White Soul

For most of the people at Hogwarts, Lily Evans is an uptight know-it-all with a holier-than-thou attitude. She is the perfect student for every teacher. She never misses any classes, can answer any question, and always does her homework on time.

Lily is fine with her reputation, firstly because she's proud of her academics, and secondly because very few people's opinions actually matter to her. Only those of her friends, and those of her family.

From the moment she was born, and a small cat magically appeared in a cloud of golden dust on her small chest, all while people with dark robes and weird wooden sticks came into the maternity ward, Lily's parents knew she was special.

For the first eleven years of her life, Lily grew up being entirely pampered at home, and told to keep discreet and avoid drawing attention everywhere else.

At school, she was always the strange girl who took her bag with her everywhere, because that was strange, but having an animal with her wasn't allowed- strangers would've touched him and it would've hurt- and Theo had tried, at the beginning, to stay hidden, quiet under her shirt as a spider or a mouse. He'd done his best to resist the pull, the need to change as soon as a form became uncomfortable. It had hurt, it had hurt so much, but what had made them stop  was that time when Lily's friend had hugged her tightly, out of nowhere and without asking, and had almost squished Theo in the process. Lily had screamed, pushed her to the ground, and immediately started crying in the middle of the schoolyard as her daemon's fear had subsided.

The girl had never spoken to her again. Lily had asked her parents to buy her a school bag that was hard enough to protect Theo, and kept it close to herself all through her school years.

So, Lily was used to not being the most popular.

At home, she was always the most relaxed. Her parents and her sister didn't know how to act with her and Theo at the beginning, but that was alright because they'd never even seen a daemon before, and neither had Lily.

Audrey and Joseph Evans only knew what the strangely dressed people they had met the day their daughter was born had told them. Namely that the animal that had just appeared wasn't a simple kitten, but a daemon, a part of Lily, and that they shouldn't let any stranger touch him. Oh, and also that she would receive a letter to enrol in a magical school when she turned eleven.

They touched Theo, because he was a child too, and sometimes he disobeyed. It didn't bother Lily, because the only things Theo and her felt when that happened were love and sometimes worry. It could be overwhelming anyways, and they had to learn from an early age to just say out loud that Theo didn't want to be touched right now instead of either bursting into tears or biting someone. 

Petunia never tried to touch him, not that she'd ever tried to touch Lily either, that was just how it was.

None of this changed the fact that Lily and Theo were only waiting for one thing. To get her letter. To go to Hogwarts where they could see other daemons like him, and other witches like her. Where she wouldn't be bullied for always keeping her school bag with her.

They didn't have to wait so long for that to happen.

Lily was walking deep in the forest with tears running down her cheeks and without her stupid backpack when Theo had suddenly frozen and, and looked up. The sheer surprise that had came from him had been enough to make her follow his gaze right away.

It was then that she saw the crow for the first time. 

It wouldn't have looked like anything special, if it wasn't for warm feeling Lily got over her skin when she looked, and the dark-haired boy who stood a few feet away.

Severus had a black eye the first time they met him, and more bruises under his clothes, Lily was sure. She never asked him about it, and he never asked her about her puffy red eyes. They were each others' safe place, and they were fine talking about everything good that would happen once their letters finally came, all while Theo and Senica jumped and flew around each others as only daemons could.

The wait seemed shorter now that she and Theo weren't alone anymore, an soon, all four of them got their Hogwarts acceptance letters.

Lily had never felt so happy in her life. She had waited for this moment her entire life, and it was everything she ever imagined and more.

The first time she took the Hogwarts Express was simply magical, and Lily would never forget the feeling she got when, for the first time in their life, it was her who had to run to follow Theo. That's just how exited he was to see so many new daemons.

She thought she wouldn't be the girl with the backpack anymore, and she wasn't. 

Now she was the girl with the dirty blood. 

"Mudblood" they called her.

In this school though, Lily wasn't alone, and she felt braver than she ever did in her previous one. Brave enough to let the anger that has always simmered just beneath the surface show itself. Except it never made her feel better.

" ... Judgmental bitch who gets up in everyone business when she can't even handle her own... want to defend everyone before yourself. . . "

Lily wanted to scream at Black when he told her those words, but they were true, weren't they? That's the thing, everyone is easy to defend compared to herself.

"Are you ok?" She asks when Daisy and her are out of earshot from her classmates. All she gets in answer is a shrug, so Lily adds, "You're pretty quiet today." 

Daisy sigh as she shortly close her eyes. On her shoulder, Sam is busy braiding a strand of her hair. He's a Capuchin Monkey. "it's just, you don't have to continue doing that, you know."

"What, taking you to muggle studies?" Lily enquires curiously.

"Yeah."

