Bittersweet Byes
You must be strong enough to know that love will come to you when you are ready. You must be strong enough to know when to say goodbye, and know that letting go is not weak. - Marisa Donnelly
Friday the 18th of June 1976
“Get off my shoulder.”
“I’m tired.”
“Then go back upstairs.”
“The train is two hours...I’ll sleep then but for now -”
“Remus!” Marlene snapped after a few seconds, pushing the boy off her shoulder as she stabbed a fork into her breakfast. His head lolled to the side, falling onto Sirius’ shoulder, who looked down for a second before continuing eating.
“Do you think she’s worried someone will see?” Lily whispered to Hermione, the pair of them chuckling as their eyes move to look towards the Slytherin table in search of the bright blue eyed culprit who might be watching.
“Oh definitely.” Hermione whispered back, ignoring the sharp glare Marlene sent her way.
“What are you two whispering about?” A small smile made it’s way to her face as James sat himself down on the other side of her, waving at some of the Seventh years who are making the most of their last couple of hours at Hogwarts by shoving their faces full of food.
“Nothing – they are being stupid and trying to make something out of nothing.” Marlene answered before Lily or Hermione could say anything.
Not that Hermione would, she knew this is a sensitive topic, one that has only being brought up twice and brushed off eagerly – or has ended with Marlene making sure Zach distracts Hermione so she can leave and avoid all questions.
Something that has worked as the couple had tried to make the most of their own last days at Hogwarts – checking places of their lists and spending more time with their lips attached than was probably healthy.
Lily though didn’t seem to have the same experience as she smirked at Marlene and began speaking. “Let me ask you boys something – when you stare at a girl is it because you fancy her or because -”
“Normally fancy.”
“You’re planning to murder them?”
“Could be lost in your thoughts.”
The girls stared at the boys with frowns, mainly James and Remus who didn’t look any more put out by their own suggestions, their heads only turning as Sirius let out a cough and carried on speaking. “But mainly you’re trying to imagine what they might be like in -”
“And I think you’ve proved our point, thank you Black.” Lily cut him off before he could continue, her voice not as harsh as it had been a few days ago and the tension lessening everyday between the group.
“Anytime, Evans.” Black answered with a salute, going back to his food without another comment.
“So someone’s been staring at Marlene? Who is it?” Hermione couldn’t help but laugh as her brother practically bounced in his seat, leaning forward like Marlene was going to spill the gossip he was clearly so desperate for.
Only to be met with a harsh glare and a short snappish answer. “No one!”
“It’s not no one...it’s someone and Marlene has been staring back!” Lily added, leaning around Hermione with her own grin as James turns to face her, a gasp leaving his lips and his hand moving to rest over his chest.
“No!”
“You are all idiots.” Remus muttered under his breath, straightening his head and holding it with both hands. One would think that a week from the moon would mean he would be better, but the first moon with Sirius again, plus long nights of studying had gotten to him.
“So why haven’t you gone after him?” Sirius asked suddenly, a frown on his face as the girls and James turned to look at him. A small laugh left his mouth as he spoke around his food. “I mean...you’ve never had a problem with that before.” It was true, Marlene often went after who she wanted at that moment, or they came after her.
“Because it’s nothing...and may I remind you all that my parents are trying to marry me off which means if I liked anyone then I couldn’t do something if I wanted to – which I don’t.” Marlene snapped, her cheeks turning red and a groan leaving her mouth.
“So you do like him?” James asked, eyebrows raising and his posture stiffening. His head turned to look up and down the Gryffindor table, like he could spot the person with merely a look.
“It’s like Romeo and Juliet.” Lily sighed, a hand on her heart as the boys turned to look at her bemused, only Hermione laughed slightly.
“Don’t they both die?” Remus asked, picking up his cup of tea and taking a sip.
“I meant the whole star-crossed lovers thing.” Lily explained, a dreamy look to her eyes.
Hermione could see it now – the fighting houses, two people who shouldn’t be together but wanted to be...it would be kind of cute and surprising to see. Not that it would ever be able to come to that, if they wanted it to. Regulus was heading one way and Marlene another.
“Who is it?” Sirius asked suddenly, like James looking around though his eyes drifted to the other tables, scanning every face, seeming to understand that it wasn’t some Gryffindor.
“No one...can we just leave it, please?” Marlene asked, icy eyes flicking away from where bright blue were no looking their way. Her head fell into her hands and her cheeks turned even pinker, everyone falling silent as they watched her.
