Alice, it's the MCU!

Watching Tony laser half his workshop to pieces was a real gas, but watching the triangle thingy glow brighter than the sun was even more interesting.

“That was easy,” Tony muttered, shutting off the laser thingy. He walked over to the circle thingy the triangle thingy was mounted inside, took off his safety glasses, and scrutinized it closely, before pulling it out with a pair of pliers.

“Congratulations, sir,” JARVIS said. “You have created a new element.”

“Call it fartium,” Alice suggested.

“Okay,” Tony said, slotting the triangle thingy into a new arc reactor casing specifically designed for it.

“Really?!” Alice said.

“Hell no,” Tony said. The reactor started glowing neon blue and beeping rapidly.

“Sir, the reactor has accepted the modified core,” JARVIS announced. “I will begin running diagnostics.”

“Cool, great, I gotta go take a shower,” Tony said.

“A shower?” Alice asked.

“…Yeah. I just spent hours building a particle accelerator in the comfort of my own home, I’m drenched in sweat.” Tony narrowed his eyes at Alice. “What do you think Pepper will say if I come flying in to save her and I smell like a high school locker room?”

“Good point!” Alice said. Tony went upstairs to shower, while Alice amused herself by going over to the 1974 Expo model and pretending to pretend she was Godzilla, imagining herself stomping it and screaming a triumphant monster roar before unleashing a hellish rain of radioactive fire from her gullet.

“Hey, no having fun down here!” Tony ordered, entering the room wearing a robe and instantly understanding what Alice was up to.

“You’re mean,” Alice sulked. “Alright, gonna suit up?”

Tony nodded, a determined look on his face as he grabbed the new arc reactor and ejected the old one.

“Sir!” JARVIS said, attempting to protest.

“You wanna run some tests, run ‘em,” Tony said, pounding the new arc reactor into place, and for the first time Alice noticed the nasty black lines had their point of origin in his reactor port. “And assemble the suit while you’re at it,” he added. “Put it together now.”

“We are unclear as to the effects —” There was a sudden chiming sound. “…Incoming call with a blocked number,” JARVIS said.

“Damn, that motherfucker works fast,” Alice grumbled. “Alright, put him through, Jenga.” The line opened up and Alice grinned. “Hey Ivan! How’s things, buddy?”

“…Super Soldier asshole,” he grumbled. “Is Tony there?”

Alice looked over to Tony, who was making a face like he was wrestling with passing a massive turd and muttering something about coconut and metal. “Well, he can hear you, but he just ate a bunch of saltines so he can’t talk right now.”

Vanko snorted. “Hey, Tony, how you doing?” he said. “I double cycle.”

“Huh?” Alice asked.

“He told me double cycle’s more power,” Vanko clarified. “Good advice.”

Alice swatted Tony on the back of his head. “What did I fucking say, Tony? Don’t give the bad guys tips for their next killing spree!” She turned back to the computer screen, where JARVIS had had the wherewithal to begin a trace (not that Alice or Tony needed it). “Hey, I’ve… I’ve been taking care of your bird,” she said.

“Irina?” Vanko asked, surprised.

Upon hearing her name, the bird squawked and flew over, landing on Alice’s shoulder. Alice’s body froze with terror, but she forced herself to speak. “Oh, I-I didn’t know h-her name. It’s b-beautiful.”

“I am going to miss her,” Vanko said, wistful. “But now, the true history of Stark name will be written.”

“Hey, why not, uh, give up your insane quest to get revenge with a killing spree at Stark Expo, and just get regular revenge by killing Tony?” Alice suggested. “Come out to Malibu, see your bird again, maybe… maybe you and Tony could talk it out? Maybe you two could be friends?”

“I think not,” Vanko said. “What Tony’s father did to my family over 40 years, I will do to him in 40 minutes. And you… you take good care of Irina, eh? Maybe not all Super Soldiers are assholes.” The call disconnected.

Alice looked over to Tony, who had fully recovered from the reactor — and in fact the reactor had somehow leeched out the poison saturating Tony’s body, the black lines emanating from the reactor port already faded into nonexistence. “Remember what you said about Vanko’s potential choice of buyers for an arc reactor?” Tony said. He gestured to the Stark Expo’s main webpage, an article about a presentation Justin Hammer would be giving that night. “I think I have a damn good idea about where we’ll find Vanko.”

