Just Talk
Around Hermione’s birthday 1977
“...and he has everything sorted – like patrols and jobs for everyone, including around the ‘Remus’ situation without even making it look suspicious!” Lily ranted like she had been ranting for the past ten minutes as the girls walked from their last class of the day, throwing her hands in the air and all but red in the face.
Hermione tried to hide her smile behind her hand as Marlene let scowled in slight disgust on Lily’s other side. It was almost strange to have her with them, what with Marlene throwing herself into her classes, homework, Quidditch and her time with Regulus. They barely saw the girl enough to sit down and have a chat that wasn’t rushed, not that Hermione would complain.
Being an Auror was important to Marlene, much like it was to James and Sirius, and there was a certain focus that needed to be dedicated towards their studies in order to get the required N.E.W.Ts. Hermione sometimes wished she had more of an idea of what she would do out of school, career wise, but it seemed her, Lily and Remus were all stuck in that regard.
“I’m confused as to why this is a problem – I thought an organised James would get you going enough that your relationship might actually be more than a few dates and longing looks.” Marlene finally spoke, cutting off whatever Lily was saying, a frown on her face as she tried to solve the problem.
“Marlene!”
“I mean she does have a point.” Hermione defended her best friend, raising an eyebrow at Lily who turned to glare at her in pure betrayal. “What is the issue? What has he done wrong?”
“He didn’t do anything wrong – it was all perfect and now I’m not even sure what I am supposed to be doing.” Lily spoke, almost pouting as she dragged her feet slightly and her cheeks steadily turned pink in a way that had Hermione and Marlene’s eyebrows raising.
“Thanking him would probably be nice.”
“That’s the first thing I did, after I freaked out a bit.” Lily spoke, flicking her hair over her shoulder. “It’s just this whole thing is so confusing.” She admitted, looking away as Hermione patted her should in sympathy and Marlene rolled her eyes once more.
“It wouldn’t be if you just stopped dancing around each other, like are you dating or not – no one knows the answer.” Marlene spoke dryly as she manoeuvred them through a group of first years.
“Considering we’ve been on dates -”
“Like five within five months – I’ve been on more with my boyfriend in the past two weeks, Hermione’s been on more with Sirius in the past two days.” Hermione blushed and pointedly ignored her best friend. She wasn’t going to explain what she did on her weekend, they could guess and they would probably be right but she wasn’t going to say anything.
Things had been good with her and Sirius, and they had taken that next step now the awkwardness had seem to settle, but it had taken time – that in reality they had both kind of needed, and now it felt stronger and yet so frail at the same time. Like a secret could build them or destroy them.
“Meeting up to do whatever on the Astronomy Tower does not count as a date – and neither does spending hours in a bedroom and locking the door.” Lily spat out, gesturing to them both as Hermione shrugged her shoulders and Marlene grinned wickedly.
“At least our weekend was fun.”
“Until James threatened to break down the door.”
“No, that was funny.” Marlene commented with a small chuckle, shaking her head. “I’ve never seen him look so constipated, unless he’s looking at you.” She added, sending a wink to Lily who flushed bright red once again.
“How lovely.” Lily remarked.
“Look, I’m just saying, there is no point keeping him at arms length, you either want him or you don’t, and you are clearly desperate for him, so stop being scared and just grab him by the balls.” Marlene spoke, waving her hand in the air like it was nothing as Lily stuttered over her words and Hermione tried not to think about it too much.
“Somehow I don’t think that would help the situation.” Lily hissed as a couple of fourth years sent a startled look their way. How shocking it must be to hear someone speak so blatantly and without regard.
“Somehow I think it would in many many ways.” Marlene hissed back but with a grin, before she leaned forward to whisper at them both. “Anyway, I have to go meet my favourite Black, you know because I was a big girl and took my chance.” There was something so dreamy in her eyes and an almost giddiness in the way she grinned.
