running out of time and she can feel her chest tightening.
All growing up she was never the anxious one, she was always sure of herself. It kept her going, knowing that she could trust herself and that in doing so, she could protect her sisters. Even being the middle sister, she wanted to do everything she could for them. Their parents seemed to care about her the least. From early on they must have realised she wasn’t one that they could control. Not in the same way they did Bellatrix or Narcissa.
The one thing they could do to get her to listen was to give her a reason to worry about her sisters. Mostly the youngest, she couldn’t always hold her own. She never had to. If it wasn’t Andy protecting her, it was Bella. That’s part of why she felt okay leaving. It would have been much harder if she was only one of two. Leaving someone on their own wasn’t a possibility in her mind. She didn’t have to worry about that, right? Of course she trusted her sisters to take care of each other, and her cousins to do the same.
Within the next twenty minutes she learns how so very wrong she was.
“So…”
“Fuck.” She mutters. “Right we’re talking now. I wanted to talk.”
“We don’t have to, whatever you want. We should eventually though. I’ve er- I’ve been thinking too. It’ll all make sense if we don’t start with me though…” Sirius stammers, clearly feeling the same pressure.
“I have an idea.” Andy pushes off the ground and goes back to the kitchen without another word. She rummages through one cabinet until she finds the glasses she’s looking for, then grabs the bottle of tequila from where she left it sitting open on the counter. He looks up as soon as she’s back in sight, giving her a nod of agreement. “Shots first, talk second.”
“You got it. Pass it to me.” Sirius downs the tequila easily, which still makes her laugh because she remembers the first time he ever took a shot.
That feels like yesterday. Perhaps because they have only seen each other maybe a dozen times since then. It may be more than that, but still it wasn’t that long before she left. He’s all grown up now. Not her little cousin anymore, though he’ll always be that to her. Even with only four years between them.
“Okay so. We’re doing this. I- well you know I had to leave, there’s not really much there. Mother and Father were so awful, you know, yours were too. You get it. Right?” She dives right in, looking to make sure he’s not uncomfortable with anything she says. “Ted helped me figure it out, I just had to wait until I was 18 and then it would be easy. They didn’t care for me much anyway. I should have figured out how to take all of you with me.”
“Hey, no. It’s okay. You were allowed to do this for yourself. It’s okay that you didn’t take anyone with you.” He reaches for her hand, though Andy pulls away and takes a swig straight from the bottle.
“Yeah, it’s for the better. Now I just- I need to know what happened with Bella and Cissy. Were they okay? Do- do they have each other at least?” She can feel her voice starting to crack.
Before Sirius opens his mouth again, she knows the answer. Maybe she’s always known the answer. Something in her chest says this isn’t new information. Maybe ever since the day it happened she’s known. The string connecting her to her sisters has been untethered for so long, but after she left, the ends started to fray. It all started to unravel. She’s felt it, she’s known it all along.
“Narcissa left. It was a year and a half after you, I think. Only a week or two later, it’s a bit fuzzy sorry, was when Bella left. I think she was following her, or trying to. I don’t know if they found each other.” He mirrors her in sadness.
Both of their faces are soft, but dropping. Barely keeping it together. He’s known this, he’s carried all of this with him for years. Nearly a decade. Sirius got out of his awful house, but he didn’t get the easy way out. Not even close. It’s been just as hard for him. Maybe not now, not after he got himself settled, but he lives with this all every day. Andy was the one to leave and run, before anyone else could.
A coward. She knows that’s what she is. Maybe they all are, they all ran. Well, at least four of them did. Now she knows that for certain. She’s just the biggest coward of them all. She left everyone behind and tried to protect only herself. Dooming them all even more in the process. She’ll regret that every day. If she ever gets the chance, she would make it up to them. Andy won’t run, she’ll keep hold of all of them. Keep them close to her, protect them with everything she has. For now she can just do that with Sirius.
“What happened? When I left I mean.” She hates sounding weak, but it’s just how it is.
