Remus Lupin had not set foot in a church since the last Christmas before his letter arrived. It had been, give or take, 10 years since then.
Religion was something that had been present in his upbringing, especially considering his father’s catholic beliefs, who urged for his son to be baptized soon after birth. Of course, as the years passed and Remus began to show magical abilities, the possibility of God existing and being present faded into the background. Easter and Christmas, that was all going to church turned into. Yet, Remus found himself in the darkened building well into the night, having allowed himself entrance to the church, lighting the few candles hanging off the walls.
It was a few nights after all his friends either passed away, or got locked up for betraying said friends, and Remus just felt so lost. There was nothing left but pain and despair, and Remus wished all of it would just end. He’d imagined what it had been like if he were in Sirius’ place in this instance, whether receiving the Kiss might lighten the load; he supposed it would.
As he paced the pews, he remembered enticing the idea of baptizing Harry; knowing full well James would never go for it. In total honesty, it had slightly put him off when Padf- Sirius had been asked to be Harry’s godfather, considering their clashing religious beliefs. Remus cowered when Lily convinced him it was merely a formality, that there would not even be an actual baptism.
The pathway to the altar felt endless, Remus walked the few steps up to it and lowered himself down to his knees. In his hands, he clasped the rosemary he was gifted by his grandmother one Christmas day right before attending Mass. His breathing evened out, and Remus forced himself to focus on one thing only. As he had done many years ago, Remus muttered a bible verse softly under his breath; still remembering all the words. He sat there in mere silence for as long as he needed, standing up afterwards and walking toward the confession stand, which was unoccupied on either side.
Remus much preferred it this way, speaking to the Priest was of course as close to talking with God as he would be able to get, but being in an empty confession booth meant he could imagine he was preaching to God directly.
He began his monologue; “Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned. This is my first confession, ever.” He sucked in a breath, almost expecting a reaction. “I feel lost in every sense of the word. I have nothing left, all my friends have gone, and my family has all passed on. I do not have any hope left. I want someone to tell me what to do, because I have not a single idea as to what I am supposed to be doing.”
Remus was reminded of his father’s story, how he would get as close to the ground as he could when he really needed God to hear him. The sudden need to kneel overtook Remus, his knees hit the cold hard stone and with that the pressure in his throat escaped, and he started crying. In between the tears, Remus continued to let his prayers and fears run free.
Previously, Remus had not set foot in a church in well over ten years; his prayers had never seized. He emerged from the church half an hour later, eyes puffy and his heart still heavy; yet it seemed more bearable now.