Chapter 4
Regulus~
Regulus practically sprinted his way back to his dorm. This whole thing with James might just be a harmless crush but that doesn’t mean he’s immune to his touches and Godrick, did James touch. Regulus can still feel a sting from where his hand held his thigh, where he gripped his waist. It wasn’t even a long lasting touch but it’s etched itself into the fine print of Regulus’ skin. The second Regulus got inside he jumped in the shower, determined to wash James Potter off of him. Regulus knew going into this it was a stupid idea, but he didn’t think James would be so adamant on touching him. Regulus can’t put all the blame on him of course, he practically attached himself to James.
Regulus felt like an idiot. He knew he was being ridiculously dramatic, sitting on his shower floor while the water scorched his back, all because James Potter showed him the slightest bit of attention. Godrick, he was a mess.
Eventually, after an hour and 30 minutes of not moving and wasting far too much water, his skin was far past pruned, Regulus finally pulled himself out of there. Regulus felt like shit, so he decided the best remedy for him feeling shitty and ridiculous, was to find his brother, who is even more shitty and ridiculous. So the second he finally dragged himself out of the room he headed to Sirius. He’d found him rather quickly, doing his usual favourite hobby - bothering Lupin.
“Say something pathetic about yourself, I’m feeling down.” Regulus stepped up next to Sirius without warning.
“Well hello to you too, cher frère.” Sirius smiled sarcastically.
“That wasn’t pathetic or about yourself, do better.” Regulus rolled his eyes.
“Isn’t he just a ray of sunshine.” Remus quipped, seeing him reminded Regulus of their deal.
“Lupin.” Regulus tried to go for a nice acknowledgement of his existence, he’s quite sure it set nicely.
“Regulus.” Remus replied.
“Anyway, Sirius, your hair is looking rather flat today.” Regulus lied, Sirius’ hair was annoyingly nice today but he didn’t need to know that.
“Thank you, it’s a new shampoo. Maintenant, qu'est-ce qui ne va pas?” Sirius kept looking forward, not wanting Regulus to feel like he’s trapped in a conversation forced to confront his feelings, leaving him leeway to end it. Regulus hated just how well his brother knew how to handle his emotions.
“Juste mon dégoût de soi habituel. Rien d'extraordinaire.” Regulus smiled at him.
“Promettez-moi, que ce n'est rien de grave?” Sirius looked at him this time. This time he needed Regulus to know he had to give an answer, no way out of this one. Again, Regulus hated how well his brother knew how to handle him.
“Je promets. Ne t'en fais pas.” Regulus looked back at him, no lining sarcasm or joke around his promise.
Sirius smiled at him and looked back forward, “So, why are you here?”
“Sirius, there are nicer ways to say that. You’re not unwelcome, Reg.” Remus chimed in. Godrick, is he trying to be Regulus’ friend? Or, is he just trying to be nice since Regulus is helping him out?
“Moony, my Moonage Daydream, you’re forgetting Regulus is a gremlin. If you’re too nice to him he’ll start chewing on your furniture come midnight.” Sirius smiled sweetly. Regulus couldn’t help but laugh at Sirius’ stupid joke, neither could Lupin.
Sirius smiled up at Remus, it was a sweet smile… a genuine one, no jokes, no sarcasm. Merlin, he looked happy. Sirius always looks happy, he differs from Regulus there. Even as children, Sirius was more easy going, Regulus was always an anxious child. But he’s never looked happy like this, at least not of what Regulus had seen. Regulus may pretend to not care for Sirius’ existence but Regulus will quite literally murder Lupin if he ever ruins that smile.
“Sirius, come with me to the Hogsmeade trip tomorrow.” Regulus didn’t really leave space for a no.
“... why?” Sirius questioned.
“I need a reason?” Regulus challenged, knowing neither him nor Sirius would like to admit how little time they save for each other.
“I was gonna go with Moony, sorry Reg.” Regulus eyed Remus, trying to get him to pick up on the fact Regulus was doing this for him.
“Oh- uh… Pads, I’m not going to Hogsmeade tomorrow.”
“What? Why not? You said you would.” Sirius looked upset, if Regulus wasn’t in on it he would’ve thrown a curse at Lupin's head.
“Homework, a lot of it… I was gonna tell you tonight but now you can just go with Reg.” Remus smiled at him sweetly, a terribly good liar.
“Il aurait pu me le dire plus tôt. Tu es d'accord, il aurait pu me le dire ?” Sirius looked to Regulus.
