it all comes back
“I swear to fucking god, if you don’t let me out of this room, Lupin…” He screams, managing to only cough twice after.
Sirius finds himself pounding on the inside of their bedroom door, which is inconveniently being blocked on the other side by his oh so wonderful boyfriend. Why? Oh, well it’s definitely not because he is sick. He’s not. He really very much is not sick. Just on cue, Sirius sneezes three times quickly in a row and has a slight coughing fit.
“You’re sick, babe. You’re not going out tonight.”
“I’m not! I don’t get sick. You should know this by now.”
“According to you. I however have to deal with you every time that you get sick. We’ve had this fight twice this year already.” He doesn’t let up on pushing his body weight on the door and continues talking through it.
Only slightly accepting defeat, Sirius slumps to the ground and stops arguing. The thing is, he doesn’t get sick. It’s just not something he does. Except he does feel off and hates the fact that he is coughing and sneezing. More so, he hates the pounding in his head and the scratch at the back of his throat. Due to this, he skipped work this morning. Not that he had any clients coming in, but he was supposed to be there to take any walk-ins or to just help out around the shop. Sirius didn’t feel up to doing that today, but not because he’s sick. He isn’t.
Tonight everyone is going out and he hasn’t gone out in three weeks and he really wanted to go. Mostly because Lily’s sort of girlfriend (he isn’t sure if they’ve made it official yet or not) is joining and everyone will get to meet her for the first time. Other than Mary who has met her and has been raving about her for weeks now. It’s just not fair that Remus won’t let him out of the flat. Sirius simply wants to be there to meet her and to see the rest of his friends.
He has always loved meeting any significant others of his friends, and he prides himself on being a good judge of character. Not that he ever wants to break anyone up, but there have been a few girlfriends and boyfriends that simply had to go, and Sirius was the one to bring that up. Most recently, Gideon brought some girl out for drinks with them a month or so ago and she was dead awful. All she would do was giggle at everything he said. Sirius is almost positive that not a single thought went through her head. When Lily asked her what her name was she just laughed and buried her head in Gideon’s shoulder.
To this day, none of them actually know what her name is. He’s never mean about it when he lets his friends know his, very valid, concerns about significant others. Most of the time, he’ll devise a plan to bring to light the error of his lovely friends’ ways instead of just telling them. That time, Sirius convinced Fabian, who of course looks like his twin, but not enough to confuse anyone, to try and pretend to be his brother and suggest to the girl that they should head home. It took less than five minutes for her to get up to leave with him, fully thinking it was her boyfriend and not his brother. Suffice it to say, she was never seen again.
But this is exactly why Sirius hates that he is not being allowed to go tonight. Not that he thinks she won’t be great, because she sounds completely lovely and Lily really likes her, but he prefers to be there. He has a reputation to uphold with his stamp of approval. And he just really likes to be out with the whole group. Sirius is almost never the one to miss out, especially if everyone is going except him. At least even if he misses being there to meet Lily’s girlfriend, he can still be one of the first to meet Marlene’s girlfriend. She promised he could be and he will absolutely be holding her to that.
“Finally given in?” Remus asks.
“No…” Maybe he has. “If I agree to not go out will you lay in bed with me?”
He can hear the slight snort, followed by a loud laugh. “And risk also getting sick? Fat chance.”
“But I’m n-”
“Not sick. Right. I got that. If you get in bed to rest I’ll bring you your favourite blanket and make you some tea.” He bargains.
That’s really all it takes in the end. Sirius jumps up and practically flies into bed. The only good thing to come from when he isn’t fully healthy, not sick, he’s not sick, is that his wonderful boyfriend will dote on his every need. It’s not all that much different than usual, because Remus is the best boyfriend in the world and will usually do anything he asks. But it’s better because he won’t fight Sirius on his requests, at least not as much as any other day. He really is lucky to have Remus even when he’s being snarky.
