Making Changes
Sunday the 9th of January 1977
Was it wrong that he was both terrified and turned on?
Probably.
But Sirius wasn’t going to lie to himself, Hermione seemed to have that effect on him. Even more so as she sat before him in the library, one leg over the other and showing the pale flesh of her thigh, curls tumbling over her shoulders, big brown eyes staring at him and a small smirk like smile on her face. It didn’t help that he had seen her in a different light.
And now he knew this was going to go one of two ways; either it would end well, depending on what he said or he was going to be cursed and his remains left for Madam Pince to feed on.
Merlin, he’d never been as nervous as he was now. And he been face to face with Bellatrix not a few months ago.
“So what’s up?” He frowned, voice sounding far too high and leading him to cough before he gave a nervous smile as she looked back at him amused. “You wanted to talk.”
And here it came, the moment he had been trying to put off as he dealt with things. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, maybe she would be kind, or maybe she would do it fast and leave him without a chance to talk and he would be able to simply nod or shake his head.
“When was the last time you spoke to Regulus?” Confusion was all that remained as she reached for a book, legs still crossed and small fingers flicking through the pages as her eyes scanned rapidly over the words.
“Erm...what?” He asked lowly as she looked at him out of the corner of her eye. “That’s what you wanted to talk about?” He couldn’t quite understand why he was disappointed when he had spent the past couple of weeks avoiding talking to her. But what the hell did Regulus have to do with any of this?
Hermione simply raised her eyebrow and smiled again, but her cheeks were slightly flushed and her eyes were all but twinkling as she looked at him, unaware of the pounding in his chest. “Did you want to talk about something else?”
His mouth opened and a slight flood of anger hit him. Yes, he fucking did want to talk about something else – he wanted her to look more than interested about what had happened between them and not so fucking calm like they hadn’t been tumbling around in her bed or they hadn’t confessed what they had confessed.
What fucking game was she playing?”
“No.” He bit out, her smile fell slightly before her back straightened and the smile was back, tenser and maybe a bit more cold. “So why did you want to talk about Regulus?”
“He’s been ditching Marlene and she’s worried about him.” She spoke softly as he looked at her with raised eyebrows, wondering what the hell she wanted him to do about that before she let out an annoyed smile. “Would you please be so kind as to check on your baby brother and make sure he is ok?” She asked sweetly, but it was cold and far too annoyed.
“Why don’t you talk to him since you are so worried?”
Her eyes seemed to turn black and the nervous sweating was back as he swore her hand twitched towards her robes. “Because grief is a strange thing, and often we think we can deal with it alone, but it’s nice to know people are there for you too, especially those that we think would rather not be.” He frowned as she whispered the words.
He understood, he did, but she seemed to think more about it than he did. He and Regulus were never going to be the sort to have a heart to heart, especially not when it was clear just who Alphard favoured, if the amount of money he now owned was any indication – but too much had happened between that a quick cry and shared words weren’t going to fix it.
Yet the worry still settled there. Regulus, despite everything, was his baby brother – and the idea of him just suffering in silence while all his Death Eater mates continued on with their lives was enough to make him waver.
Adding on the part of Marlene, who despite the argument they had had at Christmas, was his good friend and deserved more than waiting around, like someone else he knew, almost made him agree in the moment.
He would have said that if Hermione hadn’t have already started speaking. “If it was James and I in this situation -”
“Well it’s not.” Sirius cut her off before she can say anything else, before she can even think of comparing their situations. James and her were like a match made in heaven, siblings who actually liked each other and spent their times together – him and Reg were like water and oil.
If you mixed them well enough, they could blend and get along for a while, but in the end they were just too different and ended up separating.
“Listen, Kitten, I appreciate what you’re trying to do but the truth is, there is nothing you can do – so just tell Marlene to talk to him.” He spoke softly, a small smile on his face as Hermione rolled her eyes as though he was the one who was being stupid.
“She would if he turned up to their little nightly meetings.”
“Maybe it’s a sign.”
“Yes, a sign that Regulus isn’t coping as well as he pretends he is.” Hermione bit back and once again Sirius was forced to commiserate with his little brother. “And neither are you – so just – just talk to him, you never know, maybe it will do you both some good, then you can let me know how it went afterwards.”
With that she uncrossed her legs and stood up, pushing away the book and grabbing her notes before giving him a quick smile as he stared up at her in wonder, hand reaching to tug on a curl as a smile made its way onto his face. “I haven’t said yes yet, Kitten.”
