Jennifer first noticed the signs on a monday, Emily came in late carrying coffee and pastries for the whole team- it wasn’t wholly suspicious but it wasn’t something the brunette had done before. when Penelope asked what the occasion was Emily smiled vacantly and stated that she just wanted to treat her friends, and sarcastically asked if that’s a problem. nobody else seemed to notice it, but there was something different about Emily after this weekend.
on the jet on tuesday, Emily seemed to be more reserved as the team theorised about their latest case- she nodded quietly as the others contributed and JJ noticed she was biting her nails again. when she got up to make a coffee she made sure to slip back into the vacant seat by Emily and she leaned in, “you okay Em?”
the question didn’t take Emily by surprise, JJ was always the first to notice something is bothering her- especially since Paris, but she’d hoped the blonde wouldn’t catch on so fast. over the weekend, Emily had had a particularly distressing call with her mother where Emily’s frustrations finally spilled about her not coming to her own daughter’s funeral.
“i was busy with work, dear” Elizabeth had said, sighing as if her daughter’s emotions are too much to deal with. conversations with her mother always made Emily feel like she was a little girl again, hoping and praying that her mother would notice her one day- that she’d put her own blood before work for once, but she never did. 38 years and her mother never once put her daughter at the forefront of her life.
but Emily couldn’t tell JJ about the fight, she couldn’t tell JJ how she was losing her mind in the humid DC summer air- drowning in her old life, she couldn’t tell JJ how the water rises more and more every day and how she’d decided to give up swimming. so she just plastered on a smirk and turned her charm on- “i’m good Jaybird, what makes you ask?” she replied, staring down at JJ.
the nickname may of made her blush, but Emily could never fool JJ, the charm and the daring look in her eyes didn’t mask the pain she could see too- JJ was there for Emily’s first week in Paris, she saw Emily sob into her duvet after nightmares, she saw Emily staring in the mirror at where Doyle had branded her, she felt the way she trembled as they hugged goodbye. she hadn’t been the same since she came back and JJ couldn’t blame her, but something else has shifted now and she’s determined to find out what.
—
their case moves quickly, JJ finds herself running down the streets of NYC after Emily sprinted after the unsub alone with no warning- gunshots rang out and JJ’s pace picked up, stumbling into the alleyway she saw the unsub and Emily both on the ground. she didn’t care about how hard her knees hit the ground beside Emily as she placed her hand on her leg, now gushing blood. she called in for medics to come quickly and looked over Emily’s body again, 3 bullets, one in the leg, one in her shoulder and one in her vest. but something else was off, her vest was partially unstrapped as if someone had been taking it off, but the unsub wasn’t close enough to do it and Emily would never let that happen, would she?
before she could further question it she felt a sharp pain in the back of her head as the unsub hit her, she fell forward onto Emily which caused the brunette to grunt but JJ was already fading out of consciousness as they heard another gunshot, shouting and sirens.
Morgan and Reid came running after hearing JJ panicked on the radio and found their coworkers crumpled on the ground with the unsub hanging over them, gun in hand- in a split second there was a bullet in the unsub’s head and he fell down too.
—
shame was all Emily felt as she saw Penelope, Reid and Derek staring down at her with tears and worry in their eyes- she felt ashamed because she didn’t want to be here to see this part, truthfully- before the unsub could even start to shoot she had began to fiddle with her bulletproof vest, not feeling like being bulletproof today. 'a shot to the heart would be an easy way to do this’, she thought.
but the unsub was too antsy to notice and he shot her in the vest before she could remove it. she stumbled into the wall behind her and took another shot to the shoulder and leant there for a second, about to drop to the floor and let herself take more shots but it occurred to her that JJ would be there soon, if Emily was dead she couldn’t protect her. so she pushed herself forward and drew her own gun “put down the gun” she said through gritted teeth.
but he wasn’t going to put it down and she recognised it, instinctively shooting him as he shot her in the leg, causing them to fall in unison. when JJ arrived she tried to warn her the unsub was back on his feet, but her mouth wouldn’t move- the only noise she managed was one of pain when JJ fell onto her shot shoulder.
and now her mind raced, she couldn’t even pay attention to Penelope’s ranting about how worried they were or Reid’s questions of how she was feeling. all she could think about was JJ getting hurt because of her, ‘this isn’t how it was supposed to happen’. she had been reckless with her own life and it could of costed JJ’s too. “JJ.” she started, stopping her friend’s rant with her hoarse voice. “is JJ okay?”
this was the first thing she’d said since she woke up ten minutes ago, the trio by her bed stopped for a second as if caught off guard- but they then reassured her JJ is fine. concussed and stitched up but fine. it was then Emily decided she needs to pull away from JJ, the rest of the team too. she can’t let them get hurt in the crossfire of her plan to leave them.