“It wasn’t that bad. I mean I think it could have been worse. They started to pretend you were never there… If either of them mentioned you in front of your parents, well they weren’t happy about it. I wasn’t always there but from what I know they tried to keep a closer eye on Cissa, trying to keep her from doing the same thing you did. Bella listened, she just started to always do whatever they said. She seemed to get more distant.” It doesn’t surprise her when he takes a pause to have another drink, this is a hard conversation after all.
“That- yeah that makes sense. I wish they didn’t though. They were already so hard on her, I don’t know how she could take any more. I mean I guess she couldn’t… but fuck. I- I regret that.” Words stop coming to her mind, it’s all hard.
“We didn’t lean on each other as much. It was more divided. I mean like I hardly saw Bella anymore, we were so close at one point and then for some reason after you left… She pulled away. Not just from me, I mean it didn’t seem like she did much for Narcissa either. I couldn’t help, I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry.”
That hits her like a dagger in the chest. They should have had each other. That’s why it was okay for her to leave. Narcissa and Bellatrix could help each other. No one was on their own. No one was supposed to be. But that didn’t happen. Even from the other house Sirius could see that it wasn’t okay. He could see everything crumbling. She wants to fucking scream. She wants to break down crying. It’s not fucking fair. Ten years ago shouldn’t hurt Andromeda this much, but it does. It’s going to wreck her.
“Of course Narcissa left…” It all makes sense, but it still fucking stings. “What about you, eight years ago you left, right?”
“Eight and a half now, it’ll be nine in the spring. I didn’t have a plan, not like you did. I think Narcissa might have, but she never let on before leaving. The day I left couldn’t have been worse.” She watches as he squeezes his eyes and seems to lose all air in his lungs. The memory punches him in the chest. His words get frantic. “I shouldn’t have left that day. It was awful, I shouldn’t have done that to him. He probably hates me, he probably thinks I hate him. If I had just waited longer, made a plan, something… I could have gotten us both out and he wouldn’t think-”
Andy cuts him off, holding onto his arm to steady him. “He? Who are you talking about?”
The colour drains out of his face and he swallows the lump in his throat. “My brother. He- he’s trans, he told me the night before I left.”
“Oh.” She’s not expecting it, of all the things he could have said, this wasn’t one she imagined. “I don’t think he hates you, he could never hate you.”
The air goes stale and silence falls around them. Only the sound of the fan in the room over can be heard. In front of her, Sirius doesn’t look to be breathing. He stopped looking at her, his eyes are shut now. Even Andromeda isn’t sure what to do. She was always the one to know, she took care of everyone, she had answers. But not now. This isn’t something she can fix. Lightly she rubs circles on the back of his hand in an attempt to soothe him, but she knows it’s barely doing anything.
He’s never forgiven himself for it. That much she knows, she can tell. Her heart aches for her baby cousin. He must be out there, somewhere, hopefully not all on his own, hopefully not thinking too hard about all of this. Sirius had to get out, she knows this, he knows this, and god she hopes his little brother knows it too. It was never his fault, it wasn’t any of their faults.
“Hey, it’s okay kiddo. You had to go. He knows that. He’s your brother, he loves you. Leaving is so fucking hard, getting out is the hardest thing any of us have done.” Andromeda speaks softly, hoping to pull him out of his head.
“You should be mad at me. You should yell at me for doing that to him.”
Her heart breaks all over again. “Do you want me to be?”
“No. Please no.” One tear rolls down his cheek. “He was barely fifteen… It just- it got so bad for me. I couldn’t do it any more. I left the first time I had a chance, I just should have taken him with me. Especially after the talk we had the night before. I told him- Fuck!” Sirius drops his head and hits the heel of his palm on his forehead with one hand and tries to scratch at himself with the other.
“Hey, stop. It’s okay. He would tell you it’s okay. He would be happy that you got yourself out and made a life for yourself. Being in that house was killing you. I should have taken all of you with me when I left.”
“You don’t get it. I- I told him I would never leave. Not even a day before leaving, I promised him that I never would. I promised…”
He won’t look back up, he won’t meet her eyes any more. Andy can’t say she isn’t disappointed, it hurts her to know what he did. It doesn’t make her love him any less, nothing could. It just makes her so unbelievably sad for her youngest cousin. She never had to deal with someone leaving, she doesn’t know what that feels like. But she left, she knows how Sirius feels. It’s impossible. Leaving is the only thing that saved them, but it broke a piece of them in the process.
