Chapter 7
James was tired. Really tired, all the time it seemed. His life never appeared to stop, and he started to feel like a lot had turned into too much and all he wanted to do was stop.
But he couldn't stop, not when everyone relied on him so much.
So he kept going.
James was writing in his journal, when lily came in and flipped onto the sofa with a groan.
That probably meant more work.
Turns out it was another stupid party they didn't need, and James usually liked partying.
“-we have to plan Christmas, I've gotta do this now, I have that exam to study for and it's Pandora's birthday soon so I need to plan that too, I don't think I've ever been so unhappy to plan a party, it's just too much”
“I could do it” he suggested. He had nothing to lose by doing it. He might as well throw his friends a good party even if he didn't plan on being around for it.
“No you couldn't, you're even busier than me” the girl said dejectedly. She was right, of course, but she deserved the rest more, given all she's been through.
“Lily” he looked at her.
“James”.
“Trust me, I can handle it. Go home, see your family, ace your exams. I've got you.”
He tried to persuade her.
Fine, as long as you're sure though” she said, giving in.
He stood, grabbed his book and tried his best to grin at her, although it felt tight.
He was going to be the best help to Lily as head boy he could even if it killed him.
“You're the right weight for you though. What's healthy for someone else might not be healthy for you” he said to Peter
It was bizarre how the other boy didn't seem to realise he was perfectly healthy. He didn't need to be skinny like James did, as skinny as he could be to be more aerodynamic on his broom for Quidditch. He was the captain after all, he couldn't be slow.
After he had managed to convince Peter to eat, his favourite of all things too,
he stood up and left, reminding himself that he needed to practice, not eat right now. He was sure he could grab a snack from the kitchens later, the house elves liked him well enough.
A month or two later was when James started to realise the exhaustion wasn't going away. It was getting worse. Each morning it got harder to leave his bed, to laugh and joke, and every smile felt like a strain. He didn't know when or why life suddenly felt like a battle but he was losing.
He just felt so ungrateful. Remus had been through the horrors of being a werewolf, he had the scars to bear from it, and a dodgy living situation. He would have a reason to be sad. And speaking of dodgy living situations, Sirius and Regulus were survivors of horrifying abuse, they both had a full right to feel disquiet. And Peter and Lily both had issues that he himself had been doing his best to help with.
But James? He had no basis for his constant low. But it was his friends who needed his help so that's what he did. He solved their problems, he made everyone smile, he was always happy, sunshine James.
He didn't think he could do it much longer.
He had had one last mission though. Get Remus and Sirius together.
So that's what he did. It wasn't hard really, the fools were both head over heels for each other, all he had to do was nudge them in the right direction.
And there he had it, all his friends content. He knew his death would hit them hard, but he was sure they would get over it eventually. He knew he cared about them more than they cared about him, he accepted that fact years ago, they'd accept him dying too, he was sure.
Regulus would move on.
James thought to himself as he looked over into the dark abyss off the edge of the astronomy tower. Regulus liked it there.
He wasn't afraid, more peaceful than anything at the idea he could finally rest, although he was slightly upset at the thought of his mates waking up to the news he was gone.
He had thought about writing them letters, but he just teared up any time he tried. With no letters he would be easier to forget he guessed. Still, the idea them and his parents would never know why he did what he was going to do was enough to stream tears down his face as he bent his knees to jump.
“DON'T” someone yelled, freezing him in the air with a levitation charm.
“Turn round” the familiar voice said.
He forgot Regulus liked to sit up there.
James slowly turned, mentally preparing himself for his boyfriends reaction.
He saw the blood drain from the other boy's face.
“Please tell me you were just testing some weird invention of yours” he pleaded somewhat halfheartedly, as if he already knew the answer.
James just shook his head with tears streaming down his face. Imagine if Regulus had seen him jump. That would've been traumatizing for him.
“I'm sorry” he whispered.
When Regulus asked what happened, everything suddenly spilled out; but just as he was trying to convince him it was for the best he was suddenly interrupted.
“Promise you won't” Regulus said.
No.
Not a promise.
Regulus knew James never broke his promises.
“Reg, I don't t-”
“Promise James. Or else I'm telling your mother, and I'm telling Sirius. Think what would this do to them, what would it do to me?”
That made James wince internally. He'd already felt beyond awful about that.
”Promise, please.” Regulus begged him.
He considered all his options before finally settling on conceding.
“Okay Regulus. I promise.”
James was lying beside Regulus in the boy's bed staring up at the ceiling. After his boyfriend had dragged him back to the Slytherin dorms to keep an eye on him, he had only gotten maybe an hour or two of sleep before waking once again. Regulus was still asleep. James would miss him.
He took the opportunity and slipped quietly out of the bed, not bothering to change, or put on shoes, just grabbing his invisibility cloak to escape unseen. Hopefully Sirius would make good use of it without him.
He reached the turret and walked up to the edge and stepped up, and almost over, only hesitating for a minute when he caught the sight of the regulus constellation.
“I'm sorry I broke my promise” James whispered before falling into the darkness.