She smiled down softly before reaching to gently pull his hand away. “We both know you’ll do it regardless because now you’re worried about him.” He winced and looked away as she laid a soft hand on his should and bent down to his side once again. “And when that’s over, perhaps we could sit down and have our actual talk.”
His head whipped around but she was already standing straight again and giving him one last smile before heading on her way. He watched her go, a strange ache forming in his chest as he did so, followed by a nod of his head.
When the time came he would do it.
...
Monday the 10th of January 1977
Practising for Quidditch in January was like asking to have your balls frozen off.
But their captain was relentless, despite the fact that they still had another two months before they actually played, and they had thrashed Slytherin easily, Ravenclaw and Slytherin were next, and Ravenclaw was the one to beat so they needed to be on top form which meant withstanding temperatures and trying not to loose fingers.
Yet at the same time he could appreciate the view that came with sitting high up in the air on his broom, the snowy crisp land below their feet, the mountain peeks shining under the setting sun, despite the fact that it was not even 5pm, and even a bit of the frozen lake.
James seemed to enjoy it too, his eyes closed against the bitter chill, cheeks rosy even under his darker skin – and Marlene, well her icy eyes fit right in as they narrowed in his direction.
“Give it up, Mar, you know he’s still pissed after what you said.” James muttered at the girl without even opening his eyes, like he could sense the look she was giving Sirius.
“How do you even know what I said?” Marlene asked as Sirius blushed. “The pair of you gossip like little girls.” Not that he would admit it, but they were partial to a bit of gossip before bed at night, it helped them understand what was happening around them.
“And you stick your nose into other peoples business.” Sirius bit back as Marlene scoffed, unaffected as usual. He wished some days he could have her ability to just let what was said roll over her, or at the very least pretend it never bothered her.
“Please, you know your just upset because I had a point.”
“Well you’re the only one who thinks that.” Lie, he knew Remus agreed with her, and from the way James was now hiding his face, he guess he agreed too. “Prongs, come on.”
“I think we all know that I’ll side with anyone who might unintentionally or intentionally hurt my sister.” James answered with a shrug of his shoulders, happy to push anyone aside despite who they were in the defence of Hermione, who more often than not didn’t need them fighting her battles for her.
“I didn’t even do anything.” Sirius snapped.
“Because I stopped you – well I stopped you the first time.” There was a teasing tone to Marlene’s voice, and judging by the look in her sharp eyes, she knew a lot more than James did about what had happened that night.
James scoffed, as though he knew what she was talking about, narrowing his eyes at Sirius and smirking slightly. “They seemed fine when I saw them, a little too close for comfort and red cheeked from nearly freezing to death.”
“Yes, that’s what I was talking about.” Marlene teased again, mouth curling into a wide grin.
“Shut up, Marlene.” Sirius snapped, struggling to grip his broom as she flew to hover before him.
“Alright, honestly I thought we were past this but fine.” She muttered more to herself than him before she carried on speaking. “I’m sorry for hurting your feelings, that wasn’t my intention – I was just looking out for Hermione but you’re my friend too and so I should have been looking out for you – I’m sorry.”
He blinked back at her in surprise. Marlene was many things but sincere in apologies was not one of them, she lived her life doing what she needed to do and being herself, but here he was faced with a girl who didn’t much look like the girl he had known for nearly seven years.]
Her usually sharp eyes seemed more blue, and a bit red rimmed, a deep sadness settling in them that he didn’t have to guess what, or maybe more accurately who, put it there. His stomach twisted as he shifted on his broom and looked away. Marlene was his friend, and she didn’t deserve to be left looking like someone else.
“Thank you.” He whispered back as she smiled slightly, turning to look at James over her shoulder and all but blushing under his approving smile.
What could have been between them if Lily and Regulus hadn’t been the ones to catch their eye and twist their hearts. He would almost consider rooting for them if he wasn’t so sure it was all over and nothing more than a fond memory.
Two people who shared something, had something together, who ended it and managed to come through the other side closer and more appreciative of the other.
It made him envious and hopeful at the same time. Hermione had spoke about how ex’s could be friends without anything more, and not that he really wanted to be her ex but if he gave it a go and things went sideways then he would want to have what Marlene and James did, how Hermione and Zach seemed to be together.