It’s hard to say what would have happened if any of them stayed, if all of them stayed. Best case scenario, they would have helped each other through everything. They would have made sure the others were all okay, that nothing either set of parents did hurt them beyond repair. Whenever possible they would protect each other. And that’s what they did, up until Andy left. The worst case scenario though, well not all of them would have made it. Who wouldn’t make it, it’s hard to say for sure. But not all of them would have, that much she knows.
At least they all made it through this way.
She moves to sit next to him, guiding him to be in her arms. “It’s okay. Sirius, it’s okay. You’re okay, he’s okay.” Andy repeats it like a mantra until he’s calmer.
When he can find a way to talk again, he looks up at her as if he’s still the little boy she used to know. “How do you know?”
“How do I know what?”
“That he’s okay.”
“I just do.”
“Then I know that Bella and Narcissa are okay too.” He nods.
“Yeah, they are. We are too.”
She doesn’t let him go, they continue leaning on each other because it’s easier. Everything is easier when someone else shares the weight. Shares the burden. They have each other, even if their siblings aren’t here. There’s not much they can do to change that, but they can find a way to heal. Somehow. Even if they were the ones to leave, they still deserve to heal.
After so long, Andromeda has come to learn that. It comes with being a teacher, or maybe having a partner whose heart is so good. Or maybe she just chose to be good, despite it all. But she deserves that, she isn’t any less deserving of happiness because she had to be selfish once. Being selfish saved her life. Even her sisters wouldn’t ask for her to have let herself suffer just to stay in that house with them.
If it were up to her then her sisters would come back into her life. Sure, having them back in her life would help to heal her even more. To know that they understand, that they aren’t furious with her for leaving. That would help, but that’s not the reason she wants them back. All it really boils down to is that she misses them. Andy wants them back because it’s lonely without them. She loves them, she just wants to see them again.
She misses them so much.
“‘Dromeda? Where are- Oh. Hey, you guys alright?” Ted finds his way around the sofa they are leaning against.
The two Blacks look at each other and just laugh. Yeah, they’re alright.
Both of them needed this more than they would have admitted. She barely got herself to ask him to come talk about it all, but she had to. It might have taken a few months, but now they’ve opened up. Sorted through the skeletons and never lost sight of each other. Still holding on to keep from losing each other in the mess. It’s always going to be easier together than alone.
Now maybe she won’t keep all of these thoughts and feelings locked in the back of her mind. That’s where they have been for ten years. But she can trust Sirius with them. She can also trust that for every bad day, every bad moment, they can find at least as many happy ones. Together they can pick themselves and each other up from any bad day.
“Yeah we are. We’re okay. We’re gonna be okay.” Sirius is the one to answer, which makes her feel better.
“Just had quite a bit to talk about. Missing our siblings, ten years apart and all.” She manages to keep laughing, everything feels lighter already.
“Seems you also had quite a bit to drink.” Ted teases.
Okay so that might have something to do with the way the cousins can’t stop giggling. Nothing about tonight was funny. They both dealt with horrible abuse and had to hurt people they loved to get away. That isn’t something to laugh about. Though they’re okay, their siblings are okay. They can laugh if they want to, sue them for living despite it all.
(They have to be okay. That’s the only way the two can keep going without falling apart.)
The bottle sitting on the table in front of them is significantly more empty than it started. They look at each other and neither really remembers drinking that much. It happened sometime between rehashing their escapes. Ted goes to pick it up, likely to return it to its home in the kitchen, but Sirius is quicker. He grabs it, and takes another sip before willingly passing it away. This earns him a laugh, and he smiles.
He hadn’t smiled in a few hours. Not since they started talking. Even through his laughter, a smile never fully broke across his face. Once tears started, there really was no winning, though his smile faded before that. But it’s back now, and it makes Andromeda’s lips quirk up in the corners too. He always did have a contagious smile.
