Waking up, james immediately knows today is a wonky day. Thats how he describes these kind of days. Just wonky.
The kind of day where he can feel every seam in his clothes, can hear every voice in every room and really just a day where his brain is screaming at him constantly, making him want to pull his hair out.
Squeezing his eyes shut, he balls up his fists and wills that feeling to go away. All of those sensitive bits that make it impossible to function.
James takes a steadying breath, clenching and unclenching his hands repeatedly in a unconscious stim. Again and again and again.
He knows he needs to get up but everything is on fire. It’s all wrong. So so wrong and james aches with it. A deep ache, right to his bones. But he needs to get up because that’s what he does every day. He gets up and he gets on with life, no matter how much everything burns.
It’s simple.
routine
routine
routine
Climbing out of his bed, james hisses at the cold on his sensitive feet, biting his lip as tears gather in his eyes. He begins his routine like every other morning, yet unlike most mornings where he feels calm and safe in his meticulous and repetitive routine, today nothing quite feels right. Showering feels wrong, brushing his teeth feels wrong, getting dressed feels wrong, (even as he carefully does it in the order he likes)
And when he’s done? Sitting still on his bed feels wrong. He can feel every scratch of his clothes, every hair on his body and the way Peter is snoring makes his his body feel like it was on fire. And most of all, James just wants to curl up under his bed like he did as a kid when he felt wonky, but he can’t, because that’s not the way the world works and james knows that.
He knows for sure that his friends would support him If thats what he wanted to do with his day, and he knows that they would understand, but he can’t just do that, he simply can’t. So he marches on through his day, onto the next step and the next.
Moving down the stairs, he takes deep breaths as he counts his steps, trying to keep himself calm. As he makes it to the common room he knows he has to pull himself together when he sees a few of his friends up and lounging before they make their way down to breakfast.
He sends them a manufactured grin, smile not quite reaching his eyes and his mouth feels all funny but he tries nonetheless.
Most of them simply smiled back, but some gave him odd looks for a reason James can’t quite put his finger on. Either way, he simply keeps walking, counting his steps as he hopes and prays no one will flag him down for a conversation, because he knows for sure that today he won’t have any words left at all, despite not having talked today. And no, he guesses he hadn’t tried to speak yet, but he’s sure if he opened his mouth nothing would come out. Not even a sound. Some days his words simply escape him, and it’s just the way he is.
No one flags him down and james finds himself letting out the breath he didn’t realise he was holding, as he keeps on moving through the castle. Winding round stairs as he goes.
Eventually he makes it to the courtyard and james wiggles his fingers one last time before he steps out into the cold of the winter breeze. He’s not particularly dressed appropriately but he can’t find it in himself to care.
James had always liked the cold, he felt drawn to it in a way. He always loved the tingle of his fingertips and toes, the slight sting of his cheeks and the way he could see his breath in the air. It was calming. Serene even, and it always confused James when his friends would try to make him rug up for the cold. Why would he want to give this feeling away?
But today? Today the cold makes him ache. It’s not calming like it was yesterday. Today the wet, cold snow is seeping into his socks in a way that makes james gag. Today the snow is so bright James finds himself squinting his eyes in distress.
He stands there for a moment, stuck in motion. Maybe it’s more that a few moments, he’s not completely sure at this point but all he knows is that everything feels wrong. So very wrong.
Eventually he finds himself able to move, and he turns himself around and starts his walk towards the great hall, and james knows somethings going to go horribly wrong, and he wants nothing more than to go curl up under his bed and lay there for hours. But he can’t. He has things to do he just can’t.
He pauses outside the great hall for a moment, the sound overwhelming him almost immediately, his ears ringing at the shrieks of the first years gathered near the entrance. And the further he walks towards his friends the more he wishes he never got out of bed.
Eventually, james makes it to his friends, wordlessly sitting down between remus and Peter. Constructing a smile as real as possible, james hopes that none of them question his mood today.
But ever his concerned friends, they all seem to click on to his less than happy mood immediately.
“Everything alright?” Sirius asks, pulling a face that leaks concern.
James only nods quietly, looking over the table full of food that makes him want to gag. He knows sirius is making faces at his other friends but he can’t find it in himself to care.
James sighs, looking up from the table towards his boyfriend who was sat with his friends at the slytherin table. Surprisingly, regulus already happens to be watching him and he tilts his head in question when they lock eyes. All James does in return is send him a half hearted shrug.
It probably worries his perceptive boyfriend but James is too tired to dwell on the implications, he knows regulus would help him feel better, even just a little. And much to James’ relief, regulus does stand up, muttering to his friends for a few moments before he begins to make his way over to him. James knows that regulus knows something wrong, and it makes his heart warm at the thought.
Regulus will understand. He always does.
