Birthday
Saturday the 18th of September 1976
She had tried. Had tried to take Professor McGonagall’s words to heart and follow through with them, hadn’t complained when she stepped foot into detention and left at one in the morning, hand aching from correcting homework and ears all but bleeding from lecture after lecture.
But while the whispers seemed to fade to nothing, and people only watched her with a cautious eye as Stebbins all but whimpered to himself whenever he saw her – instead an anger had taken a hold of her very being, twisting its way around her body and whispering to her brain. This was just the quiet before the storm.
Everything in her was ready to snap, like a piece of rope that had been stretched too thin, its small fibres breaking every day until only one fragile piece remained. The itch in her head revealed in her anger, all but tempting her to try and have a scratch at the wall – to see what laid beneath.
Merlin, what a pathetic mess she was.
Angry and bitter, trapped inside her own mind and allowing herself to be dragged even deeper into whatever ditch of self-pity she was creating, like she was the first to have problems that no one would be able to understand.
A growl left her mouth as she flung a rock into the black lake, a shiver running through her body that had nothing to do with the cooler temperature.
It was just ridiculous that she was sat out here instead of inside with her friends who were preparing to throw her some ludicrous party like it would make everything better, like it would make her stop being someone they didn’t understand. Like she would go back to her slightly less miserable self who could laugh and smile without it being forced.
She wanted the same too, but it felt out of reached and undeserved. Like she was finally being punished for the lies she had kept for so many years – ones she couldn’t even remember, despite the fact that she had told James. Everything was just too messy...
A hiss left her mouth as she stood up, glaring at the lake, brain moving faster than it should to try and come up with some sort of solution to her problems, only to fall short.
“You’re not going to jump in, are you?” Hermione jumped as she turned to see Lily walking towards her, a sandwich wrapped in a napkin and a blazing look in her emerald eyes. “Because I will be really pissed if I have to jump in after you.” But there was no doubt that she would if Hermione did it.
Hermione couldn’t help but scoff, she may be in a shit mood and possibly a bit depressed but she wasn’t that bad – not when she had so many unanswered questions. “You’re fine.”
“Good, then you can eat this sandwich while I talk.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Just eat the sandwich, Hermione.” Lily waited until Hermione took a bite, watching her with narrowed emerald eyes and waiting until Hermione chewed the cardboard tasting food, doing her best to try and swallow it. “This needs to stop.”
“I don’t -”
“I get it, you’ve been through and lot and we’ve all tried to be there for you – but you’re worrying us, and also kind of pissing us off.” Lily snapped before Hermione could even speak, glaring back at the redhead and trying to chew around her food. “You’ve never been the sort of girl to fall apart because of something that’s happened...you pick yourself up and carry on – that’s the Potter way.” She made it sound so simple, and Hermione could see her point.
“Maybe I’ve changed.” She whispered back, picking at the bread with her fingers, the white of the loaf not far off the colour of her cold skin. “Maybe too much has happened.”
“It has, and honestly, I’m surprised it took you this long, but you haven’t changed Hermione, you’re just not dealing with what’s happening.” Lily explained, as though talking to a child who couldn’t quite understand her words.
“Why does everyone keep saying that?” Hermione asked with a small laugh, but it was slightly cold and cruel. “Do you all do this to Sirius too? Tell him how to deal and how he should feel, and who he should be.” She hissed out the words as Lily blinked at her, not seeming taken back by the aggression, more like she expected it.
“That’s not what we are doing, and you know it.” Her voice was soft, but her eyes hardened, as her pink hands clenched into fists, standing out against her green jumper. “You have no idea how lucky you are to have people so willing to care and look after you – to have a family that takes you in and showers you with love.” Hermione blinked back her own shock.
Something turned within her, because she knew this, through the darkness that tainted her vision, she knew that Euphemia and Fleamont had been there, that they loved her like their own – that James was her brother, and he would do anything for her, and her friends cared more than normal friends should.