Hermione was happy for her, and she knew Lily was too and would probably voice that if Marlene hadn’t spent the past few minutes poking at her, which was why the redhead whispered angrily instead. “Yes, so brave that you have a secret relationship with a boy who is a year younger than you and on the wrong side of this war.”
“Semantics.” Marlene waved off with a laugh before she was strutting away, seemingly unaware of all the eyes watching her – boys and girl, all for different reasons no doubt, but the leggy blond had always had a way of capturing attention.
“Stupid.” Lily muttered, shaking her head before she turned to look at Hermione with furious eyes. “You agree with her, don’t you?”
“I’m not saying anything.” Hermione spoke with a grin before moving forward towards the Great Hall, ignoring the grumbling girl behind her.
…
Saturday the 17th of September 1977
Lily let out a nervous breath as she smoothed down her dress before reaching for her hair and running her fingers through it. There was no mirror here to check that her outfit, make up or hair, that she had spent so much time putting effort into for the party, was as perfect as she wanted to be.
And in the back of her mind, she knew it wouldn’t make a difference, he would open the door once she knocked and smile at her the way he always had, and the way that if she was being honest had always made her a little weak kneed. Yet, this was important for her, a way to take control of what everyone was questioning for herself.
Which was the reason why she had gone through Marlene’s clothes and make up to find the pretty green dress she had never worn, and stolen a pair of Hermione’s sensible heels. Her make up was simple but highlighted her eyes, and her hair was silky smooth and shiny thanks to Hermione’s stock of sleek eazys, not that she really needed it but she had wanted to go all out.
Now she was regretting it, because she didn’t need to do this, he wouldn’t care, but she had wanted to look pretty – had wanted to stun him in a way that she had never quite managed before.
Her mind and body seemed to be two separate things, her hand raising to knock as her brain fought to take control and drag her back to her dorm where she could dress better and stay curled up all night like her best friends party wasn’t happening in the common room below.
Before she could make a choice, the door opened before her, her hand almost hitting the person in the chin as he smirked down at her and the nervousness drifted away into something more like annoyance.
“Well don’t you look nice, Evans.” Sirius spoke, arms crossing over his chest as he leaned back against the door frame. “Hope you didn’t put all this effort in for me because I’m taken you see but there is someone who might appreciate it.” He joked with a wide grin as before laughing as she flushed.
“Pads, what are you – oh hi Lily, you look nice.” Remus was there then, a knowing glint in his amused eyes as he hid his smile and pushed Sirius out of the doorway, seeming to have a bit more class than his friend. “We’ll see you down there.” He nudged her inside, her mouth opening to scold him when Sirius poked his head inside.
There was a grin on his face, one that told her she wasn’t going to like what came out of his mouth but couldn’t quite stop him. “OI PRONGS, STOP WANKING IN THE SHOWER, THERE’S SOMEONE HERE TO SEE YOU!” He laughed afterwards, turning around as the bathroom door opened, and slamming the main door behind him.
“Pads, I wasn’t – Lily?” James squeaked, hands moving to cover his chest – luckily for them both he was wearing jeans. Her cheeks turned red again as she looked away and pretended that the sight of a shirtless James Potter wasn’t something she had thought of, nor that she hadn’t seen before. It felt different somehow, now that they were doing.
“Hi.”
He didn’t respond, and so she had no choice to look at him. Hazel eyes wide behind his glasses as he all but looked her up and down in a way that seemed more bewildered than sexual, which she was glad for, before he finally settled on her face and the make up she had there, making her blush once again, not like it was hard these days it seemed.
“Wow – you look – you look beautiful.” There was something in the way he said it that made her believe it, and something that made her feel like he was complimenting everything he could about her and not just the way she looked. It made her almost feel seen in a way she never really had. “What’s up?”
“Huh?” She responded as he moved slowly towards his bed, grabbing a jumper and throwing it on, it had her blinking and blushing once more as he gave a surprised smile.
