Christmas Ache
Monday the 20th of December 1976
“Merry Christmas.”
“Ah – what the fuck is wrong with you?” Hermione hissed, trying to keep her scream inside her throat as she turned to see Regulus leaning against the stone wall, a smug smirk on his face despite the couple of people who passed.
No one seemed bothered by them, too eager to get to the train and go home, or to say bye to their friends as they stayed behind at the castle – not that many seemed to be doing that these days, all were eager to see their family after the rumours of the war raging on outside.
Hermione was just glad that she was behind the crowds as she glared at the young boy. He had seemed much more confident with them since their Shrieking shack night, nodding his head and sending small knowing smiles their way. Even going as far as to have quick conversations when he could, like they were old friends catching up.
“Nothing, I thought I would just wish you all a Merry Christmas, since I wouldn’t be seeing you all for a couple of weeks.” He spoke with a grin as he moved forward, looking over her shoulder and towards the corridor where the Gryffindor portrait hung. “Where is everyone else?”
“You mean where is Marlene.” Hermione bit back with her own amused smile as she moved forward. “Did you want to give her a kiss under the mistletoe before you’re forced apart?”
Regulus smiled as he looked up to where she was pointing at a prominent piece of mistletoe, his eyes widening for a second before he smirked as he stepped forward. “Maybe I was hoping to take a leaf out of my brother’s book, and get a kiss from you, cousin.” Hermione blinked and stepped back.
“What’s that now?” The two turned to see the rest of Hermione’s friends exiting the tower, looking between the pair with amused and concerned eyes, but it had been Sirius who spoke with narrowed eyes and crossed arms.
“What a perfect time to appear, I was just jesting brother, there’s no need to worry.”
“I wasn’t worried.” Sirius bit back as he avoided Hermione’s eye, looking up at the mistletoe and grumbling something under his breath.
“Sure you weren’t...well I came to wish you all a Merry Christmas, and to say not to expect any presents.” Regulus grinned, as Hermione rolled her eyes. A couple of conversations and a not as tense atmosphere didn’t mean they were suddenly friends.
“We weren’t.” James muttered, as he moved to Hermione’s side, picking up Crookshanks’ carrier as the cat purred inside, his squished face looking out, as Parsley joined him, smaller and much cuter. “But erm...Merry Christmas?” He added as he looked down at the two cats with an amused smile.
“Thanks, I was also hoping I could speak to Marlene for a minute.” Regulus spoke, slightly more tense than before as the group looked back at the blond.
“She’s a free woman, Reg, no need to ask us – and Merry Christmas.” Sirius spoke as he shook his head, patting his brothers shoulder and walking further away without a goodbye, Lily and Remus following after him.
Hermione and James moved to follow only to be stopped. “Could you – keep an eye on him for me...please?” Regulus whispered, his eyes following his brother, a slightly pained expression with a hint of sadness that made Hermione’s stomach twist slightly.
“Always.”
“Thank you.” Regulus whispered with a soft smile as he reached out to squeeze her arm. “And see you next year.”
“Yeah – we’ll just wait down here, ok, Mar?” Hermione spoke to her best friend who nodded, before she pulled James along and down the corridor, only to stop at an alcove filled with suits, pulling him inside and gesturing to their other friends to join.
“I thought we were going to wait down there.” James hissed as Sirius, Lily and Remus crept to join them, the five of them pressed against the wall, far too close for comfort, their eyes on the couple just ahead as they spoke softly.
“I’m feeling nosy.” Hermione muttered.
They watched for a few seconds, as Marlene chuckled softly at something Regulus said, their conversation far too hushed to even hear.
“Can you hear what they are saying?” Lily spoke softly as she tried to look further out, looking down at where Sirius was crouched below her and Hermione with raised eyebrows.
“Why are you looking at me?” Sirius asked in shock, silver eyes slightly amused as Lily grinned down at him, a slight teasing edge in her emerald eyes.
“You’re a dog, aren’t you?”
“Part time – if you want someone with supernatural hearing then ask the guy with the furry problem next to you.” Sirius snapped out, rolling his eyes as he peaked around the corner again, letting out a sigh as the two continued their conversation.
“I refuse to listen in.” Remus hissed before Lily could open her mouth, even going as far as to place his hands over his ears.
“You’re no fun.” Lily mumbled, her bottom lip coming out in a pout, that quickly turned into a smile as Regulus and Marlene leaned in to hug, soft and gentle, holding on way longer than friends were supposed to.
“Well that’s boring.” Sirius muttered as he leaned back slightly, resting on Hermione’s legs.
“Shut up, it’s sweet and – oh my God, they’re going to kiss.” Lily hissed lowly, moving forward despite the boy in front of her as she leaned onto his head and further around the corner so she could get a better look as Regulus and Marlene leaned in.
Sirius hissed, pushing her off his head as he glared up. “Watch the hair.”
No one responded as they watched, Hermione feeling slightly awkward, as Regulus gently cradled Marlene’s face in his hands and sweetly placed a kiss on her lips.
There was nothing wild about it, nor passionate, just long and sweet and it made something inside her ache slightly. How long had it been since someone kissed her like that? How long had it been since she craved the sweetness that a relationship or a crush had to offer?
A part of her wanted to look away, to stop intruding on the private moment but she couldn’t help but watch as Regulus pulled away, shaking his head as Marlene pointed up at the mistletoe, a frown on her face that suddenly changed into something much softer and had her leaning forward to place another kiss on his lips.
It was sweet and innocent, and something that Hermione had assumed someone like Marlene wouldn’t have been interested in, except now she looked so young and cheerful that she couldn’t imagine her wanting anything else.
“I’m going to throw up.” Sirius groaned, breaking the moment as Hermione looked away with a frown.
“Because your little brother is getting more action than you?” James joked, a grin on his face as he leaned around her to look down at his best friend.
“Piss off.” Sirius hissed as he looked back around only to scramble backwards in the small space. “Oh shit, here they come.” He added as they moved further back, hiding behind some statues and hoping they weren’t seen.
Regulus came first, a happy smile on his face, clearly far too up on cloud nine to pay attention to the poorly hid teenagers at his side as he strode past them, whistling and grinning to himself like some love sick fool.
It was only as Marlene passed that they ducked out, taking amusement in the way her glazed eyes widened as she saw them, her cheeks flushing even darker and her hand on her no doubt beating heart.