“Oui, Mais, Sirius, es-tu en colère parce que tu dois venir avec moi ou parce qu'il ne vient plus.” Regulus knew how weak he sounded asking, but he needed to know.
“Évidemment ce dernier. Reg, je veux venir avec toi. Si quoi que ce soit, j'aimerais que vous demandiez à traîner plus. Mais j'aimerais aussi qu'il n'annule pas nos projets sans me le dire. Ne confondez pas les deux.” Sirius reassured but didn’t leave out an eyeroll
“D'accord, je vérifie juste.” Regulus mumbled
“Eh bien, vous ne devriez pas avoir à le faire.” Sirius was still very sensitive about their relationship, he can’t blame him for that, it’s still rocky.
“D’accord, la prochaine fois je ne le ferai pas.” Regulus tried to be sincere but he knew he’d still ask next time. “Voulez-vous venir avec moi, cependant?” Regulus asked again, just to be sure.
“Oui bien sûr. Je ne suis même plus en colère, Reggie.” Sirius smiled.
“D'accord. 9h33 à l'heure. ne sois pas en retard. Je continuerai sans toi. Je ne rigole pas.” Regulus hated when people were late, it made him anxious they wouldn't come at all and he hated being let down, felt too much like rejection. So, he set oddly specific times, if they weren’t there, then there was no reason to be near them at all. Except for Sirius he’d wait hours over time and didn’t he know it… Regulus sat by the window Sirius snuck out of the night he ran away, for days, for weeks, for months… if he was still there, he’d still be by that window. Merlin, he probably would’ve visited his parents after moving out just to sit by it… just in case he decided to come back, not that he ever would, Regulus isn’t stupid, just delusional.
“Pourquoi si spécifique ?” Sirius questioned.
“Stop speaking in French. I’m here too, stop cutting me off, assholes.” Remus rolled his eyes.
“Be there. Or just don’t come at all.” Regulus demanded as if it didn’t hurt to think he wouldn’t come at all.
“Je te promets, petit frère, que je serai là. Arrête de t'inquiéter.” Sirius was trying so hard to go back to how they used to be, before Hogwarts… when they were still actually brothers… before Regulus had to watch him jump out a window and leave him behind, before he had to watch a part of himself die.
“Good.” Regulus walked off without a goodbye. He couldn’t help it. He doesn’t mean to be this way, Sirius is being good to him but he can’t stop how his mind works. Stuff will happen and his mind will inevitably connect it to something else that happened that hurt and then he’s hurt again. It’s like, he’s forgiven Sirius but his mind would rather hurt a thousand times over than forgive him. It’s unfair and it’s not like Regulus likes it but that’s how he works.
Regulus re-read his favourite book that night, his saddest book. It always makes him cry and seeing as he was for some god awful reason, unable to cry over his issues but in need to let it out, he lived through it. Maybe it’s just easier for his mind to convince itself it’s crying over their problems, not his.
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Sirius~
Sirius woke up at 9:25am, this wouldn’t be a problem if he hadn’t promised Reg he’d meet him at 9:33am (why such a stupidly specific time, he couldn’t tell you - his brother was an anomaly). He would just fuck it and show up late but Reg seemed so sensitive yesterday, fucking hell he straight up said he was, yes, granted he said it in his normal dickish way but he still said it. So, Sirius has to be on time. So now he’s running through the halls with his tie literally in a knot around his wrist, while he puts his hair into a messy bun, half up-half down.
He got there at 9:30, which honestly was impressive, but Reg wasn’t there. Are you fucking kidding me? Is all he could think. He looked like a rat's ass because of this and Reg wasn’t even here? Sirius decided he’d wait till exactly 9:33 and if Regulus wasn’t there by then, he’d spell a painting of a giant cock to the back of all of Reggie’s clothes. Fair payback. Sirius’ mind was running, don’t play specifics with me and not even stick by them, petit merde.
Sirius decided he’d insult Reggie in his mind until 9:33. He’d never even know he was doing it but it’s still enjoyable. At 9:32 Sirius felt himself both smiling but also fighting the urge to break into Reggies dorm and tell him to hurry up. It felt kind of shitty, he was excited Reggie finally wanted to be around him. Like, yes, the first few weeks at the potters he was around him a lot but that was only because he was scared and Sirius was familiar. Now, there’s no fear, no ulterior motive, he actually wants to be around him again. If he bails Sirius will murder Barty.