“I know that Octans did terrible things, and you’re worried about him being out and how it will affect your life but there is nothing you can do, not at this moment, and while you sit here worrying about your life, we sit there worrying about you.” Lily claimed as Hermione did her best not to scoff and leave this conversation.
“It’s not -”
“Hermione – you’re safe here, you’re safe at home – we won’t let anything happen to you…”
“That’s what I’m afraid of and exactly what I don't want.” Hermione whispered back, her stomach turning as bile rose up the back of her throat and the itch began in her head again. It didn’t take a genius to know it had something to do with the lives of her friends.
It also didn’t take a genius to know that they were a bunch of Gryffindor’s through and through, and the thought of diving in front of spells for other people or risking their own lives was almost second nature, and incredibly infuriating.
Lily opened her mouth to speak, probably to defend her words but Hermione cut over her with a small smile, that didn’t seem half as forced. “Thank you, Lily.”
Emerald eyes blinked at her and a small smile made it’s way to her best friends face, falling slightly as she frowned. “I’m here for you, Hermione, and I’m not going to let you go down the road you and Sirius seem so eager to go down, I’m going to be there for you, even when you don’t want me to be – even if it means forcing food down your throat and following you to the bathroom. I’m here.”
It both warmed and aggravated her. The strange mix of emotions that let her know she had someone even if she didn’t want it – her eyes stung with tears and her jaw tensed, but she held back the snappish remark and annoyance, to give another half-smile and shrug of her shoulders.
…
Parties thrown by James and Sirius were known to be legendary, big and spectacular with drinks, music and loud teenagers – they also had a way of avoiding trouble with teachers for the most part.
Hermione could safely say that she wasn’t fussed for the big party atmosphere she had been thrown into, nor did she want to celebrate her seventeenth birthday in this fashion – a day early and around a bunch of people who seemed to think it was safe to congratulate her on becoming an adult with hugs and foul smelling breath.
It didn’t seem to matter to the that they had spent the last two weeks being nothing but shitty gossips, yet a bit of alcohol and some of Sirius’ rock music changed all of that.
Idiots.
She swerved before another person she barely knew could wrap her in a hug, catching sight of Edith talking in the corner, out of her Ravenclaw robes and dressed quite casually in a jumper and jeans, seeming to fit right in with the group she had surrounded herself with – that included Sirius and Remus and a joke that had everyone laughing.
A frown made its way to her face, the glass of butterbeer in her hand seeming to foam over the top and bringing her out of her annoyance to look down in wonder as the liquid spilt over her wrist.
“Is this your new way of dealing?”
“Fuck off, Jamie.” Hermione whispered back without much malice as she grabbed a napkin to clean her hand, eyes still focused on the group, teeth snapping together as Edith nodded her head at something Sirius said.
It was unnecessary to feel this annoyed over something that wasn’t even important, that didn’t make a difference to her or that she didn’t even have any feelings for, but she supposed it was something for her brain to latch onto. Or maybe it was the fact that Edith could speak so casually to Sirius despite their romantic connections.
Her and Sirius had bounced around their little argument from Monday, speaking civilly and avoiding contact with one another – and it irked her that it almost felt like a few months ago. They were past this now, or they should have been.
Silver eyes met hers as the dark eyebrows above them furrowed, leaving lines that could mare his precious skin, as something flashed through those strange swirling orbs.
“Why are Hermione and Sirius having a staring competition?” A blink and the soft voice of Lily was all it took for her to tear her eyes away so she could glare at the girl who had been true to her word and had only left her alone when there was a whole common room of people to keep an eye on her.
“It’s disgusting.” James added with a shake of his head as the corner of Lily’s mouth tipped into a smile around the edge of her bottle.
Hermione glanced back at the group again, a frown still on her face as Edith stood up, a hand on Sirius’ shoulder as he grinned up at her about something. A scoff let her mouth as she turned back to her brother and best friend, both of them watching her.
