eight years
Regulus loves writing. Really, he does. Anyone who knows him knows this. Every single one of his friends, if asked, would tell you there is nothing he loves doing more. He spends at least an hour or two every day writing. He gets into a zone and literally nothing can pull him out of it. Sometimes it is for his upcoming novel, but a lot of the time it’s whatever feels right in the moment. He has pages and pages of stories that may never leave his computer, but that doesn’t matter.
So you see, he absolutely loves to write. Remember that.
Currently, sitting in his office - on the sofa, not at the desk, he writes infinitely better on the sofa - he has pages and pages of his current draft of his manuscript for his fifth novel splayed out in front of him. It’s the last in his series, and could be the last he publishes ever. Though that is to be determined. He may not even publish this one. That conversation would not go over well with his editor or publisher, but he’s thinking about it.
He doesn’t quite care about that right now because with one finger on the delete button on his computer, and his other hand holding a lighter, he’s ready to entirely get rid of the story. His story. Regulus is fully prepared to get rid of all traces of it, to engulf it in flames and watch it burn. He flicks the lighter on and it catches on the first small stack of pages, slowly spreading to the rest, and he just watches it.
The door bursts open before he deleted the electronic copy, which to be fair he hesitated with. “Reg, what the fuck!” Barty screams, entering the room and pulling his shirt collar over his mouth.
The flames haven’t spread too much, but the smoke is filling the room. He doesn’t even care to avoid breathing it in. It wouldn’t take more than another ten minutes for the entire room to be up in flames.
“Ev, get in here!” He doesn’t look up from the flames that dance across the pages, eating up word after word.
This book is more vulnerable than the rest. It’s the most vulnerable thing he has ever written, and quite honestly he doesn’t know if he wants anyone else to read it. No one would know it’s about him, he has never labeled himself as the character throughout the books. The characters all have different names. Hell, he even uses a pseudonym so that no one can trace it back to him even if they tried. But even still, having the most raw parts of him out for anyone to see terrifies him.
Regulus definitely didn’t think this through when he started writing years ago. Well, he started writing a long time ago, before he left, even before his brother left. But it didn’t turn into anything until about four years ago when his friend Pandora read some of his writing against his will and insisted he set up a meeting with her friend who is an editor. Less than a few pages into reading a very rough draft of his first book, his editor was already on the phone with a publisher.
Now, he’s released four books and has the fifth set to come out at the end of the year. This was the easiest to write, it all just flowed out on him and onto the page. It’s his own story, everything he lived through, everything he has since put behind him. It contains the worst parts of Regulus. All of the tears and hurt and pain and agony, all the memories that haunt him now.
Which is exactly why he wants it gone forever.
When he eventually does look up, the warmth by his fingertips is gone and the flickering light of the flames has been extinguished. “Reg? Care to explain why I just put out a fire?”
“Hmm?” He looks up at Evan, dazed.
Maybe trying to work today was a bad idea. It's a hard day for him, as it is every year, but he was trying. Hasn't he gotten stronger in the last eight years? Most days that have no meaning, prove that he has. Today however, never seems to go in his favor. The odds are against him and no matter what, he feels alone on this day every year. His friends know, but he hides it as best he can. Regulus doesn't tell them he's close to his breaking point every year. Doesn't say that he feels the world crashing around him on the anniversary of the day he was left all alone.
Just like that day, each year he keeps going, still alone in the world, even with his friends by his side. Everyone leaves, it's only a matter of time.
“Jesus fuck, Reg. Alright, listen. We can talk about this later, but you clearly need a distraction right now. I’m calling James and we are going out.” Barty interrupts.
He starts to actually listen when he hears James’ name, and he hates himself for it. See, Barty and Evan have been his best friends for years, over a decade, they know absolutely everything about him and have been on the sidelines through everything that happened in his life. It’s a lot, and to be honest he doesn’t know why they stuck around. In addition to them he also has Pandora, who did start out as just Evan’s sister, but she has been an incredible friend too. Regulus probably wouldn’t have gotten through it all without her, or any of them.
James came later. More precisely, James came after. He never saw the before, he has only heard about it and read about it. It’s a weird balance of him knowing so much, yet still being separate. No matter how close they have grown, Regulus will always keep him at arms length. He won’t reveal everything, he won’t be fully vulnerable, because then he might just leave. His other friends stayed, even when they had so many times they could leave. James hasn’t had an out yet, and Regulus wants to keep him from finding one.
Across the room, Evan opens the window and tries to clear the smoke. Barty looks at him and just smirks. “Mmm, yeah I thought calling James would fix this. You’re so easy.”
“I don’t like James, stop insinuating that I do.” Regulus sighs. “Yeah, fine. Invite him, let’s go get drunk. He is less annoying when I’m drinking anyway.”