“So what did Regulus have to say?” James asked as he reached down to pick up pieces of their luggage that they had dropped in their haste to hide.
“I imagine it was something in French.” Sirius added, a teasing grin on his face as Marlene blushed even darker, her face turning a strange reddish/pink.
“You are all dicks.”
….
Thursday the 23rd of December 1976
“God rest ye merry hippogriffs
Bronze, chestnut, black and grey,
Remember to respect and bow,
So we can fly on Christmas Day
To save us all from Moldyshorts,
And his snaky face,
Oh what a creepy nonce
Creepy nonce,
Oh what a creepy nonce...”
Hermione rolled her eyes as she walked past the stairs where James and Sirius were singing their own version of ‘God rest ye Merry Hippogriff’s’ as they decorated the landing upstairs, moving instead towards the front door as someone rung the bell once again.
“Hang on a minute.” She shouted as she opened the door, eyebrows raising as she saw Lily and Marlene on the other side, her eyebrows raising as the two girls shoved past her. “How was the Knightbus?” She asked as she closed the door behind them.
“It was the shittest -”
“...Oh stab you in your snaky face
snaky face….ow!”
“Sing it properly or don’t sing it at all!” Hermione turned her head as the familiar sound of the stinging of a jinx echoed throughout the house and James’ whining followed by Sirius’ laughter before his own cry was heard. “Honestly...it’s to ruin a traditional song such as ‘God rest ye, Merry Hippogriffs’ – ah Lily dear, you’re here.”
The girls looked up as Euphemia rushed down the stairs, followed by James and Sirius poking their heads over the railing, hands rubbing their arms were no doubt a small red mark would rest for a couple of hours, small smiles that turned into grins as Remus entered the house, panting and dropping Lily’s trunk onto the floor.
“Thanks for the help ladies...Merlin, what did you bring?” He asked as he leaned against the door with a pant.
“Presents...hello Mrs Potter.”
Euphemia sighed as she pulled the girl into a hug, before pulling back and checking over her face. “Now, I’ve told you a million times not to call me that, I’m not that old.” She spoke with a grin as she let go of Lily to squeeze Marlene and Remus’ arms. “Thank you for getting her, I hope the journey wasn’t too bad – I wish I could have -”
“It really wasn’t a problem, Mrs – Euphemia, I understand that you have things here.” Euphemia smiled sadly at Lily before looking over her shoulder at Hermione and then at James.
Things had been tough, with Fleamont back at work and things with the war picking up, Euphemia hadn’t wanted to leave her children and Sirius unprotected in case something came. Sure two of them were of age, and James was skilled enough, but they were prominent faces and Euphemia didn’t want them outside.
It had been Marlene and Remus who suggested they get her when they had come the day before, one was of age and the other was feeling healthy enough that if anything happened he could get them out. Both Fleamont and Euphemia had reluctantly agreed, if only so that Lily wasn’t left alone for the holidays – and if not to give the children a margin of freedom.
“And your parents really are fine with you being here for the rest of the holidays?” Euphemia asked after a second, gesturing for James and Sirius to come and help with her luggage.
Lily nodded her head with an easy smile. “Things have been awkward with Petunia and Vernon since they got engaged, and I really don’t feel like spending my holidays at a house full of Dursley’s.”
“Well alright then, I’m not sure what that means but it doesn’t sound pleasant, but if for any reason you need to go home then let myself or Flea know and we will figure something out” Euphemia spoke with a soft smile before she placed a kiss on the girls cheek. “Now I am going to prepare dinner, boys make sure Lily’s things are placed in her room, and then all of you can get back to decorating before we eat.”
The boys groaned but followed through on the order, Sirius all but jumping the last steps and grinning as he placed a sloppy kiss on Lily’s cheek before reaching for her truck, but Hermione was more interested in James reaction.
Her brother nervously wiped his hands on his jeans, his cheeks slightly pink as Lily reached out to hug him, his arms wrapping around her shyly and a silly smile making it’s way onto his face.
“Sickeningly sweet, isn’t it?” Hermione jumped as Sirius spoke, his breath ghosting over her ear as she turned to face him with an amused smile.
“That’s one word for.” Remus muttered as he passed by them with a knowing look in his eye, Lily’s backpack on his shoulder as he manoeuvred by the two now pulling apart with matching red cheeks and flickering eyes.
…
The Potter’s had a habit of going all out at Christmas, for some it was probably too much, but Hermione couldn’t help but think it was beautiful, especially at night as they sat in the sitting room – the tree decorated with everything from baubles to fairies that twinkled softly – to candles and a roaring fireplace with heat protected stockings above, one for everyone in the house.
Her parents had retired for the evening, leaving the six teenagers alone to play their games and talk as they sipped on weak brandy hot chocolates and hot cider, stacks of sweet treats on the coffee table and laughter that seemed to fill the room.
It felt as though it had been so long since they were like this, in such a good place, enjoying the moment and enjoying the company, that it almost made her worry something would happen to change it.
“Hey now, none of that.” James hissed as he pressed a finger between her brows, pushing up the frowning skin as she turned to playfully frown at him.
“I wasn’t doing anything but thinking about which cards I’m going to use to eliminate you, baby brother.”
James scoffed as he leaned away from her, grinning widely. “Come on now, we all know no one can beat me at this game.” He added as he threw a card down into the middle, sending a wink to her as she frowned and tried to hide her smile.
“Well considering you just threw down a rather good card, I’m going to say beating you is not going to be that challenging.” Hermione laughed as James’ head turned towards the pile before he swore under his breath and fell backwards to lay on the rug.
“Why is this game so hard?” He groaned as Hermione chuckled.
“Drama queen.”
“Me? You’re calling me a drama queen?” James asked back as he sat up, turning to face her but there was a glimmer of amusement in his eyes as Hermione raised a brow. “Have you looked in the mirror?” He teased as Hermione laughed.
“Have you?” Hermione asked.
“Rude.”
Hermione snickered as she turned back to the game, while James whined beside her as he slowly lost, and the rest of their friends laughed and joked.
“I think I’m going to turn in for the night.” Remus muttered as he let out a giant yawn, stretching his arms above his head before frowning down at the biscuit crumbs that littered his chest. “When did that happen?” He asked no one as he brushed them away.
