A Vessel Formed

Pine burned in the fireplace, crackling as it split to reveal bright red and yellow embers. Severus sat unseeing in front of it, mind rolling the details of the wood over in his mind to pull his thoughts away from his body and the child asleep across his legs.

In comparison with hardwoods, pine was a poor addition to most fireplaces. It did not give off much heat and it smoldered to ash quickly. It was a costly wood, so much more of it was needed to be of use. It was far more effort than it was worth. The sap inside caused its smoke to be sticky, to cling to the inside of chimneys, causing a build up of particulates— a grime known as creosote that increased the risk of chimney fires. Burning pine invited misfortune.

Severus’ hands lingered in Harry’s hair, stroking through the strands.

The boy too invited misfortune, whether Severus wanted to admit it or not. Having him here, near to him in any way, meant Severus would suffer in the end.

If he had left the boy next to Lily’s body what would have happened?

He frowned. The pine was in the fireplace, as it were. The creosote was building. It was only a matter of time before the building burned down, him inside.

What then?

What would Severus do when the reality of having stolen Harry fully sunk in? He knew now, with cold certainty, that Harry would leave. He claimed not to be Merlin - but Severus knew better. If he had had the strength to leave in his last life then surely he would leave again. It was a matter of time.

The smoke built up, the sap clung to the chimney, the world caught fire.

Severus had already made his decision.

Harry had cried in his arms and fallen asleep and Severus had known.

His hearth needed clearing, cleaning. Nothing could burn safely with such ash clinging about. Sometimes you just had to admit you were wrong. Sometimes it was better to start over, sweep away what mess you could and move on.

And maybe that was better. Without him, Harry could live up to his potential, attend Hogwarts, and maybe that was what Merlin had wanted, the opportunity to grow on his own.

“I love you.”

Severus meant it. That was the worst part.

They returned to the edges of the Malfoy manor wards later that evening. Severus’ head felt full of cotton. He had made his decision and yet his mind wouldn’t quite let him feel it, understand it, or experience it first hand. It shouldn’t have been that hard- he was used to taking preventative measures.

He was a defensive player, most Slytherins were in all honesty, going on the offensive only when absolutely necessary. Proactive was better than reactive, staying coiled and observant was preferred.

Making his move now would save worse moves down the line from occurring, and would guard the beast in his chest.

Love was a painful thing. Severus knew that - and he also knew band aids were best ripped off rather than pulled away slowly.

Lupin was sat, agitated, enraged, volatile, in the dining room. Breakfast had not been cleared away, despite it being well into the afternoon by now. He snarled at Severus the moment he and Harry stepped into the room. He opened his mouth, likely to hurl insults, but upon seeing how Harry cowered behind Severus’ leg, his jaw clicked shut.

“Harry,” Severus said, voice hollow, distant, “This is Remus Lupin, a friend of your godfather’s.” Narcissa and Lucius had briefed him fully on the situation when he had appeared on the property line. Lupin had shown up, upset of course, to check in on Sirius. Harry had elected to face him, a decision Severus despised, but it didn’t matter anymore.

The werewolf's eyes stayed locked on Severus’ own for a long while, before he glanced down at Harry and then stood to introduce himself, or attempted to.

“Don’t move,” Harry said, fear leaking around a hard bravado. Severus hated the sound of it. A child should not sound like that— despite what was about to happen his heart wrenched.

“I—” Lupin began, caught flat footed. “Harry, I, Sirius and I have been looking for you.

“I know,” Harry said and Severus wondered how much he knew, how much information Narcissa had given him in the days he had been comatose. And beyond that how much did Harry know from when he’d taken Sirius’ mind from him? Had he seen any of the man’s memories? Such complex mind magic often resulted in leak overs, brief glimpses into the target’s life. Severus was in the dark. “I want you to stop.”

Lupin’s mouth twisted into a cruel line, gaze ripping back to Severus’ own, “you’ve poisoned him against us, his family.”

Severus did not deny it.

“Stop,” Harry said and to Severus’ surprise, Remus did.

“I want to be left alone.”

“Harry- please,” Lupin expression sunk into pain, “Snape stole you from us. He stole you and hid you from your family after your parents died. We just want the best for you. We want you to come home.”

Harry was quiet for a long while and Severus wondered if this wouldn’t be hard after all, if Harry would go ahead and rip the bandaid off for him.

“Severus is my home now.”

It cleaved him in two.

“Harry don’t, don’t say that,” Remus said and for once Severus wanted to echo his sentiment. He was too weak now to hear such things.

“Severus raised me, took care of me. He’s my family.”

Salazar what a horrible thing to say, what a rib crushing sentiment. Severus had had enough of it.

“He will go with you, Lupin,” He began and Harry choked on the air in his windpipe. Lupin wasn’t any better. “I will hand him over to you and return Black to his usual state. I am aware of what Narcissa had told you, that once Black is fixed he will be returned to you. If this is true I’ve no intention of keeping him from you.”

Harry tugged fiercely at his arm, “What are you doing?” He asked, eyes fearful. The expression made Severus nauseous with guilt.