It’s not a total lie, or the total truth for that matter. He and James constantly bicker, it’s just what they do. Always have and always will. Partly because Regulus doesn’t want to let him in any more than he already has. Evan had become friends with him at school and thought he would get along with the rest of their friends, and well that was that. James hasn’t left them alone since. It’s been nearly three years since they met and not a day goes by that he doesn’t want to smack him.
It took months for Regulus to warm up to him, and even that is a stretch. It just takes a lot for him to open up to anyone. The hardest part was that about two months into knowing him, James mentioned that he read Regulus’ first two books - without knowing they were written by him. He talked for ten minutes about how much he loved them and how he was looking forward to the third, before Regulus abruptly got up from the table and left. Barty had run after him, while Evan tried to do damage control with James without fully revealing Regulus’ biggest secret.
The next time they saw each other was a month later. It was tense for Regulus, meanwhile James appeared to be stressed and worried that he hurt him. Which in a way he did, but why did he even care? They were barely even friends yet. He quickly learned that this was just how James is, overly and insufferably caring. It took some getting used to, to say the least.
Most authors are proud of their work and want everyone to know it. That’s not to say that he isn’t proud of his work, but there is no way that he is comfortable with people knowing it’s him writing it. It took a lot for him to be open about it with his editor and publisher, and even that was pushing it. It’s just that it’s a slippery slope once someone knows, more people will inevitably find out and then it will get out that he is writing about himself and his family, and then everything would go up in flames.
Regulus uses a pen name for a reason. The only people who he let know are Barty, Evan, Pandora, Alice who is his editor, and Dorcas, his publisher. That was always meant to be it. He ruined that when he panicked in front of James and decided it was easier to tell him than come up with another explanation for his meltdown. Now here they are nearly two years later, James still insufferable and Regulus still denying he enjoys his company, and so many secrets shared between the two. More than he ever meant.
He doesn’t know everything, and he may never know more than he does now. In reality it’s just his three best friends who know it all. They were there, it’s not like he could pull all of the knowledge they already had about the Black family out of their heads when he started writing. Everyone else only knows his brother and cousins by the names used in the book. That’s how it will stay if he gets what he wants.
Slowly their friendship moved from friends of friends, to sort of friends, to friends who seem like they hate each other to anyone outside of their group. That’s how Regulus is with a lot of people, like Barty for example. He rolls his eyes at him and throws things at him from across the room on a daily basis, and they insult each other constantly. But he’s the best friend he’s ever had. Evan too, though he is arguably less infuriating and Regulus rarely wants to smack him.
Somehow James has veered into this territory, entirely by surprise. He is almost certain James did this on purpose; finding ways to piss him off without ever going too far, being so insufferable yet somehow still being endearing, making him laugh when he is on the verge of breaking. Regulus absolutely hates it. He hates James so much.
“Come on, James will be over any minute. Go change, your clothes reek of smoke from the fire you tried to set.” Evan pushes him out of the office and towards the stairs. He rolls his eyes, knowing that whatever he puts on will end up smelling like smoke at whatever club they go to tonight, so really what’s the point.
Before he even takes one step up someone yells for him again. To be honest, he’s a bit dazed right now, so it takes him a second to register. Working through the manuscript today drained him. It’s his story, he’s told it before, he’s talked about parts of it, but having it all written out is sickening.
Reading through and editing it, is like some kind of fucked up therapy session where you don’t have a trained therapist and nothing gets resolved. Everything is still exactly the same, and he can’t just take a red pen and cross out the parts he doesn’t like, the way he would when writing fiction. No, this novel isn’t a shred of fiction. Other than the names, every word happened. Regulus wishes so badly that it could be fiction.
“Reg! For fuck’s sake. You started a fire?” James trails behind him.
He just hums in response. That’s exactly what he did. Felt quite nice to be honest, maybe he should do it more often. Get some anger and frustration out. Now that… He's sure a therapist would tell him is concerning, but if no one gets hurt, he really doesn’t think there’s any harm. Either way, it actually isn’t a habit of his so he won’t be doing it again, but he can’t deny it felt nice today.
A hand reaches out and grabs roughly onto his arm. “Are you alright? Seriously, Regulus.”
He exhales a soft chuckle, though only he knows why. “Yes, James. I’m perfectly fine, see.” He does a quick twirl at the top of the stairs to show he was not harmed in his game with fire. “Now, will you let me pick out an outfit to wear out tonight, or do you think you need to babysit me? Actually, you don’t get to decide. I’m picking out something slutty, so I can find a way to let out the rest of my frustration tonight, since Barty ruined my fun.”
