Chapter 12
James~
James felt like his whole body was on fire, running around the party looking for Lily desperately. It was like everyone he knew had just gotten up and left the party- oh, he can’t think of that. At one point he thought he spotted her hair but it ended up being some random dude flirting with Pandora. After making several rounds of the party and walking in on far too many make out sessions, he gave up. James made his way to the staircase to sit with the rest of the odd people there.
At the top of the staircase, some guy dressed in bejewelled leaves flirting with his also bejewelled hand. A few steps down from him, a girl with jet black hair sat smoking with shiny eyeshadow streaking down her cheeks. A few steps down from her, sat a boy in a fedora singing show tunes. At the bottom of the steps, a girl with ginger hair sat with her head in hands, crying.
James sat beside her and spoke in his softest voice, “Hey, are you okay?”
“I’m fine, please go away.” The girl slurred.
“Okay, I’ll go but do you have any friends I can go and find for you? I don’t want to leave you here alone.” He asked, keeping a distance between them.
“No, I’ll probably just fall in love with them like I always do - typical, right?” She laughed meanly.
“I’m not sure what you mean… can you please just tell me your friends names, so I can go find them?” James asked again.
“Yeah, just go searching for a tall bloke named Remus.” She slurred.
“Wait- Lily?” James questioned, suddenly feeling very stupid.
Lily looked up at him, her eyes wide and glassy. “James?”
“Lils, what's going on?” James moved closer to her.
“Nothing. I’m fine.” She lied.
“No, you’re not. What’s going on?” James opened his arms to her. Lily’s jaw clenched but she fell into James’ arms gripping the back of his shirt.
“I’m stupid, I’m so stupid.” She cried into his chest.
“What? No, you’re not. You’re like the smartest person I know.”
“Raise your expectations of smartness then.” Lily scoffed.
“If you give me a reason to, I will.” James decided.
“I kissed her.” Lily cried.
James felt everything in his mind shift. “What?” James asked.
“Mary… I kissed Mary…” Lily sobbed.
James pulled her in closer, “Did you not like it?”
“I did.” She admits.
“Then why are you here crying and not with her?” James asked, holding her close.
“I don’t think she liked it.” Like wiped at her eyes harshly.
“Did you kiss her or did she kiss you?”
“She kissed me.”
“Then why do you think she didn’t like it?”
“Because she laughed after it… told Marlene we were just joking around-” Lily coughed out another sob.
“Hey, hey… it’s okay, I’ve got you…” James pulled her closer, letting her cry into his chest.
“It’s not okay, nothings okay. You don’t get it.” James wanted to scream ‘Yes I do, Yes I do!” But obviously that wouldn’t be helpful.
“I know I don’t get it but I still know it’s going to be okay… if not now, one day.” James promised.
“I feel so stupid. I swear I used to make smarter decisions.” She laughed coldly.
“So… you like Mary?” James felt like it wasn’t the right question and it felt purely selfish but he had to ask.
“...for as long as I can remember knowing her…” Lily admitted. A selfish part of James felt betrayed, but the greater part felt… proud?
“I’m sorry. I know that’s hard… but, one day… maybe you’ll find someone else…” Lily nodded against his chest, “and that someone’s going to feel so good to be around… and- and you know, maybe you won’t even notice that you stopped feeling for her… and started feeling for them…” Lily sniffled, nodding again. “And you know, maybe when you realise it'll be soul crushing and maybe it’ll always feel soul crushing because you’re not meant to be with that person and it’ll never be…” Lily stopped nodding. “And maybe then… you’ll be sitting there reminiscing on your life with this person and realising you’ve liked them for ages and you just didn’t notice. And- and maybe it’ll hurt so much but it’s fine you know? It’s gonna be fine. Everythings going to be fine… it’s probably just going to suck a lot when you realise that’s the second person you’ll never have. But, of course it’ll be fine.”
“I think you’ve lost me.” Lily admitted, looking up at James.
“Yeah, I think I lost me too.” James agreed.
“Are you okay, James?” Lily asked, suddenly aware of him.
“Oh yeah, of course. Guess I’m just very empathetic today.” James smiled sadly down at her.
“Do you want to go back to the party? I’m fine here.” Lily assured.
“No, you know I’d never leave you here.” She smiled up at him, letting him pull her back into the comfort of his arms.
