There's This Girl...

Regulus~

The second Regulus got outside of the common room staircase he felt the tears fight their way to his cheeks. He’d told himself he wouldn’t cry over James when they’d first stopped talking. Merlin, now it feels like all he ever does is cry over James and how he’d managed to fuck that up too. Though this time he had no idea why he wanted to cry. James was trying for him, he fought for him, he went against a gryffindor for him. He’d proved all of Regulus’ doubts wrong. So why’d Regulus run? Why’d he act like James fighting for him was horrible, when all he’d ever wanted was for someone to fight for him? Someone finally saw him as worthy to fight for… and he ran. Merlin, he felt like a god giving up immortality. So in other words, a fool… for lack of a better word.

Regulus scratched at his cheeks harshly, begging whatever god was watching over him to give him a little slack. When the common room door opened he expected Pandora or Remus to be there, giving him a disappointed look as if he had any control over the way James made his heart jump through hurdles.

“Reggie…” James called softly to him, not taking a seat next to him.

“What?” Regulus bit back, cursing himself immediately after. Why can’t he just let himself enjoy the small pieces of James that he’s giving to him.

“I’m sorry… I thought you’d want me to stick up for you.” I did, Regulus screams back at him in his head. I did, I did, I did.

“Maybe stop thinking, you’re not very good at it.” Regulus replied.

“Reg, I’m sorry-”

“What do you want?” Regulus cut him off.

“Well… I wanted to apologise but also, you know it was just really brave, fighting back against him like that-”

“I’m not a child, I don’t need a gold star for learning how to speak up for my needs.” Regulus glared at him, “What do you actually want?”

James finally sat down beside him. Regulus wanted to press himself to him. “I’ve missed you.” James sighed, running a hand down his face. “I reckon you’ve missed me too though.” James looked down at him, his eyes searching Regulus’ for the truth.

“You don’t get to miss me.” Regulus ignored his second comment.

“Why’s that?” James asked.

“You have no reason to.” Regulus answered.

“I- you think I don’t have a reason? Reg, I’ve been lucky to see you in the hallways. I’ve been considering a good day, the days I catch you smiling at someone… though those are also my bad days because you’re never smiling at me. I have all the reason to miss you.” James looked over at Regulus with glassy eyes, “Did you really not miss me?”

“Not at all. Also, that’s not a valid reason.” Regulus bit the inside of his cheek, holding back the quiver in his lip.

“Not at all? No- No don’t say that, Reggie. Please don’t say that.” James looked like his last bit of hope had been crushed.

“What do you want, James.” Regulus asked again.

“I told you… I just missed you, I thought you did too and I guess I just thought that-”

“Stop saying you missed me. You didn’t miss me, stop saying it-”

“You can’t say what I felt… what I feel.” James cut him off.

“Feel? You’re sitting right next to me.” Regulus rolled his eyes.

“Reggie… you’re not even looking at me. Godrick, you’re sitting right next to me and I miss you more than ever.” James told him, looking betrayed.

“That makes no sense.” Regulus brushed him off.

James scoffed, not at Regulus, at himself. “Yeah, it wouldn’t to you.” James looked down at his hands, picking at his nails.

“And why’s that?” Regulus retorted.

“Because-” James let out a sharp breath, “Because I fucking love you, Regulus. I love you and you didn’t even miss me. And- and I’m just now realising how much I grossly overestimated my spot in your life.” James wiped at his eyes.

Regulus was stuck looking at him in shock, “You don’t love me.” Regulus spat.

“What? You can’t tell me who I do and do not love.” James defended himself but the look in his eyes told Regulus that he could make him change all his beliefs in a second.

“No, I can’t but I can tell you that you can’t love me because you don’t know me, James.” Regulus explained.

“I don’t know you? You think I don’t know you? Regulus, I’ve spent the past six years of my life trying to know you from afar because you wouldn’t let me get close. Godrick, Regulus… I spent the second half of first year dying to meet you. Sirius had told me so much and all I could think of was how well we’d get on. I’ve spent years dying to get to know you and picking up on anything you’d give me. Don’t tell me I don’t know you, Reggie.” James complained. Regulus felt his heart contract knowing James didn’t mean any of the things he was saying or didn’t understand it.

“Just because you’ve convinced yourself that I mean some deep profound thing to you, doesn’t mean it’s real.” Regulus combat him, begging himself not to cry.

“Why won’t you let me love you? Why do you think it’s so fucking impossible for me to love you?” James asked, slightly raising his voice.

“Because you don’t love me, James! You have no idea what it’s like to love me! You don’t understand half the things the people who do love me have to go through! Don’t sit here and tell me you love me as if I don’t know what loving me looks like!” Regulus yelled.