“Uh- Sure yeah, I’ll be downstairs. Ready whenever you are.” And then he leaves him be. Took him long enough.
Entering his expansive walk in closet, he tries to narrow down his options. They’re likely going somewhere in the city to some place Barty frequents. So dancing, drinking, probably some smoking, and if all goes to plan, Regulus will find someone to go home with or hook up with in the bathroom. Doesn’t make too much of a difference to him, worst case he’ll make out with Barty. Wouldn’t be the first time, and probably not even the last.
Regardless, he goes through options of outfits. First he grabs a plain, slim fit pair of black trousers. A staple to any outfit, honestly. Now, shirts are a much harder decision. He grabs for a cropped black blazer with a black floral pattern on it. Mmm, a bit too flashy tonight, he thinks. A mesh shirt catches his eye, he hasn’t worn this one in awhile. It’s short sleeve with a few stars scattered on it, which may or may not have been the reason he bought it. His next thought is a long sleeve black satin shirt.
Oh, yes, this will do. He slips it on, only buttoning the bottom three buttons, and tucking it into his pants, leaving more than half of the buttons open. His chest is practically entirely visible, and ever since he was fully healed from his surgery, Regulus loves nothing more than to show it off. He’s hot and he knows it, can you blame him?
Before leaving his room, he runs his hands through his hair, letting it settle effortlessly. “Let’s go, I need a drink.”
This gets a laugh from the other three as they watch him descend the stairs. All of them helped themselves to his alcohol while he was changing. A bit rude to not even bring him a glass, honestly. At the bottom of the stairs, he steals the glass from Barty’s hand and downs what’s left in it. Much to his displeasure it turns out to be straight vodka.
He winces and Barty shakes his head. “That’s what you get for stealing my drink.”
“It’s my liquor! Where did those manners you learned as a child go?”
“You act as if he ever actually had any.” Evan chimes in.
Growing up, their parents all ran in the same circles. The elite upper class of London, notorious for being pompous assholes and acting like it’s still Victorian times. Dinner parties with formal attire, balls, hell there have even been (attempted) arranged marriages in the last decade or so. Clearly not the sort of thing Regulus, Evan, Barty, or even Pandora get up to now, though Regulus fit in best out of the four of them back before he left. He had to. It was his only option.
“You’re right, he was horrid. Stepped on my toes while dancing too. At least he doesn’t do that anymore.” Regulus wanders to the bar and pours himself a shot of tequila, wanting at least a little more to drink before they leave.
Barty shouts back, still in the foyer. “Only because I know you’ll stomp on my foot if I do it to you, even if it’s an accident.” Thinking he’s quiet enough for Regulus to not hear (and failing), he then adds, “I have to watch where I step constantly! He’s never letting me live that down.”
It’s not long before the cab arrives, and then it’s only a short drive to whichever club Barty decided on. If he digs through his memories, Regulus is sure he’s been here at some point, but he has little to no recollection of it. They quickly pass the bouncer at the door and head down the stairs to the basement where music that he doesn’t recognize is blaring and smoke is already filling the air. This is the perfect escape for him right now, quite honestly. If he stayed in his office any longer - ignoring the fact that he was lighting it on fire not even two hours ago - he would have gone insane. Yeah, he definitely should not have gone near his book today.
The current draft of his book is only half the length of the last one. Not because Alice gave him that many suggested edits, because she didn’t. No, he just started reading it over and hating entire chapters, entire integral parts of the story, and simply cut them out. He got this one back from Alice not even two days later with big question marks written at the chapter breaks where there used to be more. Honestly it only made Regulus want to cut out even more of the story. He can’t, but that is a later problem.
This is the issue with writing something so personal. At this point he sort of has to publish it, but he also doesn’t want anyone else to know his full story. Very few people know it, and there’s people he thinks should know it, and there’s people he doesn’t want to know under any circumstances. The latter two groups are the exact same pool of people. Publishing this book will expose too much, but the series has to be finished. He didn’t feel this anxious for the first three. Yes he was a main character, but he wasn’t the main character. The fourth was nearly as hard as this one, only because those events cut him the deepest. This one though, he’s the main character, but there’s no background characters anymore. It's just him. Him and him alone.
Regulus will deal with it eventually, but not tonight. Right now he just needs a drink in his hand and some music he can dance to. It’s a miracle he still enjoys dancing in any sense. He thought it would be ruined for him after all those years, but dancing in a club is different enough that he can have fun.
Once he gets drinks from the bar, he finds the other three already towards the center of the dance floor. Barty has one hand draped over Evan’s shoulder, practically holding onto the nape of his neck, trying to get him to at least sway to the music - Evan is not having it at all, but is now happy to have a drink in his hand. Infuriatingly, James looks happy to be here and dances embarrassingly off beat. If he was a little bit more drunk, maybe then Regulus would try to get James on beat. For now he just watches in amusement. Not for any other reason, definitely not.