“Aw, Justin, you Ninja Turtle henchman asshole, why’d it have to be you?” Alice grumbled.

“You keep mentioning these Ninja Turtles,” Tony asked. “What are those?”

“Uh, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?” Alice asked. “One of the coolest fucking superhero movies/shows/etc. ever?”

Tony shook his head. “Never heard of it.”

A very thoughtful look crossed Alice’s face, as her mind pondered Tony’s statement. “Interesting,” she finally said. “So, when’re we going to New York?”

“I am going to New York in just a few minutes, once I get my suit on,” Tony said, pointing to the place where he was going to be suited up. “You, being a flightless mammal, are going to stay here, unfortunately.”

“What, no piggyback rides?” Alice asked, aghast. “Oh, wait, let me suit up!” Alice ran to her purse and pulled out two items. The first was a pink T-shirt with the image of two surge protectors in the middle, forming the shape of a heart. “I got this at a mall nearby. It has a place where you can get custom T-shirt designs done! Isn’t that great?!”

“I… I can’t believe it,” Tony uttered, awestruck by how horribly tacky it was.

“And I got this from a military surplus store!” Alice plopped an old-timey leather pilot’s helmet onto her head, fastening it under her chin. “I can slide the goggles down when we’re flying together!”

“I was unaware there was still surplus equipment to be had from World War I,” Tony said. “And… no. Just… this is completely awful. I have to make you a better suit soon. You… you actually want to go out in public like this?”

“I’ll 100% dress up like a clown if it means I get to do cool superhero shit and save peoples’ lives,” Alice responded. “So, come on, piggyback?”

Tony sighed and massaged the bridge of his nose. “…Against my better judgment, which I had no idea even existed until now… okay, fine.” He pointed a stern finger at her. “But I don’t want to hear any complaints about it being too cold, or you’re eating too many bugs, or it’s too windy, or anything like that, alright? I hear one whine from you, I’m landing and dumping your ass. I don’t care if I have to leave you in a cowpatch in the middle of Kansas, alright?”

Alice saluted. “Yessir!” she said.

Tony sighed again. “Alright, let’s get this over with.” He proceeded to the area where he was to be suited up, with Alice squealing in delight over her first official superhero mission.

***

Happy pulled up to the Stark Expo’s main pavillion where Hammer’s presentation was going to take place. He got out intending to open the door for Pepper, but Natalie beat him to the punch, exasperating him a little. “I’ll keep the car down here, alright?” he told them.

“Thank you, Happy,” Pepper said. She shot another wary glance at her assistant. “I’m still not sure why you’re wearing that trenchcoat, Natalie. You look like some kind of spy.” She smiled at her own joke.

“Got word of a possible threat to the Expo, Miss Potts,” Natalie said, only she didn’t sound like Natalie. “Ivan Vanko might still be alive.”

Pepper stopped for a second. “…Excuse me, what? Got word from who?”

“…I’m not at liberty to say, ma’am,” Natalie — Natasha — said.

“…Oh my God, are you a spy? First Alice, now you? Please tell me you’re at least with SHIELD,” she begged.

Natasha nodded. “I was originally intended to be Tony’s assistant, but plans changed at the last minute and I was assigned to you instead.”

“You people are… are crazy, you know that?” Pepper scolded. “It was nice, for a while there, to actually have an assistant, you know? And you were a really good assistant! …This is all because of Tony, isn’t it? Even when he’s not doing anything, he still throws my life into chaos!” She took several deep, calming breaths, before turning and marching up the stairs into the pavillion.

Natasha kept up with her. “You still plan on attending Hammer’s presentation?” she asked.

“You have your obligations, Miss Rushman — or whoever you are — and I have mine,” Pepper said. “If I don’t make an appearance at Hammer’s presentation, Fox News will be calling me names a lot worse than ‘pinhead’ tomorrow.”

Natasha leaned in and murmured, “You know, I can arrange a little —”

Pepper held up one hand. “No! No murder and mayhem!”

“I had absolutely no intentions along those lines,” Natasha insisted, giving Pepper an innocent smile.

