Chapter 2
Regulus ~
Regulus made sure to slam the door extra hard on his way into his dorm, getting both Evan and Barty’s attention. Evan was on his bed reading, while Barty was drawing little figures on his legs.
“I hate you both and I hate this bet.” Regulus stated before sitting himself between Evan and Barty.
“You lose already, Reg?” Barty teased.
“No, actually, I’m closer to winning than any of you are.” Regulus smiled, then quickly changed that because this is not a smiling matter.
“What? As if.” Barty scoffed.
“It’s true, James and I will probably be hanging out daily at this point.”
“Bullshit! You’re lying, Reggie.” Barty screeched.
“I’m not doubting your abilities, Reg, but I also call bullshit.” Evan shrugged.
“Fine, don’t believe me. I’m upping the price on my prize, though.” Regulus tested.
“Alright then, what’d you do that's got you two all close now?” Evan questioned, closing his book.
“I asked him to teach me how to skate.” Regulus stated blankly, as if the words weren’t burning him from the inside out.
“You’re kidding-” Barty looked at him and all his sureness and burst out laughing, “OH, GODRICK, EVAN, HE’S NOT KIDDING!” Barty cackled, shaking Regulus by his shoulder (always the dramatic laugher).
“What compelled you to do something so stupid, yet so endearing, loverboy?” Evan teased.
“Sirius found me looking for him and put me on the spot, turns out I’ve suddenly lost my ability to think on the spot.” Regulus fell back onto Evan’s pillows.
“So when’s your first lesson, Mr. Tony Alva?” Barty said, while now drawing on Regulus’ leg.
“I have no idea and quite frankly, I’d like to keep it that way. So, what about you two? Any improvements?” Regulus wasn’t sure what he was expecting, ‘Yeah Reg, Barty and I are now dating and have finally gotten over ourselves and realised what was right in front of us!!’ which yes, albeit might be a little unrealistic but can’t a boy dream?
“Yes actually, I have.” Barty smiled brightly, Evan looked seasick.
“Well then, who is the unlucky loser?” Evan joked with not an ounce of humour in his eyes.
“Elias Knightly, hasn’t said yes yet but that’s just because I haven’t asked yet. But, trust me it’s gonna happen, he’s totally ass over teakettle for me.” Barty smirked. Regulus wanted to push him out the window for being so daft.
“Hmm, I’ve spoken to Elias before, took him for wiser.” said dryly.
“Well Ev, at least I’ve got one going for me.” Barty teased.
Evan clenched his jaw, “Actually, I’ve scored a date.”
Barty stopped drawing and went stiff, Regulus wanted to step in but Godrick he kind of didn’t want to miss anything. He’ll fix it later. “Who?”
Evan’s eyes sprang around the room at the speed of light, “Amos.”
“Amos? Hufflepuff Amos?” Regulus sputtered, suddenly completely enthralled in what was unravelling in front of him. His role as responsible best friend fleeting his mind.
“Diggory? Him? Why would you go for him? He’s so- blonde?” Barty argued.
“I’m blonde.” Evan stared at him.
“That’s different. And honestly, I think if the date is Diggory, it shouldn’t count. Reggie, that doesn’t count, right?” Jealousy was etching itself in Barty’s features, and Regulus’ mind was running wild.
“No, no, it counts.” Regulus said calmly, before smirking up at Barty, “Great catch though, right Barty? I mean, Diggory’s hot.” Barty’s jaw clenched harder. Oh, Regulus could definitely work with this.
“He’s barely moderate.” Barty spat.
“I think he’s rather charming, great choice, Ev.” Barty looked betrayed. It hurt to see that look directed at him, he wanted to reach out and promise him that it’d all work out, that he was just pushing him. Why couldn’t he see he was pushing him to something he clearly wanted.
“I think I'd rather eat literal cow shit, than touch Diggory in any way.” Barty rolled his eyes.
“Elias isn’t much better.” Evan chided
“I think Elias is quite a good choice too.” Regulus cut in again, stirring the pot until they both explode.
“He’s literally hideous.” Evan spat.
“I think he’s beautiful.”
