Jake lay awake in bed, phone in hand, lazily scrolling through TikTok as the glow of the screen illuminated the darkened room. Amy was fast asleep beside him, her soft snoring a rhythmic backdrop to the faint crash of ocean waves outside. It was the squad’s annual beach trip, and this year, Boyle had taken it upon himself to “organize” the sleeping arrangements—aka, shove Jake and Amy into the room right next to Maddy and Rosa, dubbing it the honeymoon section of the house. At first, Jake didn’t mind. The bed was comfortable, and apart from Amy stealing the blankets, it was shaping up to be a decent night. That was, until he heard a muffled noise through the wall beside him.
"oh my god."
At first, he brushed it off as Maddy’s normal sleep talking. It wouldn’t be the first time he had overheard her mumbling nonsense in the middle of the night. But then, another noise followed. A different kind of noise.
"oh, fuck mads, keep going"
Jake’s eyes widened.
Oh. Oh, no.
He quickly turned his head toward Amy, hoping, praying she was awake to suffer through this nightmare with him. But no—Amy was out cold, completely oblivious to the disaster unfolding next door.
“Amy,” he whispered urgently, nudging her shoulder. “Amy, oh my god, this cannot be happening.”
She didn’t stir.
He tried again, shaking her a little harder. “Amy, please, I’m begging you, wake up.”
Nothing.
Jake groaned, realizing he was on his own. The noises continued—soft at first, but then unmistakable. He felt his entire body cringe as he frantically yanked the covers over his head, pressing his hands against his ears. Maybe if he just thought about something else. Die Hard. Pizza. The worst places to get shot—definitely the butthole. Oh god, not helping.
Minutes passed. Then, finally, silence. Jake hesitated before slowly uncovering his ears, sighing in relief. It was over. He had survived. That relief lasted about five minutes.
"shit, Rosa, just like that."
Jake let out an exhausted whimper before turning onto his side, grabbing the nearest pillow, and stuffing it over his head. If he could die right now, that would be fantastic.
-
Jake sat at the kitchen table, staring blankly at the bowl of cereal in front of him, spoon in hand but unmoving. His eyelids drooped, his head nearly nodding off into the milk. Every bone in his body ached from lack of sleep, and his soul felt… damaged.
A hand suddenly clapped his shoulder, jolting him awake. “Why so tired, boo?” Gina slid into the seat beside him, smirking. “Did you and Amy have some fun last night?”
Jake groaned, rubbing his face. “No,” he muttered. “But other people did.”
Gina raised an eyebrow before realization dawned. Her eyes widened, her mouth forming a silent ‘oh’ before she grinned. “Oh. OH. Oh wow.” Before Gina could say anything else, the culprits of his suffering strolled into the kitchen.
Maddy and Rosa walked in together, Rosa’s arm lazily draped over Maddy’s shoulders, both looking refreshed and well-rested, which Jake thought was absolutely unfair. They grabbed breakfast, joining the rest of the squad at the table as everyone slowly trickled in. Conversation turned to plans for the day—surfing, lounging on the beach, maybe grilling for dinner—until Gina cleared her throat loudly, getting everyone’s attention.
“So,” she started, eyes gleaming with mischief. “How’d everyone sleep last night?”
Maddy reached for the coffee pot, not looking up as she responded, “Pretty good.”
Jake, meanwhile, stared daggers into his cereal, praying that if he focused hard enough, he could teleport away from this conversation. Gina, not one to let things slide, smirked. “Really? ‘Cause according to Jake, it doesn’t sound like you two got much sleep.”
At that, Rosa raised an eyebrow and turned to Maddy, clearly confused. Maddy gave her a look. It took a second, but then Rosa’s expression shifted. “Oh…” she murmured before smirking. She turned her gaze to Jake. “Were you listening or something?”
Jake’s head snapped up. “No! No, I wasn’t trying to! You guys were just so loud!”
Maddy laughed, completely unbothered. “I beg to differ.”
Jake scoffed. “Yeah, well, you were definitely begging last night too.” Rosa, mid-sip of her coffee, choked. Maddy smacked Jake’s arm, but she was grinning, a light blush dusting her cheeks. Jake huffed dramatically, shoving another spoonful of cereal into his mouth. “I was suffering last night, and none of you care.”
Amy, finally awake enough to register the conversation, furrowed her brow as she stirred sugar into her coffee. “Wait… what’s going on?”
Jake turned to her, eyes wide with betrayal. “Oh, now you wake up?”
Amy blinked. “Wake up from what?”
Maddy smirked, taking a bite of her toast. “Oh, just from Jake’s trauma-filled night.”
Amy frowned at her boyfriend, then at Gina, who was barely containing her laughter. “Okay, clearly I missed something.”
Jake shot a glare at Maddy and Rosa, who were clearly enjoying his suffering far too much. “Oh, you missed something alright. You missed the worst night of my life.”
Amy narrowed her eyes in confusion before realization dawned. “Wait… oh my god.” She looked between Maddy and Rosa, who were still looking way too smug, then back at Jake.
“Oh no.”
Jake dropped his spoon into his bowl dramatically. “Oh yes.”
Amy snorted, covering her mouth to stifle her laugh. “Oh my god, Jake, are you seriously this upset over it?”
Jake turned to his wife, scandalized. “Amy! They ruined my innocence!”
Gina cackled. “Jake, you haven’t been innocent a day in your life.”
Boyle, who was still a beat behind, suddenly gasped. “Wait. Were they… you know?” He made a series of vague gestures with his hands, as if trying to mime something inappropriate but failing miserably.
Maddy rolled her eyes. “Yes, Boyle. We know.”
Rosa simply smirked. “Next time, try sleeping with noise-canceling headphones, Peralta.”