“Staring at something, Black?” Evan smirks, now giving in to a bit of something that vaguely resembles dancing.
Barty scoffs. “Not something. Someone” He looks at him pointedly, but only says it loud enough for the two of them to hear.
He knows exactly what Barty meant by that and, no. Absolutely not. Regulus is not putting up with this anymore, because he definitely does not like James like that. First off, they’re friends, which he knows doesn’t hold up any sliver of an argument with Barty, seeing how he and Evan are practically always flirting. Second, it’s James. That’s argument enough, right? Except Barty is right and he is staring, but fuck… You can’t even blame him.
James dances and doesn’t care who is watching or what he looks like while doing it. Something Regulus is envious of, he always feels eyes on him and doesn’t want to mess up. His warm brown skin even seems to glow in the lighting of the club, and the mirrorball on the ceiling projects little specks of light that splatter across his face. It’s fucking mesmerizing. How is Regulus the only one witnessing this, how is he the only one that can’t peel his eyes away from James? Okay, so maybe he has a slight problem.
He's weak tonight, guard still all the way up, but needing a reprieve. One drink becomes two, two becomes four, and four becomes six. Evan replaces the empty cup in his hand with a glass of water, which he sips at and then hands back. Regulus is drunk but not too drunk that he can't handle himself. He's right where he wants to be in order to let himself forget the day and enjoy the night.
Around two hours into the night, Regulus starts to let go. If asked while sober, he would say it's simply because midnight has passed and it's no longer one of the worst days of his life. Drunk Regulus however knows it is because his friends got him out of his head. Now he's dancing for the fun of it, one of his friends, likely Barty, right behind him, hand lightly on his hip.
They have ended up here a million times before, it's comfortable, it's safe, it's easy. Regulus knows that, at least for now, if he needs someone, that Barty is always right there. They have hooked up before because it's easy and because they're always just going to be friends. Especially on nights out like this, it’s nice to just have someone that is easy and without strings.
It's a surprise to him now, that when he looks up he locks eyes with Barty who is evidently not behind him holding their bodies together.
He mouths ‘Who is it?’ to his best friend, who simply just laughs at him, fully audible over the loud music.
“What's so funny?” The voice shocks him, mouth right by his ear. It sends a shiver down his spine.
Oh.
Regulus can't explain how he ended up here. He really, genuinely, can't. The thing is, he also can't pull himself away. Blame the alcohol or his bad day, but Regulus is perfectly content with his back pressed up against James Potter. Does he remember how he ended up here? No he does not. He really doesn't care. Maybe he should care, maybe sober Regulus would care. Right now he doesn’t, not even a little bit. Their hips move together in perfect time, and for once James is on beat. That, Regulus will take credit for.
The music keeps playing and they keep dancing. Everything seems to fade away when James swiftly uses his hands where they rest on Regulus' hips to spin him around so they are facing each other. It takes his breath away. Their bodies remain together, no space between their bodies, and only a short distance separating their faces.
Tilting his head to look up into James’ eyes through his stupid glasses, Regulus could just melt. What the fuck is happening to him? James is infuriating and insufferable and a friend that has absolutely no business looking at him like that. His eyes have a sparkle to them that makes it very hard for Regulus to focus on anything else.
One second he's lost, the next second their lips are crashing together.
Regulus brings his hands from James’ shoulders to the nape of his neck and entangles them into his messy hair. Together, moving as one, they continue to sway to the music, more carelessly than before. When Regulus tugs on his hair, a moan escapes into his mouth, vibrating through them both. Oh, this is doing things to him that it shouldn't be. His mind is fuzzy and quite honestly nothing makes sense.
They're not slowing, in fact they don't break away for even a second. The rest of the club fades away and it's just them. His hands snake down to grip Regulus’ thighs and he uses the position to lift him up. Instinctively Regulus wraps his legs around James’ waist, hands still knotted in his hair, lips still pressed to lips. It's as if nothing outside of them even exists.
James holding Regulus, James kissing Regulus. Just… James and Regulus.
Time doesn't exist, in fact nothing does, until they break apart. If they hadn’t come up for air, well things would have escalated. The club and all the people around them come back into view, the music enters his ears again, and his brain starts to function again.
He was just kissing James Potter. He is currently being held by James Potter. And he absolutely doesn't like James Potter like this. Oh god, Barty and Evan saw the entire thing and will use it against him, so he’s fucked.. This was just a mistake right? A lapse in judgment? A result of too much to drink? Letting out frustration after the day he had? That's all it was, that's all it will be. Right?