“What I should have done a long time ago.”

Harry searched his expression, but Severus knew there was nothing there to find. He turned back to Lupin, “Take him.”

After years of fighting against it the words felt wrong, so wrong, on his tongue, but this was for the best.

Harry would leave him eventually. Merlin had left, and so he would leave too, it was natural and Severus wouldn’t be shortsighted. If Harry was going to leave then he should do so now while he still had a chance to live in Wizarding society. He should be raised like the little lord he was, the little heir with his titles. He should be allowed to go to Diagon Alley without a glamor, get a wand and other bits and bobs from the stores. He should be permitted to go to Hogwarts. He should meet with magic children to play more than once in a lie moon.

Severus was a selfish person.

Severus wanted Harry to live a good life. From the very first days with Harry he knew he had robbed the boy. This could rectify that and, as an added bonus, hurt now instead of later. Now when the boy elected to forget him Severus could blame it on him growing up, moving on, being around others, and not whatever shortcomings he must have had back when he was Arthur, shortcomings so glaringly horrendous Merlin had disturbed their reincarnation cycle.

Now it would no longer be Severus’ fault, but a consequence of time. That reality was easier to stomach because surely, surely, as Harry continued to learn about Merlin he would remember why he had abandoned Arthur.

Severus did not want to be abandoned again.

He had shown too much of his soft underbelly to the boy. It was time for the fairytale to end. Over the course of his life he had been slighted numerous times. When had he forgotten to be wary?

Harry was seven now, there was still time to acquaint him more properly with wizarding life. By the time he got to school he’d be a normal boy - save for the mysteries around him.

Severus figured perhaps they could put that aside for now, and maybe for forever. Whatever was at Carrickfergus castle was likely painful, a step by step of why and how Merlin had attempted to unbind their souls and fates. If that was the case then Severus was sure he wasn’t missing out much by turning away, by chosing not to look. Sometimes it was better to be ignorant.

The Mauraders had often said he stuck his nose where it didn’t belong. This time he was tempted to agree. He’d wanted to much, wished too big.

“You—” Lupin looked at him, confused, “After all this you’re just giving him up?”

Severus had no time to care what was running through Lupin’s minds - likely questions about why he had worked so hard to take and hide Harry only to let go of him without a fight. “Yes.”

“Why?”

“It doesn’t matter why.”

“Severus,” Harry fingers tightened around his, but Severus refused to look down. He tugged his hand away. “What do you mean you’re giving me up.”

“You’ll go with Lupin and eventually your godfather.”

His chest felt cold.

“What, Severus no,” Harry voice was moving past confusion and disbelief into panic. “No. I’m staying with you. I live with you in the cottage with Wus and Snow.”

“You’ll take Wus and Snow with you.”

He felt as if he were watching himself from far away, as if he were stood in the hallway beyond the dinning room doors, peaking around the corner to watch the conversation unfold.

“That isn’t—!”

“Lupin, Harry has two familiars, a cat named Wus and a snake named Snow. You should know he’s a parslemouth, although he knows most find it off putting and does not speak to Snow in her language publicly.”

Lupin’s nose crinkled a bit in distaste and Severus wanted to slap the expression off him. How dare this man claim to love Harry and then express, even involuntarily, a dislike of something the boy could not control?

“That might be becuase he’s a distant relative of the Peveral family,” Lupin explained as his expression smoothed and wasn’t that a little mystery answered. Severus hadn’t known why Harry could speak to snakes and had mostly set the question aside over the years. “They were known to have some speakers.”

Severus nodded and continued, “he sleeps at eight every night but Friday and Saturday when he goes to sleep at nine, he likes to wake up around seven. He doesn’t take naps midday anymore, but gets cranky without afternoon tea.”

“Severus I’m not leaving, I’m staying. You said - you said you wouldn’t let anyone take me, why are you—”

Severus’ voice raised a bit, even as his throat burned. “His favorite dinner is roast and rolls. He forgets to clean his glasses so be sure to wipe them off when you can. He likes puzzles so please get some for him.”

“No. No. Severus come on. Let’s go home. Please I want to go home. We can just go, we can forget about this. I want to go home—”

Severus blinked to clear his vision, “He hates socks and shoes. Don’t ask him to wear them unless necessary. He has an excellent eye for potions, I’ll send his Junior potioneer kit with him. He has a few stuffed animals too, I’ll send those as well. He has trouble sleeping without them. His likes chocolate coins and frogs and candy floss. Please remind him to brush his teeth. His hair is unmanageable, so don’t bother trying. He—”

“Severus! Enough! I’m not going! You can’t make me!”

“He likes to climb trees, and rocks, and whatever else he can scale so please keep an eye on him. I’ll send over his books, he’s already good at reading, but don’t let him slack off. He does accidental magic quite a bit, he’s very powerful, please make sure he doesn’t hurt himself. Keep him safe.”

Harry stomped and the room shook and Severus could no longer look away, tearing his gaze from a shocked and confused Lupin who he’d been bombarding with information.

