Remus lay curled into Sirius's side on the couch. His arms were wrapped around his torso, and one of Sirius’s hands carded through his hair. He was half-asleep and perfectly happy.
Earlier that night they had been at James and Lily's place, at first for the Halloween party and then staying to clean up. They had banished Sirius to the living room with Harry while Remus, James, and Lily started planning for his birthday. He had pretended to complain, but it didn't fool any of them.
He saw light through his eyelids and opened them slightly. A small doe stood in their living room, and Remus was completely awake. Instead of Lily's voice, James's rang through the room.
"Lily! Take Harry and run! It's him!"
"Fuck," Sirius stood up. "Fuck, Re, he's got them! I have to go!"
Remus nodded and stood up. "Okay then, c'mon."
Sirius shook his head. "No. You're staying here."
"Sirius-"
Sirius grabbed Remus’s shoulders, looking into his eyes. What Remus saw there scared him. Fear, rage, and… something else glistened in them.
"Remus, if they- if something happened to them, it's my fault . I'll not have you gone too. I'm not risking you. I'm not ."
Remus was silent for a moment and then nodded. Sirius kissed him soundly. "Thank you," he said, turning around.
"Sirius?" Remus said. Sirius looked over his shoulder at him. "Come home. Check on James and Lily, and then come home. If- if you're not back in an hour I'm coming after you. In whatever way I can."
Sirius nodded. "I love you."
"I love you too. More than anything."
The door opened and closed, and Remus heard the motorbike start up. He immediately went to sit in front of the clock, already counting down the minutes.
11:42, it read.
He sat, imagining every possibility. Best case scenario, Voldemort sent the doe to lure Sirius out of the house in hopes of capturing him or Remus, and both of them were competent enough to fight there way out of that. It could've been authentic, but they may have been able to escape, hurt, but alive. Or they could've… in which case Voldemort was surely gone, right? Yes, he would be gone. Remus couldn't bring himself to think of the absolute worst-case scenario, the one that ended in the complete loss of, well, everything.
12:05.
Twenty minutes; Sirius should be there by now. Remus started chewing his lip, wishing violently he had refused to stay here. Time seemed to mock him, creeping by with malice. Each minute encompassed a year, each time the second hand on the clock moved it threatened to stop.
12:20.
Only twenty more minutes, just twenty before he could do something, one way or the other.
12:32.
He was beginning to get antsy, no longer sitting down but pacing, his eyes never leaving the clock. The door opened slowly, and then closed. Sirius walked in. The urge to run into his arms almost overtook him, but he managed to get out the safety question first.
"Where did you kiss me for the first time?"
"The astronomy tower," he said, his voice empty. Remus rushed to him, not waiting for the answering question, hugged him hard. Only then did Remus realize he was shaking, and he looked up at his face. Tears streamed from his eyes, which had squeezed shut.
"They- Lily and James, they-" he opened his eyes, looking pleadingly at Remus. "They're gone. Harry's okay, but Hagrid took him- Dumbledore-" Remus felt tears falling from his own eyes.
"How? How did he find them?"
"Remus I have to find him." Sirius didn't seem to hear his question. "I have to find him, it's his fault. It's my fault but he fucking did it, he told the fucker- he killed them." Sirius's eyes, which had been darting here and there, found Remus’s again. "I love you. I'll come back, I promise. I'll come back but I have to go. And you can't- I’ve got to find the fucking rat. I'm sorry." Before he could say anything, Sirius kissed him brutally and he heard a broken whisper:
"Stupify."
And the world went dark.
When Remus came back to consciousness, the flat was still, silent. He was laying on the couch, the lights on, a letter sitting on the coffee table. He picked it up, unfolded it, and began to read.
Remus,
I am so sorry- I had to, and I love you. I know you don't understand, and I love you. Lily and James were going to make me secretkeeper, but switched to Peter at the last moment, and I love you. Dumbledore suggested it because he said Voldemort would never think they would trust Peter with that, and I love you. But apparently, he was wrong, so I have to go after him, and I love you. I'm not entirely sure how long it will take me to find him but don't come after me, and I love you. I swear it won't be longer than a month- I'll be here for your next moon, I promise, and I love you. Dumbledore took Harry to the Dursleys, go get him for us? and I love you. Lay low, stay safe, and I love you. I will come home, please don't do anything rash, and I love you.