Honestly, it just made her feel bad. In all the years she had known him, he had shown attraction and devotion, but it had never just been about looks for him, but simply who she was. Yet, it seemed she had been lacking in that regard and had offered nothing back, judging by the way he was blushing and pulling his clothes on.
He didn’t give her time to think too much on it though as he moved to stand before her, tall and lanky, a few straggles of a beard on his chin, and that stupidly charming smile that he did. “Not that I mind or anything, you’re always welcome, but did you need something?”
She wasn’t even sure how to answer that question without sounding like a complete idiot with a crush that muttered something like ‘all she needed was him’, especially when she wasn’t even sure where this was going or the true extent of her feelings, or why she felt the need to constantly lie to herself and keep him held back.
“Erm...I just...well…” Her voice trailed off as she looked around the room, messy in two corners except for his own where everything was carefully organised and perfectly clean – almost like a teenage boy didn’t live there, and a perfectly and beautifully wrapped present sat on his trunk, obviously for his sister who was downstairs.
His eyes followed hers before he frowned. “Are you here to help with the party – because I think it’s all done.” He almost sounded disappointed, hazel eyes slightly downcast as Lily frowned herself. “Sorry, I know the 18th is a big deal for Muggles -”
“No, no that’s not why I’m here.” She spoke as he looked at her in slight surprise, her bravery failing slightly. “I doubt Hermione cares that much about a party though.” She added with a small laugh as James shrugged his shoulders.
“Maybe, but she deserves a good birthday party.”
It was unfair really, that she had to be cursed with Petunia while Hermione got James, and visa versa – not that she wanted either of them as siblings – the co-dependency would drive her insane, it did sometimes with their friends.
Sometimes though, she was jealous and wished that Petunia would pull her head out of her arse and be decent for once in her life, but considering the last time they spoke had been weeks ago and brief, it wasn’t looking likely. So, instead she was left to watch the Potter siblings be everything siblings should be and be lucky enough that they liked her enough to show her almost the same level of devotion.
Not that she wanted anything more. James and Hermione came first in each others life, but she would be fine with a close second to share with Sirius.
“I thought the pair of you had your own tradition?” She asked after a second, realising that James had been staring at her in confusion.
“We do, but we’ll do that on her actual birthday.” James answered as though it was obvious, and maybe it was but she was feeling nervous again and by the looks of it, James was getting nervous too. “Like I said, I love having you here and everything but what’s going on because I’m starting to freak out a bit – are you dumping me? Can you dump someone after six dates?”
There was panic all over his face and Lily was starting to feel bad, her hands reached out to hold him still before he could start pacing. “No I’m not, and I’m sure you can but I’m not.”
“Oh good, that’s good.”
“But I mean, aren’t you upset or anything, that it’s only been six dates and that we aren’t really moving forward or anything, and I know you said you were fine with waiting but -”
“Lily, I am fine with it.” He cut her off with a small smile, moving out of her hands so he could rest his own on her shoulders. Her mouth opened to question him when he started speaking. “Take all the time you need, I really mean it – a date every once in a while as ‘friends’ is much better than no date at all and – oh.”
He was warm in her arms, and he smelled fantastic in a way that made her think amortentia back in sixth year, and something that was just so James – like the fresh cold that clung to people during the autumn, slightly like broom polish and just very clean. It almost made her want to burrow her head further into his chest as his arms settled softly on her back.
Six dates and still he was unsure when hugging her, which was what prompted her to say the next thing. “You are definitely not my friend.”
“Sorry, it’s just that – well I thought -”
“I just mean...Do you see me going on dates with Remus or Sirius?” She asked with a small smile as she pulled back so she could look up at his face. “It’s not something I do with my friends.” She added with a raised brow as he frowned down at her.
“Oh.” He looked so forlorn for a second that she almost felt back before his eyes lit up and his hands seemed to hold her a bit tighter. “Oh – so does that mean…”
“I’m not ready to call you my boyfriend or anything, but maybe we could take a leaf out of Hermione and Sirius’ book.” Lily suggested, it wasn’t like she wanted anyone else to have him or anything, but she wasn’t sure was ready for the looks and stares that came with being with a Potter.
