Remus is in class with a bunch of first years looking at the clock as if this were High School Musical 2 and the clock hitting 2pm meant the beginning of the summer. It’s literally December, by the way. That's why he decided to let them do whatever they wanted, so he is now subject to a karaoke day. His students even make him sing a verse of Last Christmas. He is regretting every decision he’s made in his life that has brought him to this very classroom to this day. Remus gets a text from Lily the moment his students leave and wish him a good break. He checks his phone after erasing the whiteboard and turning off the projector.
Lily
remus love
james and i have decided that we want to host new year’s eve
are you going to be able to come? it’s been ages since the last time we saw each other
I MISS YOU!!!!
harry and james miss you too
Remus
lily if you say that harry misses me i’ll be there in the blink of an eye
im going to wales for christmas but i was planning to go back to leeds the 27th to start marking some essays
do you hate me…
Lily
REMUS WHAT DO YOU MEAN “MARKING ESSAYS” WTF
IS THAT YOUR PLAN FOR *NEW YEAR’S EVE*???
Remus
I DONT KNOW??
i didn’t think of going to london tbh
i thought you guys might have wanted to go to manchester to spend it with james’ parents
Lily
oh yeah we are heading there the 23rd
but effie and monty have plans for new year’s eve with their friends and some acquaintances and we thought it would be better for harry to come back home earlier
Remus
who’s coming?
Lily
just our friends :)
marlene, dorcas, mary, pete and sirius
mary is bringing emmeline too!! and of course pete is gonna bring his wife and their little baby boy
and i think sirius wants to bring regulus and andromeda as well
andi is far too pregnant to travel so ted is going with dora to his parents’ house in scotland
Remus
oh okay i see i see
so sirius is coming
i thought he was well adjusted to paris already and he wouldn’t want to go to london
you know, considering the amount of parisian friends he apparently has
if we take into account his instagram stories
Lily
what the fuck was that remus
do you hate sirius all of a sudden?????
Remus
it’s his fault
Lily
how is it his fault
Remus
BECAUSE
we were all friends and he fucked off to france
and i only see him at weddings and some birthdays
and i KNOW he talks to james and pete
but he never thinks of me
Lily
you left too, love
you live in leeds
i just think that maybe you two should talk
please just come
Remus
i’ll go
but don’t expect anything, alright?
i don’t remember how to talk to him
Lily
you will, im sure
tell hope i miss her and that we will bring harry to swansea when he is a bit older xx
Remus
i will xx
Remus stops at the canteen to buy a croissant and a takeaway coffee to drink while going to his flat, wrapping himself in a big scarf. He has to pack all his stuff to go to Wales tomorrow morning so he gets there in the evening. His old cat, Teacup, is coming with him too. He needs to remember to ask Lily if he can bring the cat to her house, otherwise he will have to think of someone who could keep her while he is away.
He slumps on his bed and looks at the ceiling. Sirius Bloody Black, that’s all he can think about. Those blue eyes that he used to get lost and wonder. Remus always wondered. There used to be something about Sirius, something that Remus can’t quite recall right now. But it made his heart beat faster. Stupid boy with his stupid hair and his stupid way of making Remus feel loved, even if they never did anything. Sirius would draw him and he even claimed that Remus was his favourite subject to paint on a canvas.
“Just you, Moony. You could be considered my muse.” Sirius told him once.
Remus sighs and unlocks his phone, searching for Sirius’ Instagram account.
“You beautiful bastard, why did you have to go?” He whispers to his empty room, lost somewhere in Leeds, while Sirius is lost, somewhere in Paris.
James
hey mate xx
Sirius
hi xxxx
James
has my beautiful wife called you???
gosh i still cant believe that she is my wife xx
do you think we can get married again?? xxx
Sirius
can you stop being so in love EW
no need to remind me of how single i am
but yes, she did
i’ll go to london!! also regulus and andi would like to come, since ted and dora are not gonna be here
James
oh yes!! we were already counting on them xx
remus is staying with us btw xxxx
Sirius
…what
of course he is coming, we are all going so it makes sense he is there too
James
you two need to stop acting like fucking idiots
Sirius
dont fucking swear you are a father now
also there’s nothing to talk about we just drifted apart okay?