“Ah...I see...you weren’t watching Sirius but instead glaring and plotting against Edith.” Lily spoke with a smirk, tipping back her bottle and laughing when Hermione reached out to try and tip it back further into her mouth.
“I’m not plotting.” Hermione spat out.
Lily nodded her head as James rolled his eyes, mumbling something under his breath as he moved away to speak with a few of the Quidditch players and Marlene, leaving the two girls to stand on the edge of the party. “If you want we can leave the party, go upstairs, paint our nails and have a chat...if this is too much for you.”
Hermione sipped her beer as she thought over the idea. It was tempting, not the talking part, but the idea of going upstairs and just sleeping away this whole party, but she had said she would try to multiple people. And trying meant being in things that normally she would be alright with.
Her teeth dug into her bottom lip as she turned to face Lily. “I appreciate it...maybe we can keep that in mind for later.”
A small smile formed on Lily’s face, happy and unsure at the same time, as she nodded her head, but Hermione let her own drop as she stared around at all the half familiar faces, feeling slightly out of it. She watched them all dance, get drunk and have the time of their life, whatever worries they had hidden carefully behind a good time or a well-placed mask.
It annoyed her, the wish that she could do the same, that she could down her butterbeer and reach for something stronger, dance on the tables and pretend like she was having the time of her life – like the pain and problems wouldn’t still be there tomorrow, but just for a few hours she could feel the blissful release of a numb brain.
It wasn't an answer, and she knew that, had hated it when Sirius did the same thing, but the burn of the fire whiskey and the strange warmth that flooded her belly made her feel ten times lighter than before – and had her reaching for another shot on the table beside her and downing it just as fast.
“Woah there – it’s not a race.” Marlene appeared before her, all golden and icy eyes, tall and imposing but with a look of concern as she reached for Hermione’s arm, pulling her away from the shots and towards the stairs.
“I’m just trying to have fun.” Hermione grinned as she spoke, downing the shot Marlene hadn’t seen her carrying. She wasn’t drunk, nowhere near, but the feeling of the harsh liquor sliding down her throat was kind of addictive in itself.
Marlene stared at her, two pieces of chipped ice, hard and slightly annoyed. “Which I think is good for you, but that doesn’t mean trying to down a whole tray of shots in twenty minutes, does it?” There was a mothering sort of tone to her voice that grated on Hermione’s nerves and threatened to pull forth the feelings she wants to forget for a few hours.
“Mar, please just...I’m not going to get drunk...I just want a bit of the edge taken off and I want to dance – that’s it.” Her tone was whiny and begging, and a bit pathetic but Marlene seems to fold, a sigh leaving her mouth as she moved around Hermione and picked up two of the shots.
“Fine.” Hermione grinned as she took her shot, downing it and letting out a hiss.
…
It could have been two minutes or two hours, Hermione wasn’t sure. She danced and sang, drank perhaps a tad too much but she wasn't drunk or stumbling, just delightfully happy – and her friends seemed happy to see it if the grins they were sending her way are anything to go by.
It almost made her feel normal, as her feet bounced around to the music, the lyrics nothing more than a mumble to her ears, and perhaps filled her with a bit of hope that tomorrow will be slightly lighter and less depressing than the day before.
A grin made its way to her face as she caught sight of Sirius watching her, a small smile on his face and a half drunk butterbeer in his hand. He seemed surprisingly sober, and more than eager to meet her hands as she reached out for him.
“Dance with me?”
“Actually, I was hoping we could have a chat.” Sirius responded softly, dropping his hands to place them in his pockets as Hermione tried to keep her smile on her face.
“Or we could stay and dance.” Her voice wavered but she refused to give into it. He raised a single eyebrow, managing to convey the annoying aristocratic look that he usually did. It was haughty and honestly she hated more now than ever before. “Fine.”
