Chapter 9
James~
Regulus walked along the street James had apparated them to, “I haven’t been here before.” Regulus commented, pressing himself closer to James.
“Really? I love it here. Mum and Dad used to bring me here all the time as a kid. It's lovely, just give it a chance, okay?” James smiled at him warmly.
“So, it’s safe, right? I mean, if Euphemia brought you here when you were young, it has to be.” Regulus questioned, his hand scraping the side of James’.
“Regulus, I’d never take you anywhere that wasn’t.” He nodded slightly, he didn’t believe him. Why didn’t he believe him? “Hey,” James nudged his shoulder to get him to look up, “I promise. Reg, I’d never.” Regulus shot a small smile at him.
“Okay, I never said anything.” Regulus claimed. ‘Oh, but you didn’t have to, your eyes always tell me everything’. James had to resist the urge to tell Regulus his thoughts, he had enough self awareness to know it’d be a weird thing to say.
“Just making sure.” James lied. A man across the street standing in front of a bar wailed, causing Regulus to jump. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. He’s just cheering, I think they’re watching a quidditch rerun.” James comforted, pressing his shoulder to Regulus’, revelling in his instantaneous relaxation.
“I know, I’m fine.” Regulus swore.
“What’s bugging you?” James slowed them to a stop, holding onto Regulus’ shoulders.
“There’s so many people but at the same time there aren't enough people. It’s unsettling. Plus, I’ve never been here before.” Regulus answered.
“I promise it’s safe.”
“I know. I believe you. I might just be a bit anxious for a while, it’ll pass.” The man at the bar yelled again and Regulus grabbed onto James’ hand. He immediately went to pull away, “I’m sorry, I just got jumpy.” Regulus apologised.
James picked back up his hand, “Would it make you feel better to be closer to me right now?” James asked, pulling himself and Regulus to a stop.
“A little. But, it’s fine James.” Regulus admitted.
James interlocked their fingers, pulling Regulus along. “Come on, my favourite burger place is right around the corner.” James smiled at him. The cold must be getting to him, his cheeks are tainted red. “Are you cold?” James asked, taking off his scarf.
“No, I’m fine.” Regulus avoided James’ eyes.
“Your cheeks are red.” James commented.
Regulus’ eyes widened, “Yes, now that you’re mentioning it, I'm freezing.” Regulus smiled awkwardly.
James’ brows furrowed in concern, “Do you want to go home?”
“No, let’s get food first. I’m hungry.” Regulus commented, James stopped him to wrap his scarf around his neck.
“Are you warm enough? Or do you want my jumper too?” James asked, adjusting the scarf.
“This is fine.” Regulus said, eyeing the floor while biting into his lip harshly.
James cupped Regulus’ chin with his free hand, using the pad of his thumb to gently tug his lip from between his teeth. “That’s a horrible habit, Reg.” Regulus’ cheeks burned a vibrant red. Maybe he’s still cold?
“Okay.” Regulus acknowledged before walking off towards the store, James trailing behind him by their joined hands. Regulus’ hand was cold even after being in James’. James fought the urge to hold him in his arms until he was warm. They walked the rest of the walk in silence.
Regulus isn’t one for touch,James knows that. If anything he loathes it, but he’s keeping himself close to James, barely letting him go to the counter alone. James can tell he doesn’t like it out here, it’s too unfamiliar to him and it’s dark. James is trying to hurry along the process to get them somewhere Regulus feels more at peace. He hates seeing him so agitated.
“Reg, you okay?” James asked, wanting to pick Regulus’ hand back up. They stopped holding hands once they got to the store.
“Yes, like I’ve said the last 50 times you’ve asked. I’m fine, James.” Regulus swore but his eyes still shot around the street.
“What’s bothering you? Is it still the people thing?” James persisted.
“I don’t know, I just don’t like it.” Regulus stated, avoiding James’ eyes.
“How can I help?” James stepped in closer to Regulus.
“I don’t know.” Regulus shuffled closer to James as if he was being pulled to him. James opened his arms to him. “What are you doing?” Regulus raised his eyebrows at him, his voice attempting its usual coldness. The cold must be throwing him off.
“Offering you a hug.” James stated, though it sounded more like a question.
“Why? We don’t do that.” Regulus’ voice shook.
“Well, we could start doing it.” James started to put his arms down, judging off the hesitance in Regulus’ eyes. One of the men in the store had been eyeing them since they’d walked in, Regulus only just seemed to notice the man, looking up at him and his eyes widening.
“James, there’s someone staring at us.” Regulus alerted.
“I know, he’s been staring since we got here.”
“What? James, I’m not hungry anymore. Let’s go.” Regulus demanded.
“Reg, we already paid. It’s fine, he’s just some random. Don’t worry, I promise you it’s fine.” James assured.
“He’s still looking.” Regulus stepped in closer to James.
“I know. Don’t look back.” James pulled Regulus’ gaze to him, holding onto his chin, turning his face to him. Regulus’ cheeks reddened.
“I don’t like this.” Regulus stepped in even close to James.
“Reggie, it’s ok-” James was cut off by Regulus’ arms wrapping around his waist. James softly put his arms around him, holding him tight, keeping him close. “It’s okay. You’re alright.” James promised, rubbing his hand up and down Regulus’ back.
“S'il vous plaît. S'il vous plaît ne lâchez pas. S'il vous plaît Jamie. Je suis désolé, je n'aime pas ça ici. Je veux me plaire ici. Vous vous plaisez ici. Je parie que Sirius le ferait. Pouvez-vous emmener Sirius ici ? Il serait de meilleure compagnie.” Regulus rambled on, pushing his face to James’ coat. He was shaking. James wanted to apparate them home immediately. “S'il vous plaît, s'il vous plaît, s'il vous plaît, s'il vous plaît.” He kept repeating.