James frowned, seeming almost nervous as he loosened his grip and looked down at her, his cheeks flushing slightly and his voice nervous as he spoke. “Have sex during Christmas, let things get awkward and then decide to get together?”
Lily would have laughed if she wasn’t feeling so nervous herself, or desperately trying not to look at his bed. “I meant the whole taking things slow.”
“That makes more sense.” James spoke, letting out a long breath that almost seemed like relief. Lily wasn’t sure whether she should be offend, but somehow she could almost understand how he was feeling.
They’d never really spoke about things like that, it almost seemed to cross a line, sure she spoke about it with Hermione and Marlene, but never with the boys. And honestly, apart from Marlene, she didn’t want to know if he had brought women up here for that – even if somehow she doubted that he had, it just made her feel slightly…
She couldn’t think of the word for it but it wasn’t a pleasant feeling, almost like jealousy and sadness, and she wondered if he felt it too when he thought about her and anyone else, even if there really wasn’t anything to think about.
“And maybe we could start going on more dates?” She spoke softly, reaching up to brush a hair away from his face before stepping back, his hands dropping to his side.
“Like to the next Hogsmeade?”
“Or maybe we could just class our dates as spending time together without anyone else – like having a walk around the lake or even going to the Astronomy tower – I hear that’s a good place for a date.” She suggested as he smiled widely at her, practically vibrating from head to toe, and then he frowned and shook his head.
“Considering it’s where I spend time with my sister, and I’m pretty sure Marlene has done some things I don’t want to know about up there – maybe we could skip on that one.” Understandable, but one day she would get him up there and they would have a romantic date under the stars. “But I would love to do more with you.” He added as he reached for her hand, making her smile.
“Me too.”
…
Monday the 19th of September 1977
The door to the Astronomy tower swung open with a bang, the wood hitting the stone wall and making Hermione look over her shoulder from where she sat, fiddling with the necklace Sirius had given her not a year ago, the stone cool and smooth with a slight jaggedness that came from the carved rune, a comforting thing to run her finger over.
“There you are, I thought you had forgotten.” Hermione muttered as James panted out a breath and fell into the space beside her, throwing her a careless smile.
“Sorry – just had to talk my way out of detention.”
“What did you do?”
“Laughed at these kids when they started fighting instead of pulling them apart – I swear Lily just loves any excuse to use her Headgirl power.” He complained but there was a light in his eyes and a dopey smile on his face that made her roll her eyes.
“Says the Headboy.” She teased, nudging his shoulder and pointing to the badge on his robes before smiling sweetly. “I think you just like a reason for her to be angry at you, I think all those years of fighting has twisted your brain into being excited when she turns that fiery expression on you.”
“I would be lying if I tried to deny that.” He muttered back with the same dopey smile, leaning back onto his hands and looking up at the nights sky. “How was your birthday day?” He asked softly as she shrugged her shoulders. “Come on, can’t you be a little excited – you’re an adult!” He exclaimed, throwing one hand in the air.
Truth was, the older she got the less birthdays meant. Just a reminder that they were growing older and no longer protected by the innocence of their age. It was also bittersweet, her last birthday at Hogwarts before they went out into the world and into a war where there was no guarantee if they would even live to see their next day, let alone their birthday.
It just seemed futile to celebrate something so meaningless with everything going on. Perhaps when the war ends they
“I’ve been an adult for the past year.” She muttered lowly as James scoffed.
“Well...yes, but I meant you’re like a legal Muggle adult now – you can go to clubs and buy us beer from those corner shops – you could get a tattoo!” He sounded so excited that Hermione couldn’t help but laugh, turning her head to look at the childish expression on his face.
“Things I’ve been talking about none stop.”
“Oh come on, if you wait a bit then we could go and get one together.” That seemed like a horrible idea, and one she wouldn’t be too excited about. A needle in her skin in some dingy Muggle tattooist, one who probably didn’t ask too many questions, and possible infections afterwards – how she longed for the day.