They stayed there like that for a few more minutes. James felt like crying but that’d be selfish, so he held it back. He couldn’t help that tears kept threatening to spill, his mind suddenly decided to point out every moment it was clear he felt things for Regulus. For Merlin's sake, it went all the way back to second year… Godrick, how couldn’t he tell?
He remembers it so well it might as well have happened yesterday. Sirius had bounded into their carriage all excitedly, Merlin, you wouldn’t even notice Reggie because of how much space Sirius had taken up… but James saw him. James saw him and he couldn’t take his eyes from him for the rest of the conversation. Sirius had bounded into this big speech tipping over into an introduction. He’d described his little brother as if he was the best thing to walk the Earth, just to push forward this 4 '3, skinny, little kid, who looked scared out of his mind. Remus was holding back a laugh but politely extended a hand to Regulus, he shook it cautionably. Peter was next to introduce himself, but at 12 - Peter was just as shy. It was the most awkward meeting James had ever witnessed. Then it was James’ turn but Regulus hadn’t made any move to talk to him. So, Sirius pushed him forward.
“James, this is Reggie!” Sirius exclaimed, nudging Regulus closer to James.
James had smiled at him but Regulus had just looked up at him, so small and shy. “Hey,” James extended his hand out to Regulus, “I've been dying to meet you! Sirius’ told me so much about you!” Regulus eyed his hand warily, “It’s okay, you don’t need to be shy.” James smiled his softest smile.
Regulus had smiled back up at him, it was small but James logged it to his memory. He reached out and hesitantly shook James’ hand, “I’m Alright.” Regulus said, immediately wincing at his bad response. James didn’t think it was bad, he logged that to his memory too.
“There’s a seat next to me, if you wanna sit?” James offered, gesturing to the seat next to him.
Regulus shook his head, “No, Sirius wants me to sit next to him.” Regulus replied, moving closer to his brother.
“That’s okay, I’ll just talk across to you.” James smiled. Regulus just gave him a small nod, pulling Sirius over to the seat opposite of James. Regulus barely spoke for the rest of the ride, but he replied anytime one of them spoke to him. James wanted to ask him a million questions but didn’t want to freak him out. Back then he’d just told himself it was just because he wanted his best friend’s brother to like him.
After Regulus got sorted into Slytherin, Sirius didn’t talk about him anymore, in fact he avoided him like the plague - which had resulted in Regulus coming to James, Remus and Peter asking about Sirius. Remus (out of solidarity) always ignored him, walked straight past him, as if he didn’t even hear him. Peter (out of awkwardness) would just give him a quick “I’m not sure, mate.” and run off. But James… Oh, James couldn’t do that. Every time he’d approached him to ask about his brother, James couldn’t help but tell him exactly what he wanted to hear. James told himself he just didn’t want to burn a bridge between him and Regulus because Sirius might change his mind and want Regulus back in his life. After a while, Regulus stopped approaching Remus and Peter, he only ever came to James. James liked that, he liked it a lot. He’d told himself it was just because he liked the company of Sirius so much, it’d just make sense for him to like the company of his younger brother. Eventually though, Regulus stopped trying all together… James still looked around for him, hoping he’d come ask another pointless question about Sirius.
By third year, Regulus was a ghost - James never saw him. You could barely spot him at meal times - it drove Sirius insane. It stayed that way up until he joined the quidditch team. James would see him at practice and games (always extending a greeting but only to ever get grunts back - still, he never stopped trying.) Regulus’ appearances were so haphazard, it was driving Sirius crazy, constantly scanning rooms for Regulus. He was never sure if he was taking care of himself properly, if he was alone, if he was doing good. Remus and Peter never understood why it bothered him so much. James did. James did because he was looking around too. He’d barely ever spoken to Regulus, only ever small little conversations but every single one had stuck out in his mind. He knew so little of him, maybe that’s why he always looked for him, he just wanted to know more.