“Hey love” regulus murmurs into his ear, after he made his way over to James’ table, sliding himself into the gap between remus and James, smiling gratefully as remus moves over to accommodate him.
James tries to muster up a realistic smile for him, but despite having regulus’ calming presence, James can’t seem to shake the ugly feeling away (no matter how much he clenches and unclenches his fists under the table, or how much he bounces his knee frantically)
Regulus nods slowly in what James hopes is understanding, and seemingly chooses his next words very carefully, eyeing him for a moments time before he begins to speak.
“Not hungry?” Regulus gestures to his empty plate, frowning subtly in a way that makes James feel a little guilty.
James just shakes his head slowly, biting his lips anxiously, as he begins to tap a rhythm onto the table, one two three, four times. Then again and again
Regulus only studies him for a moment, eye wide with concern as he takes in James’ slouched posture and lack of talking.
“no headphones love?” he questions quietly, and James just about loses it.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
James knew he had forgotten something he just knew it, something had been off and he knew it.
But now he’s panicking, because if he’s forgotten them what else is he missing?
His hands, which he didn’t realise were already shaking, fly up to his ears in a panicked haze, and it must show on his face as regulus is backtracking quickly, realising that that was infact not the right thing to say.
“Shit” he mutters under his breath, then “hey hey it’s alright, we’ll get them for you okay”
But his soothing tone does nothing to quell the panic sliding through his every muscle, an all consuming anxiety he knows well. It never gets easier though, never does the anxiety feel like it’s not going to kill him right then and there.
And it is going to kill him this time. He just knows it. The panic is in his chest and everything feels so out of his control that james physically gags, shaking his head in a blind panic, as he tries to find some semblance of safety.
His hands are flapping rapidly infront of him and someone must reach out for him because a hand meets his body and james gags once more, his dinner from the night before threatening to come up at the grating touch.
James shakes his head fiercely, opening his mouth to shout ‘go away! Please go!’ But nothing comes out and james is lost in his panic. The squeeze of his chest coming in waves as he sobs.
The tears are burning his face and james doesn’t know how to stop this feeling. He flaps his hands and hits his head with a balled up fist once- twice and… a hand stops his assault, restraining his only vice to feel better, and it burns it really burns.
No no no! He wants to shout. But he can’t and he doesn’t.
“Jamie I know you don’t want touch right now but I can’t have you hurting yourself”
No!
And he tries to hit again but the hand stops him once more.
All James can think now is that he needs to run.
And so he does.
Regulus pales as James stands up from his seat, ripping his hands out of regulus’ grasp. There are eyes on the pair in all directions but regulus can’t think of anything except for James. James who was running in the opposite direction.
“Fuck” he mutters, moving quickly out of his seat to chase his boyfriend down the hall, darting around the corner as the crowds re start their chatter which had stopped when people began to notice James’ meltdown.
Regulus knew this was going to become a problem when James came back to himself, and he hoped James wasn’t going to be too hard on himself as he usually was after a meltdown.
Still, he kept running through the halls, james a considerable amount of paces ahead of him, but regulus could still see him.
Eventually, James collapsed against a cool castle wall and regulus came to a kneel beside him. Brain swirling in an attempt to figure out how to help him.
He knew at this point there wasn’t much to do but sit and wait for it to be over, no matter how much much he wishes he could help.
It’s only when James begins to bang his head against the wall does regulus move, placing his hand between James and the wall, to cushion the back of his head. Regulus knows this self injuring behaviour isn’t uncommon for James during meltdowns, but it hurts his heart that James is feeling so overwhelmed that it’s what he resorts to.
They stay in that position a while before James eventually calms himself down enough to stop banging his head, and regulus sighs in relief that hopefully it means he feeling even a little better.
But the sound is still bothering James, and regulus knows this by the way he holds his hands over his ears, squeezing his head as he tries to block out any residual noise coming from down the hall. Regulus doesn’t think it’s working too well by the faces james is making, and he feels a little helpless as he watches him struggle.
Eventually loud footsteps move quickly down the hall, Sirius appearing a second later with James’ headphones. As much as regulus is grateful for the headphones he thinks Sirius could have been quieter as he got closer to them.
Regulus nods thankfully in his direction as Sirius gives him a thumbs up, turning to head back to give them some privacy
“Jamie” regulus whispers, trying not to overwhelm him with the noise too much, but also needing his attention.
James showed no signs of hearing him but regulus continued anyway,
“I’ve got your headphones here love, can I put them on for you?”
And James must somehow hear him as he’s lowering his hands from his ears, still sobbing loudly, yet he’s processing what regulus is saying so he hopes that means he’s feeling even a little better. Regulus quickly places the heavy duty headphones on his overwhelmed boyfriends head and james lets out a sigh of what regulus hopes is relief as his cries quieten down.