Pepper chuckled despite herself. “Okay… maybe I’ll keep my options open,” she joked. They arrived at their seats and sat down.

As the music began and Hammer danced his way onstage, Natasha leaned in to Pepper once more. “Natasha Romanoff,” she said in a low voice.

Pepper glanced her way and smiled. “A pleasure to meet you, Miss Romanoff.”

***

Hammer stood amidst his drones and the shining centerpiece that was the War Machine armor, one of the greatest moments of his life. “For America and its allies, Hammer Industries is reporting for —”

The roar of the Iron Man’s repulsors cut him off, and within moments the Iron Man landed on the stage, Surge Protector riding the armor like it was a pony. “Hi everyone!” Alice called out to the crowd, smiling and waving. She walked over to Hammer and snatched the headset off his head. “I just flew cross country on Tony’s armor, and I ate probably a thousand bugs. It was awesome! Bugs are super underestimated as a source of protein in — hey!”

Hammer had seized his handset back and tried taking back a modicum of control. “Hey, alright, yeah!” he called out. “Iron Man! And Surge Protector!”

Alice followed him, letting Tony fill Rhodey in on shit. “Hey, Justin, quick Q for ya,” she said in a low voice. “All these killer robots — are they, like, active?”

Hammer covered up his microphone. “No, they’re just…” He gritted his teeth together, looking pained. “…demonstrationmodels. They can salute, that’s just about it.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” Alice said, still giving the killer robots the side-eye and contemplating just thrashing the shit out of them on general principle.

Iron Man approached Hammer. “Where is he?” he asked.

“What?” Hammer responded.

“Where’s Vanko?” Tony specified.

“…Who?” Hammer bluffed (badly).

Alice once more grabbed the headset off Hammer’s head. “Hey, everyone, let’s give Justin Hammer a big round of applause!” The audience complied with scattered cheers to boot. “He hired a known terrorist and got a man killed breaking said terrorist out of prison!” The crowd’s enthusiasm died out pretty fucking quickly. “So, we’ll need everyone to make a nice, orderly exit — stand up calmly, walk to the doors, don’t trample anyone to death or so help me God I’ll break your legs —”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Rhodey said. (Alice heard him say this because Tony gave her an earpiece. This wasn’t important enough to actually put into the story anywhere, so here you go). His shoulder minigun abruptly activated, aiming right at Tony.

“Is that you?!” Tony asked, alarmed.

“No, that’s — I’m not doing that!” Rhodey said, alarmed. “That’s not me!”

“Shitballs, he’s being hacked!” Alice said. She ran past Rhodey and tackled one of the robots, tearing its head off just as the rest of its fellow droids raised their arms in hostility. Rhodey shouted a warning about being compromised just as Tony alit into the sky.

“Let’s take it outside!” Tony said, rocketing away, drawing the drones’ fire.

Alice had the foresight to grab the gun of the drone she’d downed and aimed it at the one next to her; its gun triggered at the same time the rest of theirs did, the bullets tearing the drone to pieces. Meanwhile, the gunfire shattered the pavillion’s glass ceiling, sending broken shards of glass down onto the fleeing audience.

“No… nooooo!” Rhodey called out, as the War Machine armor took flight in pursuit of Tony, followed by a shitload of drones.

A bunch of drones remained earthbound, however, and now all their attention was focused on Alice. “Uh, hi?” she said, giving them a small wave. “Would it help if I said some of my best friends are AIs?”

“…Super Soldier asshole,” Vanko’s voice uttered, projecting simultaneously from speakers on each of the droids. “You do not have to be part of this. Leave. Now.”

“Ivan, Ivan, Ivan,” Alice said, tone filled with regret. “If you won’t abandon your mad, blood-splattered quest to avenge your father’s name, what makes you think I’ll abandon my equally mad quest to save the lives of innocent people?”

Vanko snorted. “Fair enough. Goodbye, Alice.” Several of the drones advanced menacingly towards her, while the rest began to lumber outside to sow more murder and mayhem.