But, then again…. James is still holding him tight and James is still looking into his eyes and James is still smiling like an idiot. It's hard not to return the grin or to get lost in his eyes again.
Regulus really wants James to kiss him again.
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He was prepared for the day this year. Sirius took all of the precautions to make sure he would be okay. His friends are all available and by now have all been around for at least a few years, though no one has been here for all eight. Remus cleared his entire schedule, day and night, without Sirius even asking him to. He would be fine on his own for a bit, or with someone else, but Remus makes him feel safe. It’s better like this.
In all honesty, there's no reason for him not to feel safe. He has been entirely free every day for the last eight years and nothing and no one has tried to threaten that. Maybe he was alone for the first year or so, but at least he was free. It took a long time to stop looking over his shoulder constantly, and really, he's only decreased that a bit. He still does it. As if his parents could be around any corner waiting to grab him and take him back.
He doesn’t know why he thinks that. They wouldn't want him, they barely even wanted him as a kid. He was meant to be their perfect son who would someday take over his father’s business and uphold the Black family name. That never interested Sirius. It was never going to interest him. All he wanted was to enjoy life and be able to express himself.
Regardless of the fact that he woke up today with that same pit in his stomach as he did eight years ago, he got up and kept moving. No one was out to get him today, nothing bad was going to happen. He just… He always thinks that something will. The reality is, today is just an average day in very early spring, with the temperature warming up just a bit, and overall moods improving. So really, he’s doing okay. All things considered.
“Pete wants to know if we're going out. Marls texted everyone apparently.” Remus shouts from the kitchen.
When he says everyone, he likely isn't exaggerating. The group of them, over the years, has grown quite large. They take in stragglers all the time and well, that's how Sirius ended up friends with them too. Quite a few of them were friends as kids, some met in school, some were even once people they met out at a pub and adopted into the friend group after a drunken night. It's a family in itself. One that they all chose to be part of.
Sirius feels at home with these people. For the most part. He can’t help but long for the people that made life worth living when he was younger. Just those few pieces are missing from his life, otherwise he would be perfectly content.
“Hmm, what if we stayed in tonight? Maybe invite some others who aren't up for the club over?” Sirius really doesn't have the energy for a club… It has mentally been a rough day..
“Already did, sweetheart.” Remus places a soft kiss to his forehead and takes a seat next to him. “I knew you didn't want to go. They’ll be over in an hour with takeout.”
“Let me guess, Lily and Mary?”
He smiles. “Obviously.”
Most days, Sirius could easily be the one rounding everyone up for a long and very fun night out, but not today. There's too much on his mind and he wouldn't have fun. Honestly, if he went out, he's sure he would bring the mood down and that is absolutely the last thing he wants to do. Not when he's usually the life of the party. Not when he knows he'd let people down.
After a lifetime of letting people down, he’s tired. Tired of it, tired of everything.
So Sirius does what is best for him. The same as he's done for the last eight years.
If he always worried about letting other people down, or what other people think, or what other people need from him, he would never have a life of his own.
He curls up against Remus and he feels safe. There's really no where he's felt this okay, like nothing could ever hurt him. Laying here, he absent-mindedly pulls out his phone and checks for any notifications. There's some from the group chat, but Remus answered for them so he can ignore them. Nothing else interests him or needs his attention right now, so he clears everything from the screen. It’s not like he thought there would be anything waiting for him. There couldn’t be.
He flips to the phone app and his thumb hovers over one contact. It would be so easy to send a message or just call, but he doesn't. He never does. This isn't his same phone that he had before, but each time he's gotten a new one, he transfers the contact. Just in case. Just in case he wants to use it, though it only makes him wonder if his old number has gotten any calls.
“Would he still have the same number, you think?” Remus is peering over his shoulder.
Sirius shrugs. “Not sure if he would even answer if I called…”
“You won't know unless you try, but don't push yourself. Today was hard, you can let yourself deal with that without adding more stress on.”
He knows he's right. “What if- what if he's having a bad day too? What if me calling would help him? I have to - I should try… It's my fault if he's having a hard day. I-”
“Sweetheart, breathe.” Remus strokes his hair and holds him close. “It's been eight years, right? He's okay. Are you okay?”
The thing is, he is okay, and he isn't okay. Right now, he's okay. Life is good, he has lovely friends who care about him, a wonderful boyfriend that took him nearly five years to officially start dating, and a life he made for himself. So, yeah he's okay. But eight years ago something broke in him, something detached and he can't find a way to get it back. A part of him has felt untethered since that day, the other beacon somewhere out there, out of reach, out of sight. That part of him is not okay, but he doesn't have the power to change that.