“Jamie, do you want to get matching tattoos?” She teased with a raised eyebrow as he shrugged his shoulders and ran a hand up his arm before he grinned cheekily at her.
“Better me than Sirius.”
“You do realise I could take you now, as a legal adult and sister, and probably convince them to give you one.”
“Yeah but where’s the fun in that?” He asked with a scoff before nudging her shoulder. “That’s my plan for my birthday – sibling tattoo’s, prepare yourself.” He looked back to the stars, a happy grin on her face that made Hermione realise she wasn’t going to be able to say no to this.
“I am not getting James, Jamie or Prongs tattooed anywhere on my body like some kind of tramp stamp.” She spoke, raising an eyebrow as he pouted slightly. She could probably be talked into something else, but there was no way she was tattooing names onto her body like some kind of reminder, she didn’t need one for him.
“We have time to think of something else.” He muttered back with a frown.
A silence fell around them as they stared up at the stars, one Hermione was more than thankful for. She loved her brother, but she didn’t exactly want to speak about the future at this moment, and for the past few months it felt like that was all they had to speak about.
And she would tell him about the note she had slipped to Regulus, explaining what Phineas might know, and maybe she would tell him that she had told Sirius in the dead of night not a few hours later – which had involved silencing charms and threats to keep him there instead of hunting down portraits for more information.
For now though, she would enjoy having her brother here beside her, like it used to be before the future seemed to settle around them in a thick cloak.
“Hey, Mi’...can I ask you something?” James whispered after a while, into the dead of night, nothing but their breaths and sometimes the hoot of an owl.
“Of course.”
“You and Sirius, you liked each other for a while, right?” He asked as she sucked in a breath, nodding her head and waiting for whatever else he wanted to say. Things had been better in the past few months but there were still some hang ups with certain things. “He didn’t – he hasn’t pressured you into anything, has he?”
“What – why would you think that?” Hermione asked with a frown, her voice slightly sharper than usual. “Of course not.” She added as he settled, relaxing slightly.
“It’s just...you guys were always so back and forth and then suddenly you’re together, and I know it took time but I wanted to make sure it was your choice.” James whispered as Hermione sighed. She wasn’t blind to know there was something more there.
“It was, well it was both our choices and also not.” She whispered back, almost seemingly to no one as she shifted in her seat.
“I don’t -”
“When you love someone, it stops being a choice and becomes something of a selfish and possibly impulsive decision that is terrifying and relieving at the same time.” She spoke before he could finish his sentence, her heart pounding in her chest.
Because that is what it had been between them. A push and pull, an elastic band they were trying to stretch that only seemed to get smaller and tenser each time, until they could do nothing but accept their fate, even if it hurt. And yes, she might have given him the choice on what he wanted to do after Christmas, promised to leave it if he didn’t want her.
She would have been firm on that decision if it had come to it, but the truth was she would have wanted to come back the moment he showed her he wanted her. It was slightly sad, and maybe pathetic, but she knew it was probably the same for him – which was why she was glad they had gone the way they had.
“Love?” James spoke, a panic settling on his face as Hermione blushed and looked up to the stars, twinkling and shining above them.
“Maybe don’t mention that to Sirius, we haven’t exactly got to that point.” Hermione muttered as James nodded his head, the panic still there. “Though I actually suspect this has less to do with me and Sirius, and more to do with your own ‘relationship’ – Lily isn’t -”
“No, not at all, but sometimes I worry I might be pressuring her – it doesn’t matter, we shouldn’t be speaking about this on your birthday.” He cut himself off, frowning and looking down at his hands, jumping slightly as Hermione reached out to grab them.
“My birthday doesn’t make a difference to you needing to talk and me wanting to listen and be there for you.” And she meant it. James had been there for her through everything, and it was time she started paying him back.
