Did you ever really need somebody
1 6 th of February, 1969
Sitting in front of her, Michael opened the book for what must have been the 10 th time that week. Marlene curled up her knees in anticipation and threw her head back, nearly toppling over, barely catching herself and finally leaning against the bed frame, before looking at her brother seemingly completely unbothered. Michael on the other hand was stuck between laughing and worrying about his little sister. He leaned up to her stroking his hand over her back, not quite convinced of her well-being, even though she reassured him multiple times.
“I’m fine. Now get on with the story, I’m bored.”, Marlene pouted and after checking again if everything really was fine Michael returned to his seat at the bed end and cleared his throat:
“Chapter 13. A noise in the night. It was Timmy who first knew there was somebody not far off. He pricked up his ears and listened. George saw him. What is it Tim? she said Nobody is coming here surely?” Michael had altered his voice to sound all squeaky, in an obvious attempt of poking fun at Marlene.
“You’re doing it wrong.”, she cried. “George doesn’t sound like that. Do it right.”
Michael crossed his arms in front of him, made a face, pretending to be highly offended by that criticism, and said:
“You should be lucky I read to you at all, as I’ve already read-”
- “all the 21 Famous Five books at least two times each.”, Marlene interrupted him. “Yeah, I know. But I haven’t and you promised you’d read them to me.”
- “ I know, I know”, Michael retorted, “I just wanted to remind you that I didn’t have such a nice sibling when I was your age. I had to read all the books by myself." Marlene scoffed. She obviously realized Michael was trying to get out of his reading duty, by annoying her until she kicked him out of her room, but she wasn’t going to give in so easily. But before she could answer with some snide comment Michael continued.
“I don’t even know why you’d want to read them anyway, or rather have me read them to you. We’ve got wizard books in the shelf downstairs and we both know those are way cooler, than the muggle ones. I mean, I read them because my mates did too, but I suppose your peers would rather be reading St. Claire’s or something like that. Though Famous Five is obviously way cooler…” he drifted off and Marlene hoped he would just completely forget the question he had asked her. She didn’t think it would help his ego, if she told him it was because she had been fascinated by the story from the moment he had first told her about that new series everyone in his year was reading. Or even because she so desperately wanted to have something to talk about with him. So instead of waiting for him to ask her again, she rather urged him to continue the story. Right as Michael cleared his throat again, (something he loved to do before reading out loud, according to him it made everything he said sound important) their mum entered the room. Both Michael and Marlene raised their head at her with a questioning look.
“Could you two come downstairs for a second? Dad and I want to tell you something.” She looked quite anxious, so much so that Marlene worryingly turned her head to face Michael. Though it was a small detail she noticed that he didn’t scrunch up his nose at the word “dad”, as he usually did. Marlene had never quite gotten why he made such a fuss about it. Yes, Dad had only been living with them for four years but he might as well have been there for ever. Not that Marlene remembered much of the stuff that happened before she was 5 years old anyway. She reasoned it probably had to do with Michael being the older sibling, according to him that made a huge difference and he was in fact usually right. Also according to Michael it was wrong to call a “random man”, as he had named Chris in secret, “Dad” and as usual he had always been quite convinced by this opinion. It was very out of character for him to just let go of his beliefs, which made Marlene only worry even more. When she stood up and walked downstairs next to her brother she reached for his hand and he took it immediately, gripping it hard. Mum led them to the dining area and sat them down opposite of the chair next to Dad’s, in which she took seat. After a few seconds of awkward silence Dad slightly coughed, apparently signing Mum it was her job to tell them the matter. Sighing she took a deep breath, alternating between looking first into Michael’s and then into Marlene’s eyes, before deciding on Michael and saying:
“I know that you know what this is about, but please don’t say anything before I’m done with explaining it to your sister. You know how hard it is.” Michael just scoffed at this staring down at the table and Marlene’s confusion grew by the second.