“Oh? You think he’s beautiful? Well that’s just lovely. Isn’t that lovely, Regulus? Isn’t it just so lovely? That is so lovely, Barty.” Evan continued to say the word ‘lovely’ another 50 times until eventually they all just went to bed.
—-----------------------------------------------------
Regulus was trying to remind himself that by the end of this, Evan and Barty would stop being absolute morons and get together already. And, Dorcas might possibly have a girlfriend by the end of it, which is another plus. Regulus fails to see what he gets from this other than broken ribs and scraped elbows and even more crazed by James Potter. That realisation dropped him into a whole train of thought about how many injuries he’d have acquired by the end of this whole bet. This thought process was quickly cut off by Evan throwing himself into Regulus’ bed and chucking on a few silencing spells.
“What the fuck.” Regulus pushed Evan off of his legs.
“I fucked up.”
“Okay.”
“No, Reggie. I REALLY REALLY FUCKED UP!”
“This is new?”
“Can you please, please, be helpful right now?”
“Fine,” Regulus breathed in harshly, “what’s going on, Evan? How can I be of assistance?”
“Wow, you’re horrible.” Evan said while rubbing the bridge of his nose.
“What’s up?”
“Better. Okay, don’t scream at me.”
“I can’t promise that.” Regulus joked.
“I’m not going out with Amos. I lied. I don’t even know if he likes dudes. I haven’t spoken to him since 3rd year when I pushed him down the stairs, for stepping on Pandora’s new shoes. Regulus, what the fuck do I do.” Evan pleaded with him.
“Why the hell would you say you’re taking him out then?!” Regulus whisper screamed, even though there was a silencing spell.
“He was bragging about Elias! You heard him bragging, Reggie. I had to do something.” Evan pouted.
“So you fucking made up a relationship?! With a probably straight man?!” Regulus knew his friends were idiots but for the love of Hades, this was a lot.
“Reggie, you have to help me get with him. Please, I’ll buy you like 20 books! Just please, fucking help me, man.” Evan pleaded.
“Fucking fine. Merlin, you really are a moron.” Regulus rolled his eyes.
Evan jumped up and slapped a disgusting sloppy kiss on Regulus’ cheek, “THANK YOU! You’re lovely, you’re so lovely, have I ever told you that you’re lovely.”
“Get out of my bed before I burn off your pubic hair and shove it down your throat.”
—-------------------------------------------------------------------
Regulus had spent his whole night trying to figure out how to help Evan, he’d fallen asleep at some ungodly hour of the morning only to have to drag himself down to breakfast at 8am, except of course the universe hates him so he didn’t make it past the Slytherin common room exit.
“You’re up late.” James smiled at him.
“It’s 8am. Why are you here?”
“You said you wanted me to teach you to skate.”
“Yeah, at a proper, more functioning hour.”
“Well, I just figured with our schedules it’d make it hard so we should fill our mornings with it.”
“And I figured you had enough of a brain to realise how utterly stupid that is.”
James laughed, “So, would you rather I teach you in the afternoons?”
“Yes, any person with common sense could’ve figured that out, Potter” Regulus rolled his eyes.
“James.”
“Why are you talking to yourself? Godrick, you’re strange.”
“Call me, James.” Was he ever going to drop that?
“No. Also, don’t show up at my common room again.”
“Why?”
“Because, you’re lucky you didn’t get cursed to tartarus and back, this time. I cannot imagine what’d happen if there was a next time.”
“Okay, but what if I want to find you?” James questioned as if that’s a situation they’d ever be in.
“Don’t.”
“But if it’s important?”
“Wait.”
“But if it’s really important?”
“I doubt it is.”
James laughed, “Okay, fine, I won’t go to your common room. Anyways, are we skating today or not?”
“You couldn’t decide to do this on a day I felt less dead.” Regulus joked.
“Dead? Are you alright? Want me to get Sirius?” He sounded genuinely concerned.
“A joke, James.” Regulus clocked his own mistake before James.
“JAMES! YOU SAID IT! Wait- no, I won’t make this a big thing. I didn’t even notice. You should do it again because I didn’t even notice, I doubt I would notice it next time.” James gave him the biggest lopsided grin. It made Regulus want to throw him out the nearest window, or maybe just kiss him, both are probable answers.