Hermione couldn’t say for sure that Marlene even liked Regulus, she was curious, that much was sure. Whatever they had spoke about had been enough to have the pair of them sending looks and all but seeking each other out.
“Hey.” A smile made it’s way to her face as she turned to see Zach stood behind her, pulling his hat off his head and smiling tensely as she pushed James away to make room for him.
“Hi! Happy graduation!”
“Thanks.” His laugh is short and slightly awkward as he eyes the space and blew out a breath that had Hermione frowning and James’ chewing stop. “Do you mind if – could we go somewhere to chat?” Someone around her let out a sigh, Lily’s hand rubbed across her back and Hermione opened her mouth to speak but no sound comes out.
She had known this was coming – had dreaded it, but had seen it a mile away. A part of her wanted to ignore him, shake her head and pretend it wasn’t happening, but she was a Gryffindor for a reason. Instead she smiled, brushing off her skirt and stood up. “Sure.”
…
The sun shone bright over the courtyard, despite the heaviness that seemed to linger between them, the truth settling on them like a wet cloak.
Hermione let out a sigh as she sat on one of the stone walls, eyes trailing over the groups of laughing students while Zach sat beside her. For a second she wished she was one of those, a student with no worries other than what next year would bring or if she got the internship she wanted. No drama, no secrets – no goodbyes.
She was tired of goodbyes.
A lone tear slipped down her face, her eyes closing as Zach reached out to hold her hand, his larger fingers twisting with her own. “Please don’t cry.” His voice was warm, despite the sadness that tinged it.
“I knew this was coming but it still sucks.”
Zach let out a watery laugh, his hand slipping from hers so that his arm could slide around her shoulder, heavy and pressing her down but comforting nonetheless. “It fucking sucks.” A laugh followed by a quick sniff. “I wish it didn’t have to be this way.”
Someone else, someone who wasn’t her, might have begged, pleaded for it not to end – not when it was going so good and they were happy. But that wasn’t Hermione, it wasn’t Zach.
This relationship had started with both of them knowing what was coming, what had already existed before them, despite the fact that neither of them had said anything. They had enjoyed what time they could and made the most out of it, and Hermione would treasure it for the rest of her life.
“So do I but I’m not angry.” Hermione whispered back, smiling softly as she looked into those kind warm brown eyes, reaching across his lap to grip his free hand and hold it. “I’m grateful.” His eyes turned wider and she gave him a weak grin. “Thank you for...thank you for being you.” There was so much she wanted to say and not enough time – not enough words to express what he had done for her.
Zach stared back, bringing up their joint hands to press a kiss to the back of her hand, a soft smile making it’s way onto his face. “You deserve the best, Hermione, don’t ever doubt that for a second.” His hand dropped to her lap, his other hand pulling her in closer as another tear fell.
“I’m going to miss you.” Her arms wrapped around his waist as she settled her face against his chest, the familiar warm smell flooding her senses and doing nothing to calm her down nor stop the tears from soaking the fabric below her cheek.
Yet for once she didn’t care. Didn’t care if anyone saw her, if it got spread around the castle by the end of the day – she was saying goodbye to someone who meant more than she had ever thought they would and it fucking sucked.
Zach let out another small chuckle as he held onto her just as tight, light drops hitting the top of her head. “I’ll miss you too.” He pulled away for a second, using his hands to wipe over her face. “But just because this is…” His words cut off and his mouth tensed before he smiled again. “This doesn’t mean that I don’t want you in my life – in any capacity I can get because...”
Hermione felt her eyes water again as she shakily nodded her head and tried to smile. “I’d rather have you in my life as a friend than nothing at all.” His eyes met hers as she tried to smile once again but the tears spilt over the edge.
“Yeah.”
“You’re a good man, Zachary Townsend, and whoever you end up with is going to be the luckiest person in the world.” She meant it, meant every single word.
“I could say the same to you, Hermione Potter – though I do ask that you wait until he deserves you before you take that leap.” She didn’t have to ask who he wass talking about, and she didn’t have to worry that he thought something had been happening as he gave her a smile and tapped her cheek. “Otherwise I will come and kick his arse.”
“Visa versa.” Hermione answered with shaky grin. “You know I like my friends to write to me at least once every two weeks.” She’s teasing and hoping at the same time, but Zach just grinned and bumped his shoulder against her own.
“Oh?”