By the time the girls arrive, Sirius is calmer. Remus held him and reminded him that everything is okay, even if it isn’t. In preparation for the rest of the night, all of the cushions of the sofa and pillows from the bed were pulled off and arranged on the floor to create one giant pile for them all to sit on. More blankets than they could need and more pillows than they thought they had, but it sets them up for maximum comfort. Cookie dough was also made and is sitting out on the counter to put into the oven as soon as they want cookies. Sirius is laying out, taking up the entire space, when the door swings open.
It’s pretty much an open door policy between them and all their friends. More than once Sirius has arrived home to someone that definitely doesn’t live in his flat sitting at the table eating. There are probably quite a few spare keys floating around their group, though he tends to forget to even lock the door quite frequently. He doesn’t question it anymore and is always happy to have people around. Well, almost always.
“Make room, you whore,” Lily shouts at him. She quickly puts down the bags she carried in and dives across the room landing half on top of Sirius and half falling off the makeshift floor-bed-sofa.
He sighs. “Really , Lils? You call me a whore and pounce on me in the same breath. And in my own house! The audacity. Remus, are you seeing this?”
“Keep me out of this.” He laughs, to no one's surprise. Remus never picks sides between his best friend and his boyfriend.
At the sound of the oven beeping, Remus puts the tray of cookies in before returning. Mary joins them on the ground, shortly followed by Remus who has four wine glasses and the remote to the TV. One bottle of wine is placed on the nearest table, in an attempt to avoid possible catastrophe of it falling, spilling, breaking, or anything of the sort. Swiftly, Mary opens it and pours for each of them. Sirius snatches the remote away and starts aimlessly scrolling through possible movie options. A few movies pass by with no comment, a few prompt Lily to whack Sirius’ arm for skipping over them and not going back, but all in all, coming to a consensus is difficult.
This group of four has had too many movie nights to count, with nearly half of them ending without a single movie ever having played. They call them ‘movie nights’, though it's a silent arrangement that it's an excuse to drink too much wine and gossip. Between them, they have more than enough knowledge of what's going on with pretty much everyone in their group of friends. For some unknown reason, everyone will tell Lily anything. Not to say that people don’t confide in or gossip with the rest of them, but somehow she knows everything. It gets on Sirius’ nerves because if anyone can keep a secret it's him, not Lily.
To say any of them are tight lipped, would be a lie. Though Sirius is proud to admit that the longest kept secret between all of their friends was that he and Remus had started dating. Different people seemed to know for varying amounts of time that they each were pining after the other, but once the first move was made, no one found out for a really long time. Longer than it took for any other drama or exciting information to be spread before.
It took a whole month for someone to catch on. Remus has said, every time it comes up, that everyone should have picked up on it sooner, because they were literally all over each other. Lily, the first to notice, claims that it didn't look much different than when Remus was drooling over every move Sirius made, or how Sirius’ attention couldn’t be kept for more than a few minutes unless it was Remus talking. Both of which are true, but Sirius refuses to be blamed for it. Nothing else matters when Remus is talking.
“Earth to Sirius…” Fingers snap in front of his face.
“Yes, sweetheart?”
Lily and Mary share a glance and then burst out laughing. Okay so, point proven. It's still true, nothing can get his attention like the lovely voice of his boyfriend can.
“You're insufferable. Just pick a movie or give us something to gossip about.” Lily rolls her eyes.
Mary is the first to start. “Just throw on something in the background while we eat. I did find out something that happened the last time we went to the pub, but more wine is absolutely necessary.”
“On the way over here you said you didn't know anything!” Lily yells back at her. “At least tell me who it’s about to hold me over.” Playfully, Lily shoves Mary, then steals her glass of wine and finishes it off.
While the two girls bicker and Mary caves and starts telling a story about something dumb Marlene did when she snuck away from the group early, Sirius leans back and settles into Remus drowning them out. He's between his legs laying on his chest and oh he feels so warm. Not just warm. Safe. He feels at home when he's in his arms, like nothing can hurt him.
Remus has said before that Sirius gives him the same feeling, but it scares him just a little bit every time. What if with Remus in his arms, when Remus is his, he could still hurt him? He doesn't want to, but hurting people has never been his intention. It just… happens. He can't control it.
The comfortability of it all scares him, to be quite honest. He has never been good at staying…. He hasn’t left many places, just the one, but it was the hardest thing he ever did. He had to, and it cost him everything. Sirius doesn’t want to leave here ever. The thing is, he runs when he’s scared. It’s just what he tends to do.
All of this to say, he loves Remus, he loves what they have, he loves what they are, but it scares him so much. He's utterly terrified of what could happen. If Sirius becomes too much and his star burns up and takes Remus with him in the process. It would destroy them both, but he really can't keep Remus away from him, and he doesn't want to. So instead he sits comfortably leaning into him, where he wants to stay forever, where he feels most at home.
