This time, Sirius had gone too far.
When Remus looks up from the book in his hands (Prefects Who Gained Power, not that it was any sort of goal for him but he had a feeling that McGonagall (or Dumbledore for that matter) hadn’t chosen him as a Prefect unless they actually hoped he’d be able to tame his more rebellious friends), Sirius is holding Avery’s wand in his hands while the latter is trying his best to stop the flow of pus from his nose.
It’s broad daylight, the corridors are filled with people after the quidditch tryouts (and a long line of girls Sirius is probably trying to impress, this might actually be his motivation for the show of power in the first place), not to mention any of the professors might walk in on the scene any moment, even though it’s a Saturday.
James is obviously there, not far behind (never, and vice versa), laughing but he’s a few steps further and Lupin detects why in a few seconds - Lily Evans is walking towards the crowd with her head held high and determination in her eyes. Her Prefect badge almost shines against the reflecting sunlight.
This, more than anything, more than the fact that Sirius has now made all of Avery’s hair disappear from his head, makes him leap into action for the first time against his friends after he’d been made Prefect.
It’s nearly December now, which means Remus has neglected the duties bestowed on him by simply looking away when James would hex Snape, Sirius would steal something from the Trophy room and pin it on an unsuspecting Slytherin and Peter would go along with it all (and so would Remus, apparently, because he’s a great big idiot) (a great big idiot in love, maybe, but that’s a whole other story)
Before Lily can reach them through the laughing crowd (or Mulciber, for that matter, because he’s fast approaching to aid his fellow-student), Remus snaps his book shut and hardens his heart for what he has to do.
“Sirius!” he shouts, quickly coming up to him and past James, who stares at him in interest while Peter, finally showing up, stays near the wall and watches him in shock.
“That’s enough,” Remus says calmly, coming up to the other boy and putting a hand on his shoulder. When he reaches for Avery’s wand, Sirius moves it further, smirking.
“Oh, come on, it’s just a bit of fun. He’ll be fine once he takes a detour to the hospital wing. I’m just teaching him a lesson.” Sirius says and winks at a 6th form girl who smiles brightly, twirling her hair.
That does it.
“What, did he insult your hair again? Because you do take several hours to maintain them each morning, so he wouldn’t be entirely wrong.”
Sirius stares at him in shock and maybe a little bit of betrayal, but he snaps his perfect facade back up in a second. “Oh, come on, Moony. Taking this Prefect thing a bit too seriously, aren’t we?”
Remus takes out his own wand and Sirius stops dead in his tracks, diverting all his attention to him. Avery is mumbling and cursing in the background, while Mulciber comes to his aid.
“15 points from Gryffindor and detention.” Remus says, calm.
He can hear the shocked gasp through the crowd and ignores when James comes up to them. “Moony, he was just-”
“One more word, James, and you’ll join him.”
Sirius is staring at him like he can’t quite believe it. “Mate, come on. Stop fucking around.”
His eyes are still on Remus’ wand. But he’s not backing down and neither is Remus.
“What-is-going-on?” Evans is there, out of breath and just in time for Mulciber to turn on them all.
“You filthy little-”
“Do you really want to finish that, Mulciber?” Lily asks, turning to him calmly.
Everyone stares at Sirius, who is lowering the two wands now. “You’re serious?”
James is standing right next to them but says nothing on account of Lily being right there.
“Give him back his wand.” Remus says, still calm. Inside, everything is a storm.
He can’t believe he let this go so far just because he was distracted by the sharp jawline that Sirius is angelling toward him, the small smirk on the corner of his mouth and the rough hands that would gently wrap around him after one of his transformations.
He’s not sure what makes him angrier - that Sirius just wouldn’t learn or that Remus didn’t make sure that he would.
In dead-silence, Sirius tosses Avery’s wand to him and turns on his heel, his own wand making a sweeping motion and a student holding a stack of papers yelps, all of them scattering on the floor.
Remus sighs and when James yells “Sirius!” after him, he doesn’t look back.
Peter is eyeing Remus. He seems to want to say something but his mouth forms a thin line instead, nodding gently towards Sirius’ disappearing form.
“I’ve got it.” Remus mumbles to the boy and stalks after him. He can hear James trying to explain everything (with sugar coated lies, no doubt) to Lily, while the redhead is dispersing the crowd with threats of taking house points if they don’t.
She was always so much better at this than Remus ever was. Standing up for what was right.