“Probably around the time you finished the plate.” Marlene muttered, sending him a sweet smile as he turned to glare at her, as she threw the rest of her cards into the middle. “And on that note, I think I’m going to go to bed too.”
Sirius groaned as Lily nodded her head, standing up to join Remus and Marlene, James copying rapidly as Hermione smiled and moved to clean up their mess. “You’re all so boring – what happened to staying up all night?” He pouted as he stretched his legs out.
“Considering we’ll probably have a late one tomorrow and we have a lot of work to do, it would be better to get some sleep – so come on, up you get.” Lily ordered with a grin as she reached out to try and tug on his hands, only to groan when he refused to move. “Sirius!”
Sirius chuckled as he pulled himself up, grinning down at Lily as she glared at him, the pair of them ignoring James’ narrowed eyed look he sent their way as Hermione pulled herself from the floor with a snort, nudging her brother with her elbow.
She understood his worry, but all that seemed to have develop between Lily and Sirius was a strange friendship, one that had come from shit between them and apologies. Sirius had done his part to make up for his mistakes, and had left Snape alone for the majority of the year, and perhaps he had grown in a way that Lily could see and appreciate.
But there would never be anything more between them – that much was certain.
The group walked through the archway and up the stairs, as Hermione watched them go, the plates and cups floating before her.
Shaking her head, she made her way to the kitchen, gently placing the used objects in the sink and turning on the water – no doubt Poppy would be annoyed in the morning that the mess hadn’t been left for her but considering how much she would probably have to do, Hermione didn’t mind washing a few plates and cups.
It was almost methodical, the soapy water and the actions that came, the Muggle way offering a type of comfort that came from doing stuff yourself.
“Do you usually clean at 1 in the morning?”
“Merlin – fucking hell.” Hermione all but screamed as she turned, sending soap bubbles over the floor in her haste to glare at Sirius. “Do you Black’s enjoy appearing out of nowhere?” She asked with a slight growl as she pulled the plug from the sink and dried her hands.
“Only when it’s you.”
“How lucky for me.”
Sirius smiled quickly as he sat himself down at the island, leaning onto the granite and staring at the marbled effect with a frown as Hermione watched him out of the corner of her eye as she grabbed a glass of water for bed.
“Everything ok?” She asked after a second, leaning across the opposite side and frowning as those silver orbs seemed to swirl and gleam before her like some sort of star.
“Hm? Yeah, it’s fine.” He answered dully with a small smile, his eyes drifting to the necklace as it rested against her neck, her own hand raising to fiddle with the stone – to touch the present that she had never taken off.
“Doesn’t seem like it.” She answered with a frown as he smiled softly again, a bit of apprehension there that made him seem so distant.
“Just got a lot on my mind, Kitten, nothing you need to worry about.”
“Well as a friend and someone who cares, I think I have a right to be worried.” Hermione answered as she reached out to tap his hand, trying not to feel the sting of rejection as he pulled it away with a frown. “Is it about your family?” She asked after a second, straightening herself up and placing on her mask of indifference.
“Why would you think that?” He asked with a slight laugh as he leaned back himself, looking towards the door as though he wanted to turn tail and run.
“Because you’ve come to sit in here with me instead of speaking to James or Remus.” Hermione answered softly as he turned to look at her once again, too many emotions in his eyes that it made her gut clench, as she let out a sigh. “Because I understand on some level.”
“Maybe I just wanted to spend time with you.” He answered back, but she wasn’t stupid and he knew that. He had never needed to sneak down in the middle of the night and avoid eyes to spend time with her.
He was Sirius Black for Merlin’s sake. He did what he wanted without caring – he flirted and annoyed people, and equally charmed them in the same breath. And he had never had a problem with sitting beside her, pulling on a curl and speaking to her whenever he wanted.
It never mattered if James, or Lily or even her mother was there – and she had never thought that she had made him seemed like that was a problem. Sneaking around wasn’t their thing, and she didn’t enjoy the unease she felt when he looked towards the stairs like he was nervous someone would come down and tell him off.
“Right...so what’s bothering you?” Hermione tried asking again before she sipped her water.
Sirius smiled dimly, slapping his hands on his legs before he stood up as Hermione blinked at him. “Nothing we need to talk about today.” He answered before moving away from the kitchen as Hermione followed after him.
“Sirius -” Hermione breathed out as she reached for his arm, turning him back around before he could even step foot on the stairs. “Talk to me.”
He stared at her for a second, the smile fading and his eyes become stormier than the sea as he looked down at her.
It almost made her feel naked and vulnerable in front of his eyes as he seemed to contemplate whether to tell her or not, his jaw tensing and his hand flexing beneath her pale fingers. And yet she couldn’t help the blush that spread over her cheeks or the way her eyes flickered over every inch of his face, more focused on his lips as he let out a deep breath.
“Sirius -”
He sighed, loud enough to cut her off as he shook his head, offering her an easy smile as he moved a curl away from her face. “Don’t worry about it alright, it’s nothing serious and nothing we need to speak about now.” His hand moved from her hair, trailing along the small scar of her forehead, down her cheek until he gently cupped her jaw, giving her chin a quick squeeze before he pulled away. “Night, Kitten.” He whispered the last part as he turned and walked towards the stairs.
She watched him go, willing her brain to work and explain, to understand why he looked so sad and down, why there was something unsure in his gaze as he looked at her.
Her feet finally moved at the sound of his door closing and the lock echoing throughout the house, but they moved slowly, dragging her towards her own room as she thought of how she could make sense of this or at the very least, stop the pounding in her heart before it burst through her chest.
Friday the 24th of December 1976
The day of the ball was always a nightmare, full of running around and hours worth of preparation that never felt like it should live up to the expectations – but it was always something Hermione could enjoy when she entered.
And this year was no different, except being of age meant she could without too many judging looks, something which she delighted in, much like Marlene and Sirius as James, Lily and Remus watched, trying to sneak their drinks away from Euphemia’s eyes.
It also meant a different and more mature experience, as men asked her to dance while commenting on her appearance without fear that they would be judged. And she couldn’t blame them, as she too felt and looked more mature than in the past years, with an edge of elegance that her mother had instilled in her for years.
Her dress was a beautiful champagne colour, made of soft silk that rested on her beautifully and fell like a waterfall around her, a slight hint of cleavage on display, a slit for her leg and her full back only covered by a couple of strings to hold the dress in place. She had paired it with some matching heels and minimal jewellery and make up, her hair straightened and French rolled into place.