“And make sure they come to the first Hogsmeade visit they can once their internship lets them.” She added as he let out a laugh and let his eyes flicker over her face, like he was taking in everything he could between them.
“And what if he can’t but he can come on another day what is the other friend going to do?” Bright teeth gleam behind pink lips and Hermione laughed, leaning into him once again and fighting off the tears that threaten to spill.
“Let her worry about that, I’m sure she knows of a couple of ways out of the castle for such occasions.” She doesn’t mention that James has an invisibility cloak that she can steal.
“Then you’ve got yourself a deal.” He agreed as Hermione smiled, but the tears fall and his own smile turns sad as he opens his arms once again. “Come here.” He pulled her into them as Hermione let out a small sob, feeling a kiss to the top of her head.
“Hey Zach...erm...sorry but they’re getting the boats ready.” His friend stands there awkwardly, a tense smile on his face as he raises his hand to wave at Hermione.
“I’ll be there in a minute.” Zach spoke hoarsely, his friend doesn’t seem to need another minute before he’s taking off and leaving them there in the now empty courtyard with their own miserable situation and sadness.
Warm eyes look to her, his mouth opening to speak as Hermione’s gut clenches and she reaches out for his hand. “I’ll walk down with you.”
He doesn’t fight it, in fact he seems relieved – like the few minutes of walking together, of embracing the last part of their relationship will be easier than saying goodbye now. Hermione doesn’t bring it up, not as they walk down the path, hand clasped tightly and a million words rolling around in her head and threatening to break loose.
Another tear rolls down her cheek as they stop a few feet away from the small boats, the ones they had come to this school in, now barely big enough to fit two seventh years, let alone how many were stood around waiting.
Zach’s arms wrap around her waist, all but pulling her off the floor but making her close enough to press a kiss against his cheek and pull back to see his smile as he sets her on the ground.
“Look after yourself and remember to write.”
“At least one letter every two weeks.” He mumbled back in agreement, leaning down to place a kiss on her forehead and rub his hand down her arm. “Take care of yourself, Hermione.”
Hermione opens her mouth to agree, to say the same thing but no words come out, nothing more than a halfway point between a croak and a sob. Zach seems to understand as he nods his own head, runs his finger down the side of her face and turns away, towards his friends and away from her.
She doesn’t expect him to look back as he climbs into the boat, the water rocking around the wood, but he does and she can’t help but smile, even as he drifts away from her.
The decision settles in her stomach – a mixture of sadness and relief, sending chills down her spine and tears to her eyes.
…
“Where are you going?” Hermione stopped, turning her head to see Sirius stood beside the door to the train, arms crossed and body leaning against the wood. He had opened the small window and seemed to be having a cigarette.
His silver eyes seemed to be tracking her, though they lacked the warmth they usually did, instead framed by redness and dark circles under his eyes. Her head turned back to where her compartment was before she sighed and took a step forward with a small smile.
“I was in the bathroom, and I was just about to head back to the compartment but…”
“Don’t like the thought of being smothered to death?” He asked, half amused with a raised eyebrow as Hermione let out a chuckle.
“Honestly, no.” Hermione answered, leaning on the wall against him and resting her head to look at his. Most of his baby fat was starting to disappear, his cheekbones looking sharper with every passing day and the stubble on his chin becoming more pronounced. “I’m surprised James hasn’t come looking for me.” Hermione spoke, head turned towards the compartment as Sirius snorted.
For the first time in a while, it felt normal to be stood beside him. Like all the shit hadn’t happened and they were just two friends talking – she had missed him more than she wanted to admit.
“So why are you out here?”
“Needed some fresh air.” Was his answer, silver eyes looking away from her and back out of the window. The countryside becoming less and less as they got closer to London, and the sounds of students preparing to leave could be heard.
Hermione frowned, and nudged her arm against his. “Listen, I know things have been awkward lately, between us and other people, but we live together and -”
Her voice drifted to a whisper as Sirius turned to look at her, a kinder smile than normal on his face and a lingering air of sadness that made her throat want to close up. “I’m going home.”
Fear were a funny thing, you didn’t know you had them until you were face to face with them. Hermione hadn’t known that Sirius saying those words would make her blood run cold and her whole body tense with fear. “What?”
“Walburga wrote me a letter last month and -”
“So what?” Hermione asked, finding her voice and cutting him off as her vision started to blur. “No – no, you’re not going – and you don’t have to punish yourself.” Her words sounded harsh as she hissed them at him, moving to stand before him.