At 9:33 on the dot (literally the second of) Regulus stepped out the door of his common room. “You’re here.” He sounded surprised, Sirius wanted to push him out a window for doubting him. “Why’s your tie around your wrist?” of course even with those 3 spared minutes he didn’t fix himself up, this is somehow Snapes fault.
“Woke up late. Also, you’re weird.” Regulus probably didn’t understand what he was referencing but you know what? He needed to hear it anyway.
“Let’s go, I want butterbeer.” Regulus stepped off without waiting for him.
“Wow, no hello, no hug, no ‘how did you sleep my amazing brother?’ Honestly, if I didn’t know you loved me so much I’d think you didn’t care about me.” Sirius joked.
“Good, wouldn’t want you to get the wrong impression.” Regulus smiled up at him, petit merde. Sirius threw his arm around Regulus’ shoulder and dragged him into a hug. “I will bite you.”
“Probably.” Sirius kept hugging him until Regulus did in fact attempt to bite his arm. “Cunt.”
“Bitch.” Sirius laughed at the underlying joke Reggie didn’t intend. “So what are we doing today?”
“I don’t know.”
“You didn’t plan it? You always like to plan your day out.” Sirius questioned.
“Liked.” Regulus corrected. If it was anyone else Sirius wouldn’t be hurt by it but he knew Regulus meant it to point out how little Sirius is around anymore. Didn’t help that he added, “People tend to change how they operate when they age past 12.” Regulus’ words shot to kill.
“Hey, can you ju-”
“No. We’re not addressing it because neither of us want to. Let's just attem- Let's just enjoy the day, Siri.”
“D'accord, NOUS n'en parlerons pas. Moi, par contre, je le ferai. Je suis désolé de ne pas être là, ouais putain de j'ai dit désolé, ne le mentionne pas. J'aurais dû être plus présent quand Hogwarts a commencé…”
“Ne pouvons-nous pas attendre que les trois balais aient cette conversation?” Regulus butt in.
“Non. Nous allons l'avoir maintenant.” Regulus rolled his eyes but let Sirius continue. “J'aurais dû être là, et je n'y étais pas. Je pensais que parce que tu étais à Slytherin, tu étais mauvais... comme maman et papa. Je n'aurais pas dû penser ça mais j'avais douze ans, Reggie... J'aurais aimé être plus intelligent mais je ne l'étais pas.” Sirius felt like shit admitting to it but he had to eventually, so he did. “J'ai manqué beaucoup. Comme, j'ai raté une très grande partie de ta vie, Reg. Je suis ton grand frère et je ne sais même pas si ta couleur préférée est toujours le bleu clair. J'ai raté beaucoup de choses et tu as parfaitement le droit de me détester pour ça, mais s'il te plait, ne m'empêche pas de tout apprendre maintenant. Je veux tout apprendre maintenant.” Sirius looked at Regulus, he was biting into his lip. He used to do it when he was little, said it stopped him from crying.
“C'est toujours bleu clair mais j'aime beaucoup le vert sauge aussi.” Regulus was nearly whispering. Sirius couldn’t help but smile, normally he’d hate talking about this stuff, confronting it like this, he hates it. But, Regulus needed to hear it, he’s been edgy around Sirius still and it hurts. Sirius needed to say it just as much as Reggie needed to hear it.
“Dis m'en plus aujourd'hui, d'accord ?” Sirius asked. Reggie nodded and continued talking the whole way to Hogsmeade.
_________—----------------
They’ve been at the three broomsticks for two hours, just talking. It’s been great. Reggie’s still being a cunt here and there but it's an improvement! Sirius was just concluding his 15 minute rant on why beaters and more important than seekers (completely biassed and completely aimed) when Regulus cut in.
“Does Peter play quidditch?” Regulus asked.
“Pete? Nah, loves it though. Says flying makes his hair stick up, says he can’t let that happen cause it’s his ‘best feature’. I personally think his best feature is his eyes, or his smile, amazing smile that lad.” Sirius said matter of factly.
“If he loves it, why doesn’t he become a commenter?” Regulus asked.
“He likes to sit and talk with Moony during the games, doesn’t like keeping Rem alone.”
“You know how you call Remus - Moony, and James - Prongs?” Sirius nodded. “What’s Peter’s nickname?”
“Wormtail, though normally just Wormy. Like how mine is Padfoot but normally just Pads.”
“What’s Peter’s favourite subject?”