“Alright, since none of you seemed to have heard the timer, I’ll get the cookies.” Mary makes her way to the kitchen. The plate of cookies she returns with is full of very thin, definitely messed up but probably still edible cookies. “Who made these?”
Normally, Sirius is pretty okay at baking. Not necessarily some insanely good baker, but decent. Able to follow a recipe. All baked goods coming out looking good and tasting good. So this plate of cookies is the exception. He really doesn’t want to admit it was him. “Sirius did,” Remus oh so helpfully announces.
“Just taste them, I’m sure they’re fine.” He defends. “It’s what’s on the inside that counts, don’t be mean, Macdonald.”
Hesitantly, she takes a bite, but seems to enjoy it well enough. Talking with her mouthful she adds, “Fine, they’re good. Did you forget to chill the dough?”
“Might have…” He knows he did. The stress of living in his head today wasn't really conducive for baking, but it was what he wanted to do. He’s trying his best. Feeling defeated, even if only slightly, he slumps further into Remus. “Keep doing that, I like it when you do that.”
“I can braid it if you like,” Remus adds as his fingers lightly tangle in his hair, earning a nod from Sirius.
“Have I ever said I miss when you two were just friends?” Lily fake gags at them.
Both boys laugh. “Don't worry, you'll find someone soon. The right one for you is out there.”
A movie is now playing in the background as they all are quietly enjoying the take out food. The second bottle of wine is opened, and after filling all of their glasses is gone. What can they say, all four of them have heavy pours.
Everyone is content and Sirius at least is having a better night than expected. He hasn't given his earlier tears another thought. Sometimes all he needs is a distraction to be reminded of what he has now and how good things are after having made his decision. To be reminded that what he did was okay because he chose himself.
“Well speaking of the right one…” Fifteen minutes have passed since the off handed comment was made, though they all turn to Lily expectantly. “I have a date next week.”
The smile spreads on her face. Wordlessly, Mary grabs Lily’s wine glass and places it, along with hers, off to the side, and then immediately tackles her down onto the cushions. “And you're just now telling me?”
“Way to keep the interesting shit from us.” Sirius rolls his eyes.
“It was literally just decided today! And hey, I wasn't even going to say anything in case it goes badly.
“It won't. I mean, have they seen you? Lils, anyone who has seen you and is attracted to girls, would be insane to not fall instantly in love with you.” Remus throws a pillow at her for even insinuating that she won't make her date fall madly in love with her in two seconds flat.
“You didn't.” She starts pointing at Remus. “Or you,” Sirius, “Or you,” Mary. Which, while true, proves absolutely nothing.
“We don't count.” Sirius smiles. “Remus and I fell instantly in love with each other. You don't stand a chance when I’m in the mix, Evans.”
Lightly, Remus dips his head down and catches him in a kiss. This earns a groan of annoyance from Mary and Lily, while at the same time pulling a soft hum from Sirius. As soon as Remus pulls away, he wants more. He reaches out and cups his cheek and pulls him back in, before releasing him. He isn’t sure how he ever lived without being able to sit with and kiss Remus any time. Really. If he stayed right here forever, doing nothing else in the world, he would be content. It’s so lovely and intoxicating and if Mary wasn’t talking and laughing at him, he would forget anything else in the world exists.
He links their hands together and Remus begins to rub soothing circles into the back of his hand with his thumb. “You’re just jealous.”
They all break out into playful laughter and then fall back into a comfortable quiet as the sound from the TV comes back into focus. Sirius doesn’t actually know what movie was put on, but now it’s halfway through and he really doesn’t know. It’s pretty late and without trying, his eyes eventually flutter shut and he goes soft against Remus’ chest. In his half conscious state, he keeps hold of the other’s hand like a safety blanket.
He gets woken up by the feeling of Remus moving behind him and quietly laughing. His eyes blink sleepily and once his vision comes into focus he looks over to the phone in front of him. The group chat seems to be buzzing over something someone said, but too many texts have come in for him to see the original right away.
“That would’ve been you two without a doubt,” Mary says through her laughter. Not even understanding the joke, Sirius finds himself smiling and even laughing a bit. Mary has always had an infectious laugh, and when she smiles no one can stop themselves from smiling back.
Remus is laughing the least in response. “We have self control, we would not be all over each other in a club.”
“Love, we literally were the last time we went out.” Sirius smiles as he cranes his neck to look at him. “My legs were wrapped around your waist against the wall in the corner. Wait- how did this come up?”