Elegant and sexy. And she felt beautiful.
Though if not a little deflated by the lack of reaction that she might have hoped to gain from one man, the same handsome man who stood at the other edge of the room, drinking whiskey and chatting to Frank Longbottom without a care in the world.
“What did he do now?” Hermione turned, blinking as Zach appeared beside her, dressed more Muggle in a tux with an impish grin on his face as he handed he a flute of champagne.
A smile made it’s way to her face. They had wrote throughout the past two months, but it had been slightly stilted, more from her side as she let their last interaction get in the way. Too annoyed with him poking his nose in to see that problems she might have created.
“Nothing more than usual.” Hermione answered as she took a sip, refraining from asking why he was here as half the members of the order crawled around in dress robes and shifty eyes. “I didn’t know you could dress up this well.” She added as she pulled on the tux and he laughed.
“Is that code for saying I’m a handsome son of a bitch?” He asked, brown eyes twinkling as she smiled up as him, humming in agreement. “Well, thank you – but it’s nothing compared to you.” He added, smiling much softer as he looked her over quickly.
Her heart panged slightly, once he would have looked with more promise and perhaps lust but those days truly seemed over, replaced by mutual affection and memories of a different time. How much it had changed in a year.
“Thank you.”
Zach sighed as he took the flute from her hand, placing it onto a table as he gripped her hand. “Come on, we’re going to dance – maybe it will get that sad look off your face.” He added as he pulled her towards the dance floor.
“I don’t have a sad look on my face.” Hermione bit back, though her mouth curled into a smile as he spun her out and into his arms with a grin.
“Yes, you do, it’s adorably pathetic – and also not you.” He spoke lowly, reaching up tap her nose before he began their journey in swirling around. “The Hermione I know would take no prisoners, have a good night and make sure to do something to catch an idiot’s attention.” He winked as he spoke, seeming delighted at her frown.
“I don’t want anyone’s attention.”
“Is that why you’ve spent the first hour of the ball staring at Sirius Black?” He spoke, gasping in drama as he pushed her away and pulled her back by both her hands. If her cheeks weren’t on fire and she wasn’t more focused on her gossiping ex then she would have commented on his strange dance.
“It’s nothing – or it’s something but I’m not sure what because he won’t actually talk and...it’s nothing.” She said instead as he pulled her closer, resting his hands on her waist and grinning.
“Look -” He stopped himself as he spun her around before pulling her back into his arms.. “I know last time we spoke, I maybe stepped a bit out of line, but I wasn’t wrong about what I said, but you seeing you this unsure just isn’t like you.” His voice dipped like his smile, kind warm eyes flashing with concern that made her feel far too much guilt.
“Things are different, so much has happened and it takes it’s toil.” Hermione tried to explain, looking away and back to the now frowning silver eyed boy.
“Yeah it does, but it also doesn’t change how you might feel.” Zach whispered to her as he slowed their dance to match the music, holding her closer than most might think was normal, but his hands rested gently on her hips now, appropriate and reminding her of far too many other times he had held her there.
It had been too long. Coughing she shook away the old images and raised a single brow. “I thought you wanted me to wait until he matured.”
“I did – I do – but I also want you to be happy with the choices you make – you’re Hermione Potter, and you deserve whatever you want.” He muttered, as though it was obvious, as though he couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t be diving into something or someone with everything she had.
“What if I’m not sure what I want?”
“Then go after what you think you want and see if it works for you – sometimes it might not end the way we wanted but the memories and everything that happened make it worth it.” His eyes softened as Hermione gave him a smile. “With everything happening outside these walls, why waste our time with what ifs and being scared instead of enjoying what we have in whatever amount of time we have.” He added as he reached to brush away a small piece of hair from her eyes.
“I see leaving Hogwarts and joining...the ministry has made you something opportunist.” Hermione joked, her throat feeling slightly tight as he smiled down at her.
“That’s what happens when you see Moody everyday.” He joked back before his smile fell. “But honestly Hermione -”
“I’ll think about it, and thank you.” Hermione cut him off quickly, letting out a sigh as she forced a smile to appear on her face and her hand to gently slap against his shoulder. “Now tell me about you – how has everything been for you?” She asked as he rolled his eyes.
“Trying to change the subject – just as he was looking over -” Her head turned slightly before she tensed her jaw and looked at Zach expectantly. “Alright, fine...well…”
…
Hermione sighed as she avoided yet another family eager to talk to her about their son and prospects, spinning around an older couple and hiding behind a group of people.
She should have known this would happen, she was a Potter after all, with what they probably thought was a sizeable dowry on her back, and held some relation to the Black’s – and she was now of age and clearly able to be chased around since it was her decision on who she would marry and they no longer had to question just her parents.
It was ridiculous.
“What are you doing?” Hermione blinked, looking up to the amused face that stared down at her as she straightened herself up and frowned.
“Oh...hi Frank.” Hermione replied as she stepped away, having no realised she had been using him as a shield. “Sorry, I was just trying to hide from – well I’m not sure who but they wanted to talk to me.” Hermione explained rapidly as Frank followed her eye.
“Not a problem -”
“Who was it, girl?” The pair blinked as Augusta Longbottom came into view, dressed slightly different than usual but still over the top and sterner looking than her kind son. Her eagle eyes landed on Hermione, face creased with wrinkles and annoyance. “Well?”
“Mum!”
“I – I don’t know.”
“Unbelievable, the nerve of some people – chasing you around your own home, like you aren’t the daughter of a noble house.” Augusta scoffed as Hermione stared at her wide eyed and Frank looked around nervously. “They ought to have some respect – don’t worry, dear, just point me in their direction and I’ll set them straight.” Hermione blinked as the older woman looked at her expectantly.
“That’s alright, Mrs Longbottom, I’m sure they meant no -”
“I’ll decide that for myself – it seems you Potter’s always need a Longbottom to help – Frankie, be a gentleman and ask her to dance.” Augusta didn’t wait for them to argue as she strolled off, glaring at everyone she passed, eyes scanning for someone as Hermione and Frank watched.
Hermione felt her lips twitch as she watched the woman stop to whisper at someone before she continued across the room. There was something so formidable about her, and something that made her think she might be the type of woman to wear a vulture on a hat and carry a red handbag while she barked and ordered people around.