“Oh he absolutely loves Care For Magical Creatures, fucking hates Occamy’s though.” Sirius laughed remembering the time Peter came back from class covered in mud after being dragged by one.
“What’s Peter’s favourite thing to talk about?”
“I don’t know, he enjoys anything that keeps the mood good.”
“But what’s his favourite conversation?”
“Oh, well he loves conspiracy theories. Literally any theory you got, throw it at him, he’ll eat it up. I once told him that trees are the horniest thing on earth and he spoke for 2 hours about the possibilities. Him and Rem argued on that one for a while, actually.” Sirius couldn’t help but smile thinking about it, he loved his friends so fucking much.
“What’s he like in a person?” Regulus asked… Another question about Peter?
“Like… romantically?” Sirius questioned
“Uh… sure?” Regulus smiled awkwardly.
“Well, he likes people taller than him, girls or guys, or anyone in between, he doesn’t care much. He likes brown eyes, but dark brown, says they’re ‘mysterious’. He doesn’t really care much for brains, if they’re smart, they’re smart, if they’re not - so what. I don’t know, he really just cares if the person is fun to be around.”
“So, how would someone start a conversation with him?” This time Sirius had to ask what was up.
“Reggie, what’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“Reg, you just asked me what my best friend likes in a person romantically, THEN asked me how to start a convo with him. What’s going on?” Sirius pressed.
“I don’t understand…” Regulus fixed his tie, his tell.
“Reggie, you can tell me anything. You know that right?” Sirius reassured.
“I know but why's that relevant?” Regulus lied. Why is he lying?
“Reggie, you can tell me. I won’t judge you on this. Other things? Yes, I will 100% judge you. This though? Reggie, I would never.” Sirius promised.
“What do you want me to say?” He looked, scared?
“The truth.”
“I’m not doing this with you. We were meant to have fun today. This is our second serious conversation, I’m not doing this with you.” Regulus got out of his seat to walk off. Sirius grabbed his sleeve and pulled him back down.
“No. Stop it. Reggie, this is seri- This is important, if it wasn’t important I wouldn’t continue it today. Reggie, I’m your brother, I’m here for you. Tell me. S'il vous plaît, petit étoile.” Sirius bought in an old nickname, he needed Reggie to trust him like he did back then.
“...Siri, please, I don’t want to do this.” Regulus pleaded, fear lining his glassy eyes.
“Why not? Reggie, what are you scared of?”
“Please.”
“Reggie, you don’t have to tell me, we’ll stop right now. But, I’d rather if we didn’t. But, go ahead it’s up to you; arrêter ou continuer.” Sirius sat forward in his chair.
“Je l'ai presque épousée, tu sais ? Bella, j'allais le faire.” Regulus looked down at his hands, he looked disgusted. “J'allais, j'allais... Maman me parlait de notre mariage... Je me suis senti volé.” His eyes started tearing up.
“Reggie, you don’t have to. Forget what I said, it’s fine.” Sirius didn’t want to see him cry. He didn’t wanna have this stupid conversation, he wanted to make Reggie laugh again.
“J'ai beaucoup pensé à mon mariage, depuis que j'avais 13 ans quand j'ai réalisé que c'était inévitable et proche... si proche. Mais Bella n'était jamais là. Pas même en tant qu'invité.” Regulus was looking at the table, refusing to meet Sirius’ eyes. “Ça n'a jamais été censé être elle. Ça n'a jamais été censé être une fille…” Regulus’ voice broke. “Vous avez compris? Dois-je le dire à haute voix parce que je ne veux pas.”
“You’ve said enough.” Regulus flinched, Sirius realised his word choice was literally horrible. “No- Wait, Reggie, I meant it as like, yeah, I get it. And, yeah, it’s okay. Je suis toujours ton frère. Je t'aime encore. C'est pour toujours.” Sirius walked over to Reggie’s side of the booth and slipped his arms around him, pulling him into a hug. Regulus’ breath hitched, becoming uneven, “C'est d'accord. C'est d'accord. Tu vas bien. Shhhh, tu vas bien. Tu es en sécurité. Je t'ai eu. Je ne vais nulpart. Tu es en sécurité. Je t'aime.” Sirius held his little brother, casted a spell around them to keep him hidden.
When Sirius Black was 8, he watched his Mother punish his little brother for the first time. When Sirius Black was 8, he jumped in front of a spell for the first time. When Sirius Black was 8, he promised his little brother he’d protect him for life. Sirius is 17 and he’s still holding that promise in his arms.