While he waits on his tea, Sirius lets his eyes close to rest a bit. His mind easily drifts away from the present and he finds himself thinking back to when he wouldn’t feel well as a kid. Not that he was ever afforded the luxury of being sick, that simply wasn’t allowed. He didn’t get sick back then either. No matter how he was feeling, he had to get up and act like he was perfectly fine.
Even if that meant suppressing all of his coughs and sneezes until he was out of sight of his mother. Often times hiding and denying all sickness would cause it to last even longer when it did come around. There was little to no reprieve when he was younger, especially not when he was sick.
Okay fine, yes he used to get sick and maybe he still does, but he will absolutely not be admitting that to Remus. Not going to happen.
After doing practically nothing all day and having plans to only lay in bed tonight, he should be perfectly fine in a day or so. If he was ever allowed to rest like this when he was younger for more than just part of the night while sleeping, then maybe he would be more accustomed to being sick rather than refusing to admit it.
This has been the same routine any time that he has been sick since he got together with Remus. First they argue over whether he is sick or not, then Remus bribes him to comply, then they rest all day or night while watching dumb TV shows, and then come morning Sirius is magically healthy again, because he was never really sick in the first place. This time should go exactly the same.
Having Remus take care of him is much better than when he was younger. The one time that he can remember being genuinely very sick he wasn’t taken care of at all, well not in the typical sense. Sirius was maybe 7 then. It was during the fall, not quite at his birthday yet though. He wasn’t allowed to stay home from school, likely because his mother didn’t want to deal with him all day. His teacher was not thrilled that he was there but couldn’t quite send him home. It took all of his energy to stay awake during the school day and he practically collapsed when he got home.
It was only a few days that he was sick then, but he was so sick that he could barely walk. Every time Sirius stood up, he got dizzy and saw little black specks in his vision. No food tasted good and even sips of water upset his stomach. During the day while sick, it was hell. But at night it was different. No one was around yelling at him for not being healthy or for being lazy. Instead his little brother crept into his room with his favourite stuffed toy, which was a lion, and a lolly.
He never said where he got it from, but Sirius was happy to have it. Mostly just because it came from him. They sat together all night, and every night for the whole week that Sirius was sick. Even when he was basically falling asleep, or when he was coughing for five minutes straight, his brother didn’t leave his side.
They were both children then, six and seven years old, but they knew how to show each other love. They knew how to take care of each other in a way that no one ever taught them. Maybe that’s not entirely true, their cousins were all great and loved them, but they weren’t there when things were at their worst. It’s not fair to say they weren’t doing the best they could while also being older and dealing with their own awful parents, but that’s sort of how it felt when they were that little.
They didn’t know back then what it was like. It was hard for all of them and they could only support each other so much. After all, they were all kids. Even when they were teenagers, they were still kids. Sirius and his brother tried their best with each other, and sometimes, like when either of them were sick, trying was enough. Other times though, it would never and could never be enough.
It’s how he reached the breaking point, the point of no return, the final straw. No matter how much his brother could have comforted him, nothing could have kept him from leaving. Once there was a way out, Sirius had to take it. He hopes that his brother understands that now, even if he didn’t at the time.
After that one time he was sick, Sirius decided to never be sick again. He took care of his brother in the same way a few times over the years because he still got sick. Sirius though, somehow tricked his immune system into never getting sick. Or at least not so sick that he couldn’t go about his day.
So now, with Remus to take care of him, he can let himself be a little sick. Not too much because it’s definitely not fun, but there’s no one left to force him into doing anything he doesn’t want to when he’s sick. His body still hasn’t grasped that he doesn’t have to be in fight or flight mode at all times, even after seven years, but he’s working on it. He’s always going to be working on that. Tonight is a great example, he’s going to let Remus baby him and nurse him back to full health.
Just as Sirius remembered that he was waiting on tea, in walks Remus carrying two mugs. He hands one to him and then takes his to settle into the giant cozy armchair by the window. The chair is big enough for them to both comfortably fit on it, which they have done many times. Most people would say that the chair is meant for one person. Sirius whole-heartedly disagrees because when he sits on Remus’ lap, they both fit. It’s more comfortable to be curled up there together than in bed actually. Maybe. It’s hard to choose between the two simply because anytime they are cuddled together, Sirius is content beyond belief.