“Explain me what?”, she asked. “Did something bad happen?” At remark Michael laughed but Marlene could hear he was on the verge of tears. When she turned back to look at her mother she realized her eyes were wetting to.
“Oh, Marlene.”, she said slightly chuckling, though her voice was shaky. “You know how you love your brother very much?” - “Yeah, of course.” - “Well, sometimes you have a fight and sometimes you don’t like each other at all, right?”
Marlene was beyond confusion and slowly nodded. “It’s the same with Mum and Dad, sometimes we love each other very much and sometimes we can’t stand each other.”
Oh. So that’s what this was all about. She should have known just by looking into her family’s eyes. They all seemed to pity her, thinking that she didn’t understand real life, that she didn’t know what was going on. But she now knew very well.
“But we both decided we’ve been fighting to much in the past few months.”, Mum continued. “We don’t love each other often enough to live together. That’s why we decided, that you, Michael and I will move out next month. Believe me, it’s best for us all if you don’t have to live with fighting parents.” Michael didn’t even wait for her to finish that sentence, before he jumped up and ran to his room, trying to hold in his tears.
“Wait.”, Mum yelled, but Michael didn’t listen and loudly slammed the door to his room. Marlene on the other hand was frozen in place. She had known it was coming, but she thought if would deny it for just long enough it might not come true. Move out. The phrase seemed so easy, so nice. She knew what it really meant, of course. Michael had told her about it often enough, in an attempt to get her to hate Dad – or now only Chris. It meant to leave all your friends behind, everything you love and everything you know. It means to start new, somewhere you know no one. Only when she felt her mothers hands on her shoulders, comforting her, telling her it’s alright, did she realize she was crying hard.
“Isn’t there a spell to make you love each other?”, she sobbed. She knew there had to be. There was a spell for everything, cooking, levitating, reading and even teleporting. They used it all the time when they went to visit their grandparents.
“Oh, Marlene.”, Mum said again. “Love has to be real, you know? If the love isn’t real it might as well not be there at all.” Marlene didn’t understand that. After all, if you could make two people love each other with magic, why would anyone care if it was “real” love, or not?
Dad – Chris – hadn’t said anything the whole conversation and it seemed he didn’t plan on changing that rather leaving the talking to Mum, instead he just stood up and left for their – his – room. Mum now fully embraced Marlene, who was still violently sobbing. She wasn’t even sure whether it was because of Chris or because of the moving part. Maybe both. What she knew for sure wast hat she most definitely didn’t want to leave everything behind. Not because of some stupid relationship drama. Why did boys and girls always have to be so dramatic about love anyway? She herself at least had never had a crush on any of the boys in her grade, though a few of her mates told her they had their first crushes at some point in preschool. Sometimes she was pretty content with this and that afternoon, while Mum was embracing her, while she was bawling her eyes out, was one if those moments. In her opinion it was entirely stupid to force someone to just leave , because of “boy problems” and it made her mad that Mum didn’t seem to see that. Suddenly she wasn’t even sad any more and the crying stopped, instead she felt incredible rage. This was all Mums fault. She didn’t have to move. She didn’t have to ruin Michael’s and Marlene’s lives. But she still did. This thought made Marlene so mad that she pushed Mum away and did exactly what Michael had done only a few minutes earlier. Ignoring Mum’s yelling she stomped up the stairs and slammed her door. The Famous Five book still lay on her bed but Marlene didn’t feel like reading and the simple look of it made her sad all over again. Only half an hour ago she had begged Michael to read it to her, only half an hour ago she was happy and laughing, only half an hour ago the world had been okay. Of course she had overheard her parent’s – Mum’s and Chris’ – fights but they had never been something unusual or out of the ordinary. She had never realized it was that bad. Maybe she could’ve done something if she had realized. Maybe she could’ve stopped it. She may never know. Michael had certainly noticed, Marlene was sure of that. In hindsight it really made sense how he had acted the last few weeks.