“My last class ends at 2:30, you can either meet me by the library at 2:40 or don’t come at all.” Regulus has no idea why he’s being so standoffish when he’s the one who needs this, not James.
“My last class ends at 3.” James looked at him with his eyes all sad. How was Regulus supposed to not bend his day for him?
“Then you better be there at 3:10, Potter.” Regulus felt weak for giving in so easily but Merlin, was James’ smile worth it.
“Yes! Okay, you will not regret this, I swear it. It’ll be so much fun.” he smiled practically jumping beside Regulus.
“Oh, I’m almost certain I will regret it, once I’ve broken multiple ribs and punctured my lung.” Regulus sarcastically smiled up at him.
“I don’t think you can puncture your lung, that's a bit dramatic. I mean, yes it’s a possibility that you could break a rib or two but you have multiple of those for a reason, right? So many to spare.” James laughed, waving little jazz hands.
“It doesn’t work like that, but now that you’ve said it, I feel like I finally understand you, Potter.” Regulus smiled.
“You do?” James’ cheeks reddened.
“Yeah. You’ve clearly decided that you also have enough brain cells to spare and share, meaning you’ve more than welcomed every one of the countless head injuries I assume you’ve had.” Regulus deadpanned.
“Godrick, Reggie! I thought you were gonna say something sweet for a second there!” James managed to say through laughs.
Regulus’ new life goal was to say something so witty and mean that it makes James Potter cry, not laugh. Or say something witty and mean enough that it makes him want to kiss him instead of just laugh (wow how coherent and sane are those thoughts).
“I’ve got to go. 3:10 on the dot or don’t come at all. Bye.” Regulus turned the corner not waiting for James’ reply.
Godrick, Regulus was a mess. The conversation lasted two minutes, maybe three at best, yet Regulus felt hot all over. He was not gonna survive this bet. Scratch that - he was not going to survive this day.
—-----------------------------------------------
When Regulus got to the great hall at lunch, Dorcas was already waiting by the door. She immediately grabbed onto his arm and yanked him over to a spot at the end of the table away from everyone, where only Pandora was (they know they’ll get in trouble for being there, yet they are never not at the Slytherin table.)
“I have problems.” Dorcas stated the second they’d all sat down.
“Don’t we all?” Regulus sighed, which then got him a ‘stop being a dramatic git’ slap on the hand by Pandora.
“I’m serious, Reg.”
“Oh, I didn’t realise, you just look so much different from yesterday, grand frére.” Regulus smirked at his stupid joke.
“Reggie.” Dorcas stared at him until he contended. “Okay, so basically, I may have gotten myself into a situation.”
“I’d say it’s a lot more than just a ‘situation’ but each to their own, I guess.” Pandora added.
“What’s the ‘situation’?”
“Well I’m so glad you asked,” She smiled wildly. “So, I was in class, as I tend to be on Tuesday mornings and I so happened to be seated next to McKinnon. You know Mckinnon?” Regulus nodded. “Well, I happened to be situated next to her-”
“Cass, you mentioned. Move along, come on.” Regulus cut in.
“You’re right, you’re right, you are always so right. Well I was next to her and she and her friends were doing that weird dramatic stare thingy straights do when they are separated from a friend in class. So, I joked to her, ‘wow, you know, when you look at Macdonald like that, it’s almost as if you two are a couple.’ IT WAS A JOKE REGULUS! She looked me in the eye and said, ‘Nah, me and Mary have never seen each other like that. Shame though, we’d make a hot couple.” AND SHE LAUGHED! So I was there, in pure homosexual shock, trying to figure out if it was a friendly joke or a ‘Hey, I’m gay!’ kinda way.” She stopped to catch her breath but Regulus cut her off before she could continue.
“Wow… that’s… wow…”
“Regulus, tell her not to do what she’s planning on doing.” Pandora pleaded.
“I’m sorry- just- gimme a second- wow…. Cass that’s like… wow…”
“STOP SAYING WOW!” Dorcas dug her hands into her hair.
“Okay, Okay, what do you want my help with?”