He didn’t grin as he won, just nodded his head and led her past all the partiers and towards the portrait hole, she followed behind him with a glare, finding Lily’s eyes in the crowd and giving her a quick annoyed look – even as her red headed friend gave her an amused smile and turned back to talking with Marlene, and what looked like Amelia Bones, a stern Hufflepuff with a strong jaw and a booming voice, that was most certainly going to go places.
The noise grew quieter as they exited through the tunnel, the Fat Lady closing behind them, eyes watching them and mouth twisting into a grin at whatever gossip she thought she was going to be able to tell Violet.
“So what did you want to talk about?” Hermione asked as she leaned against the wall, turning to face him as he pulled on a loose thread of his jumper. For a second she appreciated his attire, a simple dark jumper that stood out and complimented his silver eyes, but it was a far cry from his usual attire of Muggle band tops and leather jackets. “Sirius…”
Her words died in her throat as he furrowed his brow and tensed his jaw. “Are you really trying to avoid what you said on Monday?”
“Are you really trying to bring back an old fight that should just be taken as something that was said in the heat of anger?” Hermione snapped before taking a deep breath through her nose and trying to push back the brittle annoyance that filled her. “I shouldn’t have said it, I had no right but -”
“No, you didn’t.” Sirius muttered softly, shaking his head as his eyes narrowed on her and his mouth curved in a wry smile. “You’ve got no right judging me when the way you’re dealing with shit is just as worse.” It hit her slightly harder than it should have, and for a moment she thought of how he must have felt.
Her words on Monday had been nothing but the heat of the moment, she hadn’t expected him to take them so to heart. A scoff left her mouth as she tilted her head to the side. “I didn’t know we had made this into a competition.”
“And I didn’t know that we had drifted so far apart that being worried about someone warranted the shit you said.” But they had, and they hadn’t.
They were stuck on a ledge it seemed, teetering back and forth between friends, something more or barely civil and one day all it would take would be one of them pushing too far in this relationship between them to end it all.
It made Hermione’s stomach twist and her eyes sting. She didn’t want to loose him, not when she had done so much to make sure he was back where he belonged, with her family, safe and sound.
“..but I’ll be sure to make a note for myself in the future; Dear Sirius, Hermione is a hypocrite and can’t admit when she is in the wrong...also p.s make sure to show no concern unless you want to feel like shit.” Sirius was speaking, pretending to write on parchment as she tuned back in with an icy glare.
“Are you done?”
“Almost...yours always, Sirius.”
“Your so dramatic – what I said was nothing more than – than something that was said in a moment of anger.” Hermione hissed out, her arms flinging in the air as Sirius regarded her with a cool exterior that only served to annoy her more.
“Worst apology ever, by the way.” His words twisted around her, as her teeth bared and her anger began to flare again. What did he get from pushing this? What did he actually want from her?
“I’m not apologising for what I said, Sirius, I meant it – but I should have chosen a better time and less anger when I said it, so I am sorry for that.” Like a beast she tried to contain her anger in its own cage, tried to see past it in the face of the man before her.
It was hard, and she didn’t need or want this any more. She wanted to turn on her heel and march back into her party, down some more shots and continue with her night but she felt routed to the spot by his cold glare. “You know what your problem is, Mi’?”
“That a simple apology never seems to be enough?”
“You think you know better with everything, and when you’re hurt, you spend months icing people out even when they apologise -”
“Sirius -”
“ - yet you can’t see past your own problems, your own way of dealing or even understand that other people have things going on.” Each word hit her like a slap as he took a couple of steps further and sneered at her. “It’s your way or it’s stupid.” He’s hurt – he’s lying because you hurt him. The voice in her head whispered.