“You’re closer to the remote.” Sirius says.
He gets up with a little huff. “Fine, just because you’re sick. Any suggestions?”
“Hmm, Friends is always good.”
While sipping his too hot tea, Remus flips through the apps on the TV until he finds it. “Season?”
“End of three.” He hums knowing that he’s seen these episodes far too many times. What can he say, he loves the silly drama of it.
Because Sirius is predictable, Remus knows the exact episode that he wants and puts it on without having to ask for further clarification. As the episode starts to play, he happily sips on his tea. So maybe Remus did have a point about staying in tonight. Being in bed right now is absolutely lovely and Sirius is quite content. Though he is not about to admit that to his boyfriend who would be insufferably smug about it for at least two days. His tea is the perfect temperature right now for him to drink without burning his tongue so that’s what he does.
Next to him, well nearly next to him because he still refuses to get into the bed, Remus is doing the same thing. Though he also has his phone out and isn’t paying attention to either the show or Sirius, which is a bit upsetting.
His eyes are normally glued on Sirius, something that he is very proud of. Someone as good looking as Remus, chooses to spend all of his time looking at Sirius? Yeah that’s a boost to his ego, not that he needs one because he knows how pretty he is. But it’s still nice. Not to mention Remus calls him pretty all the time, so it’s not like he could forget. It’s not that Remus can’t be on his phone, but it’s annoying when Sirius can’t look over his shoulder and get into his business and bother him about it because he’s too far away now.
On the TV, Rachel has just convinced Ross’ new girlfriend, whose name Sirius cannot remember no matter how many times he has seen this episode, to shave her head. Such a petty thing to do, but it’s not as if she wasn’t already considering it. Rachel just sped up the thinking process and made it happen knowing that Ross wouldn’t like it. Honestly it’s very funny.
The thing is, Sirius could see himself doing the exact same thing, if the situation was right. Like if someone else was with Remus and he wanted to break them up? Yeah, maybe he would get them to shave their head just so he could have Remus back. It doesn’t make him a bad person, it makes him funny and kind of iconic.
“Would you still love me if I shaved my head?” He blurts out.
Remus, who was engrossed in his phone with whoever he was texting, pops his head up to see what was happening on the screen to help give context to Sirius’ seemingly random question. “Yes, but you would hate not having your hair. Do not shave it. I wouldn’t be able to handle how dramatic you would be about not having hair anymore.”
Point taken. Sirius loves his hair. It might just be his best feature, but then again there are his eyes, and his legs, oh and not to mention his arse. Okay, his hair is one of his best features. He will absolutely not be shaving it. Not when it took so long to grow out to this length. He started trying to grow it out when he was about 13, except his mother and father didn’t like it to be too long, so every few months they would cut it. When he lived with them, it never made it past his shoulders for more than a day. The second it was even dusting the top of his shoulder it would be cut three inches shorter the next day. As soon as he left three years after the start of him desperately trying to have long hair, he didn’t cut it for over a year. By that time, he needed to just clean it up and shape it a bit, but he has since maintained the perfect length.
About halfway into the episode, his tea is gone and leaves him wanting something else to eat or drink. “Do we have any ice pops, Rem?”
“We do, what flavor would you like?” Sirius must seem very sick for Remus to not even fight back against bringing him more treats.
“Strawberry please!”
And he gets them both ice pops to enjoy. Maybe it’s not the most conventional pairing, tea and ice pops, but they both feel nice on his throat and they taste good. No one can blame Sirius for wanting what he wants, after all according to Remus he is sick. As per usual, the popsicle doesn’t last nearly long enough. He basically inhales it before it even has a chance to start to melt, but far too quickly to have been able to fully enjoy it. Not wanting to be a bother any more, he snuggles into his favourite blanket and succumbs to the comfort while watching the episode.
It gets to one of his favourite parts and he practically knows all of the words to the scene. It’s just so funny. When Rachel writes the letter, at an ungodly time in the middle of the night, and then wants Ross to read it right away, Sirius can’t help but laugh. She has some high expectations, but as she should, Rachel is a catch and deserves only the best.