Sirius
P.s., I will think of you every night I am gone, and I love you. Again, get Harry, and I love you.
Remus re-read the letter; Sirius's normally elegant script was shaky and deformed. Now that he thought about it, it made sense. Peter's disappearances, his increased nervousness, all of it. His first instinct was to completely ignore Sirius's wishes and follow him- but to where? How did Sirius plan to find Peter, especially when he could be one of millions of people, or billions of rats? The clock read 2:02 a.m.; he had been out for just over two hours.
"Fuck. Okay, what do I do? What do I do.."
Dumbledore. Go see Dumbledore, he'll know what to do. Remus nodded to himself, putting the letter in his pocket and grabbing his wand. Focusing on Hogsmeade, he spun. Then he was sucked into the tube that was apparition for a split second, and then appeared next to the Three Broomsticks. A surge of memories seared through his mind, memories of sneaking around the village late at night, of James and Sirius buying so much zonkos they had to make trips back to the castle, of Sirius flirting shamelessly with Madam Rosmerta and stringing together dramatic monologue of how his love was completely unrequited (because, of course, Rosemerta was completely taken with Minnie), of James singing on the top of the tables. They burned their way through his skull like so many fire ants, threatening to overtake him. He ran, letting a few more tears spill from his eyes before forcing himself to stop. He ran all the way up to the front doors of the castle, clenching his jaws shut and trying to pull it open. They were locked (no surprise there). But Remus was a Marauder, and had been since he was eleven. He ran around the back, eventually sneaking in through one of the secret passages. From there he made it to Dumbledore's office and met the gargoyle. He might have posed a problem to someone else, but again, knowledge from his school years came in handy.
"Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew?" He sang quietly.
"Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two?" The gargoyle sang back.
"The candyman," He replied, and the gargoyle let him pass. He walked up the stairs to the door and knocked.
"Come in." The voice behind the door sounded tired, not just physically but mentally as well. Remus walked in, Dumbledore's face morphing through surprise and sorrow as he saw him.
"Remus, dear boy. Sit, will you? Dreadful night, tonight. How are you holding up?"
Remus didn't sit, instead standing restlessly behind the chair.
"I'm doing as well as I can in such a situation. It's Sirius I came here about though sir, I can't find him. Earlier tonight-" Dumbledore would never hear what had happened earlier that night though, because at that moment his door burst open and Cornelius Fudge strode in. Remus quickly moved out of his way, standing towards the wall.
"Hear the news Dumbledore? Thirteen dead! And muggles, too! In plain sight! Only just arrested the madman! My men are working themselves silly to obliviate them!" Fudge was pacing all the while, throwing his hands this way and that, almost tripping over his words.
"Cornelius, please do explain yourself. You can not possibly walk in while I am in the middle of a meeting with someone, blither and blather about and expect me to understand you." Fudge looked around, saw Remus, and gave him a small, distracted nod.
"The attack Dumbledore! Peter Pettigrew, must've been here not but a few years ago-"
Remus whipped his head up at the words, his thoughts going to Sirius. If Peter had so much as hexes him-
"Obliterated! Blown up! A finger! That's all we could find of him!"
"By who, Cornelius?"
"Sirius Black, of course! Who else? After what he did to the Potters, it'd be a small thing!"
Remus slid down the wall, cold dread creeping into his stomach like long-dead fingers. He heard Dumbledore pause and then ask:
"When's the trial then?"
"Trial? The lunatic blew up half a street, he hardly needs a trial! He'll be halfway to Azkaban by now!"
Remus slid down the wall, not hearing or caring about anything else being said.
He'll be halfway to Azkaban by now!
He took his head in his hands and squeezed his eyes shut, willing this to be a nightmare, to wake up in Sirius’s arms on the couch. But of course he didn't. Those arms were miles away, being dragged to Azkaban.
And there was nothing he could do about it. No trial, no warning, nothing.