“I don’t think that.” Hermione whispered, more to herself than anyone before squaring her shoulders. “And I get it, you’re angry at me because of what I said but do you really think I was out of line or is it that you want me to fawn over you and clean up your mess?” The words were pouring from her mouth before she could stop them, before she could even think about what she was saying. “Because I’m not doing it any more…”
“I never asked you to do it in the first place, and I’m not asking you to do it now – that’s not even the point -” A growl far too similar to Padfoot’s left his mouth as he ran a hand through his beautiful waves. “Merlin, why do you have to make this so hard?” There was something else in his voice…
Something else in his eyes that made her think he wasn’t just talking about what she had said and how it hurt, and her throat suddenly seemed to dry as she looked up at him, the thread of the argument seeming to slip through her fingers and lay forgotten on the floor between them.
He seemed so much closer than before, barely a foot away from her, so close that she could see every line on his face, the way his dark lashes fanned over those silver eyes as he stared down at her, the faint stubble and a slight scar on his lip.
“I’m sorry for how I handled the other day.” The words were faint and they tasted slightly bittersweet on her tongue as she continued to stare up at him, the anger seeming to melt as he gave her a quick half smile.
“I should have known it wasn’t the best time to say anything, considering Stebbins nose.” Hermione let out a small chuckle as he smirked down at her, reaching forward to gently touch the necklace she still war. “I’m sorry for ruining your night.” Her smile fell as she looked up at him, his hand reaching out to brush away a curl.
“You didn’t...we should have spoke about this earlier.” He was closer now, and she was half tempted to pull his down and see if his lips were still as soft as last year or wrap him in a hug in hopes that the endless sadness in his eyes would go away. “I just want us to be ok.”
“We are.” His words were tight and he seemed to be searching for something as he took another step, leaning down.
Disappointment and relief flooded her as he pulled her into his arms, resting his head on top of her own, hands overlapping on her lower back. It was oddly reminiscent of the night he got back home, where they laid tearfully in his bed, wrapped in each others embraces like it helped.
And maybe it did. He too was struggling, too many memories and problems on his plate – lashing out and looking for something that he could cling to. And she had been a shit friend for not offering a shoulder in his moment, like everyone had been doing for her.
“Oh...er...sorry.” The hug broke, but their hands still lingered, her own resting on his shoulders and his resting on her hips as they turned to look at Lily as she stood there looking between them with an amused smile on her face.
…
“So, are we going to talk about what I saw or are we just going to keep abusing my Prefect privileges?” Lily asked as they walked the fourth floor, moving to stand in a small corridor, like it wasn’t almost midnight, and they wouldn’t get detention if they were seen.
It had been Hermione’s idea, a break from everything and the swirling emotions inside her that didn’t seem to calm even as the cool air washed over them and Lily gave her a knowing look.
“We were just hugging.” Hermione answered with a frown as she leaned against one of the walls, turning her head to look around the corner. It was empty apart from the mirror and portraits, none of which seemed to care about the two witches even as Lily scoffed. “We had a talk about something that happened.”
“About what you said to him on Monday?” Lily asked suddenly, leaning against the opposite wall as Hermione frowned at her.
“He told you about that?”
“I know you might find it hard to believe but we do actually talk now and again...you might even say we are friends.” She whispered like it was a conspiracy, grinning at Hermione who simply narrowed her eyes and shook her head. “He was upset, I was there – that’s all it was.” Lily added, a sad smile on her face.
“I handled it poorly, I know that, but I...it wasn’t like no one else hadn’t said anything.” It was a weak defence and one she hated. How many of her friends had tried to speak with her, saying the same thing over and over again like it made a difference.
Lily nodded her head in agreement. “I think it was because it’s you.” It was Hermione’s turn to scoff now but Lily carried on like she didn’t hear her. “Someone who’s struggling themselves, who should probably understand what it’s like and instead it was thrown in his face...and also because he cares about you.” Hermione rolled her eyes and leaned against the wall.
She didn’t say anything, letting the words roll around in her head and the guilt twist inside her. She had reacted poorly instead of seeing a friend, had made him feel bad about dealing with something that no one else could probably understand.