“It’s not -”
“My parents will protect you – I will protect you.”
“As talented as you are, I doubt a sixteen year old girl could do much.” Hermione frowned, opening her mouth to say she was more prepared and able than anyone else. “And I’m not putting your parents in that situation – not when all it takes is a claim that I’ve been kidnapped.” Her eyes snapped shut and her head began to shake.
“They wouldn’t – we could fight that – at least for a few more months until you are seventeen.” Hermione pleaded with his, reaching out to grab him hand and feeling the warm skin below, a few scratches on the knuckles and roughness on the palms.
“Stop trying to fix this.” He pleaded back, silver eyes meeting hers to trace the tear that slid from the corner. Merlin, she had cried so much today.
“No!” Hermione pulled back, furiously wiping away her tears, gulping as she carried on speaking. “This is not something I’m going to just agree with – I told you at Christmas what they would expect and -”
“And you were right – and it was a mistake for me to not go home then.” Sirius whispered back to her, hitting her with a verbal slap to the face that sent her reeling backwards and frowning at him.
“What?” Her voice wavered. “It wasn’t a mistake.”
“It was...one I was happy to make but...shit...I’ve made so many mistakes this year, towards everyone, but mainly you and Remus – and I owe you both so much, but I have my own family -”
“We are your family.”
“Yeah you are, but so is Regulus and you were right – I tried to call you out on it, tried to put you in my shoes but you and James are different, I don’t think there isn’t anything in the world you wouldn’t do for each other.” He wasn’t wrong, and he knew it with the soft smile he gave her. Her and James would run to the ends of the world for each other.
“The situation is different.” It was a weak protest and one she hadn’t wanted to make. Regulus didn’t deserve to be thrown in the deep end if she could keep Sirius from it, but he had already agreed to it
“But now it’s my turn – I have a little brother to protect, and I haven’t been doing a good job.” Once she would have cheered, told him how proud she was that he had realised that, but now it just made her heart sink lower.
“That is no reason to go home.” To leave her, to have her worrying – to wonder if this might be the last time she saw him. She had no way to prevent this. No way to keep Sirius safe like she had promised herself.
“It’s every reason and you know it.”
“Not if you end up dead – Regulus doesn’t want that – I don’t want that!”
“Well unfortunately for the both of you, you don’t get to decide.” Sirius answered back, his tongue running over his lip as he quickly looked out of the window .“And it’s not like I haven’t got a plan in case things go for bad to worse.” Hermione frowned, her mouth opening as she watched him reach for his trunk and bag.
She hadn’t even noticed he had them here instead of with everyone elses – he had been prepared to leave. To walk away from their friends who sat a few compartments away, he hadn’t even wanted to say goodbye.
The train pulled to a stop, the whistle blowing and the doors opening as it finally registered what he had said. “A plan? Sirius -”
“I know but I just need you to trust me.” His silver eyes lingered on her own for a second, looking down to her lips and then back to her eyes. His wand moved, shrinking his trunk so he could put it into his pocket and then he was turning.
“Trust you? You want me to -” Her words cut off as he stepped off the train, students following after him and separating them. Hermione pushed forward, hoping her friends had the sense to grav her things as she chased after the boy. “Sirius!”
If he heard then he didn’t stop, nor look back, his shoulders tense. Students watched as she pushed her way through the crowd, catching sight of a pair of warm brown eyes that nearly made her stop and say bye one last time, but Sirius…
He needed her now and she wasn’t going to let him go without a fight. Her hand reached for his wrist, pulling him back into a stop as he half turned towards her.
Pushing through the crowds of people, she follows after him, reaching for his arm to stop him.
“Hermione…”
“There is no plan that is going to get you out of this.” Hermione hissed, pulling herself closer and in front of him, their toes practically touching. His hands reached out to steady her as students bumped past, faltering her for a second before she continued. “Just turn around and…”
“What is going on here?” Both heads turned to see Regulus looking at them, a mixture between amused and concerned – Hermione could see why, they were stood far too close and intimately, yet frowns remained on their faces.
“Your brother is about to become a martyr.” Hermione supplied, looking back into those silver eyes. They didn’t twinkle like usual, didn’t offer any amusement or even lust at the situation but remained as hard as the stone they stood on.
“Sirius – no – what the fuck are you doing?”
“Saving your arse little brother – you can thank me later.”