She could almost see why Mr Longbottom was a quiet and reclusive man, prone to moments of silliness but happy to let his wife manage their problems. And why Frank was also quiet and kind. It was hard to be anything else when such a strong and loud woman existed.
“Did you want to dance?” Hermione turned to face the man before her, something so familiar in his expression as he regarded her awkwardly and his cheeks turned slightly pink.
“Will your mother yell if I reject?”
“More so at me than you.”
“Well then, let’s go.” Hermione sighed as she grinned, pulling on his hands and leading him towards the dance floor, as he spun them around nervously and pink cheeked.
It wasn’t as familiar as with Zach, but there was something oddly endearing about their dance as Frank timidly lead them around the room, occasionally tripping over his own feet and his cheeks turning pinker by the second.
“So are you and Alice ever going to tie the knot?” Hermione asked after a few seconds of silence, his eyes all but bugging out of his head as he looked down at her. The same height as her brother, but seeming much smaller today thanks to her shoes. “Oh come on, you’ve been together for years, everyone can see it coming.” She added softly as he blushed even deeper.
His mouth opened and closed a few times before he looked around. “Maybe it will happen the moment you and Black stop dancing around each other.” Hermione blinked as he nodded his head to the side where Sirius was watching them.
Hermione laughed slightly, turning back to look at him and smirking slightly. “Three years.” Her head began to itch as a blurry round face and kind eyes appeared in her head. “Three years and you’ll be married with a kid on the way.” He blinked down at her and frowned, shaking his head as she tried to keep the throbbing away.
Before Frank could say anything, the song ended and a soft hand rested on his arm as Hermione stepped away, turning to see wide eyed Alice looking between them both amused. “Mind if I cut in?”
“Be my guest.” Hermione gestured, spinning out of the way as she sent a quick wink before the music started again.
Her eyes searched around the room, stopping on the flash of golden hair and skin, a tight black mermaid style dress with a hint of green climbing up the skirt, which had been amusing to say the least. Hermione would have smiled if she hadn’t seen the anger in which Marlene was speaking, Remus in his older dress robes by her side and frowning.
Hermione’s hackles rose as she moved forward a step only to sigh as Marlene moved back and revealed an annoyed Sirius.
It didn’t take a genius to figure out what they were talking about as they pointed towards where Zach stood speaking with some older gentlemen and then Frank as he danced sweetly with Alice, closer and whispering sweet nothings to each other, and then lastly towards her direction, silver eyes meeting her own.
“What are you doing?” Hermione sighed as Lily moved into her view, a beautiful stiffer knee length green satin dress that made her look like she should be in the 50’s, her hair swept over one shoulder and her matching gloves sliding down her arms.
“Do you know what’s happening over there?” Hermione asked back as Lily looked over her shoulder at their friends as they continued arguing and frowned before turning back around.
“Not a clue, and I’m not sure I want to know.” Lily answered, but her eyes had drifted past Hermione, causing the girl to turn and watch as her best friend watched as James spoke to some people, hair messier than it should have been, but looking quite handsome as he said something that had people laughing.
Hermione watched as he turned around, spotting the pair of them instantly, his hazel eyes lighting up as he strode over to them, her best friend shifting slightly and running her hands through her hair as Hermione scoffed.
“Sister, Evans – did I tell you that you both look stunning this evening?” James spoke with a wide grin, and though he complimented her, his eyes never left Lily’s. “Do you want to dance?” He asked as Lily blinked at him and he cringed, almost seeming ready to say something else before she could reject him.
“Yes.”
Hermione blinked as Lily all but shouted in agreement, her cheeks pinker than normal as James grinned widely and held out his hand, the pair of them leaving her there without another word or even another look.
Scoffing, she turned around, back to where her friends were arguing. Whether they noticed her or not as she watched them, mainly Marlene and Sirius, going back and forth – until Sirius seemed to have had enough, saying one last thing that had Marlene narrowing her eyes and watching as he walked out of the room.
Hermione began moving, dodging people and sighing as a man stood in her way. “Miss Potter, I was hoping we could -”
“No time, sorry.” Hermione mumbled back as she pushed past him and continued on her way towards the entrance.
…
It didn’t take her long to figure out where he had gone.
She just wished he would have had some sense and not chosen the freezing outside while she was in a thin dress, not that he expected her to follow as he stood leaning against a tree, a cigarette in his hand and looking more tempting than usual in his unbuttoned robes and loose white shirt.
A shiver wracked through her spine that had nothing to with the cold and everything to do with the rush of heat that was suddenly filling her body as she stepped closer and those silver eyes, swirling and memorising, locked with her own. Her heart seemed to skip a beat as he blew smoke from his mouth and regarded her with a slightly hooded expression.
“It’s a little bit cold to be out here.” His voice was slightly raspy as he blinked and looked away as she stood before him.
Hermione scoffed as she crossed her arms over her chest, feeling slightly exposed against the cold now his heated look was gone and she suddenly remembered she wasn’t wearing a bra. “I should be saying that to you.”
“I’m not the one in a pretty dress and without a robe.” He pointed out, his eyes drifting down to her arms before he looked away again and took a deep drag from his cigarette.
“Then I suppose you should be a gentleman and offer me yours, or at the very least, find some other way to keep me warm.” Silver eyes met her own again as she raised an eyebrow and fought the urge to blush as his eyes ran over her body and his free hand twitched by his side for a quick second.
He scoffed and relaxed back against the tree as Hermione sagged in slight disappointment. “I’m sure many of the men you danced with inside would be willing to help you there.”
“Maybe I don’t want them to help.” Hermione spoke, a slight thrill running through her at the thought that he might be jealous, followed by the feeling of guilt. Why did she even care if he was jealous?
“Not even the ex you spent half of your night pressed against?” It wasn’t a question, despite how much he tried to frame it like one. It was statement, something he wasn’t happy about but wasn’t quite sure what he should do, or didn’t want to actually do anything over.
“I thought being an adult meant I no longer had to ask permission to dance with certain men.” Hermione claimed as she took a slight step backwards. “Especially those who are simply just a good friend, and who were trying to offer me advice about a certain moody boy.” She added, wincing slightly as Sirius frowned at her.
“You can’t be friends with an ex’.”
“No, you can’t be friends with an ex.” Hermione snapped as her eyes narrowed. “But I think you’ll find more mature people have no problem with it.” Now, maybe at first, but she wasn’t about to bring that up when Sirius was frowning at her like he was.
