There was a monster.
A monster under his bed.
And no one seemed to have noticed it, even though his mum had looked underneath several times and his father had conjured little lights underneath with his magic wand so that the darkness underneath disappeared.
But it was no use, no use, no use.
For there was another monster. A monster so big and scary that Remus preferred to hide under his bed with the smaller monsters.
The room was dark, the light breeze of the cool night flowing into the room through his window, but never in his life had Remus shivered so hard. Tears streamed down his face and he hoped, hoped so much, that his dad would come to him now, protect him and hold him in his arms, because where was he? Where, where, where?
"Remus."
The purr filled the night and crept through Remus’ every bone. He didn't know who this man was, didn't know why he was here, didn't want to know. The only thing he wanted was to curl up in his mum's arms and never have to escape from them again.
"My good little boy" A nauseating stench filled his nose, wet sweaty skin, the metallic smell of blood and so, so much fear.
"I'm here to give you a gift, little one." The voice was low, rumbling, and Remus clutched his teddy. Maybe if he didn't move, if he didn't make a sound, the man who had come sneaking through his room tonight would disappear again.
"Remus, Remus, Remus," a hoarse whisper, from deep in his throat, and he got goosebumps.
"You're going to be so good for me, so good." Remus didn't know what the man meant. Tears streamed down his face. "You're so perfect. Please-" the voice became guttural and groaning "show yourself to me."
And with a heave he was there and screams followed from his too small throat. So loud, so glaring, so painful that not a second later the door to his room flew open. And yet, it hurt, so much that his lungs barely made room for more breaths and his screams and sobs were so loud in the night that it would haunt him forever.
Wet lips on his hip, a tongue snaking along his bare skin and teeth digging into his flesh. So sharp, so deep, so unforgettable as the scar they left.
Hot breath on his ear, a loving, sickening moan, hands all over his body and where was his teddy?
Where was his ma, his pa?
"Such a good boy, oh I'll never forget you little Remus."
And then a flash that pulled the heavy, wet body from him and so much blood he didn't know where it came from. And then, his Ma: warm hands, hot tears and a loving smile that looked more like a grimace. And he cried and cried and cried, because there had been a monster, a monster under his bed and why hadn't they found it?
And the last, the last thing he heard was his voice.
"Oh, I'll never forget you."
And neither will he him.
-
With a jolt, Remus woke up, his face wet with tears, his heart racing from the memory that had been shot through his dream.
He hated it.
Hated that even after 13 years he still had nightmares of that night he was bitten by Greyback. Every time he thought of it, his heart constricted and his throat tightened, wondering why on earth after 13 long years he was still being tortured with the paintings of his past. He sighed, got out of bed, for there was no point in going to sleep now, not after that dream and not on the night before the full. Perhaps it had become a kind of habit that he experienced this dream every time, every month, on the very night before the full, but it never got any easier.
He grabbed the packet of cigarettes and opened the window to go out onto the small balcony. It was far too small to sit down comfortably, especially for him, but Remus pressed himself against the wall in spite of it and stretched his long, gangling legs through the railing so that they dangled in the air and the endless nothingness below. The cold night air was icy, but he was so sweaty and his body was still sending out adrenaline that he didn't mind. Not that he would get cold quickly, after all, he was a werewolf and had a better circulatory system than any other human.
With his long fingers he pulled a cigarette from the pack, lit it with a lighter.
Smoke filled his lungs and he kept it there for a few moments until the burning became too strong and he blew the smoke through his nostrils. At least it put out of his mind the smell of old, dirty skin and the hot, filthy breath that still haunted him.
God, sometimes he wished he was less sentimental about his childhood, but all he really remembered were the painful transformations, his cries for his mother, and his Father, who could no longer even look him in the eye.
Monsters were everywhere, and now he was one of them. He hadn't looked for shapes under his bed for a long time, because he knew that anything underneath was better than he was. He was the monster, that had become clear the moment he turned and began his thankless journey with lycanthropy. Smoke left his lips as he eagerly tried to forget all that lay dormant in his mind, but on a night like this before the full moon, when his limbs began to ache and he became restless, he usually had no choice.
He looked into the starry night at the moon, which had now become so much his hated enemy. It was round, almost full, and Remus dreaded the coming night, imagining all the things that might come, that would follow.
He lit another cigarette and breathed the smoke from his lungs. It didn't really calm him down, but at least he had something to keep his fingers busy. A distraction from all that he had been dreaming. The bitter taste of tobacco on his tongue rushed through his system and he licked his lips. His face was still hot, red marks decorating it after he had woken up crying, but he felt better. Not good, but better.
He leaned his head against the wall, felt the wind on his bare feet, which slid through the spaces between his toes, and allowed himself a moment to breathe.
"Moons?"
Sirius.
Always, always Sirius.