The person behind the counter called out their order. “Reg, I have to go get that. Then we can go straight home.” Regulus slowly let go of James, turning away from him and wiping at his face. Was he crying? James quickly went over and got their order, slipping back quickly over to Regulus and interlocking their fingers, pulling him out of the store. James walked them down the street to the point they apparate to as quick as he could. James was acutely aware of the man from the store trailing behind them. Regulus seemed to be far too aware of it, his eyes blown wide, his grip on James’ hand tight.
“James… he’s-”
“I know, I know, it’s okay.” James Assured. James turned the corner to the corner they’d apparted from. He heard the guy behind them pick up his pace, Regulus looked like he was about to pass out. James grabbed out his wand, apparating them as quickly as he could. He wasn’t exactly aware of where he was taking them, his intention was just somewhere Regulus felt safe.
It took James a moment to Register they were in the greenhouse. Regulus seemed to visibly relax at the sight, his hand dropping James’. “Give me a minute.” Regulus walked outside the greenhouse to get some air. James felt horrible. He didn’t really understand what Regulus was feeling or why it had that effect on him but James felt horrible knowing he’s the reason he was feeling whatever it was he was feeling. He’d meant to take him somewhere nice that he liked, thinking Regulus would like it too. Merlin, he feels like an asshole. He doesn’t know whether to just leave Regulus to be on his own or stick around and apologise.
Regulus walked back in and cut off his thoughts, “Reg, look, I’m so-”
“No. Don’t. Seriously, don’t. I don’t want a sorry you didn’t do anything that deserves an apology.” Regulus reassured.
“I shouldn’t have taken you there… or at least should’ve left when you looked uncomfortable.” James wanted to reach out and hold him again.
“Can we just eat and forget this?” Regulus asked.
“Sure but-”
“Okay, good.” Regulus snatched the food from his hand, walking up the steps to the top look of the greenhouse. James followed after him. Regulus sat down by the windows. The moon shone through, reflecting off the petal of a Cordyline Fruticosa Firestorm, bathing Regulus’ skin in a maroon hue.
“Reg-”
“Are you going to apologise again?” Regulus raised his eyebrows at him.
“Yes but-”
“No. I want to move on.” Regulus cut him off.
“Okay, uh- Where were you all day? I checked the greenhouse, you weren’t here.” James asked.
“I was with Dotti.”
“Dotti? Like, our house elf?” James questioned.
“Yeah, I was helping her out for the day. She’s quite lovely.” Regulus commented.
“I didn’t realise you hung out with her.” James said, confusion laced in his tone.
“Yeah, all the time. She reminds me of someone I used to know.” Regulus explained.
“Were they a house elf too?” James joked.
“Yes actually.” Regulus said, humourless.
“What?”
“His name was Kreacher. He was our house elf and he was very enjoyable to be around.” Regulus stated as if a house elf was normal company.
“Sirius told me about him, said he was a dick.” James added.
“Oh, he would think that. Kreacher didn’t like Sirius. Too obnoxious. Kreacher liked his company tame, not insane like Siri.” Regulus smiled fondly.
“Where’s Kreacher now?” James asked.
Regulus’ eyes darkened, “I’d imagine still there, seeing I can’t give him a sock anymore.”
“Oh… I’m sorry-”
“Can you stop apologising? Especially for things you can’t control.” Regulus rolled his eyes.
“Can you tell me what happened back there?” James pleaded, concern etched in his voice.
“It was just a small panic attack, nothing serious.” Regulus waved off.
“My cousin used to have those, they’re very serious. Why didn’t you tell me? Reg, if I would’ve known, I would’ve got us here immediately.”
“I thought you knew and just didn’t care.” Regulus said it as if it didn’t matter, as if what he’d just said wasn’t the most heart crushing thing to ever be said.
“What- Reg, of course I didn’t know. Reggie, I swear to you if I'd known I would’ve taken you out of there in seconds.” James swore.
“If you didn’t know, why’d you keep letting me touch you?” Regulus looked up at James.
“Because you looked like you needed it and I wanted you to feel safe and for some reason I made you feel safe… even though you actively thought I was willingly hurting you.” James winced at the realisation.
“Stop feeling bad about this.” Regulus rolled his eyes.
“I can’t help it. Reg, you thought I was sitting there, watching you in pain and just carrying on with my own enjoyment. I can’t not feel bad.” James wrapped up his food, suddenly not hungry anymore. Regulus followed in suit.
“What’ll make you not feel bad?”
“I don’t know. I just want you to be okay.” James answered sincerely.
“I am okay, can you relax now.” Regulus asked.
“Does it happen a lot?”
“Does what, ‘happen a lot’?”
“The panic attacks.” James clarified.
“More than I’d like.” Regulus admitted.
“Does it ever happen when you’re alone?” James moved closer to Regulus, just wanting to be near him.
“Yeah, sometimes.”
“Is it better alone? Or is it better to have someone there?”
“Depends on the person.”
“Me?”
“You didn’t even know what was happening and you helped. So, yeah, I guess you.” Regulus said, pressing his knee to James’.
“Me, Sirius and our friends are going to a party next week… you’ll be here alone… I don’t want you alone. I know you probably wouldn’t like a party but… I’d prefer it if you were with me. You could bring your lot with you too.” James added, placing his hand on Regulus’ knee.
“I think they’d enjoy that.”
“Would you?”
“Si tu es là, mon soleil. I would.” Regulus spoke, staring at James’ hand on his knee.
“What’d you say?” James asked.
“I called you a dim witted frog.” Regulus smirked.