“I didn’t mean to offend you.” Sirius spoke lowly as he shook his head and flicked his dying cig onto the ground. “I just find it hard to believe that you can be friends with someone you once cared about without deeper feelings getting in the way.” He explained softly as Hermione let out a silent ‘oh’.
She moved to stand beside him, aware of his eyes on her as she spoke. “It’s easier when those feelings are no longer there.”
If he was surprised or doubted her, he didn’t show it but instead raised another cig to his lips, lighting it with his lighter as he watched her. His lips quirked slightly, like he was fighting a smile as he pulled the cig away from his lips. “Maybe not romantically, but the pair of you did look like you were a second away from jumping each other.”
Hermione blushed as she thought back to her dance with Zach, full of laughter and fun, only a couple of moments had sprung to mind and it had only been for a few seconds, but it wasn’t like she was panting after him like a dog in heat.
She had simply being enjoying her night with a friend, who yes was her ex and yes she could still admit was attractive, but it wasn’t the same any more and it wouldn’t be again. They had had a good run, and a few good nights together, but that had ended before summer began, and they had enough space to move on from it.
Sometimes she wished she could say the same for the boy next to her.
Who once again seemed to be on some sort of mission to tempt her in the worst and best possible way to the point that she almost felt jealous of the cigarette he was holding so dearly.
“Are you jealous?” She found herself asking before she could comprehend the words coming out of her mouth as Sirius frowned at her once again, a flash of panic flying across his face before she smiled. “Everything between Zach and I, romantically and physically, is over – and also who I want to sleep with is none of your business.” She added as she plucked the cig from his hand and took a puff, holding back the cough that tried to escape her throat.
Sirius let out a small chuckle as she finally let the coughing loose, patting her back gently with one hand as he reached back for his cig with the other, before a look of confusion took over his face. “What if I was jealous?”
“Hm?”
Hermione stared at him with wide eyes as he stepped forward, leaving little space between them as she looked up, his breath all but fanning across her face. He was tall, he always had been compared to her but he seemed so much taller now despite her heels, tall, strong and the first signs of thicker stubble making it’s way around his jaw.
He was no longer young Sirius Black, a handsome boy, but instead a man before her eyes. Her breath skipped a beat as he looked down slightly and gave her a wicked grin.
“I mean Zach is a good looking boy – you’re lucky he gave you the time of day.”
Sirius laughed as her hand came out to push his chest, feigning a couple of steps backwards before he reached out to grip her hand and pull her forward, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her into a hug.
Hermione smiled against his chest, warm and hard beneath her cheek, sending away the shivers of the cold and letting her feel what she had only had the luxury of at night when he held away the nightmares, something that they hadn’t done for a while.
Which was why she blamed it on the way they reacted now, pulling apart slowly and carefully, their gaze hooked on the other, the air seeming thicker than before and her heart pounding in her chest, his own against her hand as she raised it to rest there.
His head bowed down an inch, his eyes moving to look at her lips as she gave a shuddering breath. There was a voice whispering in her head that told that it wasn’t the right time, that this would only end like it did the year before, and all the hurt would come back before she was sucked in again, before they gave in but she didn’t care to listen to it.
If she was being honest with herself, for possibly one of the first times, this is what she had wanted for longer than she should have.
To be looked at like he was looking at her now, with a mix of lust and something deeper, something that made her heart yearn and ache for him to take a step closer, to sweep her off her feet and cherish her in a way that only romance novels seemed talk about.
His lips brushed hers as he leaned down further, a feather of a kiss that made her long for more – but even with everything she wanted, she wasn’t going to give in, he had to take it, to want it as much as she did.
A small breath between them, the mingle of alcohol and tobacco on her tongue as she waited and he shifted to move in closer, his hand on her hip and tingling her in the most delicious way, a reminder of the year before when they had moved in with passion and heavy breaths, now replaced with a sweeter moment.
She could almost feel the pressure, her heart beating like a drum in one of his loud songs…
“Hey!” Hermione gasped out a breath as Sirius ducked away, the pair looking towards the door as James strode out, no amusement on his face as he looked between the pair. “Where have you both been – we’ve been looking for ages...come on, mum wants us all back inside.” His words seemed to jump around as he slapped the side of Sirius’ arm with a bit too much force, his eyes focused more on Hermione.
“Can you just give us a moment?” Hermione asked, her voice slightly raspy as Sirius looked at her with wide eyes and James raised his eyebrows.
“No can do, party is nearly over and you know what mum is like if we aren’t there to wish our guests off.” His arm moved to wrap around Sirius’ shoulder, pulling him slightly as he nodded his head towards the door and waited for Hermione to move.
Her tongue stuck into her cheek as she gave one last look to Sirius before scoffing and walking, her arms now folded above her chest and her ears straining to hear whatever her brother was saying to Sirius, who despite being taller was allowing James to drag him along.
Stupid fucking boys.
…
Hermione sighed as she stared at her reflection, still sat in her dress despite the hour, though her hair was free and falling in soft waves and her face was free of make up, making her feel rather plain in her beautiful dress.
These past few days had just been too confusing, full of moments that made her think and feel things she wasn’t sure she should, made her want more than she would probably get, and made her annoyed at her brothers habit of appearing at the worst possible moments.
But the reality was that even if they had done something, all it would ever be was a kiss, it wasn’t like she was prepared to go at it there in the garden where anyone could see, nor would they have been able to sneak past the room and up the stairs without someone seeing and telling her parents, or worse her parents seeing.
And was it even what she wanted? Logically, no, it was never going to end well but...but her body and far too much of her was hormonal, plus the irrational part of her brain was screaming for her to do it.
Sighing, she stood up, running her hands through her hair as she paced along her floor and willed her most teenage desires to shut the fuck up, but all she could think about was the burning on his hand on her waist and the whisper of his lips, or the kiss they had shared the year before.
There were ways around this, things she could do that would ease the lust, calm her down and allow her to go on with her life, but it would never be as good.
The creak of a floorboard reached her ears, breaking through her thoughts as she frowned towards the door. As far as she knew everyone was in bed and asleep, all guests had left and her traitorous cat had escaped to sleep with Lily and Parsley, leaving her alone.
Gripping her wand, she moved towards the door, opening it carefully and peeking her wand and head out to look around.