Gentle footsteps, soft shuffling, like Padfoot, just like Padfoot and a small thin smile formed on Remus' lips. How Sirius knew when exactly he was awake in the middle of the night was a mystery to him, but he was glad, so glad, not to be sitting here alone on the balcony of Hogwarts, hoping he wouldn't fall into the depths of darkness that had threatened to swallow him moments before.
Sirius. Sirius. Sirius.
Remus closed his eyes, resting his head against the wall, cigarette lightly caught between his lips, when he heard the window open and Sirius come out. Sat down next to him. More likely pressed against him. Not that there wasn't already little room for Remus alone on the balcony, but it was definitely too tight for two people. He felt Sirius' body heat, smelled his warm, rich scent mingled with earthy tones of life, so much life.
He wanted to dive into the angelic curve of his neck, suck and sniff and lick, he wanted-
His black, onyx hair whipped in the wind and Remus imagined Sirius pushing closer to him. His shoulder touched Sirius', long, elegant legs pressed against his. He felt warm, quite lightheaded.
"Moons." Sirius's voice was soft, low, as if the wind carried it to his ear and whispered against it, a gentle breeze on the wind, a tender touch. He took a drag on his cigarette before finding the courage to open his eyes. And then, the moment he did, they met his.
Stormy grey, some days almost a languid blue when the sun hit just the right angle and made them shimmer, hit golden brown. And Remus found it so, so hard to breathe, because how could you breathe when you had him in front of you?
Sirius with his high cheekbones, with his deep eyes that he lost himself in so easily, Sirius with his soft hair playing around his ears that Remus wanted to run his fingers through- He was so, so beautiful, so incredible, breath-taking, bloody beautiful and Remus couldn't breathe.
How could he when Sirius was giving him all his attention?
He wrestled a smile from himself, which probably looked more like a grimace, the way Sirius' face changed. His eyes were worried and Remus hated how much he could see through his façade, how easy it seemed for him to decipher and read Remus, as if he were an open book. He sighed, a sound that seemed too loud for the silent night.
He held his cigarette out to Sirius.
Long, slender fingers closed around his wrist and pulled it to soft, full lips that wrapped around the cigarette and Remus was mesmerised. The way they closed around it, the way they sucked on it, the way the smoke flowed through them, like water. How those lips, just for a tiny moment brushed his fingertips and it felt like fire.
Remus turned his gaze away from him, to the dark night and the sea of stars that twinkled above them. The moon caught his attention again and again, reminding him of what had happened that day, 13 years ago. And he wanted so badly to forget it.
So, so much.
And yet, Oh, I will never forget you little Remus.
He shuddered.
"Which one was it this time?" Not Greyback's voice, but Sirius's.
Soft and warm and all he would ever need to forget all his worries. Sirius and he had told each other enough about their nightmares over the years, had a schooled understanding of how they worked, what they needed, when it happened. And it happened often.
So often that the two of them found themselves together in their beds more often than not, secret stories, hushed voices, lingering gazes, the soft touching of hands, intertwined.
"Greyback." He said, and his voice was rough and heavy, as if he hadn't used it in a long time. And it was true. It had been years since he had spoken his name, years since he had sworn to find him and kill him, years since he had destroyed his life and taken from little Remus somewhat everything that stood for innocence. But Sirius understood. Sirius always understood, through soft smiles and heated gazes, small, comforting touches and hot hands and heavy breathing and silent tears, he always, always understood.
As he did now.
“Come inside Moons, it freezing.”
Cold, soft hands in his, intertwining, pulling him closer and closer inside, in the comfortable warmth of Sirius and his body and he was so grateful to have him, to be his friend, to love him in secret and wishing for more, but it would always be friends first.
Sirius tugged him on, hair a mess, eyes awake but still wrung with sleep, tiredness in everyone of his bones, but he was up, and he was up for Remus. The destination was Sirius’ bed- They would very often end up in each other’s beds.
Remus felt himself collide with the soft mattress, rumpled sheets around him and a smell so strongly of Sirius it burned away any other essence still lingering in his mind. He buried his face into the sheets, gathering all the headiness of the smell into his mind, memorising it there, willing it to sink into his heart and soul, to be one of his scents, too.
And then there was a warm body, cold feet against his shins and he hissed, as Sirius smiled as he placed himself beside him on the mattress, but otherwise he was warm and welcome and familiar and so not Greyback. Remus felt his arms stretch out around him, enclosing him in a soft but tight embrace because he wanted to feel safe and only Sirius could with his hugs and arms and half warm half cold sheets twirling around them like yarn, tying them together, forever. And then once comfortable silence fell over them, heated bodies against each other’s, he felt home. His heart pumped in his chest but he had never ever felt more alive than with Sirius in his arms, with his breathing soft and lulled, his hair everywhere, even, yes, even his cold feet against his shins. That might have been his fault anyway, by going out on the balcony at two in the morning.
“You wanna talk about it?”
Muffled responses into his shirt, hands travelling everywhere making him heady.