“Reggie no, run, don’t listen to anything she says, Reggie go.” Pandora cautioned.
“It can’t be that bad.”
“You’re skating with James today, right?”
“Oh, it is that bad. Okay well nice talking to you. Dora, let’s get you back to your table.” Regulus stood grabbing onto Pandora.
“REGULUS PLEASE! You know I’ve liked her since 5th. It’s your duty as my best friend to do this for me!” Dorcas begged.
“No, Dorcas.”
“Regulus, I’m begging. Don’t be an ass. Pleaseeeee.”
“Fucking- fine. What do you want me to do?” Pandora sighed and shook their head.
“Try to get James to tell you if she’s, you know…” Dorcas waved her hands in circles.
“Tarty? Spicey? Flavoured? Fruity?” Pandora offered.
“Ew, to all of them.” Regulus rolled his eyes, “But, fine. Though I’m telling you, James isn’t like that, he wouldn’t tell me. He wouldn’t betray his friends' trust.”
“But, you’ll still try?” Dorcas pressed.
“Yes, I’ll try.”
“Okay now that that’s over, what the fuck did you do to my brother?” Pandora accused.
“What do you mean? Is Ev okay?” Dorcas cut in.
“I don’t know, ask Regulus.” Pandora eyes him.
“Dora, in my defence, it was his fault.” Regulus argued.
“His fault? What was his fault? What’s going on?” Pandora interrogated.
“If he hasn’t told you then he doesn’t want you knowing, I can’t just expose him.” Regulus concluded.
“Fine.” Pandora grabbed his tie and pulled him over to Evan, “Is Regulus allowed to tell me why you’re sad?”
“You could’ve just asked me? And I’m not sad?” Evan sated confusedly
“Yes, you are.”
“It’s fine, Regulus is about to help me fix it. Aren’t you, Reggie?” He smiled at him.
“Against my better judgement but yes.”
“Well, tell me what he’s helping.” Pandora demanded.
“Yeah, what’s going on?” Barty jumped in.
“It doesn’t concern you.” Evan got up and grabbed onto Regulus and Pandora while eyeing Dorcas and Barty, “Either of you.” Then hurriedly pulled Regulus and Pandora off. Once they’d turned a few corners and were sitting in a semi-private area, Evan turned to Pandora, “Basically, I told Barty I got Amos Diggory to go on a date with me, but it was a lie. Now Regulus has to get me on a date with Amos Diggory.”
“Mind you, I haven’t spoken to him since third year when I cursed him for punching Evan in the face after Evan pushed him down the stairs for stepping on your shoes.” Regulus cut in.
“Wow, you’re an idiot.”
“I realised, thanks Pans.” Evan deadpanned.
“It’s a shame I’m not doing Care For Magical Creatures with him anymore, could’ve helped. Oh, and he and Peter were amazing work partners.” Pandora smiled softly.
“Wait… Peter Pettigrew?” Evan questioned.
“Yeah, why?”
“As in - Sirius Black’s best friend? As in - James Potter’s best friend? As in - very much connected to our good friend Regulus Black?” Evan asked, eyeing Regulus.
“Yes of course.” Pandora answered not understanding what was happening.
“Reggie.”
“No.”
“Please.”
“Fucking hell, fine.” Evan launched himself onto Regulus hugging him screaming his thank you’s.
Regulus decided he needed a lot of time to himself, realising just how much he had on his plate now. So, he did as he did best, “Bye.” and quickly got up and walked away, hearing Pandora and Evan getting up to walk after him, he switched to his Animagus form immediately after turning the corner. A small black cat. He ran straight to the astronomy tower, only changing back when he knew no one was there.
He just needed to think, everything was moving far too fast, this was meant to be a slow process that ended with all his friends in happy world ending romances. So, how is it now him playing middle man between Evan-Sirius-Peter-Amos which inevitably falls to Barty but also playing middle man between Dorcas-James-Marlene whilst also trying to keep up a rouse to his friends that he’s actively trying to be with James Potter (which he most certainly is not because James is straight - just because a man wears nail polish does not mean he’d snog a bloke). It was a fucking mess, he was already tired. So of course the universe throws another obstacle at him.