—
Emily isn’t ignorant to how emotionally involved the team are with each other, it’s going to tear them apart to lose her- she saw it once, but the weight of her past lingers around her every day. every day she has to see the scars of what Doyle did to her when she gets dressed, she has to remember the solitary hotel room she spend months in in Paris when she wakes from a nightmare all alone. some days when she sits at her desk she feels the tension she felt after learning Doyle was out and looking for her, even in his death she can’t escape the feeling that she’s in trouble. not to mention the fact she can’t even look at her coworkers without hating herself for the pain she put them through.
she doesn’t want to see them torn apart again, but the crushing pain and self-hatred overwhelms her senses every time they show her concern or care, ‘i don’t deserve’ this has become a mantra in her head, ‘they’ll get over me. they’ll be happier without me.’
the cogs in her mind are spinning fast as Rossi cuts her “welcome back” cake, none of them are dumb- they can all see that she’s spiralling now. her 2 weeks off had been tense for the whole team, they had all made the effort to visit Emily’s apartment a few times, bringing her meals, sweet treats and company- but JJ was there more than anyone, partially because she was given a week off then a light work while she recovered. but also because she couldn’t stop thinking about how Emily’s bulletproof vest was unstrapped. she knew in her heart that she had to do her best to make sure her friend wasn’t alone often, scared of what might happen if she didn’t have company.
when JJ’s big sister Roslyn took her own life, she didn’t recognise the signs because she was too young- but she had spent years and years thinking of them since and wishing she could travel back to tell the younger version of herself to do something. the signs she saw in Ros all those years ago are burnt into her brain, every time someone in her life starts to retreat after something hard it catches her off guard, she always begins to worry history will repeat itself but soon realises they just need time and space.
but the fear hasn’t gone away with Emily yet, by the time the she returns to work she is more withdrawn and distracted than ever- everyone’s noticed. “i knew she needed longer away from work. i’m going to speak to Hotch.” Penelope said as they watched her from across the bullpen, but JJ stopped her.
“i don’t think being at home alone is going to do her any good Pen. i think she’s really struggling, she needs company”
“yeah but JJ you know she’s not in the headspace to focus right now, we can’t let her go out into the field like that. she’s not okay.” Derek interjected.
“then we tell Hotch to keep her off the field?” she said quickly, her words sounding harsher than she meant, she closes her eyes and carries on, “i just, i don’t think she should be alone so much. we just need to keep an eye on her”
Derek and Penelope don’t question the urgency in JJ’s voice, they write it off as JJ just being protective of Emily- they’d seen it time and time again, the women are fiercely protective of the other. “okay. so we watch her, we tell Hotch to make her stay with Garcia. but Jayje if she gets worse she’s gotta go home.” Derek replies assertively, also feeling protective of his friend as he walks off.
all week Emily has felt eyes on her, she knows her friends are worried about her so she isn’t surprised when Hotch tells her she’s not allowed on the field yet. in the hospital he’d questioned her why she had ran away from Jennifer to the unsub, as she usually knows better than to separate from her field partner- but Emily had no good answer to give, she knew it, so she just shrugged.
she didn’t even argue about staying in Quantico like she usually would of, instead she felt relieved that she can avoid the worried stares of her friends that have been driving her more insane than she was already feeling. but she didn’t anticipate that Garcia would demand she stay in her bat cave the whole time, she couldn’t say no to the ray of sunshine that is Penelope Garcia but she also didn’t want this to get in the way of her plan.
“so, my stoic princess. how are you coping with being back?” Penelope asks sweetly, Emily was grateful she wasn’t asking how she’s doing on a more general scope.
“well i’ve only been back a couple days but it’s fine, i just want to get back into it you know? i go crazy sitting at home when you guys are working on cases” Emily answered honestly.
