Chapter 1
There are hundreds of portraits in my house. It seems as if they are watching me, and in the past couple of days, it has felt as gotten worse. Our father makes sure we look at the portraits; we must remember our family legacies, which makes it harder for me to ignore them.
In this cold and dark place that my family likes to call home, there is not much for me to hold onto. My mother makes sure of that as we speak, having our servant cut my hair to make me look like my brother.
My brother. The days I've spent wondering what would happen if I left—finding myself on the street, factionless, and without my brother; my glimmer of hope in this hellhole. Perhaps I would have been able to persuade him to come with me; he is, after all, the only thing I can hold onto. I will never find out what could’ve happened if I left; it´s too late. I wasted many nights planning my free -
As the servant cuts the last piece, my mother says. "Cygnus Black, what are you daydreaming about?" I look at my reflection, barely recognizing myself. The boy they have created and mastered is looking back at me with empty eyes. I smile a little. Why can´t that be enough to trick everyone into believing that this is who I really am and not who they have made me up to be?
"Now, there is no need to be nervous; every member of our family has done perfectly," she says, looking at me with her empty grey eyes. How I hate those eyes; they look back at me in every reflection. As I stare into my eyes, I think about today. The day that will determine everything, the day of the aptitude test that will determine which faction I belong to. The day after today, at the Choosing Ceremony, I will decide. I will be making that decision—will I leave my family and be free of them but leave my brother behind? Or will I stay here for him?
"I am not, mother. I already know my choice." I say, not daring to look at her.
"Good, I am sure you`ll make us proud." She smiles, but I know that she means something else. Either you choose correctly or you know exactly what will happen. I smile back, knowing that this will be the most difficult decision I will ever have to make: Will I be selfish or selfless?
As I get up, I think about what this could mean. I think about my father, my mother, and my brother. My brother, the spitting image of her. Her full black hair is long and curled to perfection. Her blue dress clinging to her body, I wonder how she can breathe. What would she be like if she grew up in a different faction? Perhaps in abnegation, with a gray robe concealing her beauty. That is not her; the woman in front of me is the real her, the reason I have not properly looked at and understood my brother for years.
We walk together to the dining hall. My father is barely noticing me as he reads his newspaper, and my brother is sitting next to him like a mannequin, a prawn in their game. A morning like any other, not a care in their world for their children, making me want to leave even more, but there he sits, making me feel guilty for ever even thinking about leaving.
Our driver does not bother to look at us as we get in the car. Every time I look outside, I remember the last real summer my brother and I had. I turn to look at him. My little brother, Arcturus, my Regulus, my Reggie. He looks at me, not a single emotion coming through, as we walk to the queue. He resembles our parents in so many ways; some days it makes me hate him. As intelligent and emotionless as our erudite parents. It scares me how much I still love him.
As we wait, he talks to a boy from Candor. Regulus does not seem to be enjoying talking to him, but he still does; that is how we were taught. I think I have seen that Candor boy before-but he looks just like the rest of them: a black suit with a white tie. Just like genuine candor. The colors black and white represent the faction's foundation; honesty.
The buildings all look the same, narrow and gray. I imagine that the city once used to look very different. Before everything happened. Perhaps a different color for every house; plants from left to right, everyone riding the train together, united. Now only the Dauntless ride them.
Where our manor is, almost all of the war ruins have been fixed. However, perfect roads and perfect buildings do not exist in every neighborhood. I wonder how difficult it must be for them, how unfairly they have been treated over the years.
The building in which we will be tested today, is our school. A school so far from my imagination. Divided by social classes. I am not sure, but I think the lower classes don’t even have enough room to be properly taught. I have never understood why we weren’t taught together.
My mother once told me, "Don’t think about that, the other children are sick, and you shall never talk to them, they are unworthy of your time." She never really answered my questions, anyway.
"Reggie?" I say.
"What?" he says, not really looking at me.
"Are you ready for the Aptitude tests today?" I know he is anxious, because I am as well.
He nods, looks at me for a short moment. I can see his face soften for a second, I smile at him. I do not say it aloud, but I hope he understands that I got him. I freeze as we walk in. It feels different; I can tell everyone is either nervous or excited. After all, this might be the last time we are in this building, and no one has a clue what this test will mean for each individual. Some factions still send their children here for their education, but most of them don’t. Education either gets very specific or loses all meaning and is stopped. We have our last class until lunch, which is when the tests start. I am scared that this might be my last day with my brother. I still am unsure of what I will choose, but I am even more nervous about his decision; what if he stays with them.
My heart rate is going faster; almost as fast as when I’m being punished. I have started to become numb to the beating of my heart.
"Regulus, do you know what you will choose?" I ask quietly, almost certain that he didn’t hear it.
He pauses before we split in the hallway to attend our different classes for the day.
Regulus tilts his head. "Do you?"
I ponder for a second, I so desperately want to be honest with him; but I cannot. Never here, never at home, never ever.He would think, if his big brother told him, that he would do anything not to lose him. That is the question: which faction-Abnegation, Candor, Erudite, Amity, or Dauntless? is always followed by the question: what about regulus?
How could he not think about his brother, who is the sole reason he is still alive today?
Instead, I look at him, raising an eyebrow, and say, "Of course, brother."
He smiles at me. Oh, how I have missed that sweet smile. "Well then, it is settled. Have a good day."
As I walk towards my lesson, I still think about him. What I would do to be able, to just take him by his hand, and leave to a place far away, a place no one can hurt us, hurt him. I also realize he never answered my question. There used to be days, in which I could have sworn that I knew what Regulus was thinking, but as we grew older, that became harder by the hour. I bump into someone.
The hallways are full of kids from every faction, the only place and time when this is really allowed. The ginger girl I bumped into is from Abnegation, she apologizes and quickly leaves. I wish I could have told her not to worry, that it was as much my fault as it was hers. Nevertheless, she disappears, and I could have never told her that. It would ruin the image of our family.
The big crowd feels frantic, almost like everyone knows this is the end, a sad feeling goes through me as I look into all of their faces. I am literally slapped out of my daydreams. A boy -amity- next to me, brown skin, and crazy hair is waving to a friend across the hall. I recognize the boy across the hall, from erudite, I have not seen him much since he is not part of a noble family, and curtesy to my lovely mother, I think.
"Sorry, Mate, I didn’t mean to hit you." The one next to me says.
As I start to tell him that it´s fine, his friend pulls him away. That's all there is to it.
I wonder if they will stay in their factions. Most amity kids do, I imagine it is a lovely faction. Even though my mother has always told me that they are good people, I know she despises them, calls them naïve.
My cheek is warm. I do not feel the pain. I never do.
A few people saw what had happened, but no one dared to look at me. That is what they know; do not dare to speak to the noblest of families. My parents used to say that it is better like that, it is for our own wellbeing, our protection. I used to believe them I really did, but when I started to feel less protected in my own home, I knew they were wrong. It's only that way because my parents believe we're superioir; better than everyone else.
I continue to walk to my seat in class. The one closest to the window. There they are. The dauntless. Ever since I can remember, I've been watching them... every single morning. Dauntless and Abnegation, one worse than the other, is what my mother would say to me. Therefore, I began watching them as they jumped off the train, ran through the city, and fought. My mother would call them reckless fools. She respected them, since they protected and fought for the city, but she would never even think about her sons belonging to that faction, let alone let us think about them. What I see is that they are pierced and tattooed. Their clothing was black. What I know is that they protect the city from whatever is behind the fence.
From what I have been taught to think about them, I should be disgusted and scared by them. I should promise myself to never act like that. Free, careless, and most importantly, brave. But I never seem to be able to take my eyes off of them.