Remus tries to guess where Sirius could’ve turned (he wouldn’t go to the Gryffindor tower, he’d know the others would find him soon enough) when he bumps into Regulus on the next corner.
“Oof- Sorry- Oh, it’s you.” Regulus always looks like he’s bored or he hates being where he is and this is no different.
“Reg, have you seen Sirius?”
“Oh, him? He just stumped past me like someone hexed his hair in a knot-”
“Did you see where he went?” Remus interrupts Regulus’ bored voice.
He raises one eyebrow at Remus and gestures. “Trophy room, I think. You lovebirds fighting again?”
Remus tries not to blush as he rolls his eyes. Just for the sake of fucking with him, he says “James is coming this way,” before he’s off.
He can see Regulus taking the opposite direction as fast as he can and Remus can’t help but snicker.
When he reaches the trophy room, Sirius is skulking on the windowsill. Even now, when they’re fighting, he looks devastatingly handsome, the backdrop of a nightfall making his silhouette dark and mysterious.
When they first met, Remus found a friend in not just Sirius but all of them. So as the years came and went, he wondered why it was Sirius he developed a crush on and not the other two boys he consistently hung out with.
Why not James, with his rounded glasses crooked on his nose, making him look like a cute boy who wouldn’t hurt a fly, with his exceptional Quidditch skills and a knack for getting in trouble, the hair that’s always a mess and the way he always knew when someone needed cheering up.
Why not Peter, with his round face and kind eyes, his ability to give the best advice but never follow it himself, with his slight inclination to walk on his tiptoes around Sirius because he wants to be as tall, and the warm smile he always gives when you compliment him, like you’re the only person who really sees him.
Why not either of the two? Why did it have to be Sirius?
Of course, it wouldn’t have been easier any other way. But with Sirius, it’s somehow even more so complicated, because as a person, Sirius is always the center and other people around him get drawn in, into his orbit so you never escape. Just like James but when James is always seeking it like a moth to a flame, Sirius enjoys the attention for a while and then gets bored.
He hates loneliness so he drowns himself in it. He hates being hated, so he hates himself.
Remus knows exactly why he fell in love with Sirius and not James, whose parents have always loved and cherished him, not with Peter who just wanted friends and finally got them.
It was Sirius, whose parents abandoned him the minute he expressed any kindness towards anyone other than a pureblood. It was Sirius, who sat in his room in the dark after his father had raised his hands against him more than once, with no mother to come to his rescue because she was too busy telling everyone she only had one son.
It had to be Sirius, because Remus never fit in, he was always the odd one out and a weirdo and Sirius knew what it felt like to be hated because you were different than what was expected.
Of course it is Sirius he is in love with, how could it not be?
When Remus comes into the room, all is quiet and Sirius doesn’t show any marks of acknowledging him.
“Sirius,” Remus starts and is surprised by how soft his voice suddenly is - unintentionally he’s always spoken to him this way, like Sirius might break if he doesn’t - and tries to harden it by speaking louder, “You know you went too far.”
There’s a snort. “Look at you, coming into the Prefect role. What’s next, you’ll team up with Evans and be Snivellus’ personal bodyguards?”
There’s a sneer in his voice and with all that’s boiling in him, Remus can’t help but snap. “Why do you have to pretend to be so mean?”
Finally, Sirius looks at him. There are no chandeliers here to illuminate him so the half-moon that has risen does it instead and for a shocking second, Remus thinks ‘this might be what I look like, about to change’.
The shadow passes over and Sirius remains in the dark as he leans back, eyes shining. “Mean? What are we, 12? Who’s pretending?”
Remus grits his teeth. “I thought, of all people, you’d know what it’s like.”
This gets Sirius’ attention and he stares up at the ceiling. “Don’t.”
And Remus doesn’t understand how this person, someone who, along with his other best friends, took the time to learn to change their form so they can be with him at his worst, could be this… this empty.
But it isn’t Sirius, he reminds himself. It’s just the wall he keeps bumping into when he tries his best to get Sirius out of his hiding.
“You know what it’s like do be tormented for being different-”
“Moony, I’m warning you-”
“-And yet you inflict the same humiliation upon others that you have felt-”
“I said, bloody stop it!” Sirius is on his feet with his wand out.
Remus doesn’t even flinch. “I am there, again and again, fixing up your messes and sometimes, I’m the accomplice. I am not going to pretend like you and I aren’t the same but there’s one fundamental difference, Sirius.”
Sirius’ face doesn’t move, he just waits.