“I could write an 18 page letter for you.” He says absent mindedly.
“Front and back?” Remus quips back.
It actually surprises Sirius that they haven’t had this exact conversation before given how many times he has seen this episode. “Of course, front and back.”
“I wouldn’t read it.” He smirks before looking back down at his phone.
At first he goes back to watching the show, but then his boyfriend’s words process in his brain. “What do you mean you wouldn’t read it?”
“Depending on what it was, of course.” Remus smiles at him.
The thing is though, if he had a reason to, Sirius would most definitely write an 18 page letter to Remus and he would appreciate it if he would read it. There haven’t been many times in his life where he has wanted to or had a reason to write a letter, much less one that long. But if there was a reason, he absolutely would.
The last letter he wrote, and delivered, was the night he left. He would have liked to have spent hours on it making sure it said everything it needed to. In the end he wrote it in just about three minutes. Sirius, who usually had gorgeous handwriting and a steady even hand scribbled this letter in the messiest illegible handwriting imaginable. There wasn’t time for him to make it neat.
If any part of that night had been planned, he would have done a lot of things differently. Except it wasn’t, so the messy letter he slipped under his brother’s door on his way out was the last letter he ever delivered. It’s not the last one he’s written, but no others have been sent. He wouldn’t even know where to send them now, since he assumes his brother isn’t at their parent’s house anymore.
But yes, if there was a reason to write Remus an 18 page letter, he totally would. Maybe one day he will, just to mess with him, just to spite him for saying he wouldn’t read it. “What if it’s a letter of me confessing my undying love for you?”
“And why couldn’t you say it instead of writing it?”
“Ah, but where’s the fun in that? Can’t I be all old-fashioned and send you a love letter?”
“I’m not going to win this, am I?”
“Not. A. Chance.” He playfully shakes his head with each word.
“Alright, well if I agree to read any letter you send me, no matter the length, will you admit that you’re sick and it’s good that you stayed in?”
Sirius is never one to admit defeat, but he also won’t be giving up on this letter argument anytime soon, so maybe the illness debate will have to be one he takes the loss in. “Yes, my moon.” He deliriously smiles at Remus.
“Fine. Yes, love, I would read your 18 page-”
“Front and back,” Sirius interjects with a smile.
“-front and back letter.” Remus finishes.
“And I am sick and glad we stayed in. Now come hold me so I can sleep!”
It doesn’t work at first. Remus doesn’t budge. He stays put in the arm chair, not so much as blinking in Sirius’ direction. This simply will not do. If Sirius wants to get a good night’s sleep, he absolutely needs to cuddle with Remus first. It’s quite literally the only way. He already used some of his bargaining power to get the tea, the ice pop, and the promise to read his letters, so he’s running out of options. The best thing Sirius can think to do is exploit one of his other best features, not his hair, but his eyes. He looks down, then lifts his head up slightly to show off the biggest most endearing puppy dog eyes imaginable. As he bats his eyelashes, he watches as Remus shifts and exhales deeply.
Not even thirty seconds later, Sirius is being shoved to his side of the bed to make room for Remus. He begrudgingly wraps one arm around his back and makes it so that Sirius can easily rest his head on his chest. It doesn’t take long for their breathing to line up perfectly. Laying like this makes it quite easy for him to begin to drift out of consciousness. His eyes flutter shut and the main sound in his ears is the steady beat of Remus’ heart. It’s soothing. Before he is fully asleep, he feels as his boyfriend shifts slightly to grab a book from the bedside table and flip it open to read.
It feels like only a few minutes later, but by the slight warm glow coming in from the window, he’s slept through most of the night. The sun is just starting to peek over the horizon, though it’s not quite sunrise yet. The majority of the sky is still a deep blue and purple mix, but the sliver that is starting to shine with warm tones is beautiful. Sirius has always loved sunrise. He also loves sunset, and the middle of the night when stars are out, and just about any time that the sky looks beautiful.