“How about I thank you now for going with Hermione and saving us all the hassle?” Regulus hissed, moving to stand next to them. “I know you think you’re doing the right thing but -”
“Reg, I’ve been shit, I know that but I’m not letting you walk into this alone.” Sirius turned to look at Regulus, his hands still on Hermione’s hips like he wasn’t even thinking about it, a small smile on his face as Regulus gulped.
“And I’m not letting you do this for me.” Regulus hissed back, eyes slightly watery, he quickly shifted to look at Hermione who looked back just as lost. This wasn’t the plan.
“Seems you don’t have a choice…Walburga, Orion – how fairs thee these days?” Sirius spoke suddenly, letting go of Hermione and putting some space between them.
Hermione turned slowly, staring up at the Black’s, their eyes cold and their postures rigid. They hadn’t changed too much, maybe some slight greys in their hair, but everything else remained her of a youth she had wanted to forget about.
“Sirius. We are pleased to see that you have come to your senses – and is Miss Potter joining us?” Walburga hissed out, less shouty than her hostile painting had ever been but the crazy eyes just the same as she lingered on Hermione, her hand all but reaching out to grab the girl.
“No!” Sirius shouted, his parents turning to look at him as he took a step before Hermione, all but pushing her back into Regulus. “No, she was just saying goodbye.” A small laugh and a relaxed posture that had Hermione glaring at the back of his head.
“Shame...how nice it would be to have the girl embracing her true family.”
“I think I would rather light myself on fire.” Hermione quipped back, her glare turning to focus on Orion and his sharp features, that his sons had.
“Why you -”
“Mother – leave her be – she does not know what she is talking about, right Hermione?” Sirius snapped, turning his head slightly to look at her as Walburga seethed and Orion sneered at her. Her stomach turned and her eyes snapped away – for a second she could see Octans in both these adults.
“Right.” She whispered, a hand moving to grip the back of Sirius’ Pink Floyd shirt as though she could hold him there with her.
“We better get going, it seems we are attracting some attention.” His hand moved behind, unclenching her hand, squeezing the pale fingers quickly and then resting at his side.
“Or perhaps -”
“No your brother is right, Regulus, we shall be on our way.” Walburga snapped, one last look towards Hermione as she and Orion turned, their old fashioned clothes standing out as she inclined her head towards her sons. “Come along now.”
“Sirius, please.” Hermione begged as he turned around one last time, her hands reaching for him but every part of him seemed to be out of reach.
Silver eyes flashed beautifully before her, a hand coming up to stroke her cheek softly. “I’ll see you later – take care.” She expected a quick hug, but instead he leaned down, placing a gentle kiss at the corner of her lips, leaving her distracted enough for him to walk away.
“Regulus -”
“I’ll write to you soon – we’ll get him out Hermione.” Regulus whispered to her as she turned to face him, his hand moving to rest on her arm with a soft smile.
“Regulus!” Walburga shouted in the distance, Regulus tensing for a moment before he smiled again.
“Coming...I promise.”
Hermione watched him go, chasing after the brother who was trying his best not to look back and parents who walked looking down at everyone else. Her throat clenched as they blinked out of view, a last glance at silver eyes and a confident smile.
No one else seemed to care, families and students weaving around her without a second glance. To emersed in their joy to see as the walls she had so carefully built began to crack for the second time today, and the wave of tears hit her cheeks before she could even stop them.
She was supposed to change things.
Hermione Granger had been sent back to change the future and so far all she had done was get rid of Peter, but now Sirius was with his family – and she couldn’t predict how it would go.
Once she had heard him mention to Harry that he ran away, came to the Potter’s, but that was before when he thought his brother hated him, when he didn’t have a choice. Now he was choosing to go back, to leave her with the worry that he could end up getting killed, marked or get out – and the last option was looking less than likely.
A pair of arms circled around her, the smell of brooms and something comforting, meant that she didn’t have to turn around to see who it was, not even as the soft voice whispered in her ear, words nothing more than a simple buzzing she couldn’t understand.
“We need to get him back.” Hermione hissed, finally turning around to see James as he frowned at her. Her own eyes flickered to where her parents, her friends and their parents all waited. Marlene basically fighting with her family and pointing to Hermione. No doubt they wanted to hear what happened before they went home.
“And we will.” James whispered back, turning his head to quickly look over his shoulder before looking back with a steely gaze. “Whatever it takes – we’ll get him back home.”