But why hadn’t he told her? Maybe together they could’ve fixed everything. Maybe if they had worked together all this wouldn’t have happened. Then an idea struck her.
What if Michael didn’t want to fix it? She wanted to deny it, but it made to much sense. He probably was just mad about having to move, not loosing Dad – CHRIS get it into your head. But he wouldn’t have. He knew how much their family meant to Marlene and as much as he hated Chris, he’d never have put himself over her. He was way too protective for that. So, if Michael hadn’t kept all that information from her because he was selfish, then what other reason was there?
It’s your fault.
The voice in Marlene’s head was barely a whisper but the more she thought about it the more clear it seemed. Michael had been angry at her, because she had destroyed their family. Even though Marlene wasn’t quite sure how that was definitely the best explanation.
But how do you live with the knowledge of having ruined three people’s lives, four if you include your own? Incredible guilt flooded her. The clearer the image got the guiltier she felt. Michael would have to loose all his friends because of her. It wasn’t fair at all, if anyone should be punished, then only Marlene herself.
But wait
Maybe there was a way to fix it. Maybe, if she just stayed away from all of them, they would forget their fights. She would just have to be quiet and stay in the background long enough for them to overcome everything. She could probably start doing her homework on her own from now on and thus take less time away from Mum and (her maybe soon to be again) Dad with useless and stupid questions. On the weekends she could start taking the bus alone to visit her friends, so they wouldn’t have to waste time picking her up. And maybe she could -
Knock; Knock
Marlene’s train of thought was interrupted by two loud knocks on her bedroom door.
“Go away.”, she sniffled. Realizing that even though the tears ad stopped flowing she still hadn’t quite recovered from her crying fit.
Knock; Knock
Again, there were two even louder knocks on the door.
“I said, GO AWAY.”, she yelled. If she wanted to start keeping her distance from the family she might as well do it now.
“It’s just me. Can you let me in?”, a muffled voice sounded through the door. Michael. “I have to talk to you. It’s important.”
When Marlene didn’t make any move towards the door he tried his luck again.
“Please. Come on. Open up.”, he sounded like he was about to cry. Finally Marlene gave in and slowly walked towards the door. As soon as Michael entered, he shut the door behind him and lead Marlene over to her bed, where he first made her sit down and then took seat next to her.
“What-”, Marlene started but Michael laid a finger over his mouth, indicating her to be quiet and listen to him. He cleared his throat, though it didn’t seem as useless as normally, his voice was in fact quite stuffy, and started talking:
“Well, I don’t really know why exactly I’m here. I guess I just wanted to have someone to talk to, but I also wanted to check on you. You know, so you don’t make up your mind about how all of this is your fault or some shi- something.” Marlene raised her eyebrows, not because of the quick save, Michael did that all the time (according to him you were only allowed to swear when you turned ten, though Marlene was sure she remembered him using bad words way before his 10th birthday), but because she had thought about that only one or two minutes ago. Michael seemed to also realize that and continued: “I knew it. Not much of a surprise to be honest. I did it too and I bet everyone else in this situation didn’t act different. Well, I just came here to tell you that it most definitely isn’t your fault. You could’ve done nothing about it, something like that apparently just happens every once in a while with people like Mum.” Marlene wasn’t sure if people like Mum meant witches and wizards or something entirely different. She sure hoped for the latter because otherwise she’d have the same problem in the future and Michael as well. They were both magic after all, half-blood but magic.
By now Marlene and Michael had lain down next to each other, staring at the ceiling.
“I like you.” Marlene whispered it, as if it was a secret. It kinda seemed like one, everyone around them seemed to find it so hard to simply like each other.
“I like you too.” Michael whispered back. Marlene knew he normally hated that kind of girly behaviour, but today was not normal. Today they were allowed to be girly together, be siblings together.
“Should I start reading Chapter 13 again?” Michael asked.