“I care about fucking other peoples’ lives up because that’s what happened to us. I would never want that to happen-”
“You- You think I do?” Sirius half-shouts. “I don’t want- These people deserve it!”
“Do they?” Remus asks back, also now half-shouting and their voices echo strangely from the walls. How did it come to this? “They might be bad people but does that mean they need to be punished? Humiliated? Is that your job? You think you're some kind of righteous hand of, I don’t know, God-”
Sirius snorts and he’s so angry, “God? Give me a break, who are you to lecture me? Why now? What’s changed?”
Don’t say it, Remus thinks, don’t say it.
“I already told you, I’m not saying I’m any better. I’m saying we all need to take a look in the mirror.”
Sirius squints at him. “So, what you’re saying is, suddenly we’re all bad people.”
Remus sighs. Sirius’ wand has dropped but he hasn’t put it away so Remus stays where he is when he says “We’re not bad people. There’s just a lot of bad things that have happened to us. Are you gonna be like your parents? Am I going to be what that monster made me?”
There’s a few beats of silence before Sirius says, in a low voice, “Maybe I am.”
Remus takes a step towards him and Sirius flinches. It hurts.
“You’re better than anyone I know, Sirius, you just have to see that. What you could be.”
Sirius laughs and it sounds maniacal. Hysterical. Something cracks. “You have no idea what I could be! Maybe this is what I’m good at! It’s just pranks and all good fun, Moony, I swear and then - you pull this bloody shit and suddenly I’m some sort of torturer and bully-”
“That’s not what I-”
“And maybe,” Sirius plows on, one hand shaking as it goes through his curls, those beautiful locks, some of which he has fastened on the top of his head in a messy bun so they wouldn’t get in his face, “maybe you’re right. Maybe that’s what I’d be good at. ‘Cause I absolutely, magnificently suck at being good.”
Remus feels his heart sink and he takes another step. “You’re an idiot, Sirius Black, if you think you’re bad at being good.”
“You’ve never called us out before and suddenly, this was the last straw? I don’t get it, Remus.” Sirius changes lanes. He doesn’t like talking about himself so he deflects. It’s not just him, it’s all of them. Let’s talk about all of us.
But Remus doesn’t fall for it.
“Sirius, what happened at home the week before school-”
“Never should’ve told you.” Sirius mumbles at that but Remus ignores it.
“You’re acting out, think about it. Your projecting. Why? Why would you pretend with us? With me?”
“It’s the only way that makes sense!” Sirius shouts again and he’s shaking all over now and Remus is careful not to raise his hands as he walks towards him.
“And you!” he points a finger at Remus who stops and stares, “You with this bullshit - I don’t need - Since when do you care what I do?”
“Since I knew that this could change you forever, Sirius, and I fell in love with a boy who knew right from wrong!” Remus yells at him, finally finding it in him to raise his voice along with his defenses.
Sirius looks stricken but before he can say anything, Remus goes on, “You blithering idiot, you think it’s easy standing up to your friends when they’re all you’ve ever known? You think it’s funny to me, to cause distress to people who haven’t done shit to me? You think it’s easy for me to see how you change because your parents are trying their best to change you?”
Sirius’ mouth is agape and all that comes out is, “You- You did what?”
But Remus ignores it, he’s finally in front of Sirius and he’s just that bit shorter so Remus lowers his chin to find his eyes. “When you told me, all of you, this year that you turned yourselves into animagi, that you did it for me, I knew then that these friends I will have forever. Nothing can break the bond that we have. But it hurts me that others cannot see that side of you ‘cause you won’t let them.”
He’s got a hold of Sirius’ hand, the one that’s holding the wand, and he lowers it. Sirius lets him and his grip loosens and he lets Remus take the wand away.
His mouth is still slightly open, his eyebrows scrunched together like he’s trying to figure out how on earth he turned his hedgehog into a teakettle instead of a pincushion.
“You… You’re in love with me?” He stares at Remus like he’s a ghost.
Remus’ brain catches up with what he had said and his heart skips a beat. His voice trembles when he says, “My big speech and that’s what you got?”
Sirius manages a smirk. “There were a lot of words flying around, you know I can’t concentrate for too long. The picture distracts from the sound.” He gestures to the whole of Remus and Remus, well, he blushes because Sirius definitely aimed a compliment to his appearance just then.
“Sirius, tell me you got-”
“I know you don’t want me to be like my parents. I don’t want that either.” Sirius says, cutting him off. Remus is a lot closer to him now and Sirius has put his hands in his arms on both sides when he talks. “That’s why I have you, right? You pull me back, every time.”