James
sirius
you used to love him
you told me so
Sirius
and i don’t want to talk about that ever again
James
you’ve always been so afraid of him
what does remus have that scares you so much?
Sirius
he was everything i wanted
i could never stop painting him
and even if he wasn’t on the picture, it was still him
i was consumed by remus
James
sirius
Sirius
it’s dumb, i know
James
no, it’s beautiful mate
but my point stands
you need to talk to him
and i think now it’s the perfect time
Sirius
i’ll try
James
and that’s good enough for me xx
Sirius takes a drag from his cigarette, letting the smoke fill his lungs. He knows he has to talk to Remus and he knows that he has half of the blame. He’s been regretting everything since the moment he set foot in Paris without telling Remus how in love he was with him, without letting Remus know all the love he made Sirius feel. Heartbreak without romance. Sirius looks at his suitcase and calls Marlene. She always knows how to cheer him up and she will help him decide which clothes to bring to London.
“Okay, boys, we have to go now. I’ll wait for you in the car.” Andromeda lets them know as she puts on her coat and picks up her purse. She takes the car keys and heads to the car.
Sirius goes to the bathroom and closes the door. He lets the water run in the sink.
“Sirius.” Regulus calls, “close the fucking tap, this is not your house.”
Sirius closes it but doesn’t say anything. He is sitting down on the bathroom floor, the tiles are cold and grounding.
“I’m going to open the door, so get out of the way. I wouldn’t like to bruise you before going to the party.” Regulus says and immediately opens the door.
“Thank God Andi doesn’t have a latch.” Regulus looks down at this big brother.
Sirius looks up and says, “yeah, thank God.”
Regulus sits down next to Sirius and wraps his arms around his knees.
“Are you going to tell me what’s happening?” Regulus says quietly, he doesn’t want to disturb Sirius more than necessary. His brother is visibly struggling.
“It’s Remus.” Sirius admits after a while.
“Has he done anything?”
“Oh, no. I just don’t want to see him.”
“And why is that?”
“Because I’ll fall in love all over again. Though I don’t think I’ve ever fallen out of love, really. It’s always been him, for as long as I can remember.”
Regulus looks at him and asks, “can I hug you now? You always do that when I’m upset.”
Sirius nods and lets himself be engulfed by Regulus’ arms.
“We are going to get into the car and go to your best friend’s house to celebrate the beginning of the year, okay? And you’ll see your friends and your godson. Do it for him, yeah? Do it for me and for Andi. I tolerate Remus, so it isn’t that hard to be around him if I say that he is tolerable. Trust me.”
“Fucking Christ, Reg. This is the first time you’ve talked this much to me. I’m proud.”
“Fuck off. Let’s go to the car, Andi must be wondering what the fuck we are doing that is taking so long.” He gets up and gets out of the bathroom.
Sirius washes his face and taps his face with the towel. He looks at the reflection in the mirror and takes a deep breath. Okay, he can go now.
When he gets to the car, Andromeda’s face turns from angry mother to worried sister.
She is everything to these boys. Mother, sister, cousin, friend.
“Alright?” She simply asks.
“Yeah, I’m fine now. Let’s go.”
Andromeda motions him to get closer and she kisses his forehead. Sirius rides shotgun.
When they get to James and Lily’s house, Sirius is the first one to get out of the car, but Andromeda wants to talk to Regulus. He is sitting behind her and she looks at him through the rearview mirror.
“I know Sirius had a whole moment at my house before because of Remus, but how are you doing?”
“Andi, if you are asking me about James I’m going to scream.”
“He was your first love, Reg. That’s hard to forget, isn’t it?”
“I mean, he was- he really was important to me. I felt special. But it ended and he is married with a kid now. It’s true that it is still awkward between us but I couldn’t be happier for him. He has his life and I have mine. I’ll find someone too.”
“When did you get so mature? Bloody hell, Reggie.” She takes his hand.