“Yes, please.”
As Michael picked up the book and searched for the page, Marlene thought about what he had said a moment earlier. She wasn’t sure if she should really believe him, all of this did seem like at least a bit of her fault. But before she could elaborate on that thought, Michael had found the page and started reading again. This time without a mocking voice. And Marlene found herself drifting off too the story about mystery and adventures and friendship and a dog…
Marlene only woke up when Mum entered the room. Her hair stuck to her neck and it took her a few seconds to shake of the confusion. Next to her Michael was pretty much in the same situation as her, his hair was sticky and his face was red. Seeing each other looking quite distraught both of them broke out into a grin and a few chuckles. Only when they both turned to look at Mum, still standing in the doorway, did their smiles disappear as the weight of their situation began to sink in. Michael quickly stood up and excused himself and steered towards the door on his way to his room, but Mum stood in his way.
“I’d like if you stayed for a bit.”, she said, “I’ve got something important to talk about.”
Great. Probably more bad news. When Michael sat down next to Marlene he took her hand again and she gladly took it. They pressed each others hands as they waited for Mum to tell them what she came here for.
“You know how I said we’d move”, she reluctantly started. Michael looked at the floor and Marlene slightly nodded. “With that I mean we’ll leave here forever.”
Michael made a face. “Yeah, that’s what moving usually means.”
“Attitude, Michael.”, Mum scolded but it didn’t sound like she really meant it. Her thoughts were somewhere different and Marlene could tell.
“Anyway”, Mum continued,” I mean, that we’ll be leaving the country and moving to your Great Aunt’s house in Cambridge.”
Both Marlene and Michael were stunned for a second, but the older one of the two caught himself first.
“What?”, he asked. “I will NOT be moving somewhere I can barely speak the language.”
Now also Marlene had gotten over the first shock.
“Yeah. I mean, I can barely hold a conversation in English. You can’t do that, we’d be doomed.”
“I’m sorry-”, Mum retorted, though she didn’t sound it, “-but the decision is final. I already cleared everything with the Bureau, but I wanted to wait with telling you until it was final.”
“So we don’t have any chance at changing your mind about this, like maybe moving to Stuttgart instead?” Michael seemed appalled and Marlene couldn’t relate more. “That’s utter bullshit. You can’t force us to go somewhere we won’t even be able to talk.”, Michael continued.
Mum now really seemed annoyed. “Language, Michael. I won’t tell you again. I thought this could be a nice opportunity for you guys. And it’s not like you’ll be spending all your time in a muggle school, Michael, in 9 months you’ll be going to Hogwarts and everyone there will be new, there’s nothing to worry about.”
“NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT?!”, Michael’s face turned redder by the second and his voice cracked multiple times. “It’s a school with subjects I know barely anything about, that they’ll be teaching in a language I don’t know anything about and you say there’s nothing to worry about? That by far tops all the dumb things you said today.” Being so disrespectful was definitely not something Michael usually did, so not only was Marlene but Mum as well startled by that remark. Only that Mum caught herself quickly grabbing Michael by the arm.
“I told you to stop with that attitude. I think it’s a great opportunity for you and I thought you’d be grateful to get it, but it seems I overestimated you. Now go to you room.” She didn’t yell, though Marlene thought her hissing voice was just as if not even more scary. As Michael was leaving he rubbed his arm and threw one last grimace at Marlene before, disappearing around the corner.
Mum now turned to face Marlene.
“What about you? Do you hate the idea just as much?”, all the annoyance from her face was gone and instead she just seemed tired, burnt out if you will. Marlene wasn’t sure what to answer, obviously she was scared, but at the same time she still wasn’t sure whether this might have been her fault, in which case it would seem even more rude to bash the idea.
“I don’t know. I mean, I’d be going to school there for 2 years, so I guess I’ll have time to learn the language before I go to that English Wizarding School.” - “Hogwarts.”, Mum interrupted.