Like Sirius pulls him back, when he gets into one of his darker moods. When he’s not sure he can live with who he is and will always be. Sirius soothes him, soft hands and words, tea and flickering candlelight.
How did he not see it before?
“I might not always be there, Padfoot.” Remus doesn’t use Sirius' nickname as much as they all use Remus’, only when he really wants something to get it through that thick skull of his.
“After what you just told me? I’m making sure you never get rid of me, darling.” Sirius smiles that flirty smile of his and Remus realises he’s fucking with him.
He shoves his shoulder and Sirius laughs, comes right back with his hands now wrapping them around Remus. It’s warm and feels- feels like he’s safe. Home.
“Get off, you imbecile. I’m still mad at you.”
“You love me, you can’t be.”
Remus struggles against Sirius, feeling his face heat up. “And you’re okay with that?” his voice is small when he asks that.
Sirius lets his grip loosen a bit, so he can lean back and give Remus a disbelieving look. “Moony, you’re fucking crazy if you don’t think I love you, too.”
Remus swallows. “Why-”
“Okay, look. We’re best friends. You and me.” Sirius tells him and Remus nods.
He hasn’t even let it sink in what just transpired between them.
“And I never wanted to fuck that up. But sometime during third year you did this-” Sirius snorts, remembering, “You did this stupid thing. You knitted me a Christmas sweater, remember? It was hideous, the one with a Troll on it that was wearing a ballerina costume and shit.”
Remus stares at him. He remembers that.
“And when I refused to wear it you only laughed and threw it at me and James and Peter were there and we just - laughed about it. But when I put it on on Christmas Eve - man, your face.” Sirius’ hand comes up and touches his cheekbone and Remus doesn’t even notice he’s holding his breath. “Your face lit up like a bloody Christmas tree. And I knew that you- that I wanted you to be different with me than the rest. Give all those smiles, the way you smiled then, give them all to me.”
Sirius is whispering now and Remus can feel the blood rush in his ears. All this time-
“You could’ve just said something.”
Sirius shakes his head and yeah, Remus gets it. Why didn’t he? He could’ve as well but he didn’t. Sirius and him - they’re both idiots.
“You know you’re the only one who gets to call me an idiot and get away with it.” Sirius suddenly says and his arms are around Remus’ middle. They’re keeping him caged but for once, Remus doesn’t mind the feeling.
He just snorts. “Right. If that were true, a lot of your shit would have remained undone.”
Sirius shrugs, hand coming up to grasp his jaw gently and Remus tries not to move a muscle in his body. He might explode. He wishes the imprint of Sirius’ fingers would be there for eternity.
“I said you get away with it. Doesn’t mean it changes that I am one. Such a fucking moron.”
“Why isn’t there anyone here to hear those words but me?” Remus complains but Sirius laughs, effectively shutting Remus up by backing him up to an empty wall.
He feels a thump as his shoulders hit it but Sirius’ left hand has gone up and behind his head. He doesn’t let his head thump against the wall.
Remus stomach does a weird flip and he thinks - this is it. I’m done for.
“In a second you’ll be lucky there isn’t.” Sirius whispers to him and he draws a thumb over Remus’ lower lip before he inches closer.
Remus never imagined kissing Sirius would be like this.
Oh, he’d imagined it happening many times. Rough and fast. Slow and steady. Every way imaginable because he’s a teenage boy and what else are you going to do when you pine for someone?
But out of all those scenarios, none of them come close.
Sirius’ hand is still gently holding the back of his head. The other is resting on his collar bone just above his shoulder. And his lips are chapped and at first, dry. When Remus opens his mouth that changes in an instant and their mouths slide together like two puzzle pieces.
And it’s making Remus giddy with excitement, it’s making him nervous with want, it’s making him scared with how happy this feels. One human can’t possibly feel all these things - and yet, here Sirius is, making him vibrate like some kind of emotional bundle of nerves.
Remus’ hands wrap themselves around Sirius' middle tightly, drawing him in and slightly tilting his head back because he’s taller and Sirius makes a little adorable noise.
It makes Remus want to go feral.
But then Sirius’ hand behind his head slides down to his jaw, gripping it tight, and he bites Remus lower lip gently, before he goes back to kissing him like he’s breathing him in.
He’s not sure when their fight turned into this but Remus knows that even if Sirius is doing this to not talk about what he really needs to talk about, Remus will find a way to get it out of him later - a dark corner where no one can see or hear and he will hold Sirius until he has no more words in him to say.