Sixteen years old and having to escape a cruel abusive family – plagued by nightmares and unfair choices – doing whatever he could to forget everything that still haunted his brain and she had been just as cruel. Not that she agreed with his choices, but it wasn’t her decision to make.
“Fuck.”
“Listen, Sirius is an idiot, we all know that – I mean who pulls out a flask during dinner.” Lily began with a small scoff as Hermione nodded her own head. “But he’s trying to move on, I mean I haven’t even seen him with a girl since last year – and Remus says he hasn’t either, and from I saw tonight, he barely even drank – so maybe just don’t hold what you hear against him, you can understand that much.” Emerald eyes met her own and Hermione frowned.
It was weird, especially after last year, to hear Lily defend Sirius. To speak about him with a slight hint of protectiveness, not as much as she had when defending Remus or Hermione or even Marlene, but it was there – loud and clear for anyone to hear.
Lily and Sirius were friends.
Hermione held back her confusion and the abundance of questions that sprang to her brain about how it had even happened and instead focused on the other thing Lily had said, trying to keep the amusement out of her voice. “So he’s what...celibate now?”
Lily let out a soft laugh and shook her head, leaning towards Hermione and whispering her next words. “I wouldn’t go that far – apparently he, his hand and their shower are getting on rather nicely.”
A small laugh bubbled out of her own throat, and something opened in her chest. It felt good to stand here, to gossip about friends and laugh for once. It had seemed so long since she had last let herself do that, it was almost peaceful in a way.
“Be quiet.” A voice hissed, cutting off their fun as Lily turned to look at her.
“Come here!” Hermione snapped, reaching out to grab Lily and pull her towards her, her wand out and tapping their heads before she could even think or understand what she was doing, but for how quiet the fourth floor normally was, she wasn’t going to risk being caught by whoever had seemingly appeared from nowhere.
Lily moved beside her at the sound of footsteps, disillusioned and nothing more than a blur, as Hermione risked a peek, a frown on her face as she watched as Snape and Regulus stood before the mirror, the glass shaking slightly as it shut behind them.
For a second she wondered if James and Sirius knew about this passageway and where it led to, something told her they did, and her brain itched in some kind of recognition that she tried to push away, to instead focus on the boys before her.
“Sev -”
“You’re stupid if you think this wouldn’t happen.” Snape snapped at Regulus.
“I didn’t think this is what I would be asked.”
“You should have known.” Snape snapped a touch too loudly, his voice lowering as he continued. “You should have known that he would see your position – that he would use it as a way to test your loyalty.” A frown made it’s way to her face as Regulus let out something that sounded like a scoff.
“And would you do it if the shoe was on the other foot?” Regulus snapped back, his voice slightly louder than it should have been. “I signed up because I believe we, as Wizards, deserve better, not because I want to play some sick game with...with my...” His voice trailed off, sad and so much like a child’s.
“You made a choice – you don’t get to remain in between, and as far as I can see it, they all deserve it.” A hand gripped hers as Snape hissed out the words, his footsteps seeming to echo around them.
“A few cruel jokes back and forth and suddenly your wishing for their death – I thought you were better than that, Snape.” Regulus’ voice turned cold and Snape let out a scoff. “None of them deserve this, and you know that.” Hermione held her breath as she risked peeking her head around the corner, watching the two boys.
“Is that what you are going to try and bring up to the Dark Lord at the next meeting?” She could almost see Snape’s sneer from her, his mocking tone only adding insult to injury. “Some kind of unity – you’re pathetic...you should have ran away with that blood traitor...saved yourself the hassle.” He turned, cloak flying around him dramatically as he stormed away, towards the stairs, leaving Regulus to stare after him.
Hermione didn’t allow herself a second thought as she stepped out from behind the wall, lifting the spell above her, and doing the same with Lily, the pair of them staring as Regulus raised his head and turned to look at them.
“Out for a midnight stroll, cousin?”