It was something else to add to the bubbling cauldron and hope that it didn’t overflow before he got a chance to deal with some things. It also brought him back to the real world where he glared at his friends and let his next comment flow from his tongue.
“Are you two done being -”
“What the fuck are the three of you doing?” His sentence died in his throat as the captain appeared before them with a stern frown and gritted teeth. “Get out there and play before I think about replacing you with your three other friends.” He pointed to the stands, the three following his gaze.
Honestly, if you had told him that Lily and Remus were there then he would have asked where. His eyes could only focus on her.
A small smile on her face as she spoke with their friends, messy black plait sticking out under her red beanie, small curls pressed against her pale skin and pink cheeks, dark eyes crinkled as she let out a laugh at something Remus said before she brought her gloved hands towards her chest, rubbing them together.
Her eyes caught his and softened, mouth curving into the familiar Potter crooked smile that he had seen James give Lily far too many times to count – and causing his heart to skip a beat as he tried to fight off a round of blush.
Since when had he become a flushing eleven year old girl?
“That’s a sure way to lose, cap-ee-tan.” James spoke with a grin, raising his voice so it would carry to their friends. “You’d be better just getting some gnomes to play instead.” Sirius bit back a laugh as Hermione rolled her eyes and Lily shrugged her shoulders.
"Wanker!" Remus shouted.
“Prat!” James shouted back with a grin. “Go back to hanging all over my sister and Evans.” He added, though there was a slight warning in his tone as Remus blushed even deeper, trying to step away from both girls.
“Keep talking and I’ll make sure to throw something at that fat head of yours, Prongs.” Remus croaked out at his messy haired friend but James simply waved it off with a laugh.
"Yeah, well when you learn to throw then I'll be scared but for now let us practice."
...
The common room had once been somewhere he felt strange, it had then been somewhere where there were too many people and too much noise, and lastly and most recently it had been a place to escape from his nightmares and allow himself to be wrapped around a beautiful woman who smiled like the fucking sun and whose eyes remained him of the warmest hot chocolate on the planet.
These days it seemed like a mixture of all, except there was no girl in his arms – and his internal conflict made him feel like he wasn’t sure he wanted one there with him.
Yet it didn’t stop him from sneaking down here when Prongs and Moony were asleep, nor the way his eyes would drift towards the girls stairs, a strange feeling of hope in him that only turned cold whenever she didn’t appear.
It was no different tonight, except he had a book and was sat facing the fire.
“Sickle for your thoughts?” It wasn’t the voice he wanted to hear, but one he knew well enough, and yet it still made him jump and look up with a slight scream as Lily Evans stood before him, still dressed in her robes and a shit eating grin on her face in response to his fright. “I would say sorry for scaring you, but hearing you scream like a baby is the highlight of my whole day.”
She was sadistic. A cruel human, who was now seating herself in the single armchair, a grin still on her face as she reached into her pocket and pulled out some biscuits, offering him one with that same grin on her face.
“Did you find the kitchens or are you trying to poison me?”
The smile dimmed slightly, replaced by her eyes rolling as he reached for one and timidly took a bite. “If I wanted to poison you then it wouldn’t be with cookies.” She answered as he narrowed his eyes at her.
“Good to know.” He answered back dryly, reaching for his book and slowly closing the page as Lily carried on looking at him, whatever was on her mind dying to be free. “What?”
“Were you reading?” She asked instead as he tried to hold back the offence at the surprise in her tone.
“Why is everyone surprised by that?” He asked back with a slight frown as he looked down at his book, it was a good book and he was enjoying it but he hadn’t realised the push back he would get from simply having it in his lap.
“Because I’ve never seen you read anything that doesn’t contain scantily clad women or motorcycles, or the said women on said motorcycles.” Lily said dryly as Sirius smirked slightly. “I mean your school books might as well be new.” She added sarcastically as he scoffed at her, despite the fact that she had a point.
“I’ll have you know that those magazines contain plenty of interesting reading material, so long as you are man enough to look past the pictures.” Something he had not yet managed to do nor was he bothering with trying – it was simply too hard.
“Right, I’m sure a woman barely able to cover herself is just fascinating.” Lily remarked with her own smirk. “So what’s with the pictureless book?” She asked after a second.
“It’s a good book.” Sirius retorted, pouting slightly. “And I do have other books without pictures.”