“i know. i’m surprised you survived hiding in Paris for 7 months” Garcia chuckled, but she saw something flash behind Emily’s eyes, “sorry, should of known thats a sore topic still”
“no no, don’t worry” Emily sighed, “everyone still tiptoes around it… it is a sore topic but i’m getting a little tired of all the sympathy” - the sympathy only makes her feel worse for what she’s going to do.
Garcia looks at her sympathetically, then realises what she just did and they can’t help but burst into laughter- interrupted soon by Garcia’s phone, the atmosphere turns sour as they hear the first body has been found, Hotch and JJ are at the scene and ask for Penelope to do a search in her databases.
“Prentiss with you?” Hotch calls.
“right here Hotch.”
“good, we’ve sent you some files. please have a look at them and see if anything jumps out at you and call me soon.” he says.
“Can do”
“and Prentiss?”
“mhm?”
“come see me in my office when this case is over” Hotch adds in, hanging up without an answer so Emily couldn’t object.
—
at the end of the case, Emily sat in Aaron’s office waiting for the teams return. the last couple days were harder than she had expected, with every day that passes her mind’s turmoil grows- and it’s harder to hide that from the others than she thought. Penelope got the gist Emily wanted to work alone at her desk when she sat down there on the second day the team was gone on the case, the day before she’d become more and more tense and irritable as time ticked by and left as soon as should could.
the case they were doing didn’t help either, it became hauntingly familiar to Emily when they found out that the women being kidnapped were being branded when the first body showed up. which is why the conclusion of the case was being kept from Emily, she of course knew that meant they had a negative outcome but Aaron was wanting to tell her in his office.
when he sat down he gave Emily the look she used to call the ‘dad Hotch’ look, she can see the concern in his eyes which makes her frown. “i wanted to tell you in private that we weren’t able to save Cindy and Amy.” he sad solemnly.
“were they branded too?”
“yes.”
“you caught him?”
Hotch looked away from Emily now, “we did. he was shot by Morgan after he shot at JJ” - she shot up from her seat as he said this, “she’s fine, Emily. it only grazed her. 10 stitches. sit back down please.”
she complies but her heart races, ‘i should of fought to be in the field. i could of protected her.’
“Penelope told me you snapped at her yesterday” Hotch continued, Emily groaned and sunk down in her seat. “Emily you said you were fine to come back, but you have a tendency to unhealthily compartmentalise things and pretend you’re okay. you’ve had a bad year, it’s alright to not be okay. but i need you to be honest with me, if not as your boss, be honest with me as your friend so i can help you as your boss”
her head span at the care in his voice, she closes her eyes and leans her head back. “I’m fine Hotch. i didn’t mean to snap at Pen. it won’t happen again”
he sighs, “okay, you won’t snap at Garcia again but will you snap at someone else? you’ve been distracted too, Emily, i don’t think you should be working right now-“ she tries to interject but he holds a hand up to stop her, “we have a very high risk job, for the safety of the team and of the people we swear to protect, i can’t have an agent who’s head’s so out of it in the field. i’ve arranged for you to start seeing your therapist again-“
“Hotch!” Emily exclaims, “what happened to ‘just tell me when you have bad days' ? i don’t need a therapist, Aaron.” - she knows she shouldn’t get so frustrated at her friend trying to help her, her boss trying to do his job, but she can’t help the feeling of panic that settles in her at the thought of having to do more therapy sessions.
“it’s an order, Emily. i spoke to JJ on the plane she’s worried about you, she’s noticed some concerning things..”
“concerning things?” she scoffs.
“why did you run after that unsub solo?” he challenges her.
“because he would of gotten away?”
“you knew he was highly unstable and devolving, you should of waited a second for JJ- or at least called it in on your radio. you ran into a dangerous situation with no regard for your life, i can’t have you doing that. and you and i both know bulletproof vests don’t start to come unstrapped on their own”
she pushes her chair back loudly and stands up, “i don’t know what JJ told you about my vest but i didn’t do anything to it” she denied vehemently.
“agent Prentiss.” he stops her sternly, “i’m going to give you a second to rethink your tone. she only told me that as she’s worried about you, and quite frankly we’re all getting worried. take some time off, go visit your mother or something. work on your mental health. it’s okay to take a break”
she just scoffs again at the suggestion of seeing her mother and shakes her head, walking out of his office and down the ramp to the bullpen. she ignores Reid, Derek and JJ trying to talk to her as she grabs her stuff and storms off to the elevators. but of course, they follow her. “leave me alone. please.” she huffs at them, veering off to take the stairs instead, slamming the door behind her.
they stand and stare at the door, Hotch and Rossi appear by their side. “that didn’t go well then?” JJ asks quietly, knowing what Hotch had planned to say for their meeting. he shook his head no, “should i go after her?”