The arm around him belonging to Remus hasn’t moved from where it first was positioned hours ago. Above him, the same book is being held, though much further into it. “You haven’t slept?”
“Wanted to be up if you needed anything.” He easily replies.
His heart swells just a bit. Not that Remus isn’t usually up very late or not accustomed to staying up all night occasionally, but he never needs to do it on account of Sirius. He really shouldn’t. It makes Sirius both feel slightly guilty that he would choose to do that for him and so fucking happy that he has something who would. He would do the same for Remus in a heartbeat, but that doesn’t mean he should ever expect it to happen for him, and he doesn’t.
In all honesty, it makes him feel a bit flustered when Remus admits it. Especially given that he says it like it’s nothing. It’s not nothing, it’s really sweet. And Sirius is already feeling better than last night, even though he wasn’t very sick, he is practically back to normal already. All he needed must have been a good night of sleep which he got thanks to Remus.
He really doesn’t deserve Remus, and he doesn’t know how he got so lucky to have him.
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Just like most weekends, Bellatrix finds herself sitting on the back patio of Rodolphus’ house. Despite her having a better flat, she doesn’t have any outdoor space. When it’s nice out like it is tonight, it’s more enjoyable to sit outside and enjoy the warmth than to lounge around inside. They ordered take away and are watching as the sky fades from daylight to dusk. Somehow she managed to dominate the conversation, ranting about the girls from work and all that they did to annoy her this week, leaving little time for her to eat.
“Have you thought about quitting?” Rabastan asks.
Now with her mouth half full, she answers. “No, because then I would have to get used to a whole new group of people that want to small talk with me.”
That’s a sufficient enough answer, and entirely true. There are going to be people like Rita everywhere. There’s no job that exists in the publishing field that would give Bellatrix the peace and quiet that she prefers while working. A whole new office and new coworkers would only irk her more and within a few weeks she would be right back where she is now. At least here there’s the occasional tolerable person.
Most recently it’s been Dorcas. They have started to eat lunch at the same table, or get coffee at the same time, and they get along well enough. If there’s a day when Bellatrix absolutely doesn’t want to talk to anyone, Dorcas is never one to push. Though the days that she is feeling a bit more friendly, it’s a nice change of pace to have her around. They chat a bit about their lives or about the events they have coming up for work and how they should go to each other’s. Overall it isn’t awful. It’s better than suffering through work alone.
“Bella?” Rodolphus gets her attention.
“Oh, sorry. What were you saying? I wasn’t listening.” At this point the brothers are not phased by how she sometimes just tunes everyone else out and stays in her head for a bit.
“I’m moving-”
“Excuse me? Bas, what the fuck? You’re leaving? It’s not even been long since you came back, seriously don’t leave again already.” Her voice is more desperate than she cares to admit.
The thing with Rabastan is that he’s like a little brother to her. She wants to take care of him and keep an eye on him. Even if his actual older brother is here to do it, some things just stay with her. Like being an older sister. It’s not something that she can just ignore. The instinct to protect her younger siblings, or in this case faux younger siblings. He doesn’t need protection, he’s been traveling and living elsewhere on his own on and off for years now. Bellatrix just doesn’t exactly do well with people leaving. Much less younger siblings.
Part of her wants to yell at herself to calm down because Rabastan leaving isn’t forever, it isn’t him falling off the face of the Earth. It’s just moving. That’s all. He isn’t Narcissa and he isn’t Andromeda. This isn’t the same thing. She shouldn’t be as upset as she’s acting, she knows this. So, Bellatrix tries to compose herself and waits for him to continue talking.
Yelling isn’t going to get them anywhere. It also won’t change anything. Once he makes up his mind, he’s going to stick with it. After all, it’s impossible for him to make decisions to begin with. Which is how he ended up traveling for the last few years, never picking one place to settle down and stay for more than a month or two. But once he decides on something, there’s really no talking him out of it.
“Hey, calm down. Bella, I’m just moving to my own place. I’m staying in London.” His hand comes up to her shoulder to hold her steady.