“It’s just...I’ve liked her for so long, and everyone has seen that – Lily has seen it, and then things were good between us and we were friends, there were a few hiccups, and then things started changing last year and I ignored them and suddenly we are going on dates and then she’s coming up to my room and talking about how we should go on more dates and be like you and Sirius, and if I’m fine with taking things slow and now I don’t know what to do or think -” He was panting, words coming out a jumbled mess as Hermione watched him with wide eyes.
She had seen her brother freak out a lot about Lily, but it was usually with a smile on his face and heart eyes, but this was a man who was now unsure and panicking, in possibly the sweetest way and in a way that made her think he had been holding onto it for a while.
“Jamie -”
“What if I made her think I needed more? What if I’ve somehow without knowing pressure her into something that she isn’t ready for and then all of this ends?” His face was slowly turning red as he spoke, all but gasping for breath. “I don’t want to risk anything and loose her after spending so many years wanting to be hers – I just – I don’t know what to do Mi’.” Hazel eyes looked her way, and her heart almost broke in her chest.
Her hands reached out to grip his face, forcing him to look at her. “Jamie, breathe – just breathe.” He took a deep breath. “Stop worrying for a second and just listen.” She muttered as she brushed the hair on his forehead away.
“Mi’ -”
“Lily has never been the sort to do anything she didn’t want to do, and she doesn’t owe you anything because you had a crush on her since you saw her – she could barely even stand you.” He flinched and glared at her, but he was breathing a bit better and the redness was starting to fade, which was a good sign.
“Really helpful, keep it up.” He muttered dryly at her, moving his face from her hands.
“My point is, Lily got to know who you were after everything, and you became someone she could trust and more importantly a friend – and through all of that, you became someone she began to care about in another way.” Someone that he would have a child with and no doubt marry, because that much she knew and hoped for. “Her choices are ones she’s making because she is ready for them, and all you have to do is agree or disagree, and make sure you are both on the same page.” She whispered as he pouted at her.
“But -”
“But it’s scary and terrifying because now there might be a future, one you have dreamt about for years, and it’s ok to be scared, it just means that you have someone that is worth every single risk.” Her heart ached in her chest, her hand reaching up to grip at the necklace, finger running over the Rune and tracing it’s shape.
“It’s ok.” He whispered back at her, seemingly more for her than himself as his eyes glanced down at her necklace.
“It’s ok.” She muttered back. “And things will work out, and soon she’ll be stupidly in love with you just like you have been with her since you were eleven.” She joked, letting go of her necklace as he smiled at her and shrugged his shoulders.
“Twelve – it was just a mild crush when I was eleven.” Only her brother could be so honest with what he was feeling, and let everyone know and then turn around to give her a teasing grin. “Not like you and Sirius can talk though.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Sure.”
“Oh go back to panicking and leave my love life alone.” Hermione snapped, throwing her hand in the air, as James’ grin turned softer and his hand reached up to take hers.
“He does love you, you know, he might never have said it and he might even be scared to admit it, what with how ‘slow’ the pair of you move, but he’s been in love with you for years.” He spoke, reaching out to tug on a curl in the way that Sirius often did.
“Would it be cocky if I said I know?” She asked, raising an eyebrow as he scoffed and gave her a look.
“Yes, and you call me egotistical.”
“I’m joking, but maybe one day when I hear it from the dog’s mouth I’ll believe you and maybe even let you said ‘I told you so’.” She joked, but her heart pounded in her chest at the thought. It seemed to be creeping closer, in a way that caught itself around Hermione’s throat, all but prompting her to say it and not at the same time.
Honestly, she wasn’t quite sure she was there yet or even ready, but she was slowly tipping over the edge in such a sweet and delicate way that almost made her excited for it.
James gave her a knowing look, moving to pull her into a sideways hug, her head laid awkwardly on his shoulder and his chin digging knowingly into her forehead as he awkwardly kissed the top of her head in a way that almost made her laugh.
“Love you Mi’.”
“You too, baby brother.”