A gasp left her mouth as she saw a cringing Sirius outside, much like herself still dressed for the ball, though his shoes and robes had gone, and his shirt had was half unbuttoned.
“What are you doing?” Hermione hissed as he blushed in the faint light of her room, his hands moving to rest in his pockets as his head turned to look down at her parents door and then James’ next to her own.
He moved forward quickly until he stood before her, looking much more nervous than she had ever seen him. “I wanted to talk to you.” He whispered gently as Hermione blinked.
Much like before, he was too close and it was too tempting. All she would have to do would be raise on her toes and pull him down and she could finish what they started outside, but instead she remained, only moving slightly to further open her door and invite him silently inside.
His breath wavered as he exhaled, head ducking as he moved into the room, turning to look at her as she closed the door.
Her heart began its pounding again. How many times had he been in her room before? Yet it had never felt like this, never been full of nerves and something else, perhaps more intense than it had been outside even though they stood further apart.
“Well what did you want to -”
“What happened earlier – I shouldn’t have – I shouldn’t have done that.” Her heart sunk to her throat and disappointment wormed its way into her veins as he stared at her, once again rejecting what had happened. At least there wasn’t an audience this time.
“You really needed to come in here to tell me that?” Hermione asked with a scoff as she took a step forward, her arms crossed over her chest and her face trying to hide what she felt. “You could have just told me tomorrow or you know, not even mention it.”
He shifted from foot to foot under her narrowed eyes, cheeks still slightly red. “You deserve to know.”
“I deserve to know that you don’t want me despite the mixed signals and everything that has happened between us?” Hermione asked with a scoff, as she moved to sit on her bed. “Call me crazy, but perhaps it would be better if we stopped doing this dance – we could then at least save ourselves the hassle of the following awkward months.” She remarked dryly as Sirius watched her with a frown.
“I never said I didn’t -”
“If you’re going to give excuses then I’m going to ask you to stop – it’s far too tiring to carry on with this cycle.” His mouth opened as she raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to comment or tell her something but there was nothing. “Well, if that’s all then you can leave.” She added as she stood back up, moving past him to grab her pyjamas from the back of her chair and heading towards the bathroom.
“Are you dismissing me now, your highness?” Sirius asked dryly as Hermione pursed her lips and tried not to snap at the nickname.
“What else do you expect me to do?” Instead she asked, stopping in the entrance to her bathroom with a glare. “You, once again, have made your side clear, and I am done trying and really done with this game.” She hissed out the words as he looked at her with annoyance.
“I’m not playing a game.”
“What are you doing then other than playing with my feelings?”
“Feelings?” His voice was like a whisper, eyes seeming much brighter than before until he seemed to remember something as he shook his head. “I’m not -”
“We’ve done this before, we don’t need to do this again – so just leave and we can forget this whole day happened and instead we can go on with our lives.” Hermione waved her hand towards the door, anger and hurt bubbling under the surface.
She hadn’t meant to admit that there was something between them, or at least from her. It was something she had tried to push down and ignore despite what everyone else had said to her. And it was embarrassing that she had carelessly let out in her moment of annoyance.
“I don’t want to forget – that’s not – you’re not letting me finish what I have to say.” Sirius suddenly snapped, before her once again, tall and imposing but never threatening.
“Why would I want to -”
“Because you’re not the only person with feelings, Hermione.” And just like that, hope came flooding back, her breath leaving her as she stared at him. Though he didn’t seem happy, still nervous as he looked down at her while taking a step backwards.
“What – then why -”
“This isn’t as easy as just climbing into bed and having a fun night, and that’s something I never want to do with you or what you deserve.” He explained softer, anger and annoyance melting from his face for something much more vulnerable as she took a small step closer.
“I think I can decide what I deserve.” Hermione whispered as her heart beat erratically in her chest and her eyes looked to his lips.
“Well so can I.” He moved away, sitting on her bed and rubbing his head in his hands before he looked up at her. “Everything that has happened, everything that you and your family have done for me – and are still doing – this isn’t something I can fuck up because of what I feel.” He never looked more sad than he did now.
Hermione blinked and took another step forward, softer and more carefully like she was walking towards a cowering pup. “Who says you will fuck it up?”
“I do.” Sirius bit out with a sarcastic laugh. “I know what I’m like, and you do too – I’m too fucking broken to able to give you everything you want and deserve, too messed up to say I can even try and commit and too -”
“Have you ever thought that I am not looking for those things?” Hermione cut him off before he could continue, her own laugh softer and more amused. “We’re seventeen years old, Sirius, I’m not asking you to get down on one knee and make me your wife.” Though the idea wasn’t as off putting as she wanted to make it sound.
He chuckled despite the tension in the room, shaking his head as he looked at her hopelessly. “But one day you might want that, and I can’t – I can’t risk losing you as a friend or have to watch you do that with someone else because I ran away when it got too tough.”
“But you’re doing that now.”
“Hermione -”
“You’re not willing to even give this a chance because you’re scared of what might happen or what people might think.” Hermione spoke softly, sighing as she added even softer. “If that isn’t running away then I don’t know what is.”
Hermione moved, dropping her pyjamas back onto her chair, and sitting by his side. She left enough space between them so she could think, so she wouldn’t be too distracted by everything he was, but it was still hard to focus as she looked into his eyes.
He gulped, shifting in his seat like he wanted to move closer but couldn’t bring himself to do it.
“I understand what you are saying, but I also want to ask if you know what it means if you walk away.” He gulped again and his mouth opened and closed like a fish. “It means no more moments like this, no near moments, no more blurring the line between friends and more – no nights together and it means having to watch each other move onto someone else – it means maybe regretting not even trying while we could.” She whispered, Zach’s words ringing loud in her ears and her heart in her stomach again.
“I know.”
“Ok.” Hermione whispered as Sirius frowned at her, like he almost wanted her to fight and maybe a part of him did. “Then I get to ask for one thing.” Her stomach twisted with her own nerve as he stared at her.
“Oh – of course.”
“Give me tonight.” His eyes turned wide and his mouth opened to fight, but Zach had been right. Hermione wasn’t someone to back down and she had been told in many rejecting forms that she wasn’t alone in how she was feeling. “Give me tonight, and I’ll give you time to decide if this is worth risking or losing.”