Alice punched one of the drones directly. “Oh SHIT that hurt!” she hissed, her hand throbbing in pain. (Guess you can’t punch through steel, Alice!) (Or whatever the hell alloy the drones are made from). The drone proceeded to try to punch through her, but she dodged the blow and used the momentum from the strike to hurl the droid at one of its partners. “Sorry, Ivan, but your killer robots are shit at hand to hand!” she shouted out.

“Good point,” Vanko said through the remaining droids. They proceeded to aim their shoulder-mounted rocket launchers at her, and Alice realized they meant to blow her up along with themselves.

So, she simply decided to not be there anymore. She quickly climbed up onto one of the robots themselves, launching herself in a terrific jump as the trio of droids blew themselves to pieces, the explosion pushing Alice halfway across the pavillion, collapsing several of the seats as she landed on them. “Man, zombies never fucking shot at you,” she grumbled, before running outside.

The droids there had begun firing their ordnance into the fleeing civilians, so Alice ran forward, ripped the head off another droid, and aimed its launchers at its brothers, obliterating two more of the robots. That drew the droids’ attention once more, and again Alice was forced to play cat and mouse, with her as the mouse. She relished every second of this dance with metallic death — every rocket and bullet fired her way meant another person or handful of people who got to go home that night, instead of to a morgue.

She was only partially paying attention to the comm link — Natasha had apparently squeezed Hammer for Vanko’s location (Hammer HQ, big shocker there) and Tony was leading the airborne droids and Rhodey’s hijacked suit away from the Expo and, hopefully, any potential collateral damage.

“Listen, listen,” Rhodey said at one point. “A pack just peeled off, they’re headed back to the Expo!”

“Shit, they’re probably mad at me for killing a bunch of their chums!” Alice chimed in.

“…How are you killing the Hammeroids?” Tony asked. “Did you find a bazooka?”

“Well, the funny thing about killer robots with machine guns and rocket launchers is that nobody expects someone to just run up and rip their heads off,” Alice said with a chuckle.

“Abernathy, you’re either gutsy as hell, or crazier than I thought,” Tony said. “And I already thought you were pretty damn crazy.”

“I’m not crazy!” Alice insisted. “My life has just been rife with incredibly unlikely bullshit, and nobody believes me when I tell them about it!” In the distance, she could see the glow of the flying killer robots’ jets, zeroing in on her like nobody’s business. “Oh shit, here they come!” She abandoned fighting the droids on the outside as the air droids chased after Alice with streams of machine gun fire, Alice taking dubious sanctuary inside the pavillion once more.

She found herself staring down three more droids, at a distance, each aiming their machine gun arms at her. Vanko had kept a handful of droids in reserve, and Alice had forgotten about them, to her extreme detriment. Behind the three, another five took to the sky, out for Tony’s blood.

Alice had moments left before the droids cut her down. Alright, I’m supposed to have psychic powers, right? she thought to herself. And they haven’t manifested yet, because… because I’m only somewhat recently infected with the… the whatever it is I have. But it’s been, what, ten days? Assuming I was infected the day I… arrived, or what fucking ever. That should be enough time for SOMEthing to manifest, right?

She mentally reached out and pulled.

One of the droids flew gracelessly towards her.

“Shit!” Alice yelped, diving down as the killer robot nearly slammed into her. The sound of gunfire erupted, filling the air where she’d just been, the bullets obliterating the hapless drone Alice had just Force-pulled her way.

“…How did you do that?” Vanko wondered aloud through the speakers.

“Ivan, buddy, I have psychic powers,” Alice said, standing up and grinning savagely. Now that her psychic powers had returned, she could feel Ivan’s gaze on her as if he was standing right in front of her. She once more reached out and began to squeeze. “And I can fucking kill people with my mind.”

The connection abruptly ceased before she could do more than give him a nasty headache. “AUTONOMOUS MODE ENABLED,” the robots facing her rumbled. Vanko had rightly deduced that having eyes on Alice just wasn’t worth it.

Alice cackled. “You’re too fucking clever, Ivan!” she shouted out aloud. “But without you guiding your robots manually, they’re easy fucking pickings!” She ran forward almost faster than the robots could track, before delivering a mighty jumping spin kick, managing to knock both robots’ heads off with a single blow. “SUUUUUURGE FUCKIN’ PROTECTORRRRRR!” she bellowed triumphantly.