...
"Are you sure we'll get away with this?" Remus asked nervously. It was the night before the first full moon that the rest of the marauders would be attending.
"Of course we will Moony, what could go wrong?" James had said.
"You're not going to attack us, and we'll keep you out of trouble. We've got this." Sirius had kissed the top of his head and laughed at his nerves.
"Yeah, well if you do kill somebody, keep me out of it," Peter joked. "I'll cut off a finger, 'bombarda' the ground I'm standing on, and transform. Live as a rat."
And they had all laughed, all joked and reassured. All loved the boy who stood there and made a joke that really wasn't really a joke.
...
Peter.
He did this to us.
He'll be halfway to Azkaban by now.
"You've got the wrong man, Mr. Fudge," Remus said desperately, looking up at him. Fudge looked over, seemed to see him for the first time, and looked at him with incredulous eyes.
"What was that?"
"Sir, you have to believe me! Sirius Black hasn't killed anyone, I promise. It was Peter Pettigrew- they- them and James and Lily- he did it- I swear he did! I know he did.”
“Why that’s impossible! Didn’t you hear me, boy? The Pettigrew boy is dead! By Black’s hand. A whole street full of muggle witnesses! They all heard Pettigrew yelling at Black, asking how he could have done such a thing to his friends, to Lily and James.. and Black blew him up. Him and the rest of the street. Merlin, the poor boy-“
“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” Remus snarled. “Sirius Black would never betray James like that, and he never did! And I will not hear you call that two-timing murderer any words of sympathy!” Something primal had taken over in his mind, something fiercely protective and nothing else, something that somehow made him forget he was speaking to the minister of magic. Remus saw the minister’s eyes flash and his mouth open before Dumbledore intervened.
“Cornelius, please pardon Remus. He was quite close to the Potters and Mr. Black, and I’m sure this is all coming as a bit of a shock to him.”
Remus opened his mouth to argue, but a look from the headmaster silenced him. However, he held on to his anger. He held onto it with everything he had, because after the anger and hatred were gone Remus wasn’t sure what would be left. Mr. Fudge shook his head as if to clear it, fingered his robes, and muttered “yes, yes quite..”
“Now,” Dumbledore continued, “you should get back to the ministry. They’ll be needing you there in these trying times, I’m sure.”
“Yes,” Fudge repeated, still looking rather put out. “Right you are Dumbledore, right you are.. Lupin,” he nodded. Remus ignored him as he exited the office.
“Dumbledore-”
“I know, Remus.” The Headmaster cut him off. “I’m afraid there's nothing we can do about it now.”
Remus, flabbergasted, stared at him. “ Nothing we can do ? What the hell do you mean ' nothing we can do'? We could prove it! We could show them that- that..” he trailed off, not quite sure what they could show them. “We could at least get him a trial. He's innocent God damn it! He shouldn’t be within a thousand miles of that place.” Tears burned tracks down his face, but he barely noticed them.
“I’m not quite sure I have enough hold over Cornelius to make that happen. And even if I did, what would that trial do? Even if Sirius was to show them that he was an illegal animagus, which would get him in more trouble, by the way, that wouldn’t prove Peter was. Especially considering he is less gifted. In fact, I’m sure might only convince the world further that he was guilty.”
Remus pushed away his shock that Dumbledore knew about their animaguses, and shook his head violently. “You’re lying. You could make the minister resign if you tried, you make a trial happen and you know it. But you won’t. You won’t,” he paused. “I’m very glad the war is over Professor. I’m quite sure I never want to see your face again.” Wiping his face, he turned around to leave him with the accusations, avoiding thinking about the man’s face.
“Mr. Lupin-” Remus slammed the ornate door behind him.
He didn’t get very far, though, before the anger subsided. Now sobbing, he collapsed onto the couch in his flat and let himself break down completely. James and Lily were dead, Peter was a traitor, Harry was off with the snide, entitled Dursleys, and Sirius… Sirius was in Azkaban. Painful waves shook him, and it was a long time before they stopped. By the time he had gathered his bearings, the pain was a sharp throb deep within him, surrounded by nothingness.