It's Lily's turn to shrug. "I want to do it, and it makes you feel safer." 

It's also, coincidentally, the only class Daisy would have to get to alone, since she has Arithmancy right before, and none of her classmates take those two classes. When Marlene asked her, because she herself has Potions at that time, Lily didn't even hesitate. Daisy doesn't seem convinced though, so she opt to change the subject.

"How is Phoebe doing?" The girl that was with Daisy when they were attacked is only a first year, and Lily can't help but pity her. God knows her first year wasn't perfect, but not to that extent.

Daisy shrugs helplessly. "She's scared and upset. All of her friends promised to stay together from now on though so it shouldn't happen to her again."

"That's good." Lily nods with a small smile. God knows people like them have got to stick together, especially right now, with what's going on outside the castle's walls.

"Yeah, and none of us have any classes in the dungeons anyways, so."

Daisy had just been walking in the corridor when she'd seen Phoebe running with tears going down her cheeks. Something about a boy who'd rejected her quite openly, and Daisy had followed her to make sure she was alright because their mums are friends. They'd ended up in the dungeons, where they met Mulciber, Goyle and Avery. 

Their first reflex when seeing a crying child had been to make her cry harder.

Just thinking about it makes Lily want to scream.

"Really though, you don't have to do this." Daisy tell her again, her entire posture screaming just how uncomfortable she is as her daemon just continue to braid her hair, his fingers moving faster the longer they talk. "You probably have homework."

Lily takes a breath. That feeling of shame, that she should've done something, defended herself, that it shouldn't have happened to her in the first place, she knows it. She still feel the need to scream at someone, Black wasn't nearly enough. Honestly, if she hadn't saw him first, if it was Mulciber  "I already did most of it, and honestly, I'm not really in the mood today. Plus, doing something for you will make me feel like I actually deserve it the next time I come to your house and your mum have an amazing cake for me."

This pulls a snort out of Daisy, and she finally relax a bit. "Pretty sure my entire family loves you just for the cakes. It's not for nothing though," She adds with a twinkle in her eyes. "We all know you helped Marlene pull her grades up."

Lily rolls her eyes, a smirk pulling at her lips. "Maybe."

They arrive to the classroom then, and Daisy send one last smile to Lily before she slips inside, muttering a 'thank you' as she does. Lily watch the door for a few seconds after that.

"She'll be fine." Theo tells her, rubbing his furry head against her knee in comfort.

Lily only sigh, worried despite herself. "I know."

She really isn't in the mood for homework right now. So Theo leads the way, and soon, they find themselves outside.

The sun is bright in the sky, but it's still winter, and the temperature isn't all that hot, so Lily takes her wand out to spell a quick heating charm on her uniform as they walk. Even though Kneazles don't originally live in weathers like this, they adapt, and Theo's fur is thick, so Lily leave him alone.

They're not alone outside, a few groups of students are scattered on the grounds, but Lily ignore them and walk toward the lake. There's a large rock there, and she makes sure her skirt stays in place to protect her thighs when she sits on it. Theo quickly jumps onto her lap.

Lily enjoys the fresh air in silence, the only sounds being her own breaths as well as Theo's more discreet ones.

Since her first year, Lily has done nothing but work in her spare time. After all, she is already years behind all of those who grew up knowing precisely what they were, and not only the few things the ministry of magic has deigned to tell their parents the day they were born, before they proceeded to never show up again.

Lily knew nothing of that world at the beginning, knew nothing of herself.

She's a quick learner, though. And she soon learned that the wizarding world was not only indifferent to her, it actively abhorred her. Or, people like her, not her specifically. She wasn't special.

It was okay. In her world, it was women foreigners who were discriminated against. In this world, it was women and muggle-borns. Except Lily didn't think it was okay, and she didn't think it would ever be. So she worked hard, and one day she would prove the world that it shouldn't have mistreated her.

But this dream seems further and further away the more time go on. Wizards and witches have done it before her, and nothing changed. So why should she be any different?

Lily loves her magic, she loves Theo and Mary and Marlene, she loves her books and her teachers, she loves her school and her house. But she finds it harder and harder to love the world they're all part of, each time it rejects her again and again.

She wonders if every muggle-born that came before her felt like she does now.

Lily's thoughts are interrupted when a growl suddenly leaves Theo, anger making itself known at the back of Lily's mind. She quickly turns her head, and her lips thin when she come face to face with Severus.

He's standing awkwardly, with his hands clasped behind his back, like he does when he doesn't want to fidget and show he's nervous. 

"Hi," He says softly after a moment of looking at each other, when she doesn't speak first. Senica shifts. She's on his hip, her long legs almost wrapped around him, and despite them, Lily almost doesn't notice her against the dark fabric of his robe. "Can we talk?"