“It’s what growing up does to you, I guess. But I’m fine, truly. Unlike Sirius, I have talked to James quite a few times and everything is settled.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” And they both get out of the car when they see Lily outside the house waving at them.
Meanwhile, Remus is at a bookshop. He panicked before Sirius arrived and told Lily he needed to go for a walk. And now he is in Waterstones having one of their expensive coffees and he’s bought three books.
He sees that Mary’s been calling him but he really doesn’t want to talk to anyone, not right now. But he does see the text she sends him saying that Sirius is already there with Andromeda and Regulus. He finishes his coffee and gets going.
Remus is walking quite fast so he doesn’t get there late, but he stops in his tracks when he notices a piece of jewellery that catches his attention. An earring that has a constellation surrounding the ear with a chain. And a ring with a moon. He gets inside the shop and buys both things, asking to wrap up both items.
When he gets to Lily and James’ house, he is faced with Regulus’ face.
“Oh, hi. It’s been so long, Regulus. How have you been?” He asks quickly.
“I’ve been fine. Nothing dramatic has happened in quite some time so I’m thankful for the tranquillity.”
“That’s great, I’m happy for you.” He smiles and sees Regulus moving to help Lily with something, so he makes his way past the threshold and goes directly to the guest room to leave his plastic bags there. He is startled when someone comes out of the guest bathroom.
“Remus.” Sirius says in a quick breath and Remus turns his head to see him.
“Sirius, you are here already?”
“Yeah, we came like 30 minutes ago. You weren’t here.”
“I just had to run to the shops for a sec to grab something I’d forgotten.”
“Okay.” Sirius puts his hair in a low messy ponytail. He is nervous and Remus notices. When they were younger Sirius hated doing things to his hair and whenever he put it up, it meant that he was anxious and didn’t know what to do with himself.
“It’s good to see you, Sirius.” Remus tells him.
“You too.” And he leaves the room.
“Goddamn.” Remus mutters.
Remus hears James shouting at everyone to come and gather in the living room. He sees that they are all there already surrounding Peter and his baby.
“Pete how did you and Isabel make such a cute fucken baby he is the cutest little thing ever oh my God.” Emmeline approaches his index finger to the baby and he gets a hold of it, “Mary, I want a baby.” She looks at her girlfriend and pouts.
“Em, I’ll have all your babies but not right now. You are so silly, did you know that?” Mary rounds Emmeline’s waist with her arms and puts her chin on her shoulder so she can look at the baby too. Emmeline turns her face slightly to the left and gives her a kiss on the cheek.
Peter laughs and takes the baby from his wife’s arms, “Love, I’ll have him for a bit, okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll go to the loo.” She replies.
“It feels like you can’t put them down when they are born, right? I did the same with Harry, I just wanted to keep him in my arms because I felt he was safest there. James had to fight me to take him off me.” Lily adds and she laughs, caressing James’ face.
“Oh, totally. And that happens to Pete too, it’s not just me!” Isabel says while she heads to the bathroom.
“Yeah, we are both overprotective of Oliver. First time parents and all that.”
“Tell me about it, Wormy.” James gives him a beer.
Sirius is playing with Harry while Andromeda, Regulus and Dorcas are helping Lily with dinner. Remus feels warm and content. He’s missed this so much. He gets up and puts a vinyl on the record player. One can never go wrong with The Velvet Underground. He puts the volume down, so that it is just a hum in the distance, so as not to disturb the kids and the general ambience.
Sirius looks at him and gives him a smile. Remus smiles back.
“Okay everyone, time to eat!” Dorcas announces and Regulus sprints to sit next to her.
“Sirius, your baby brother wants to steal my girlfriend. Do something.” Marlene says, looking at Regulus and giving him the finger. She laughs.
“I only tolerate Dorcas.” Regulus adds, simply.
Marlene sighs, “Alright, it’s fine.” She sits between Mary and Lily.
“Oh, and as you know, we are gonna be exchanging some gifts later, probably before the countdown.” James says as he is helping Harry sit down in his high chair.
They all eat the food Lily and the others made with so much care and love. They are all full and happy, there’s nothing like sharing a meal with those you love.