“Baby Black.” Regulus turns around to see Lupin, Sirius’ current obsession (though to be fair - from what Regulus has seen it's been his obsession for the past few years).
“Lupin?” Regulus questions, completely confused on why he was being cornered by his brother's lanky boyfriend. “Is Sirius okay?”
“Yeah? Why wouldn’t he be?” Remus asked, concern crossing his features.
“Well, why else would you clearly stalk me and follow me here?”
“I need your help with something.” Remus stated as if that was something normal for them to seek from each other.
“Come again?”
“I said, I need your help.”
“Why in Merlin’s beard would you need my help?”
“It's about Sirius…” Remus confessed as if that changes anything.
“So, he’s not okay?” Regulus didn’t like how scared he felt.
“No, he’s fine… It’s more me who isn’t.” Remus stated as if Regulus was supposed to care for his well being.
“And this concerns me how?”
“Because it’s about your brother.”
“And you’ve yet to mention his part in this.”
“Look, I’ll get right to it.”
“Finally.”
“I need you to get Sirius to realise he can be with me romantically.” Remus just threw that out there as if that didn’t stop multiple things in Regulus’ mind.
“Is he not your boyfriend?” Regulus questioned.
“No? Well, he might as well be. We flirt constantly, we’re both open to each other about our… preferences.” Remus ranted as if this was in any way an appropriate conversation to be having.
“So, you have yet to get to the issue.”
“I don’t think he realises he’s allowed to want me as more than a friend. He clearly likes me Regulus, I’m not an idiot. He just doesn’t realise he’s allowed to.”
“Isn’t this a conversation for you to be having?”
“I don’t want to push him.” Remus looked like a fearful child, a very weird juxtaposition to what Regulus was used to seeing from him.
“Again, what does this have to do with me?”
“I need you to talk to him or hint at it? Or show him, I don’t fucking know kiss Dorcas or something.” Regulus’ mind screamed at the suggestion.
“Why in Godricks name, would I do this for you?” Regulus questioned.
“Because he’s your brother and I care about him and he cares about me and he’d be happier with me than he is without me.” Remus smiled, as if that alone would be enough to get Regulus on board (it would but he was gonna milk this as much as he can).
“Wow, sounds lovely.” Regulus rolled his eyes, “What’s in it for me?”
“Your brother's happiness?” Regulus rolled his eyes again and began to get up to leave, “Fine, I’ll pay for your next Hogsmeade trip.” He promised.
“I don’t need your money, Lupin. I have more than enough. So this is unappealing to me, goodbye.”
“I won’t tell Sirius you’re about to use him to get to Peter to get to Diggory to set him up with Rosier. Also won’t tell anyone you’re an illegal animagus.” Blackmail… maybe Lupin isn’t that bad after all.
“Weak blackmail, 5.5/10. Do better, Lupin.” Remus looked like he’d accepted the challenge.
“That girl you’re learning to skate for, awfully vague.”
Regulus laughed, “And you have no backing for the claim I know you’re throwing at me.”
“Maybe… or does this all conveniently get you close to someone I watched you watch all summer break… well, when you allowed yourself to be seen that is.” Regulus went pink. Maybe Sirius’ boyfriend/not boyfriend isn’t that horrible.
“Fine, I’ll talk to my brother.”
“Don’t be obvious with it.”
“Oh, gods no.” Regulus teased.
“Just, be subtle and don’t push him. Seriously, Reg, don’t push him.”
“What is it with you ‘Marauders’ thinking you have the right to call me that name?” Regulus rolled his eyes, “Now piss off, I came here to be alone, not to be pestered.”
“Thanks, Reg. Seriously, I owe you like- ten.” Regulus didn’t respond so Remus made his way out. Godrick Sirius must have him wound tightly around his finger, the great composed casanova of Gryffindor tower’s falling ass over tits and being rather pathetic just to have Sirius realise, he’s a possibility.
Regulus rested his head against the wall breathing in the air for a second. How’d he come here to run away from the millions of problems he had to unravel just to be given another and his day wasn’t even over, he still had to deal with James.
Godrick, he really, truely is, royally fucked.