“Hermione -”
“You can say no, I won’t force you to stay – you can leave now and that will be it – or we could have tonight and more time to make this choice.” Her words were whispered as he stared at her, almost scared, guilt creeping it’s way up her spine and her sudden moment of confidence seeming to fade with every passing second. “It’s your cho-”
His lips were on hers before she could even finish her sentence, soft and warm yet hard with need and everything else he might have been feeling.
A small whimper left her mouth as his hand wound it’s way into her hair, his other snaking around her waist to pull her closer, and her own hands resting on his chest. It was almost reminiscent of their first kiss, passionate and hungry, but sweeter and maybe a hint of sadness.
There might have been some regret but it was gone in the moment he pulled back slightly to look into her eyes, searching for confirmation even as he asked her and her own breathy response came, eager as her hands pulled on his shirt, a hint for him to move closer. He seemed to think for a second before his lips were crushing against her own again and her own hands began to wander along the buttons of his shirt.
She would think about it in the morning, think if it was what they should have done when he was so on the edge, but for now she was going to let herself get lost in the feel of his hands, lips and everything else on her skin.
…
Sunday the 25th of December 1976
“What the fuck is this?” Hermione sat herself up in her bed as she looked to Lily at her bedroom door, the piece of wood shutting softly behind her as she stepped further into the room.
Hermione blinked, gripping the duvet closer to her chest to stop it from slipping and revealing too much as she turned her head in the dim early morning light. Sirius still laid beside her, on his stomach and the duvet scrunched around his waist, and his eyes on Hermione.
“Merry Christmas, Evans.” Sirius spoke with a grin as he turned slightly, resting on his elbows to look at the girl as she moved further into the room, eyebrows raised as she reached down to pick up Hermione’s dress from the night before, clasping it between thin fingers and then dropping back to the floor.
“For only some of us it seems.” Lily remarked dryly as she turned to look at Hermione. “Want to explain what happened here last night?”
“I never knew you were one for the dirty details. Evans.” Sirius gaped as he grinned at the now blushing redhead.
“I’m sure your mum explained to you what happens between two willing adults in the privacy of a bedroom, Lil’.” Hermione added despite how awkward it actually was to be remind that there was now between her and Sirius as he moved his hips, bumping in her own, and that her best friend was stood before them both.
“Oh great, a sarcastic morning, do I need to explain to you who happens to sleep next door and is going to flip out if he finds out?” Lily asked with a sarcastic smile as she point to Hermione’s wall. “Or do I also need to remind you both of what happened last year and how awkward that was for everyone?” No one need that reminder ever, but especially not now.
“It won’t be like that this time.” Hermione spoke, determined even as she a avoided Sirius’ eye.
“Of course not, because seeing each other naked and then deciding not to go through with this is only going to make your friendship stronger.” Her voice was sweet but her smile was colder than Marlene’s eyes, as she pushed the clothes aside with her foot and shook her head.
“Lil, just – I get your concern, but can you just trust that we’ve already spoke about everything and we know where we stand.” Hermione spoke, she wasn’t about to voice what they had spoke about nor the path they seemed to have taken and what it might mean, but it was enough for Lily to wipe the annoyed look off her face.
“You did?”
“Yes.”
“You actually spoke?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t believe -”
“MERRY CHRISTMAS!”
“Shit.” Lily hissed as the sound of James’ feet on the floor were heard rushing towards his door, it would only be a matter of seconds before he would burst in here.
Hermione moved fast, climbing out of her bed, ignoring the appreciative moan from Sirius and the way Lily rolled her eyes. They had lived together for six years, and it wasn’t like their dormitory bathroom was full of showers, but it still didn’t help when Lily’s eyes zoomed in on the hickey as she threw Hermione the pyjamas she had left on her chair the night before.
“Get the door.” Hermione hissed at her friend before she turned to look at a sheepish Sirius, his hands holding the duvet to his lap. “Seriously...don’t – just get in the bathroom.” She ordered as he blushed deeper.
James’ door had slammed over, they had a few seconds, and he had no qualms about busting in. Sirius ran fast as Lily let out a small squeak as the duvet was thrown onto the bed and he ran across the room and into the bathroom just as her brother forced his way into the room.
“MERRY CHRISTMAS!” He cried, eyes closed and hands in the air as Lily pushed the clothes on her floor behind the now open door. “Oh...hi!” Bright hazel eyes and a lopsided smile made it’s way onto her brothers face as he looked at Lily.
Hermione rolled her eyes and moved forward. “Merry Christmas, baby brother.” She rasped out, standing before him so he wouldn’t come in further.
He turned to grin at her, adjusting his glasses as he frowned down at her outfit. “Why is your shirt on back to front?” He asked as she looked down, blushing slightly and pulling at the collar. “And what happened to your neck?” His hand raised to touch the mark as Lily guffawed.
“Because I had to dress fast before you burst in here so you didn’t see anything – and I erm...I tripped last night?” Her words sound more like a question as James frowned at her, his mouth opening to ask something more when Lily moved in front of him.
“James!” Lily all but shouted as she gripped his shoulders and grinned brightly. “Can you come and help me in the kitchen – I want to make a something for your parents to say thank you.”
“Wh – what?” James asked, blinking down at the girl as she continued to smile up at him and Hermione watched in amusement, he didn’t seem as focused on everything else when the girl of his dreams was looking at him.
Lily grinned even wider, reaching for his hand and pulling him out of the door. “Come on, it’s an Evans tradition and I think you’ll like it.” James nodded his head, but his eyes were focused on their hands, giving Lily enough time to give Hermione a look that said ‘You owe me.’.
Hermione smiled and nodded her head, closing the door gently after them. Her back hit the wood as she sighed, leaning forward slightly as the still naked Sirius crept out of the bathroom and looked at her sheepishly.
“I suppose I better go and get dressed.” He mumbled, holding his hands in front of himself as Hermione let out a sigh as he moved towards the clothes behind the door.
Her nodded her head, looking away as he dressed himself in the clothes from the night before, she could have said something or offered him something from the abundance of clothes she had stolen from the boys throughout the year, told him to stay and make his choice now but it would only serve to make the day harder than it would be probably be.
Instead she stood up as he shuffled his feet towards her, standing before the door and blinking up at him nervously. There was only conflict and concern on his face as he reached for her, pulling her into a quick hug and resting his head on top of hers.
“Merry Christmas, Kitten.”
“Merry Christmas, Sirius.”