“School books do not count, and also you don’t, or did you forget that I have seen your room and your collections.” It wasn’t a question but a reminder as she raised an eyebrow and he fought the urge to blush at the thought of people seeing the state of his room.
"Honestly I think you are lucky you haven’t seen anything else in there." Sirius spoke as he cringed.
“I have.” Sirius cringed again at the reminder. “But I don't think we need to discuss that unless you want to tell me why you haven’t spoken to Hermione yet."
“You know, I liked you a lot better when you hated me.”
“No you don’t.” Lily spoke softly. “So…?”
She was right but he wasn’t about to admit that, nor was he about to have a talk with her after having one with Remus a day ago. There was only so much he could take before he snapped and told them all to fuck off. Which wouldn’t be a good look when they were only trying to help him, or annoy him.
Things were just too crowded in his head, and people trying to pry their way in there did not help at all, but instead gave him a headache and far too many worries to think about.
But he would do it soon, he had promised himself that much and Hermione had all but said it, no one else needed to get involved. And if they could keep James out of the loop for just a while longer then that would be perfect.
Sirius sighed as Lily looked at him expectantly. “I bet you’ve had a good snoop around in James’ room too, haven’t you – did you find the parchments littered with your name and wedding details?” It was her turn to blush now as she coughed over a cookie and Sirius raised an eyebrow, he really wanted to know the answer now.
“Yes, I have chosen to ignore it, but that's not the point, so don’t even try to change the subject."
“I’m not, I just don’t think we need to talk about this.” Sirius spoke softly as Lily frowned at him and shook her head. “If I tell you I’ll to her soon then will you leave me alone?”
“No.” Lily spoke with a grin before it fell and she leaned forward. “She’s my best friend, and she needs some kind of answer – you don’t get what you got to do with her and then leave it at that.” Her tone was stern as he frowned at her. Is that what she thought of him?
“I wasn’t going to, just had a lot on my mind in case you didn’t notice.” He answered back as she ate the last of her biscuit, dusting her hands off on her robes and leaning forward again, a single eyebrow raised and her lips pursed.
“I did notice but I just think -”
“Me and Hermione have said that we are going to talk, and I intend to follow through with that and sit down and actually have a talk about where I want, and where she wants, this to go.” His tone was a bit snappish, but Lily didn’t seem to care as her eyes widened and her mouth opened into a small ‘o’. “You don’t have to seem so surprised.”
“Oh you’re serious...sorry...I just thought you would avoid this as long as you could.” Lily admitted softly, her cheeks flushing as Sirius clicked his tongue. Maybe once he would have, but he couldn’t run away forever.
Yet, he couldn’t make people see what they didn’t want to see. Couldn’t make them realise that this was important to him and he was taking his time, not because he didn’t want to deal with it, but because he wanted to make sure he thought about it and was honest in what he wanted. People would always make assumptions on past habits.
“This means something to me too, I’m not running away, but I just need a bit more time with everything else that has happened.”
He looked down, away from the prying emerald eyes and instead to the book that rested on his lap, stiffening when the cushion beside him dipped and Lily’s warm hand rested on his shoulder. Comforting and friendly.
“I didn’t mean to press.” She whispered as he nodded his head. “I was just worried about Hermione, she’s my best friend.” He knew that and he understood. “But you’re my friend and I’m worried about you too.” Again, nothing he didn’t already know but still surprising nonetheless. “So take time if you need it, I know it’s been hard lately, and if you ever need someone to talk to about Hermione, school or even your Uncle, then I’m here.”
Sirius of two years ago wouldn’t have believed that Evans would be the one sat before him, offering friendship and someone to talk to, Merlin even half a year ago he wouldn’t have believed it. He would have laughed and said Evans hated him with the passion of a thousand burning suns, just waiting for the moment that she could implode and take him down with her – and James too.
His eyes felt strangely misty as he nodded his head and did his best to try and blink it away, or at least avoid using his hands to wipe away any leaks, but she seemed to know regardless as she clutched his shoulder tighter and shifted herself to wrap him in a hug.
“It’s alright.”
It would be, he knew that, but now it was nice to let the stress melt away under the arms of a girl he had once sworn had a broom up her arse. To let himself feel every inch of grief, confusion and feeling that he had held in for seemingly a long time.
…
Saturday the 15th of January 1977
It was an unusual Saturday at Hogwarts when Sirius finally found Regulus, walking behind his cruel looking friends, all of them dressed in dark cloaks, like some kind of shitty looking gang. Which he supposed was kind of true. Except gangs were supposed to look scary and cool, like the ones James, Remus and himself had seen in London the last time they sneaked out of the Potter house.