Fourth year was the year Sirius snapped, he was doing everything he could to close the gap between him and Regulus… and for a while he’d gotten what he wanted. So, James saw more of Regulus, granted it wasn’t much more but it was a lot to him. Conversations with Regulus have always been a thing James would have to push to get. Regulus does this thing (he always has) where he won’t come to you first, unless he’s certain that he’s wanted by you. For some reason though, with James - he’s never believed he was really wanted, no matter how many times James approached him. So, although Regulus was around much more in fourth year - it was only for Sirius. James would have to push himself into the conversation just to get Regulus to acknowledge him. Normally that would be irritating… but, with Regulus, James found it thrilling. Regulus was capable of making his day so much better, even though Regulus in his third year was fully embodying his gothic teenage anger - James loved it.
Fifth year was when it all went to shit… but before it went to shit, it was so, so, good. Regulus (in his fourth year) had begun wearing black eyeliner, and no one seemed to even be affected by it. Oh, but not James, not James at all. James was affected. It was like magnetism, pulling him to him. He HAD to go near him as much as possible, had to go and say the most meaningless things to Regulus at all times just to get his attention. Even though the attention he got from him was normally angry glares… Godrick, James lived for that glare. Angry stormy eyes with protruding silver flares lined by dark black eyeliner, staring at James… It felt like a gift. So, James saw Regulus a lot more, he’d even consider them friends of some sort. James had had his growth spurt that year and Regulus was still a lot shorter than him, James was 5 '9, Regulus was 5' 4. James was far too obsessed with it. At the time he’d told himself it was because he liked feeling like the tallest in the room (Godrick, why was he so clueless?) But, the summer of fifth year was the moment any simper of a friendship with Regulus was thrown out the window. Sirius had run away and Regulus had blamed James.
Sixth year had been hard for Sirius, Regulus had avoided him like the plague. He went back to not showing up for meal times and Sirius was drowning in his own worry… James; not too far behind. The only time they ever saw Regulus was at games and he made it very clear he wasn’t going to give them any time to talk to him. Sirius stayed up by the map for nights on end, often getting James to join him. Sirius was convinced James was the only one who understood how he was feeling because he thought everyone else had missed the real Reggie and only James had let himself see it. James convinced himself of that too. After a while, Sirius had decided he was going to go back to Grimmauld Place, James had had to beg him not to. Losing Regulus for the second time was tearing Sirius apart. In the summer of sixth year, James was convinced Sirius was going to leave, it’s like he could feel it. Remus and Peter had stayed over at the Potter’s more often, just so more of them could keep an eye on Sirius.
Though, that all stopped three weeks into the summer holiday when Regulus showed up. The day he’d shown up had been terrifying, he clung to Sirius like his life depended on it. He didn’t speak to anyone, only whispering small things to Sirius at times. He was on such high alert, every movement in the room had made him flinch. Euphemia had tried to help him, clean him off, and offer him clothes. But Regulus would shy from her, like he had everyone. At some point Sirius was pulled into the kitchen by ministry workers to try to figure out what was going on, so it’d left James and Regulus to themselves in the living room. Seemed scared but not on as high alert with James as he was with everyone else. James remembers the day so vividly, he couldn’t sit there and leave him like that, staring after the door Sirius had walked out, tears welling in his eyes as if he didn’t believe he’d walk back in.
James had scooted closer to him on the couch, “Hey,” Regulus’ eyes shot up to him, wide and fearful, James remembers cursing Walburga Black in his mind, begging some type of god to shoot her down. “It’s okay, he’s coming back… they’re just trying to understand what’s going on…” Regulus’ eye’s had relaxed but his body stayed tense. “It’s all going to be okay, I promise.” James had moved closer to him, “By the time Sirius comes back through there, they’d have come to an agreement on you staying here.” Regulus’ shoulders had tensed. “Hey, hey, I promise that’s a good thing. You’ll be safe here… and Sirius is here. Sirius wouldn’t let you leave a bad place just to bring you to another bad place.” Regulus’ eyes told James he didn’t believe him. “He wouldn’t… Godrick, Reg, he’s been so worried about you-” Regulus rolled his eyes. “No, no, I mean it… I-... I had to beg him not to go back…” Regulus’ eyes widened, and he moved in closer to James. “That’s why Moony and Pete were here, we were trying to make sure he didn’t run off.”