“Explain it to me then! Seeing as you think I’m incapable of knowing my own feelings, explain what it is to love you!” James screamed back.

“It’s not as rosy as you’re painting it out to be, it’s painful and it’s hard! People who love me don’t get it easy, they have to deal with all my ups and downs and I can assure you, Potter, there are more downs then there ever are ups!” Regulus wiped at his cheeks. “I’m not Sirius, James! I- Loving me doesn’t come as easy as it does him…” Regulus stopped yelling, “Loving Sirius is easy, Salazar, it comes naturally. Oh, but loving me is hard… you have to realise how impossible it is for you to look at me right now and tell me you love me when I know that there is no way it’s come to you that easy.” Regulus looked up at James with bloodshot eyes.

“Easy? Merlin, Reg, loving you hasn’t been easy… spending years watching you give all these other people time in your day while I watched from the sidelines. It wasn’t easy when the one time you gave me attention was just because I was the key to getting some girl who you still won’t tell me the real identity of… because I know it isn’t Emmeline.” James breathed out harshly.

“Merlin, James! There was no girl, don’t you get it! There wasn’t a girl… I just wanted to be near you…” Regulus admitted.

“What?” James looked over at him, his eyes blown wide. “You wanted to be near me… but you don’t want to anymore…” James stuttered out through shallow breaths.

“What? When did I say that?” Regulus defended.

“Well you’re pulling out everything to convince me not to love you, I think it’s fair to assume you don’t want me.” James sat down on the stairs, looking out at the moving staircases around them. “I wish you’d told me… I wish I could’ve got to you before I did whatever it was I did to stop you from wanting me around. Obviously, I know that whatever comes next is probably for the better because that’s how life works. Each step is necessary but I really, really, don’t want this next step. Merlin, I’d give anything to stop the next step… to erase the last ten steps and get back to when you wanted me around.” James pushed his fingers through his hair, Regulus caught a glimpse of his cheeks wet with tears. “Honestly, I don’t know how to feel right now. I can’t stop thinking about how I’m finding out you don’t want and at one point really wanted me, in the exact same moment. I feel like these were things I should’ve found out on separate occasions…. At least then I would have enjoyed the first one for a moment.” James stifled out a sad laugh. “Except, here I am. And there you are telling me you don’t want me anymore when I didn’t even know you wanted me in the first place-”

“Stop saying I don’t want you!” Regulus couldn’t stop himself from cutting him off, needing James to stop repeating it. James looked up at him from the staircase with glistening eyes, Regulus let himself continue. “Stop saying I don’t want you when all I’ve ever wanted was you.” Regulus breathed out.

“Then what's stopping you.” James stated but his eyes begged.

“I may want you but you don’t want me. You think you want me but James, you have no idea what that means for you.” Regulus admitted.

James got up from the step, “You know what I think?”

“No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me.” Regulus quipped.

“I think you’re scared. I reckon you think you’re the only one who has some bad parts in their past.” James moved closer to him, stepping into his space. “Reg, you’re not the first person that’s had to struggle to be loved and you’re definitely not the first hurt person to need someone.”

“You have no idea what you’re say-”

“Reggie, I know you’ve been through things that have made you think that loving you is some hard job I can’t take on… but, just because you take you out of the equation doesn’t mean I’m not loving you. I think I’ll always love you. Even years after you’ve left me on this staircase alone, me and my heart will still be yours. You’ve left a permanent indent on me, Reg. I can’t just let that go.” James raised his hands to Regulus’ upper arms, holding him in place as if Regulus was about to run off. “You may think it’s hard to love you but trust me loving you is so much easier than losing you.” James said softly, his words grazing Regulus’ heart. Regulus let himself fall into James, pressing his face into his chest. James’ arms wrapped around him in an instant, forming a protective shield around him. “I take that as you saying you’re not leaving me?” James whispered by his ear.

“How could I ever leave you, Jamie.” Regulus sniffled, holding onto James. James guided him down to sit on the stairs with him, holding him in his arms. “Merlin, I tried to go and I barely lasted a month. I’m yours, James. There’s no way around that.”

“I love you.” James whispered. “You don’t have to love me because I know I’m moving proper fast,” James laughed, “I just want you to know I do.” James confessed.

“Je t'aime tellement plus que je ne peux l'expliquer. Donc, je n'essaierai pas du tout. Je vais juste vous montrer. Mon James. Mon soleil. Mon amour.” Regulus whispered back, holding on tightly to James.

“You gonna tell me what that means?” James asked, nuzzling his hair.

“Maybe.” Regulus replied, pushing himself closer to James, softening next to him. Salazar, Regulus was a sodding fool when it came to James… A fool that’ll hold onto him for as long as he can.