“James, love, can you go to the kitchen to fetch the kheer and the sawiyaan? I really hope I said the names right.” She looks at her husband and she sees him grinning.
“I love you so much, did you know that? Did I tell you today?”
“Not enough.” James kisses her temple and he goes to the kitchen to bring the desserts.
When the dessert plates are completely finished, it’s the time for presents.
“So, Lily. I know you are having a bit of a Dolly Parton era, so this is my present for you.” Mary says and gives her the package.
“Oh my God, you got me the Jolene vinyl!” Lily goes to the record player and puts her new vinyl, but she didn’t put it right at the beginning so Jolene doesn’t play, but When Someone Wants to Leave is the first to sound instead.
When you love somebody with all your heart and soul
And you want to keep them with you, but you know they want to go
What do you do, what do you say
When you know they want to leave
As bad as you want them to stay
Remus almost chokes with his wine when he hears those lyrics. So Dolly Parton wrote a song in 1974 that resonates with him, okay, cool.
You know how much I love you
But I know you don't love me
And I know it's just a matter of time before you leave
But I do, I stand aside and just let you walk away
But I know you want to leave
As bad as I want you to stay
Sirius has never wanted a song to finish the bad in his life. He excuses himself and goes to the bathroom in the guest room. He closes the bedroom door and the bathroom door. Maybe going to the bathroom twice in a day to freak out on his own is his new record. It’s 10:15 pm so he has time to tell everyone that he was tired from the trip and he needed a little nap before midnight. He hears footsteps getting closer and closer and he wonders who’s decided to come to this fucking bathroom now that he is here.
“Can I come in?” He hears Remus’ voice on the other side of the door.
“I’m pooping.”
“No, you are not. You listened to that song and you left.”
“Why do you care, Remus?”
“Because I felt it too, Sirius. Let me in, please.”
Sirius comes out and sits on the bed.
“I have already had a breakdown today in a bathroom, I don’t need another one.” He tells Remus.
“Understandable, yeah.”
“So, what do you want?”
“I think we owe each other a conversation.” Remus leans on the wall, facing Sirius.
“About what?”
“Us.”
“There’s never been an “us”, Remus.” Sirius utters, tiredly.
“And I think that’s the problem entirely.” He admits, looking at Sirius’ eyes.
“I- I don’t know what you mean.”
“I was in love with you. And you left.”
“Remus, you can’t say that now.”
“Why?”
“Because I was in love with you, you wanker! And you left too! Oh God Remus I loved you so much that leaving was probably the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life.”
“Then why did you do it?”
“We never- we never did anything. I thought you didn’t love me like that. So I figured that nothing was holding me back and you know that my uncle had this studio in Paris and that was a great opportunity for me. Job-wise and I wanted to try and open myself to love, you know? Because I had spent my whole life waiting for you and nothing happened.” Sirius puts his elbows on his knees and covers his face.
“Sirius.” Remus says desperately and kneels in front of him, resting his hand on the other’s knees.
Sirius looks at him and takes his hands.
“Sirius, listen, I never did anything because I thought you deserved more. More than anything I had to offer.”
“Oh Remus, that’s bullshit. You are practically perfect.”
Remus shakes his head and laughs lightly.
“I’m far from perfect, but so are you. I just think that we were so young and we didn’t understand how romantic love was supposed to be felt, right? We thought we were best friends and maybe we were confusing that affection.”
“Remus, are you trying to tell me that we could have had a chance?”
“Yeah, basically.”
They stay quiet for a while, just holding each other’s hands, hearing the noise from the living room vibrating through the walls.
“Remus.” Sirius calls him.
Remus puts his head on Sirius’ knees.
“Remus, listen to me.”
“I’m listening.”
“I don’t want us to be a missed opportunity. I fucking refuse.” Sirius leans his head on Remus’, but the latter looks up at him.
“Sirius.”
“If you want to have me, I’m yours. I don’t think I’ve ever stopped loving you.”
“But you live in Paris.”
“Fuck Paris, Remus! I’ll move to Leeds, I don’t fucking care. Just have me, Moony.”