Lily helpfully shows him the original texts having come from Marlene. Miss the lot of you that are boring and stayed in… Tonight is so fun. This couple is all over each other it’s so funny. They’re giving us a good show. And then another text from Peter, Thought for a second they might undress each other right in the middle of the club. The remaining texts are the rest of their friends, both those that went out and those that didn’t, laughing at the image painted for them.
It is quite funny, considering that when Sirius gets drunk, he absolutely cannot keep his hands off Remus. All he wants is to be closer to him and to drink him in and get drunk off his love for Remus even more than the alcohol. So, yeah… Mary is right, if they were out at that club tonight, they would be the couple a group of friends texted about in a group chat, likely to make fun of.
But who cares when they’re the ones happy and in love and having fun? Sirius is sure that the couple doing that tonight in their place, is just as in love as he and Remus are. He hopes they’re having a good night, they deserve it.
They spend another hour gossiping and drinking wine until Lily checks her phone again. “It’s already 3 in the morning? Shit, I have to be up in four hours. Why do I let you guys do this to me?”
“Your fault for having a job that you have to get up early for on Fridays!” Sirius laughs. He doesn’t go into work until at least noon, or honestly whenever he feels like it. A few years ago his hours were more set, but now he’s part owner of the tattoo shop and has more freedom.
She rolls her eyes. “I love my job and honestly, since I switched classes, the teacher I work with has made it so much better. She’s lovely.”
“Do you have a crush on her, Lily?”
“God, Mary, no I don’t, plus I have a date with someone else. She’s just loads better than the last one I worked with. Maybe I’ll invite her out for drinks with us sometime.” With that, Lily grabs her bag and coaxes Mary, who was quite comfortable and complains the whole time she gets up, off the floor and to the door. “Goodnight, see you!”
And then it’s quiet. Not that they made things loud or overwhelming, because they really don’t. But it’s quieter, and Sirius can feel the difference. Everything he pushed from his mind while they were over, starts to flood back in. It’s dumb, at least he thinks it is. No - he knows it is.
What’s the point in worrying about this every year when nothing is going to change. This day will pass every year and it will still be a reminder of the best and worst day of his life. He wishes so badly that they weren’t so intertwined. That he could go back and change things so that only the good part happened, that he took everything that meant the world to him with him, that he didn’t ruin everything all at the same time.
The thing is, he isn’t even sure that things were ruined. Maybe Sirius could have gone back and fixed things, he could’ve gone back and made things right. He just never did. If someone asked him why, the answer he would give is that he couldn’t. That physically, he was unable to. The truth is, he was scared, he still is scared, maybe he will always be scared.
It was all terrifying for sixteen year old Sirius. What if his decision hurt people, not just people but the one person he cares about more than anything? As far as he knows it didn’t, but the possibility has always and will always be in the back of his head. It’s been eight years and he is still scared.
Remus must be able to sense the shift in his mood, or the way his body language retreats in on himself as if to protect, or the way his laugh quiets and hasn’t returned. No matter what tips him off, he knows. “Sirius, love, it’s all okay. Let’s get to bed, yeah?”
Wordlessly, he follows. Climbing into the bed, Sirius is very disappointed to find that none of the pillows are there. So he pouts. Remus sees this, rolls his eyes, and leaves the room to return with the pillows that were left out in the living room. He throws them at Sirius, who when hit in the chest with them, dramatically falls back as if he were being shot.
“Do you smell that? Is something burning?” He sniffs the air, once the pillows stop hitting him.
Remus groans before leaving the room again, returning only a few moments later. “We forgot to turn the oven off. Your disastrous cookies could have been the reason the flat burned down, you know.”
“Is that so? If I recall you ate and enjoyed quite a few of those cookies, sweetheart. And hey, I don’t think leaving the oven on would’ve started a fire. Now who’s the dramatic one?”
“Still you.” He climbs into bed next to him and presses a soft kiss to his forehead.
They settle into each other easily, effortlessly, like this is the only place they fit, like they are puzzle pieces that complete each other. Even if other things are missing, at least he has Remus. He knows what Sirius is thinking before he even has time to think it, he knows what Sirius needs before he even needs it. It leaves him in awe that there is someone that can do that, that cares to do that, for him. It’s not some far away figment of his imagination, it’s real, it’s in front of him, it’s his.
“I love you,” he mumbles sleepily.
“I love you.” His arms tighten around his torso. “Hard day is over, tomorrow will be better.” Remus adds to comfort him.
He has a point, Sirius knows this. Today should have been like any other day, at least by now. Except it’s the same every year. A sense of dread and longing and regret and guilt bubble to the surface. He can’t help it.
“I miss you.” Sirius says to no one. Everyday. 2920 days, and not a day goes by that I don’t miss you little brother. Whether the rest is audible or not, he isn’t sure. Not that it matters, the person he wants to hear it never will.