“Oh. That’s-” She turns to look at the older brother, then continues. “Great. That’s really great, Bas. Did you have to freak me out like that though?”
“The look on your face was so worth it. My idea by the way.” Rodolphus smirks.
Brothers and sisters are a bit different. These boys may not be her blood, but they sure as hell have earned the titles of brother by now. So, Bellatrix is well versed in both brothers and sisters, and they are definitely different. Had one of her sisters done this, they would probably yell at each other until the cursing turned to words of affection.
Now though, with the boys, she is chasing both of them around the back garden while trying to find something she can throw at them. All three of them are laughing, but Bellatrix isn’t quite sure when she started to find this whole thing funny. She doesn’t quite care for being tricked like that. Especially when they exploit one of the main things they know is a sore subject.
Either way, all of the earlier, however momentary, tension is gone and they are free to enjoy the night. Even after the sun dips below the horizon, the air is still warm. A sign that spring is coming to an end and summer might finally arrive. Rabastan wanders inside and comes back a few minutes later with a bottle of wine and three glasses. They each pour some and sit back to enjoy.
Eventually the conversation loops back to the flat that Rabastan is moving to in two weeks. He raves about the place and how it’s such a steal for the amount he is going to be paying in rent. Perhaps it’s not the best neighborhood, likely quite shit compared to the area that they all grew up in, but it will still be his own place. That’s what he is most excited about. Before now, he’s never had a place that’s all his own.
Rodolphus seems most excited to have his house back to being just his. Even more so than the excitement his little brother has to move out. They are both beyond happy about this announcement, and the fact that they nearly caused Bellatrix to have an aneurism. By now she is able to be happy for both of them, and promises to split her time between them now that they aren’t under one roof. A bit inconvenient for all of them if you ask her, but she isn’t asked her opinion on that. She does however inform Rabastan that she will in fact be helping him decorate the flat to keep him from living in either the messiest place ever, or the most bland place.
None of them seem to be ready to let the night end, even as the hours tick by, so Bellatrix takes her turn to get up and grab them another bottle of wine. She looks through the wine cooler and finds the bottle that looks to be the most expensive and settles on that. All of them can afford it, and Rodolphus wouldn’t even notice which bottles are drunk as long as he got to enjoy them.
On her way back to the door to the garden, her phone starts to ring. Which is a bit odd, because no one should be calling her at this time of night. “Hello?” She answers.
“Is this Bellatrix Black?” A woman’s voice says.
“Yes, who is this?”
“I’m calling from the hospital because you are the emergency contact…”
That can’t be right. There are only two people who she knows she is the emergency contact for, and both of them are standing right in her eye line, drinking the last sips from their wine glasses. She accidentally tuned out the woman on the phone, because her words aren’t making much sense. Who else would have her phone number down as an emergency contact? It couldn’t possibly be anyone from work, that would be ridiculous. There is no one else.
“Ma’am? Did I lose you?” The woman’s voice comes back through and registers in her brain again.
“I’m here. Who did you say is hurt?” She isn’t sure why, but her voice is shaky and her breath is uneven.
“Narcissa Black, your sister I presume.”
The bottle of wine slips from her grip and shatters on the kitchen floor. Her phone falls from her ear, and distantly the woman on the other end of the line can be heard trying to give her more information. Bellatrix doesn’t need to hear anymore.
Narcissa.
Her sister. Her sister is here. Her sister still has her down as an emergency contact. Her sister is hurt.
Her sister is hurt.
That’s when Bellatrix falls to the ground. Narcissa is hurt. She has to get to her, she has to make sure she’s okay. She has to be okay, because they finally have a chance to see each other again. Rabastan and Rodolphus come running when they hear the sounds of glass shattering, and Bellatrix breaking down. She feels as they try to pull her up, one of them picking up the phone and likely getting more information. It’s hard to pay attention to anything else right now.
All she can hear on repeat in her mind is the woman on the phone. Narcissa Black, your sister I presume. She hasn’t been a sister in eight years, but then again, she always has been and always will be a sister. It’s who she is.