“i don’t think that would be wise” he says softly, but something inside JJ told her she had to- so she ignored him and headed to the stairs. the team let her, but a feeling of dread set over them as they sense an impending argument.
in the parking garage Jennifer caught up with Emily by her car and called out to her, in her upset Emily had almost forgot that JJ was shot yesterday, but when she turned to her and saw a small cut on her forehead and her arm in a bandage all her anger melted away. the short blonde woman moved slowly forward, instinctively putting her hand on the taller brunettes arm as if to stop her disappearing.
but she wasn’t running anywhere, she was frozen in place now- staring at the bandages on the other agent’s arm. “it’s just a graze, Em”
Emily’s breath caught in her throat, “i should’ve been there in the field with you” she states in a small voice.
“you wouldn’t of been able to stop it, he jumped up out of nowhere and shot at us before any of us could get a bullet in.” JJ tried to reassure her, “and Em, come on. you’re not you right now, it wouldn’t of been good to have you out there”
at this, Emily tears her arm away and leans backwards on her car away from JJ. “what did you tell Hotch about my vest?” she asked
she didn’t get an answer for a whole minute, “Em i’m worried about you, there was no reason for your vest to be unstrapped- the unsub wasn’t close enough to do it, i know it was you who undid it. and i’ve been trying so hard to think about why you would do that” she stops, taking a deep breath and looking into the taller agent’s eyes, “you would only do that if you wanted to be dead”
Emily didn’t deny it, she didn’t lash out and claim she doesn’t know what happened to her vest. staring into JJ’s eyes caused a cascade of thoughts she had been trying to contain to come tumbling down. she can see hurt in JJ’s eyes, hurt she had caused- and she knew upstairs the rest of the team was hurting, this was the last thing she wanted. she wanted to spend her last couple weeks on earth helping people with the only people in the world who truly loved her, but now everyone was hurt and it was her fault. so she tried to compose herself, to slow down her heart and gather her words.
“i don’t know what you’re talking about Jennifer” - this just caused JJ’s face to scrunch up in more pain, not just from her denial, she called her Jennifer. not JJ, not Jayje, Jay, Jaybird- she called her her full name, for the first time in forever.
“you can’t push me away Emily. i’m not going anywhere.” she insisted, stepping towards her as her voice trembles.
Emily’s heart clenched, the words brought her back to Paris when she’d wake up screaming and JJ was there by her side, holding her and sweetly kissing her forehead. her gentle voice would shush her and tell her she’s right there and not leaving, but she did- after a week she had to go home to her son, to her boyfriend. Will has always been a source of pain for Emily- he’s always kind and helpful, an amazing father and an doting boyfriend, she should be glad her friend has him but instead the thought of him makes her head spin as she wishes she could take his place.
JJ takes Emily’s hands and squeezes them as she sees her eyes shut, “please. let me in. i can’t lose you Em”
a tear slips past Emily’s defences and her pulls a hand away from JJ’s to quickly swipe it away. “i have to go”
“Em. please. please just stay a minute and talk with me” JJ’s begging now, with her voice and her eyes- she holds onto the hand she still has in hers tightly, refusing to let go.
Emily sighs, “it’s- i’m fine Jayje. i just need to go. we’ll talk later, yeah?” - JJ sees right through her, she’s just trying to placate her so she can avoid the situation.
JJ pulls her into a hug, “please.” she whispers, barely breathing. “just come with me for a bit? i’ll tell Hotch you need me he won’t care, we can go pick Henry and and go make those cookies you both like?”
two forces pull Emily now, one pulling her away from JJ into her car- one pulling her further into her embrace. for a second the smaller agent’s touch makes her consider not going along with her plan, but when she melts into her and rests her head on her shoulder she remembers again that she was shot yesterday. and that she was concussed two weeks ago, because of Emily. her self hatred isn’t enough to turn down JJ’s offer to pick her son up though, as she knows it’s not a request but an order she won't get out of without hurting her more.
she sighs and pulls back after a minute of being held, all she can get out is a small “okay” as she nods to her car for JJ to get in.