Right now, he lets himself have this. He wants to get lost in the constellation that is Sirius - Remus never tried to get out of his orbit but he didn’t know Sirius could consume him like this.
It’s more than he had hoped for.
Sirius pulls back for a breath and his eyes are so - Remus doesn’t think he’ll survive if Sirius ever looks at him like that again. He lunges forward and grates his teeth along Sirius’ neck.
Sirius lets out a very strangled “Ah, fuck,” and lets Remus closer, tilting his head so he can have better access.
I’m going to devour him, Remus thinks, not the other way around. A whole constellation just for me.
Sirius pushes him roughly back against the wall, a hand on his chest and another holding his jaw and he smirks. Like he’s done something stupid. Well, he sort of has.
“If I’d known pissing you off to that extent would’ve earned me such a reward-”
“Shut up, shut up, shut the fuck up.” Remus tells him. Oh, he’s going to fucking murder him, he’ll ruin him in ways no one else yet has.
He kisses him, again and again until Sirius is a gasping mess under his grip and hasn’t got anything witty to say.
Remus isn’t even about to protest when Sirius’ hands find his bare skin under his shirt, how he drags his fingers over his stomach and holds onto his hips.
But there’s a knock on the door and a “Padfoot, you in there?”
Before Remus can even react, Sirius is holding him against the wall with one hand, holding the handle of the door with the other. They’re right next to it, so it’s a bit of a stretch but he manages.
James barely manages to open the door a sliver when Sirius is there, holding it half-way open with his hand and the other hand, the one on Remus’ chest, moves to his mouth when Remus shows signs of speaking.
He raises his eyebrows and struggles in protest but Sirius says loudly, “Prongs, what’s up?”
He sounds way too cheerful and out of breath for James to be fooled. “You in here alone?” he asks, all suspicious.
“Why wouldn’t I be? After that fiasco.”
Remus rolls his eyes and contemplates licking the bastard's hand.
“I just thought - Moony came looking for you, did he find you?” James sounds concerned and Remus feels a warmth towards his best friend.
“Oh yeah, the fucker came by. Gave me a lecture and everything.” Sirius says, keeping his tone cheerful and light.
Remus grumbles but the noise is muffled by Sirius’ hand.
There's shuffling at the door. “Yeah, he seemed right pissed off this time.” There’s some amusement in his voice, though.
“You know how he gets. Probably just needs to get laid.”
Remus outright bites Sirius’ fingers, feeling the metal of the rings he wears. The boy yelps, hand going to his chest and eyes darting to Remus for a brief second before they’re back on James.
“What?” James asks and his voice is closer.
“Nothing, I- uh- twisted my wrist back there with Avery and it’s still sore.” he finishes lamely.
Remus looks at him, trying to hold in his laughter. Sirius’ mouth is a thin line.
James doesn’t sound convinced but he says, “Okay… You coming back to the Common Room? Peter’s bringing out his stash of Bertie Botts.”
Sirius gives him a not-so-reassuring smile. “I’ll be with you in a sec, you go ahead. I’ll just go check my wrist with Madam Pomfrey.”
James leaves - knowing him, though, there’ll be questions afterwards. But Remus launches at Sirius the instant the door falls shut, “The fuck was that?”
“You’re asking me?” Sirius replies in disbelief, waving his hand, “You fucking bit me!”
“I’m a werewolf, it’s in my nature.” Remus says calmly. “Were you trying to hide the fact that we- You don’t want James to know?”
Sirius’ face falls a bit, “No! I mean, I do I just- can we figure this out together, first? Can I just- have you for myself right now?”
And okay, yeah, if he puts it like that… Remus loves all his friends equally (well, you know what he means) but they can be intrusive and James Potter - will simply freak, when he finds out. Sirius has a point.
“Mhmmm,” Remus hums, when Sirius cages him in with his hands on either side of the wall. “And how long do you think we can keep this up?”
“Knowing James, we’ll have to fuck right under his nose so he’d get the message. I’m down if you are.” Sirius says, mirth in his eyes.
Remus is so done for.
“You’re a fucking wanker.” he says, pulling Sirius in with a hand on the front of his white, loose shirt, convenient in that Remus can attach his lips on the skin that’s revealed as he pulls the fabric away.
And, when Sirius gives a laugh which turns into a gasp right after Remus bites into him once more, Remus can’t help but smile and he speaks through it against Sirius’ skin.
“Name a time and place.”