It takes a while for his cries to fully stop, and regulus is infinitely proud of James when he starts to do his deep breathing exercises his mum has taught him when he was little. It’s easy, four in, hold for four, out for four. Again and again.
It’s only when the students begin to trickle into the hallway does regulus start to worry, as James always felt super embarrassed after meltdowns, and regulus knew being seen by people (especially after they’d seen the beginning of his episode) would make him spiral.
“How about we get back to your dorm hey? Away from all these people?”
James only nods shakily, standing on trembling legs as regulus steers him around the corner, moving towards the gryffindoor common room.
They pause outside the entrance to the tower, james looking horribly anxious as he shakes his hands a little infront of him.
Regulus is sure James knows this isn’t going to be fun, as teenagers were naturally curious creatures and they would probably ask him all sorts of questions james shouldn’t have to answer. But in order to get to the safety of the dorms they have to go through the crowd of people likely in the common room since breakfast had just ended.
Pushing the portrait open, regulus prays no one will ask too many questions. James is pretty open about his autism to anyone who has asked before but he doesn’t think James could handle the questions being thrown at him right now, especially when he’s not talking.
Stepping through, regulus ducks his head towards James when he hesitates. “It’s okay, no one’s judging you” he murmurs, and James nods shakily as he looks down towards his feet, avoiding eye contact with everyone as regulus put a gentle hand on his back to guide him up towards the stairs.
Regulus wouldn’t normally touch him without asking first (especially after a meltdown) but this was a different circumstance, and as James wasn’t watching where he was going, regulus needed some way to guide him. Luckily James didn’t even flinch at the hand, as he continued walking silently.
Glaring at a few whispering gryffindoors, regulus hoped James couldn’t hear them through his headphones.
They pause for a moment before the steps as Sirius flags them down for a moment, and James plays with his own fingers, picking at his cuticles as he waits the ten seconds it takes for Sirius to relay his information.
“his soft clothes are in the clean hamper and his weighted blankets on moony’s bed” sirius mumbles to regulus who only nods thankfully, beginning to guide james up the stairs to his dorm.
Once they get there, regulus leads james to his bed, leaving him there as he moved quickly over to grab his weighted blanket, but as he turns back around James is already distressed again, tears sliding down his face silently as he rocks back and fourth.
“Oh love, you’ll be okay I promise”
James spends the rest of the day in a cocoon of his weighted blanket, sleeping off his wonky mood. He’s always exhausted after meltdowns and this time was no different. Regulus had stayed a little while before he had to go to class, but he’d come back to check on James periodically and James could tell from the fact that his friends hadn’t stopped in, that they were trying not to overwhelm him too much.
It’s around dinner time when James finally feels stable enough to come out of his cocoon. Slipping his headphones off and stretching his legs, James lets out a sigh, loud in the quiet of the dorm. He still feels wonky, it doesn’t just go away because of a meltdown and a nap, but it’s lessened, and james doesn’t know how but he sure isn’t going to complain.
Its only after James has gone to the bathroom to splash water on his face does he hear the door to the dorm open, and leaving the bathroom he finds his boyfriend shuffling into the room, and he watches as a smile falls onto regulus’ face at the sight of him out of bed.
“Hi” James smiles a little lopsidedly, surprising himself by finally being able to get some words out.
“Hi” regulus beams, moving towards James in an instant, hands reaching towards him, “touch?” He asks, and James nods in relief, letting him hold his face In his hands. And it’s gentle, so gentle it makes James a little emotional.
“how are you feeling?” Regulus asks in that moment, and James leans into his touch as regulus wraps his arms around his middle. the touch doesn’t burn like it did before
James hesitates for a moment, stomach swirling with embarrassment suddenly. And he knew he shouldn’t be embarrassed. He knows regulus would never judge him but other people will. Other people that saw his meltdown and oh fuck they saw
They saw
They saw
They all saw.
“Everyone saw” James spoke, face crumbling at the thought.
“I’m sorry love” regulus whispered, pulling their foreheads to rest on one another, “I should have got you out of their sooner”
But James is shaking his head softly at him, “it’s not your fault, I shouldn’t have pushed myself to go to breakfast. I’m just embarrassed”
“You can’t help it, people know that”
“I know” James sighs lightly. He gets that he really does, but he knows there’s still people that will call him names and words they really shouldn’t say.
“I just wish I could control myself more, you know?” And regulus frowns, his eyebrows furrowing lightly as he takes james in. He looks like he wants to protest, to tell James he is in control, but it’s simply not the truth. Sometimes James just loses control, it’s just the way it happens, and that’s okay.
“I love you” he murmurs instead, and james knows that whatever is going to face him when he leaves his sanctuary of a dorm, that regulus will be right there with him. And that’s enough for him.