Lily doesn't have anything to say to him, and she can feel her daemon's fur stands on end at the thought of listening to what he has to say, but they both know he won't leave before she does, and Lily doesn't want to deal with him longer than necessary. She gets up, not liking the idea of him looking down on her- not after what he said, not when his friends already do- and crosses her arm.

"What do you want?" She asks curtly.

Severus seems to hesitate, her tone apparently not helping his cowardice problem. Good, Lily can't help but think vindictively. 

"I miss you." He says after a long moment.

Theo stay silent, Lily nods. "Is that all?"

His brows furrows, showing a frustrated expression Lily knows all too well. "I don't understand what you want from me, I keep apologising and you never listen!" He exclaims.

She scoffs, tightening her grip on her arms. "I never listen? I listened, Snape. I listen and I keep telling you that I miss you too, but I won't accept your apology because I don't trust you not to say that word to me again."

"That's not fair."

"The world isn't fair." Lily clench her jaw as she glares at him. "I learn that everyday. Every time one of your friends calls me mudblood, every time I get an hex send to me just because my parents aren't up to some people's standards." Her tone rise at the end on her sentence.

Because apparently she doesn't get to be angry at Regulus Black, because he only watched. But he gets to only watch while her friends get hurt, again and again. She's sick of it.

"Oi, Evans!" Lily turns at the shout, and stay frozen for a second when she recognize Black. The older Black. With Potter too. Quickly walking toward her. "Is Snivellus bothering you?"

She tries to breath for a second, and ends up putting her hands on her face when her eyes burn with tears she refuses to let fall. At this moment, she thinks she hates them all, especially when that need to defend Severus rear its ugly head Inside of her. 

Theo allows his claws to come out at the turmoil of feelings that come from her, and he moves to stand between his human and Severus. "I don't want to hurt Senica." He growls. "But talk to my Lily ever again, and I will." 

Severus blanche staring at the daemon incredulously for a second, before he looks up at Lily for support, but she refuses to give it to him, refuses to even look at him. He doesn't move away, even as Senica quickly move up to his shoulder and away from Theo, rubbing her front legs together in a nervous gesture. Lily only let her hands fall when Potter and Black are only a few feet away from them.

"It's fine." She forces herself to say. The words taste like dirt in her mouth. "We were just talking."

As she says it, she already knows it's useless. Black- Regulus- said she could make Potter stop anytime she wanted, and it's true, but she'd have to physically make him understand- because she keeps telling him, since their first year she keeps telling him, but he never listens just like Severus- and Lily, she refuses to do that. She refuses to use force to make herself be heard because then she'd be just like them.

She takes a deep breath, feeling her tears come back and it make her even more upset because she doesn't want to cry, she's not sad she's furious-

"It's none of your business, Black." Severus sneers as though she didn't say anything.

"It is when the entire school knows she doesn't want to talk to you." Potter glares at him.

Lily breathes. In and out. Easy.

"The entire school also knows she doesn't want to talk to you." Severus sniffs disdainfully.

"At least he doesn't have greasy hair." Arthur says with an offended huff. He takes a step back when Sineca suddenly makes an angry sound, looking disgusted by her form alone.

Lily is still focusing on her breathing when she feels Theo push her at leg. She looks down at him. 

"Let's not listen to that," he decides as he push her away. "It's not very interesting."

"Yeah," She lets a laugh escape her, thankful for him. "It really isn't."

Her laugh dies in her throat when she notice Mulciber walking in Severus's direction. Black was right on one thing, he wasn't the main culprit. Even though she knows he's guilty too, Lily only got so angry at him because they happened to be next to each other that day.

She's tired, and upset, and probably not in the right mind to make any rational decision, so Lily decides to ignore him. For today, she can do that, and she focuses on looking straight in front of her as they pass next to each other.

"Fancy seeing you here, mudblood." He curl his lips in distaste as he glance at her.

It's not the worst insult Lily got from him, or his friends for that matter. It's not even that elaborate, and at that point in her education, she's used to it. But Lily can only thinks of how unfair it all is, how Daisy ran into their dorm with tears and snot running down her face, and how scared she was the first time it happened to her.

She turns around and punch him in the face. 

Mulciber drop like a stone, a startled expression on his face as blood start running down his nose, and Lily vaguely register that the talking behind her stopped, as well as the fact that Theo use the fact that he's distracted by his human's pain to quickly slap Mulciber's dog in the face and send him sprawling to the ground.

"You know what, Mulciber?" She hisses as she takes out her wand, "I'm tired of your talking."

Lily grabs his collar and pulls him towards her to rest the tip of her wand on his cheek. "Tumidus infici." 

She lets him fall on the ground again, and only watch long enough for his eyes to widden in alarm and fear as he starts to choke before taking off toward the castle at a brisk pace.