“Yeah right, Hogwarts. I really don’t know if I can do it, but I suppose I’ve got no choice, right?”
Mum scoffed a bit at that as she turned around to the door.
“Yeah, you’re right with that.” She had nearly left the room when she seemed to remember something and looked back into Marlene’s room.
“We thought it would be best to skip supper today, just because it’s easier for everyone to adjust, that way. If you’re hungry you can just make yourself a cheese sandwich in the kitchen.” - “Yeah, thanks.” Marlene stared out the door for a bit, gathering her thoughts.
So they were going to move to Cambridge in a month. She’d be going to a public school for about 2 years before transferring to that English school – Hogwarts was it. And all that without Dad, she reminded herself again that from now on she had to call him Chris but it seemed so illogical to her to take that name from him when there was no one else to give it to. So why not just let him keep it?
Going back to the topic of the move she wondered whether 2 years were enough to learn a language, when you actively spoke it all the time. Probably, she guessed. Then she asked herself whether or not another wizard, preferably with a child her age lived somewhere near her Great Aunt’s house. Great Aunt Betty had died 3 years ago and Marlene could barely remember her funeral, just that everyone wore black and that Mum had inherited a house somewhere in Great Britain. Was there maybe a register of all witches and wizards she had access to? She supposed not, but in Marlene’s opinion you could never be too hopeful. Though Michael of course said that being too optimistic can lead to great disappointment, whereas being too pessimistic could make you boring and self-conscious, which is why, according to him at least, Michaels perfect balance between the two was the right way to go. Marlene had always been too optimistic for him, although he had seemed pretty pessimistic earlier, so much so it had been enough pessimism for both of them. So, Marlene thought, it was only fair for her to be optimistic for both of them. That way they could share the optimism and pessimism with each other. Maybe Michael could give her some of his pessimism in exchange for optimism on Marlene’s 9 th birthday in a month.
Though, Marlene thought, could you gift morals?
Before she came to answering that question her stomach began growling and looking at the alarm clock on her night stand she realized it was already getting late. No wonder then that she was hungry. On her way downstairs she stopped at Michael’s room, asking him if she should bring him something to eat upstairs, but he just told her to stop bothering him. It was quite rude, but according to him older sibling were entitled to being rude sometimes, after all they had to manage everything without help from an older sibling. Marlene supposed he was right, as it was with most things, Michael had more experience, so his opinions were probably true.
As Marlene returned to her room she sat down at her desk doodling on her notebook. She was supposed to be doing maths homework, but she didn’t really understand the topic and now really wasn’t the time to ask anyone else in the house for help. Her grades were already below-average as it was, what would one undone homework change about that? Besides, she had way more important thinks to worry about, so she ripped out the first page of her notebook and drew a chart on the next page. The first column said Stop doing the second Do instead, then Marlene filled the rows with activities that might annoy her family about her. Maybe, if she made Mum and Dad fall in love again Mum would cancel the move to England and they could all be happy again.
First she wrote down to start solving her homework herself, the other option was never doing it again and getting a call home from school was the exact opposite of what she wanted to achieve.
She could always ask her friends for help but over time that would seem pretty needy, so not that. Mentally she made a list of possibilities, of which almost all of them wouldn’t work long term. In the end Marlene decided to ask her maths teacher to write her up for his tutoring group in the afternoon. It would mean more work, but for one it might improve Marlene’s grade and for another it was a great opportunity to get her homework done.
The next 3 hours involved a lot of thinking and a lot of conclusions, that didn’t exactly make Marlene happy, but if she wanted to spend her 9 th birthday in Germany with her family she had to make a few sacrifices. When she was finally done with the chart, she got up and lay down in her bed. As soon as she put her head on the pillow the tears started to flow. Suddenly her plan seemed hopeless and like useless extra work, but Marlene was to tired to care so she simply cried until she couldn’t any more and fell into a dreamless sleep.