Remus surges forward and kisses Sirius with such force that he falls on the bed, with Remus on top of him.
Remus looks at Sirius and says, “okay, I surrender. Let’s give it a go, yeah?” And he kisses Sirius again, because now he can do it and he is going to enjoy every second of it.
He keeps on kissing Sirius’ lips, but slowly moves out to his jaw, his neck and his collarbone. Sirius is making some delightful noises that are making Remus crazy. Sirius strokes his hair and grabs his head to kiss him again.
“Maybe we should go back to the party.” He whispers in Remus’ ear.
Remus’ head rests on Sirius’ shoulder and nuzzles his neck, “I hate it when you are right.” He leaves a kiss there and gets up. He offers Sirius his hand and he takes it eagerly.
“How do I look?” Sirius asks.
“You look very much dishevelled, love.”
“Oh, say that again.”
“What? Love?”
“Yeah, it sounds very nice when you say it.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, my love.”
“Remus, I’m going to enjoy this so much, you have no idea.” He gives Remus a peck and opens the door, getting out of the room. Remus takes his cane and follows him and they get to the living room. Regulus is playing piano and he has Harry sitting on his lap.
“What took you guys so long?” Marlene asks.
“We talked. I think we both needed that.” Sirius smiles, moving his gaze towards Remus.
“Fucking finally.” Peter says from his seat, cradling his baby in his arms.
“Don’t fucking swear.” Isabel tells him off.
“Oi! Not my own wife! And you fucking swore too.” Peter barks a laugh and Isabel gives him a kiss on his cheek.
“Have you all done your secret Santa presents?” Sirius asks, looking at the place where the presents pile used to be.
“Well, you both took your time so we figured it wasn’t a problem to carry on.” Mary tells him, sitting on the sofa with Emmeline on her side, resting his head on Mary’s chest.
Remus takes the bag with the present he bought before and gives it to Sirius. Of course, he had gotten Sirius for the secret Santa. It was fated.
“I got you. Hope you like it.” Remus gives him a shy smile and waits for Sirius to open the present.
Sirius unwraps it, gives it a look and immediately hugs Remus.
“You bastard. You really know how to compensate for all these years, eh?” He leaves a quick kiss on Remus’ neck.
“I just know you so well. Go on, put them on.”
Sirius places the earring carefully on his left ear and the ring on his right hand.
“Do they suit me?”
“You look beautiful.”
Regulus coughs, “I can’t believe these two, I swear to God.”
And everyone in the room burst out laughing because Regulus is very much right.
After midnight, Sirius decides to stay, letting Andromeda and Regulus know that he’ll be there tomorrow to have lunch with them. Peter and Isabel leave first because Oliver needs to go to bed, but the rest stay to help Lily and James clean up.
“Lily is putting Harry in bed, so I’m going to see them now. You two can do whatever you want, feel right at home. Goodnight, guys.” James tells them and goes up the stairs.
“Fancy a cuppa?” Remus asks.
“Yeah, please. Do you remember how I like it?”
“How could I forget?” Remus laughs and goes to the kitchen to pour two cups with tea.
He sits next to Sirius and hands him his cup.
“I think maybe we should talk.” Remus says eventually.
Sirius nods and he takes a sip.
“I just don’t want us to rush into things. Do you think that because we came back here, we might’ve just fallen back to our old ways? I don’t know, I just don’t want the holiday bliss to end and then you realise you don’t like me this way.”
“Remus, I haven’t stopped loving you, not even for a day. I’m scared shitless, trust me. It feels like this is too good to be true, but it is true, love.” Sirius takes Remus’ hand.
“Maybe it’s just me being scared because it’s something new.”
“It’s scary, yeah. But we’ll figure it out.”
Remus takes Sirius’ face in his hand and looks at him.
“Don’t leave me again, I won't be able to survive it. I barely did the first time.”
“Remus, you are stuck with me.” And he kisses Remus, much more gentle than before. A kiss that means everything. We’ll be okay, we’ll fight for this.
Remus looks at Sirius and whispers, “so beautiful, love.” He gives him a peck on his mouth.
“Let’s go to bed, sweetheart.”