Jake threw his hands up. “Or, OR, you two could try being quiet!”
Maddy grinned, leaning back in her chair, looking entirely unbothered. “Eh. No promises.”
Jake groaned in defeat, pushing his cereal away.
“Oh, don’t be so dramatic, babe,” Amy said, patting his shoulder. “It’s not the first time you’ve heard other people—”
Jake clamped his hands over his ears. “NOPE. NOPE. Not finishing that sentence.” The entire table burst into laughter, with Jake still grumbling about how unfair life was. Maddy and Rosa exchanged an amused glance, and Rosa smirked, leaning over to whisper something in Maddy’s ear. Maddy chuckled softly before taking another bite of her toast, looking all too pleased with herself.
Jake, catching the exchange, pointed a finger at them. “I swear to god, if I have to suffer again tonight—”
Maddy just winked.
-
It was later in the day, and Jake was finally starting to act somewhat normal again—well, as normal as he could after the horrors of last night. He was even managing to look Maddy in the eyes again, which was progress.
That didn’t last long.
As dinner time rolled around, Jake—wanting to avoid another round of teasing at the table—volunteered to go tell Maddy and Rosa that food was ready. It seemed like a safe, simple task. No risk, no danger. Just knock on the door, pass along the message, and leave. Easy.
Or, at least, it should have been.
Without thinking, Jake strode confidently down the hall, heading straight for their room. He knocked once—barely—before pushing the door open.
“Hey, guys, dinner’s—”
The words died in his throat.
Maddy's hair flicked over her shoulder as she sat up, still straddling Rosa's waist, staring sharply at Jake. Rosa sat up quickly as well, the pair caught completely off guard. The room was dimly lit, clothes were definitely not where they should have been, and from the way Rosa was gripping Maddy’s waist, it was very obvious that Jake had just made the biggest mistake of his life.
There was a moment—just a second—where nobody moved.
Then—
“AHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Jake screamed so loudly it could probably be heard from the beach. He slammed the door shut so fast it rattled on its hinges and sprinted down the hall like his life depended on it. Maddy and Rosa barely had time to react before they heard him crashing into furniture in his desperate attempt to get away.
By the time Jake reached the kitchen, he was out of breath, wide-eyed, and looking like he’d just seen a ghost. He came to a screeching halt in front of the squad, who all turned to stare at him.
Amy frowned, lowering her drink. “Jake? What—”
Jake just shook his head. “Nope. Nope, nope, nope.”
Boyle blinked. “Wait, what happened?”
Gina, already smirking, leaned forward. “Oh, this is gonna be good.”
Jake threw his arms out dramatically. “I walked in on Maddy and Rosa!”
There was a beat of silence. Then Gina burst out laughing. Boyle’s mouth fell open. “Like… walked in, walked in?”
“YES, CHARLES,” Jake cried, throwing his hands up. “I saw things!”
Amy winced, but couldn’t hide her amusement. “Oh, Jake…”
Gina wiped away tears. “This is the best thing that’s ever happened.”
Before Jake could continue ranting, footsteps echoed down the hallway. A few seconds later, Maddy and Rosa casually strolled into the kitchen, looking far too smug for Jake’s comfort. Maddy, completely unbothered, grabbed a plate and started serving herself. “So, dinner’s ready?”
Jake gaped at her. “That’s all you have to say!?”
Rosa smirked, taking a seat at the table. “What do you want us to say, Peralta?”
“I don’t know! Maybe sorry for traumatizing me?” Jake groaned, rubbing his hands down his face.
"Nah, I think you should be apologizing for interrupting my flow." Rosa said, leaning back in her chair, Jake glaring at her.
Maddy bit back a laugh. “I mean… you did barge in without knocking.”
“I knocked!”
“No, you tapped the door and immediately opened it,” Rosa corrected, sipping her drink. “That’s on you, buddy.”
Jake looked to Amy for help, but she just gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. “Maybe next time, wait for an answer before going in.”
Maddy smiled, clearly enjoying every second of this. “Lesson learned, huh?”
Jake groaned again, dropping his head onto the table. “I hate this trip.”
Gina grinned. “I love this trip.”
The squad barely had time to settle before Gina leaned forward with a wicked grin. “So, Jake… what exactly did you see?”
Jake groaned, looking to Terry, the one person he thought would have to be on his side. “Sarge, please tell them to stop.”
Terry, who had been calmly eating his food this entire time, just shook his head. “Sorry, man. You walked into this one. Literally.”
“This is the worst day of my life.” Jake practically shouted. “I want to erase it from my memory! I want to go back to when Rosa was scary and mean and didn’t have a girlfriend! And when Maddy was just my sweet, innocent childhood friend who I hadn’t seen half naked.”
Maddy gasped dramatically, pressing a hand to her chest. “Excuse me? Are you implying that I make Rosa less scary?”
Jake gestured wildly at the two of them. “YES! Look at you two! You’re all… soft! Rosa literally had her arm around you at breakfast! She never used to do that!”
Rosa, unimpressed, just took a bite of her food. “You’re just mad because now I have someone to bully you with.”
Boyle nodded solemnly. “It’s true. They’ve teamed up.”
Jake groaned, flopping back against his chair. “This is a nightmare.”
Maddy grinned, reaching for Rosa’s hand under the table. “Awww, poor Jakey.”
“Don’t call me that right now.”
Gina, still smirking, leaned over and ruffled Jake’s hair. “Face it, boo. You walked in, you saw, and now you suffer.” Jake let out a long, defeated sigh before dropping his head back onto the table. Maddy smiled at Rosa, who squeezed her hand in return. Yeah, this trip was definitely going to be fun.