He sighed, pushed his nose into Sirius’ hair, inhaling. Please, please never let me go, he thought, tightening the embrace, which was way to intimate to be shared by just friends, but they were by far way over this already.
“Just about the night it happened.” He mumbled, fisting the shirt of Sirius on his back. They were so close, shared breaths until it was their air they were breathing, long gazes until it was their haze they’ve been creating. Always theirs, forever theirs.
“Greyback biting me. I just thought- “he broke off unsure what to say, how to describe the feeling in his chest, withering and tightening and pushing, always wanting to be hidden but acknowledged. Sirius nudged his nose along his jaw, making him fight his shivers. Nonetheless an encouragement to make him speak further if he wanted.
“I don’t know.” He finished. “I thought after 13 years it would get easier to, you know, get over it, but it still haunts me. Every time I wake up from this dream it leaves me helpless and I feel this panic all over my body, like when I was four and- “
“I don’t know- “he said again, not finding the words for feelings right now “I just thought it would get easier.”
“Moons.” Sirius shifted so that his eyes found honey brown again and he smiled softly. “It’s okay to feel like that. It’s something that changed your whole life, it changed so much for you, that it is okay if you would never get over it. You were four Re, you were a child and it still haunts you because this man caused so much pain and so much fear like never before. No one blames you for still waking up to nightmares from this man, and you shouldn’t blame yourself too. It’s your body trying to cope with everything you’ve been trough and it wasn’t easy. It was not then, and it is not now. Let yourself heal from it.”
“But I don’t know how Pads.” Remus whispered, his voice thick, because how, how, how was he supposed to get over something so drastic that it changed everything for him?
“Let yourself live trough it. Let the feelings come, acknowledge them, feel them, and let them go. Wash them out of your system.”
Long fingers along his jaw, turning and turning till his head was titled into a direction of grey eyes and soft features.
“Talking helped.” Sirius whispered, his voice low and breathy like always when he woke up from sleep late at night. “It helped me get over my family and the shit they did. You know.”
Yes, Remus knew. Knew sleepless nights, crying, sobbing, clutching and a body shaking in his arms, too small, to tired to deal with all this trauma from the past. Whispered silencing charms and long talks, shared cigarettes and comforting hugs under warm sheets.
Remus nodded, voice to tight to speak, unable to say anything meaningless in their bubble of warmth and ease.
And then Sirius.
“I’m always here, when you are ready.” he said smiling into the thin night air and letting himself fall back against Remus’ chest before running his fingers along his bare chest, drawing constellations of nothings into his skin, marking his scars, creating patterns of love and friendship. Remus breathed and halted, as Sirius kissed a rather brutal scar across his chest, which he inflicted on himself in their third year, when the transformations had gotten harder and harder to manage, before the marauders found a way to help him.
“Moons.”
“Pads.”
“You’re everything.”
Everything. Everything. Everything.
His heart races in his chest and he was sure Sirius was listening to it intentionally, his head pressing harder into his chest to hear, hear, hear how his words made Remus tumble and fall into hopeless crushes that turned to love at the end of fifth year, even with the prank separating them for good but bringing them back together even stronger than before. And he was so, so in love with Sirius Black he wanted to scream it into the world and announce it to the endless oceans and heartless skies that he was his.
“Sirius- “
“Moons, I- “
So much unspoken, so much fear of rejection even though they both knew they wanted it, needed it like breathing air, because Sirius became his air, he became his stone at the shore, the person keeping him from the thread, the one- and only-person Remus Lupin would ever love.
“I know, Sirius.” He whispered. “I know.”
And Sirius looked at him, so deeply, so full of emotions that Remus could do nothing other than let his own swim in his eyes. It made him heady to know, to cross this unspoken line, something that always held them back, but maybe, maybe not anymore.
Hesitant hands mingled into black, onyx hair, guiding him softly to Remus’ lips because he wanted, he needed, he longed after this.
Eyes flickering back and forth and finally, so close that you could feel the hot air of each other’s breaths and the last second before all went crashing and firing and exploded because lips met lips and Remus felt like worlds were changing and Sirius’ lips were so soft and warm, his breath smelled like tobacco from the cigarette but he was the most delicious thing Remus had ever tasted. His hand pulled him closer, more pressure on hot lips, open mouthed kisses till their lips were raw and red and breaths flowed out of their chests into the other and he never wanted this to end, never wanted his lips not attached to those from Sirius Black, because he felt seen, and at home, and so, so alive.
He wanted to burst with happiness.
“I love you.” Sirius kissed into his mouth and Remus said it back, all emotion and fears and vulnerability showing at the tip of his tongue but Sirius was right there, was holding him in his arms, and somehow, that made everything okay.
“I love you too. To the moon and back.” He whispered, as the sun set at the sky and Sirius lay tangled in sheets and Remus’ body, trapped in warm embraces that would never ever end.
Shared smiles and soft touches turned into heartful gazes and yielding kisses and full-blown love.
A love that would keep Remus Lupin alive forever, even when it didn’t hold his friends.