These looked disappointing and not at all intimidating.
Beside the point, he wasn’t hear to judge their poor fashion but instead to speak to his brother and finally deal with one thing in his life instead of hiding away from it.
And just like usual, Regulus seemed to sense his brother nearby, bright blue eyes meeting silver and a look of understanding passing between them as Regulus slipped away from the group and walked towards him, a sneer on his face and arms crossed. No doubt a facade to fool his friends if any of them looked back, though none of them did.
“What do you want?”
“Aren’t you just a ball of sunshine today?” Sirius asked cheerfully, a grin on his face as he reached out to pat Regulus’ shoulder, frowning and pulling his hand back rapidly. There was nothing but skin and bone under fabric.
“What do you want?” Regulus asked again as Sirius looked over his face, the usually sharp features seeming sharper and sunken, purple bags under his eyes and a general look of tiredness. Yet he still managed to muster up some concern as he looked around. “Is everything ok?”
Sirius couldn’t help the laugh that left his throat, how quickly his baby brother could shift from annoyed and hostile to worried and a child within a few seconds. “Nothing you need to worry your little socks about, well not unless you want to keep pissing off Marlene, that is.”
Regulus’ eyes turned wide, and Sirius couldn’t help but wince at how bloodshot they looked. “I’m not -”
“She’s been worried – see when you kiss a girl and then start ditching her, well it sends the wrong message.” Sirius explained as though he was talking to child, which in some ways he was and in others, his brother was more of an adult than he was.
Regulus sighed and ran his hands through his greasy hair, raven black strands catching on his fingers and causing him to pull harder to release them. This wasn’t his brother who had been raised to take care of his appearance.
It was the only thing Sirius could appreciate about his insane family, the instilled need to make yourself look as good as you could to make others look worse wasn’t the best way to go about it, but Sirius had barely had an off day in his life – and neither had Regulus.
“Is everything alright?”
“Of course.” Regulus bit out, looking shocked and uncomfortable. See, this was why he had told Hermione they didn’t do these things.
“Are you sure?” Sirius asked with a frown as Regulus opened his mouth with a sneer. “I mean no disrespect or anything, but you look like shit.” He had more to say, more to ask but he was too scared to here the answer. To hear that his brother was being put through the ringer because of what he had done to protect Sirius.
To his surprise Regulus laughed slightly, it looked painful, like it had been too long, but it warmed Sirius nonetheless. “Just got a lot on my mind.”
“Yeah, I can imagine.” Sirius muttered before he steeled himself, placing both of his hands on those bony shoulders to see into his brothers eyes. “Listen, Reg, I know things have been shit, but.. I’m here, alright, whenever you want to talk or if you want an out – then I’m here.” It’s something he should have said a long time ago, and he’s ashamed to admit it has taken this long to say it.
But better late than never.
“Yeah...yeah, I know.” Regulus whispered, eyes strangely misty. “Could you just tell Marle-”
“No.” Sirius cut him off, leaning to stand straight with a frown as he waved his hands around. “You got something to tell her then you tell her yourself, not through me or Hermione or anyone else – she deserves better than to be dicked around.” He added with a deeper frown.
“I just – I don’t even know what to say to her.” It was moments like these, where his younger brother looked lost at the thought of talking to an upset girl that makes Sirius almost feel proud he can help. Offer his wisdom onto the younger ones.
“Tell her whatever you feel like saying – just stop leaving her standing up there for hours on end, freezing her arse off.” Sirius spoke, a slight edge to his voice that has Regulus frowning and guilt shining all over his face. “Just apologise, and realise that she sees something in you that many people don’t, and that you’re lucky to have someone who can look past all the questionable and bad shit you’ve done because they want to be with you and because for some reason they actually like you -” He cut himself off before he could go any further or say something else.
Because while Regulus seemed to be taking it to heart, nodding his head in agreement, all Sirius can think is how it applied to him too. That the both of them had beautiful ladies waiting for them to make a choice, while they sat on their arses and feeling sorry for themselves.
“Thank you.”
He nodded his head and gave his brother a small smile, watching as he ducked back into the corridor and down the route his friends had gone. Leaving Sirius alone and with his thoughts and realisation.
“Fuck.”