Chapter 1
The platform was as busy as ever, with delighted young witches and wizards scrambling to greet friends after the holiday break, parents waving goodbye as their children boarded the train and the flow of magic heavy in the air. But unlike usual, Sirius Black wasn't swept away by the magic of the moment, the awe of the shining black steam engine or the prospect of being reunited with his mates. Instead, he pulled his robe tighter around himself, seeking a little comfort as he shouldered his way through the masses and onto the train.
For the first time ever, Sirius dreaded seeing his friends.
It wasn't that he didn't want to see them; he so desperately wanted - no needed to see them. But he could never prepare himself for the shock on their faces after seeing him for the first time since the start of the summer break. As much as he wanted to deny it, he had changed. He could tell from the look on Regulus's face every time he was allowed to leave his room. The pitying, almost mournful gaze. He could tell from how his clothes hung so loosely that he had to use belts to keep his pants from falling because his mother refused to cast a shrinking charm. Even just the way he lacked his usual energy or excitement upon returning to Hogwarts. Upon finally getting away from his horrid family.
His heart had begun to thud violently in his chest as he approached the compartment they had claimed way back in first year. The others were already there, evident from the loud bangs and excited yelling - mostly on James's part. Sirius's stomach was churning in a way that almost made him sick right then and there as he pushed open the door.
"PADS!!"
Instantly he was tackled into a half hug, half headlock by his best friend.
"Garrhgittoff James!" Sirius grunted, giving the other boy a light shove. He didn't know if it was from affection or simply a lack of strength to give him a proper push.
"Oi! Someone didn't get their beauty sleep," James chuckled as he stepped back and finally met Sirius's eye. Immediately his face fell. "Hey, everything okay, Pads?" Sirius's stomach lurched as he dropped his head in shame.
"Yeah, Padfoot, you look like shit." Peter quipped, peering over James's shoulder, earning him a sharp elbow to the side. Sirius rolled his eyes, pushing past them both and lugging his trunk inside. He tried to ignore their eyes boring into the back of his head as he struggled with the overhead luggage compartment. After trying (and failing) for a couple of seconds, he spun back around to shoot them a defensive look,
"What?"
James's eyes were soft and longing for an answer as he stepped forward, "What happened mate?" Sirius had to look away. His chest dropped uncomfortably as a nervous, itching feeling fell over his body like pins and needles.
"Nothing happened, okay?" He managed to look up again at his best friend, "I'm fine, really, Prongs." James looked reluctant as he nodded, reaching up to shove Sirius's luggage properly into the compartment, letting a casual smile fall over his face.
"Okay. What do you guys reckon we should do for our first prank this year? It's gotta be big, sixth year and all." Sirius breathed a sigh of relief as he dropped into his seat. This was why he loved James. No matter what, he'd never push Sirius, only subtly letting him know he was there for him while keeping the conversation flowing easily, ready for Sirius to chip in whenever he wanted. Only this time, he only felt like sinking into his seat and sleeping the whole way to Hogwarts. Luckily Peter took no time to chime in with ideas and innocent ramblings, any previous concern long forgotten.
Sirius finally caught Remus's eye. The other boy was sitting across from him, silently observing as usual, except a deeply concerned look adorned his face. He knew Remus wouldn't ask him anything, yet his eyes were full of questions. A hard look settled on the werewolf's face, one that said he wasn't getting out of this so easily.
"Stop it." He grumbled, scuffing his shoes up on the ground in a kicking motion. Remus raised his brow, unimpressed, but dropped his gaze back to his book nonetheless.
"Bad summer?" It was almost inaudible, but Sirius didn't miss it.
"You guessed it," He replied soft tone. A sympathetic smile tugged at the corners of the other boy's mouth, but still, concern etched deep into his features.
The jerk and rattle of the door sliding open shifted all four boys' attention towards it as the outside ambience flowed into the small room.
"Anything from the trolley, dears?" The scratchy voice of the trolley lady seemingly made Sirius's skin crawl as a feeling of dread built inside him. Across the carriage, Peter's face lit up as he clapped his hands together in delight, and James cast a gleeful look his way,
"What do you reckon, Sirius? The whole lot?" Another wave of fear washed over him at the prospect of food. Not only that but food outside of a mealtime? His mother's shrill voice echoed through his mind, warning him.
Just look at the size of you.
You must start watching what you eat. No son of mine should look like that.
At this rate, you'll weigh more than the whole family combined.
Sirius shook his head hurriedly, scrambling for an excuse. "No, uh, not for me, Prongs. Had a big breakfast before I came." He grinned and rubbed his belly for good measure. A hint of a frown appeared on James's face for a fleeting moment before disappearing as he shrugged nonchalantly, looking back at Peter.
"More for us, right Wormy?"