—--------------------------------------------
Regulus~
He was just trying to find a way to get closer to Peter, so he could get to Amos for Evan. How the fuck did he end up sobbing in Sirius’ arms. It felt embarrassing. After he finally stopped crying and Sirius calmed him down (again, fuck him with his stupid, understanding Regulus right.) Sirius turned to look at him with a big dopey grin.
“So, Petey, huh?” Raising his eyebrows repeatedly. Regulus wanted to shave them off. Regulus was gonna deny it… but then he realised he could help Remus and Evan all at once and get two of his problems off his back. So he ‘confessed’.
“Kind of.” Regulus felt weird just saying it.
“Kind of? You either want him or you don’t. Please don’t want him, he’s my best friend. He snores, Reggie. Are you up for that?” Sirius raised his eyebrows.
“I don’t know if I want him. I like his… energy? But, I wanna get to know him first. Become his best friend, or at least close friend.” Regulus said in the sincerest voice he could muster.
“Why do you want to be his best friend? Why does being his best friend make you want him?” Sirius questioned.
“Because?” Regulus looked at him like he was stupid, purely to make him feel stupid.
“Oh, yeah, of course. But, maybe you should elaborate. I understand of course, but I wanna hear it from the rooster's mouth.” Sirius’ hands did most of the talking.
“You mean horse's mouth?”
“Any barn animal of your choice, Reg.” Sirius smiled his biggest, dumbest smile.
“Well, everyone knows to become someone's lover it’s better to be their best friend first. Obviously.” Regulus rolled his eyes.
“But, I thought that was wrong? Like bro-code. Can’t date your best friends, it risks the friendship group.” Sirius explained.
“Oh, but you’re allowed to flirt with them?” Regulus raised his eyebrows at him.
Sirius looked him dead in the eye, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I wonder if Lupin would know.” Regulus smirked.
“What are you trying to say?” Sirius raised his eyebrows.
“That my dear brother and I are quite similar. Oh, and that you should stop being an idiot and ask Lupin out. Honestly it’s quite pathetic. Also, you should introduce your lovely younger brother to your mate.” Regulus smiled sweetly.
“What? I don’t like Moony. He’s Moony. Why would I like him? Not that he’s undesirable, Moony’s great, he’s the best and he’s beautiful. But, he’s Moony. And he’s not into me like that, I’m not even sure he likes boys.” Sirius looked uncertain.
“And if he does?” Regulus challenged, slightly wondering where his subtlety went.
“Then he does.” Sirius shrugged his shoulders.
“So… you wouldn’t mind if this friend of mine asked him out? He’s really into him.” Regulus said nonchalantly.
“Why would you do that?” he sounded hurt.
“Do what?”
“THAT! I thought we were being nice to each other now.” Sirius glared at him.
“What did I do that wasn’t nice?”
“SET YOUR MALE FRIEND UP WITH MOONY!” Sirius yelled.
“And what’s mean about that?” Regulus prodded, come on Sirius, it’s right there.
“IT JUST IS!”
“But why? My friend likes him, he could like him back.” Sirius went red.
“He doesn’t.”
“He could.”
“He wouldn’t.”
“But he could learn to like him.”
“He won’t.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do.”
“You have no proof, he could like him.” Regulus baited.
“HE DOESN’T!” Sirius screamed. Thank Midas’ golden tits for silencing spells.
“And you know this, how?” Regulus was basically waving celery in front of a rabbit.
“BECAUSE HE LOVES ME!” Sirius’ face dropped the second he realised what he’d said. “...he loves me…he has to… Reggie, I love him…” Sirius looked like a sailor about to jump ship.
“That’s okay, Sirius. He loves you, trust me. No man acts that pathetic, that much, for a friend. He’s yours, Siri. So, what the hell are you doing here?” Regulus raised his eyebrows.
“I forgot.” At least he’s truthful.
“Go, you idiot.” Regulus smiled at him.
“You’re right. You’re right.”
“Go means you actually have to get up.”
“Yeah, yeah, get up, yes”
“Sirius.”
“OKAY! Let’s go!” Sirius stood up, pulling Regulus with him.
“I’m not coming with you?”
“Why not?” The idiot looked genuinely confused.
“You’re confessing your love? Your little brother shouldn’t be there. Bouge toi! va! va! Va!” Regulus ushered him out of The Three Broomsticks.
“Okay! Okay, I'll go. But, I’ll drop you off with Pete before I go.” Everythings working out far too well for Regulus’ liking.