why I chose

Red hair flying in the wind, hands impatient,

Chalk ridden footsteps on the pavement,

Soft laughs and shuffling card games,

Broken sobs and hugs with a burrowed face.

I didn't know how many cards,

Were missing from that pack we had.

Until I broke us apart,

When I was still a wee lad.

I still feel the self-recrimination,

It hasn't left me yet.

I still know the counter-actions,

You took to separate me from your life, cause I read

Through every line, through every chance,

Of us no longer dancing friendship's dance,

And I made the choice with that in mind, let it be known:

And yet I still don't know why I chose.

I say it was because I care,

I say it was because I ran,

I say so many things, and nothing at all;

I say, I say, I say… I lost.

So I hid, and when I spoke, it was in words I did not believe,

I had bowed to a Lord once, and now I could not leave.

There were still some traitorous thoughts, some silent words,

But do they count when they remain unheard?

Somewhere in the middle of nothing;

Of tip-toeing days and bereft words,

I saw a sharp spark of something,

Within gray eyes I had only known to curse.

I tried to ignore it, and at first it wasn't that hard;

I only needed to look into them to feel the old days return to haunt.

Days where a different black haired boy's words and wand,

Let loose the dark that left its mark.

But the boy persisted, utterly earnest,

And I couldn’t help but look past his countenance,

And as sure as pomegranate can be counted on,

To turn the Draught's color a red otherwise hard won,

My thought to just make, an exception this one day,

Flew off the cliffs of not giving a damn,

Landing to many warmer nights,

And small, there-and-gone smiles.

There were oddities, of course, as there always were;

One did not live my life and find sane people.

But I was alright, everything was alright,

For Black- no, Rigel's -passion was bright.

I could look past it all, if it just meant,

I could keep this bond despite my temperament.

For though I had long pretended not to care,

I, too, had noticed my softer words and fond stares.

So what if the child was stubborn, bull-headed,

What if he landed in as much and more trouble,

Took pains and still failed to avoid the politics bubble,

So what if he did the same things I had done in my youth,

The ones I had sworn not to repeat?

I was somewhere new, by Merlin, I could feel,

Whether it was rain or drought or storm, I'd weather,

But the absence of this tether, I couldn't bear any longer.

And so everything else was fine, I said,

To myself again and again,

Unbeknownst, however, was the thought:

If this is all I am, what Fate have I wrought?

If Rigel's grins and shrugs and frowns were all I had,

All that kept me alive, all that made me smile,

Where was I?

I didn't know, and so I ignored.

The boy did me proud to the very end,

Despite several madmen and their involvement.

I thought, just maybe, we had a chance,

Maybe I could still dance.

But there was too much enroute, always,

Lies and secrets and narrow passageways.

I kept thinking just one day more,

Maybe just maybe, it'll be good, what's in store.

Maybe I wouldn't have to push through those walls,

Maybe I wouldn't need to know beyond this at all.

Maybe I could walk with my head held high still,

If he doesn't know me either, we'll make it, we will.

But maybe those thousand unspoken words came back to jab,

Because once again, I lost everything— all I ever had.

I'd given myself over to a person, reveling in the immersion,

And now aren't I so glad?

In the darkest of moments, came rumination,

Maybe for all my disgust of sentimentality, I put,

Too much faith in the ideal of a person.

For I could have sworn, not long ago, when he had me bought;

There was nothing more there that concerned me at all.

I could have sworn he'd have told me if there was, and there it was:

I never knew him at all.

And though the pieces reconstructed afterwards,

Though I learned maybe it wasn't all that,

Just the one lie and rest consequential words,

I'd never go that route, never be that mad,

And take the chance of handing over my life to another lad.

They were fallible, they were always fallible,

As I had been to a redhead girl I promised worlds.

I could take it in hand, I snapped at myself.

If my life's reins were difficult to grab,

Would I just give up in the face of their spite?

And though I had never thought it possible,

Though it had been too long,

I realized I used the word "too" too often,

And in this world, my problems were startlingly small.

It wasn't hard, after that; not at all.

When I met him next, I was happy;

And for once the emotion was my own,

I had not given another the reins,

Waiting for sunlight to reach me home.

I would have been at peace regardless, for I had sworn;

I wouldn't forsake what was my own.

And so the meeting felt ten times lighter,

His apologies waved off in favor of relaxing banter.

I told him I understood, showed him some of me;

This time with no expectation, no fear to flee.

And saw in his reaction, the true nature of my company.

Time passed, life moved on, and so did we;

He was my student, then apprentice, then child—

The target of my irate and pleased soliloquies.

When he stumbled I'd be there with a word or a silent balm,

I'd let him know he was just as human as us all.

And when it got too much, I'd remind myself of my discovery,

I'd take a deep breath, and tell myself that I'm free.

There can be falls, there can be disasters,

To be troubled, to be dependant,

There can always be a thousand and one reasons;

But I've been there, done that.

And now that I'm here,

I'm never going back.