James remembers the next moment so vividly it feels like he could reach out and grab it, like he could put a red pin in it and say ‘There, that’s where it happened. That’s where he got me.’ The tears pooling in Regulus’ eyes that he’d been fighting so hard to hold up had finally dropped down his cheeks and James couldn’t let him hold all that emotion alone. So, he’d moved forward, pulling Regulus into his arms. Regulus hadn’t pushed him away, just stiffened. James remembers moving like it was instinctual, pushing his hands into his hair, rubbing soothing patterns on his back, holding him so tightly, whispering to him - promising him he was safe. Eventually Regulus had melted into his arms, letting James care for him until Sirius had gotten there. Sirius had slept in Regulus’ room for the next few weeks, not leaving his brother's side. Regulus didn’t talk to anyone for the first few weeks until Effy got him out of his shell, then it was Monty but then… It was James.
The first time Regulus spoke to him… Godrick, James didn’t see it back then, but it was identical to the first time he’d met him. Sirius had come bounding into the kitchen, pulling Regulus along with him. He was yelling- Merlin, he was yelling about how great Regulus’ art was, shoving a sketch Regulus had done in his face.
James had smiled at him but he just looked embarrassed, “Hey,” James extended his hand out to Regulus to pass him back his sketch, “it’s really nice, don’t be embarrassed by it.”
Regulus had smiled up at him, the prettiest smile James has ever seen. He reached out hesitantly and grabbed his sketch back, “It’s alright.” James can still feel the excitement he felt, hearing those words… hearing him again.
“I’m making coffee, want one?” James offered, gesturing to the seat next to him.
Regulus shook his head, “No, Sirius said he wants me to draw ‘Moony’.” Regulus rolled his eyes at the nickname.
“That’s okay, we’ll talk later.” James smiled. Regulus gave him a small smile back before pulling Sirius off. James wanted to pull him back and talk for hours. Back then he’d told himself it was because he had a saviour complex and Regulus had been hurting but a saviour complex doesn’t do the things James did for him.
For the rest of the summer hols, James spent his time learning Regulus - just small things like; Regulus only eats blueberry pancakes, he thinks everything other than that is bland. James spent hours in the kitchen with Dotti trying to figure out how to make the perfect blueberry pancake, so Regulus had no choice but to eat breakfast with him. By the time Christmas hols rolled around, Regulus and James were together every morning. Regulus made the coffees and James made the pancakes (Though Regulus was quite horrible at making coffees - James still drank them because it made him happy). Granted, they didn’t talk much but James just loved his presence… he always has. Regulus and him didn’t start talking properly until he’d asked James to teach him to skate for his girl… Merlin, James had forgotten all about Regulus’ crush. The topic had always made him so antsy, so he ignored it. Of course ignoring it made it come back and bite him in the ass.
“Hey?” Mary broke through James’ thoughts.
“Mary? What’s up?” James smiled awkwardly, suddenly aware of Lily passed out on his shoulder and the tears streaming down his face.
“Are you okay? Is she okay?” Mary asked, dropping to her knees in front of them.
“I’m fine… I don’t know about her…” James answered, letting Mary pull Lily into her arms.
“I’m gonna take her home, tell everyone we left, okay?” Mary raised her eyebrows at him.
“What about Marlene?”
“She left with Dorcas two hours ago.” Mary replied.
“Wait- two hours? We only got here like an hour and a half ago?”
“We’ve been here for 3 hours… Are you buzzed, Potter? Do you want to come back with us?” Mary asked, concern crossing her features.
“What? No, no, I’m all good. I’m just going to get some air…” James got up and stumbled past Mary, not waiting for her reply. He pushed his way to the front yard, immediately slumping himself against a tree. Every part of his body felt hot. He’d been here for 3 hours. He’d spent an hour and a half crying thinking about Regulus while one of his closest friends laid unconscious on his shoulder. Merlin, he was a horrible friend. James couldn’t breathe, everything was hitting him. He’d left Lily there. He was betraying Sirius by crushing on his little brother. He was hurting Regulus by having feelings for him. He hasn’t checked up on Peter in an hour and a half. He has no idea where any of his friends are. Everyone could be hurt right now but he’s too busy sitting under a tree crying. Crying? When did he start crying? Is this even appropriate to cry about? Is the air thick? Is that why he can’t breathe? Why was everything shaking? Was he shaking or was the ground shaking? Was it an earthquake? Shouldn’t he be with his friends then? What if they need him? Why’s he out here when they’re in there? Why’s he being so inconsiderate?
Why did he have to ruin everything…. how’s he been ruining everything before he even realised what he was doing?