“You can’t make me!” Harry repeated, “You can not make me go with him and not you! Why are you doing this!”

“Because!” Severus shouted back, wanting to tear his own throat out rather than say what he was about to, but it was the only way to make sure Harry left, to get him to go becuase Harry was right, Severus could not physically force him to leave. Harry could break the Malfoy wards and steal Black’s mind. Harry wasn’t going to let himself be pushed around. So Severus needed to make him go willingly. “I don’t want you!”

Harry quieted immediately. His body langugae diminishing, the spark leaving his eyes as he shrank back “What?”

“You heard me. I don’t want you.”

Harry shook his head, whispering, “you can’t, you promised. You promised me.”

“And I thought you promised me last time and look what happened.”

He wasn’t about to talk blatantly about Merlin in front Lupin. He wasn’t that stupid.

“I told you!” Harry’s eyes were full of tears, “I told you that wasn’t me! I’m not him! Is that why you are doing this?”

“Yes.”

He turned from Harry, he didn’t think he could continue to look at him without his emotions getting the better of him. “I don’t want you anymore. I’m done with you. Go live with your family, where you belong. You’re nothing but trouble.

“You —” Harry began, but didn’t finish and Severus could hear the rage in his voice. “You were right! All Death Eaters are bad people! You’re a bad man! A bad wizard!”

Severus bit his tongue until he tasted blood. “I am.”

He left the room and then, very quickly, the estate altogether.

Harry did not follow.

When Severus arrived back at last landing, he couldn’t see straight, couldn’t think. His head pounded and his eyes were warm.

He pulled firewhiskey from a hidden cupboard, meant to keep Harry out as if the boy could not wriggle his way into anything he damn well pleased, Severus’ heart and mind included.

With a tumbler in hand, he set about the task of gathering Harry’s things. As he packed he ignored the tears on his cheeks and tried to be grateful that it was over now. No more worrying, no more running, just him and his empty house.

Partway through the project an owl tapped at his window. It was one of the Malfoys, no other owls were allowed passed his protection. It had no letter attached, but he knew well enough what it wanted. He shrunk his packages down and handed over the miniaturize versions of Harry’s clothes and toys.

By sundown he was done.

He thought, as he sat on the floor, glass forgotten in favor of drinking straight from the bottle, that it was pitifully that Harry’s things had been so quickly packed and sent away. He had cared for the boy for years and yet all of his worldly possessions had taken mere hours to ship off. Severus should have spoiled him more, should have bought him more toys and books and clothes and children’s potion ingredients. He should have been drowning in Harry’s belongings for the rest of his miserable life.

He gave in and let himself cry properly.

Maybe afterwards it would feel as if he had flushed out a wound, drained out the pus and let himself air out. Maybe he could move on after.

He doubted it.

He hated himself.

Severus pressed his face info his rug and passed out.

The next morning, or afternoon if you were going to be particular about it, when Severus dragged himself up off the floor, he felt a shiver go through him, an alert from one of his wards.

Something or someone had gotten through. He patted himself down, finding and grabbing his wand, pushing down the nausea of his hang over. He was in no mood to deal with trespassers, the world wobbling around him. He wasn’t in the best condition to face them either, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t put up one hell of a fight.

Creeeping around the hallway into the kitchen, where he could feel the intruder like a thorn in the side of his magic, he raised his wand, ready to curse whoever had dared push through his protections.

There, so bright it hurt his eyes to lookhis, was a phoenix. The bird preened its feathers, one large, beautiful red and gold wing outstretched.

Severus had never seen one in person. His breath caught in his throat as he lowered his wand. He had known for some time thst his wards could not keep out beasts of a certain magical level. The unicorn he and Harry had seen years ago had been evidence enough of that, but they received the occasional fairy as well from time to time. Some creatures simple held magic beyond the boundaries of what wizards were capable of.

And yet, unlike the unicorn, this phoenix was not wild. Tied to its leg, in lovely red ribbon, was a scroll.

Severus had been sent a message.

He reached out his hand carefully and the phoenix looked up from its task to eye him, searching for Severus knew not what in his demeanor or expression. He had read numerous times that phoenixes were extremely intelligent and excellent judges of character. He could only guess as to what the creature was assertaining about him.

“May I?” He asked and the bird nodded, stretching his leg out towards him. Severus took the scroll with the upmost care, untying the ribbon slowly and with trembling fingers.

Looking over the scroll he found it was closed with the official Hogwarts seal, his breath catching in his throat. What buisness did Hogwarts have contacting him?

He slid his nail under the seal, breaking it gently and unraveling the parchment.

As he read ice and dread filled his stomach.

‘It has come to my attention that you have been contracted with the healing of Sirius Black and I thank you in advance for your skills when it comes to caring for an old friend of mine.

Likewise, I have been informed you returned an item of Black’s to Remus Lupin. We were all delighted to know it was undamaged. Thank you for keeping it in good condition, despite having borrowed it without permission.

I will see you at six pm in my office this evening to finalize the details of this return.

Albus Dumbledore’