They bought so much food Sirius feared he might get fat just from being around it. But he caught himself. Don't be stupid. That surely wasn't possible. He'd just keep to himself and stare out the window to avoid any temptation. That way, he could keep in shape and avoid his mother's wrath when he returned home. Sirius nodded to himself, the uneasy feeling settling in the pit of his stomach. But the more he sat there, the more he felt the grumble of hunger eating away at him. He hadn't eaten since lunchtime the day before, but if he ate now, he'd have to deal with the consequences - which he definitely didn't have the energy to manage.
"Want a square?" His attention snapped back to the boy in front of him, waving a chocolate bar in the air. The smooth, creamy texture almost called out to him. Surely just one square wouldn't hurt?
"No!"
Sirius gulped, taken aback by his own outburst and stiffening in his seat,
"Uh, no thanks. I think I'll go get changed now." He stood swiftly, silently cursing himself for being so obvious because now Remus was sure to find out, and he'd be busted. They'd all realised how messed up he'd become and drop him in no time. Then he'd really be alone. After all, who would want to be friends with a fuck up like him?
"You're not changing in here?" Confusion laced James's voice as Sirius sifted through his luggage, pulling his Gryffindor robes out and clutching them tightly to his chest.
"Just a bit cramped, don't you think?" He didn't sound convincing whatsoever, but he didn't care, not even waiting for a reply as he pushed out the door and headed towards the bathroom. He may be able to keep the questions at bay for now, but if his friends could see the state of his body hidden beneath his robes, it would be unbearable.
Once securely locked away in the bathroom, he glanced in the mirror for the first time in 2 months. At home, his mother had charmed all mirrors to reflect a fatter, pudgier boy than Sirius had ever been. Yet it had been so real that he couldn't help but fall for it himself, quickly growing to hate his reflection so much that he couldn't stand to look at it anymore. But now, the boy staring back at him was so different it was almost unrecognisable. Large purple bags lay heavy under his eyes, his cheeks were hollow, and even his mop of hair, which he used to care for so proudly, had fallen limp and thin. It was like he had lost himself.
He turned away before the tears threatened to spill, gently shrugging off his clothes not to upset the raw wounds littering his body. Each time he acted out, talked back or even breathed in the wrong direction, his mother found something worthy of punishment. The largest wounds were on his back, easy enough to hide, but there were enough to cover almost every inch of his body. Sirius shuddered as the fabric of his robes ran over his arms, the sting making him clench his teeth as he quickly shoved on the rest of his clothes. One final check to ensure his arms were fully concealed before barging back out the door into the aisle.
"Woah! Watch it Black!" Before he realised what was happening, he had stumbled right into Lily Evans, getting a face full of fiery red hair. Usually, Sirius would have a witty comeback lined up to shoot back at her, but he could only steady himself and apologise quietly.
"Sirius?" Her voice was soft but commanding. She didn't even have to say anything, and he knew what she was asking. She only used his actual name if there was something wrong.
"I know, Lily, okay? I don't want to talk about it." He sheepishly pulled on the ends of his sleeves, wanting nothing more but to bolt and never look back. But he knew that wouldn't work, not with Lily.
"Oh, Sirius," Her voice hitched, and he had to look away from the distraught look on her face as she studied him. Slowly, she reached out to the side of his neck, and he flinched as her warm fingers graced the skin of a new gash he didn't realise was showing. His stomach dropped as he hurried to cover it with his hand as if that might undo the fact that Lily had already seen it.
"Oh, that's uh, that's nothing, Lils, I swear." Even though they weren't exactly buddy-buddy, they had known each other for the past six years, and Lily had been there for him during late nights in the common room, always listening and offering comfort when he needed it. Then both of them pretended as if it had never happened around the others during the day, mostly for the sake of Sirius's pride. -
"Here, let me." She withdrew her hand and reached for her wand; Sirius glanced away as she swiped quickly at her eyes before silently casting a glamour charm. He didn't even have to check to know it was no longer visible - the tingling sensation was enough to let him know the spell had worked. He cracked a lopsided grin at the witch in front of him,
"Non-verbal magic already? Evans, you're bloody brilliant!" She smiled proudly as she tucked her wand away, taking a step back.
"I do try," She shrugged modestly, and then a serious look fell over her face, "Sirius...Promise me you have help, okay? The others.. They know what's going on, right?" Almost instantly, his smile vanished, and his eyes flicked away from hers and focused on the wall behind her.
"Yeah, don't worry, Lily." He didn't intend to mumble, but somehow he couldn't speak properly anymore. The anxiety itched at the back of his neck, and his face felt hot. The redheaded girl could only nod, the same look of worry taking over her features as his friends had just moments earlier. He needed to get out of there before he said anything else. He couldn't dump his problems onto Lily and expect her to help him feel better. It just wasn't fair. They were his problems, and he would deal with them himself. He managed a small smile as he slipped past her, murmuring a 'see you in a bit' as he went.
For the rest of the train ride, Sirius sat silently in the corner of their compartment. He gave a smile and a huff of a laugh at appropriate times but couldn't find the will to join in the conversation. He knew his friends noticed the change in his demeanour from the stolen glances and awkward silences where he was supposed to pitch in, but he couldn't find the energy to pretend everything was okay, not this time.