Even in the house he grew up in, he knew how to have fun. He could make everyone around him laugh, he could bring smiles to people’s faces without having to try very hard. It still works now, he hasn’t lost that. Not even the pain and everything else could take that light from within him.
“Well if you’re both drunk then I’ll just have to join you.” Ted walks around to slide to the ground next to Andy, and she leans her head on his shoulder as he downs the equivalent of at least two shots.
Andromeda won’t say that her partner is a lightweight, but she can out drink him any day. So the one swig is enough to have him tipsy without the need for another one. Sirius leans his head against the sofa and looks a bit dazed, but the smile doesn’t leave his face. It’s an odd pair for his now red and slightly puffy eyes and the streaks of dried tears that are faintly present on his cheeks. She doesn’t want to know what her own face looks like right now.
It doesn’t quite matter. Ted holds one of her hands and kisses the top of her head. Something he does practically every day, but it never fails to ground her. She’s okay, she’s here. She has people that love her. In the end that’s what matters. Her sisters are out there somewhere, hopefully together. She’s lost them, but not really. One day she could see them again. They’re not really lost forever.
The boy sitting next to her, the one she still sees as a little awkward almost-teenager. The one that’s three years old and dragging a blanket behind him through the summer house they were staying at looking for her after a bad dream. The one who is fourteen years old and getting drunk for the first time. The one who she left behind.
The one she got back.
That’s what matters, she got Sirius back. As much as she sees the past when she looks at him, all she cares about is that he’s here now. They aren’t left with only the past to haunt them. The two of them have a future where they can really live, they can thrive together instead of barely surviving. She’s not losing anyone else again. If she ever gets her sisters back, she wouldn’t let them go either. Sirius would say the same of his brother. But for now they have each other, and it would take a lot to pry them apart.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” He scrunches his nose at her.
“Just glad I have you back kiddo.” Andy shakes her head softly.
It’s all very sweet. Until Sirius leans over, gesturing for her to come closer. Like he wants to whisper something. Of course Andromeda leans in, anything that he wants to tell her, out loud or through whispers, she wants to hear. Instead, he burps in her face.
“Urgh - Sirius Orion Black I will get you!” She yells, but he’s already up and trying to get away. Unfortunately for him, he is quite drunk and trips over the edge of the rug and not so gracefully falls to the ground. He lays in his crumpled form and groans. “You’re fine, get up.”
“I’m hurt!” He yelps.
“No you’re not. You’re pissed.”
“Hmmph.” He pouts at her, then rolls over to get his feet under him and stand up. “I should,” Sirius hiccups, eyes going wide because those hiccups will persist for hours. “I should call Remus to pick me up.” He looks at his phone, a little puzzled. “Can you do it? I forgot how to work my phone.”
“I already texted him, he’s on his way.” Ted helpfully answers, earning him a dopey smile from Sirius.
It’s only a few minutes before he arrives to essentially carry his boyfriend home, but he comes in for a bit to talk. Well mostly he is concerned when he sees the state of Sirius and wants to know what happened. It’s been hours since Sirius came here and unlike usual, Remus hadn’t heard from him all night. He comes right in, walking to the living room though he’s only been over once or twice before. Sirius is laying on the arm of one sofa, so he slides in right next to him. Almost instantly Sirius curls up into him.
“Remus,” he hums.
“He’s okay?” He looks to her for confirmation, there’s trust in his eyes.
Andy nods. “Yeah, we ah- well I wanted to talk about my sisters. And then he got to talking about…”
“His brother. Right, that makes sense. Well, thank you. It’s really good that he has you again. Especially when it comes to this.”
All while talking, he never once takes his attention fully away from Sirius. Be that a hand on his hand, fingers running through his hair, watching him out of the corner of his eye, or just plain staring at him. He cares about Sirius so deeply, it’s so clear. There is nothing but love there. Love, adoration, care. That’s all Andromeda has ever wanted for him, for any of them. She looks up at Ted, who seems to know exactly what she’s thinking.
They’re both happy, even without their siblings. And that’s okay, they have each other. They can’t ask for more than that.