It's only when she's safely back in her dormitory, sitting on her bed with her arms wrapped protectively around her knees, that Lily registers the pain in her hand. She ignores it, because for once, Mulciber hurts more than she does, and that feels good.

Lily sit there for a long time, her mind blank, and when McGonagall comes in with pursued lips and a tight expression, she doesn't even feel bad.

Her steps are light as they go to the Headmaster's office. When they enter it, Dumbledore is sitting at his desk, and offer a smile at Lily as he gestures for her to sit, while McGonagall goes to stand next to him. McGonagall's cat jumps onto the desk to stand a closer to the magnificent Phoenix that is looking at Theo and Lily with golden eyes. Theo sits on Lily's knee and ignores them both, opting to lick at his paw instead. 

"Hello, Miss Evans." Dumbledore greets her before offering her a jar filled with yellow candies, "Sherbet lemon?"

"No." Lily refuses politely. "Thank you, professor."

She'd feel ecstatic, any other day, to be talking to Dumbledore, the greatest wizard of their generation, to be able to learn from him, to listen to his bits of wisdom. Now she's only too aware that it's all he ever does. Gives bits of his thoughts, and let things run their course.

"Ah very well, we shall move on to less pleasant subjects then." He nods, "I believe you would like to speak first, Minerva?"

"Yes thank you, Albus." McGonagall nods before her eyes settle on Lily. "I would like to say that I am very disappointed in you, Miss Evans. You have always been an exceptional student, and I must say that I spoke to more than one witness before accepting that you did indeed assault another student without provocation."

Lily maintains her gaze for a few seconds, not saying anything, before turning back toward Dumbledore, her head still held high. 

He straightens, his glasses twinkling with the lights. "I realize that things may happen between students that we professors don't know about, Miss Evans, but the fact is that we must sanction this."

Lily nods in understanding, before asking, "May I speak, professor?" 

"Of course." Dumbledore allows.

"I'd like to say that I was, in fact, provoked."

"Miss Evans," McGonagall pursue her lips, "Several other students reported-"

"They saw one second." Lily snaps, clenching her jaw as her head turns towards her. "I have been provoked for years, since my first year here. I was constantly degraded, insulted and assaulted. I did my job as a student and reported it, numerous time. There was no change, and a few day ago a first year and a third year were also assaulted, by the same people, and, if it matters to you, with a curse whose description seemed very close to the Cruciatus curse."

Professor McGonagall eyes widen slightly, and she looks at the headmaster with an abashed expression, "Albus. . !"

The headmaster raise a hand, effectively cutting her off. "It isn't always easy to live in society, isn't it? Sadly, we don't all have the same ideals and convictions. I still like to believe that violence isn't the answer."

Lily straightens. "I don't think what I did was very violent, professor."

McGonagall's eyebrows furrows. "You purposely made a student choke, miss Evans!"

"I know the spell I used, and I know that I pointed my wand to his tongue." Lily grits her teeth. "He has a nose, doesn't he? He could breath just fine."

Professor McGonagall seems to be at a loss of words.

"Many use their wands to attack. In my not so humble opinion, words are the greatest weapon." Professor Dumbledore intervenes. "You can use years building something, and a few words spoken in anger can destroy it all, just as well as they can destroy you."

Lily knows that. Anger isn't the answer, anger is never the answer. She has been repeating it to herself so many times it feels like it's her first response to everything know. She won't let herself be angry, so it's fear that fills her. Had Mulciber been afraid when his tongue grew so thick that it filled his entire mouth, and he realised he couldn't breath this way? Lily desperately hope he was, like she was afraid every single time him or one of his friend decided to point their wand at her face and she saw their hate-filled eyes.

"Is Mulciber going to be called in here too?" She asks, forcing her expression into one of defiance.

Dumbledore's eyebrow raise at her question. 

"I can assure you, he will be dealt with accordingly." It's McGonagall who answer her. "This is you, we are talking about."

"Right." Lily can't help the bitter tone of her voice, even as some part of her chimes her for being disrespectful.

A sigh leaves Dumbledore. "You are a brilliant student, Miss Evans. I understand that hurtful words and actions were directed against you, but you must remember that violence isn't the answer. You have the potential to prove the very people who wrongfully thinks that blood defines you, that it isn't the case. It would be a shame to let that potential go to waste."

I did prove them wrong, Lily thinks ruefully. I've proven them wrong since the first test I've passed. I've been proving them wrong since my first year, and it doesn't change anything.

"You should remember, that it is our choices that shows what we truly are." Dumbledore add then, a knowing twinkle in his eye. "Far more than our abilities."

Do you also give moral lessons to the fascists in your school? Lily wants to ask, or just the ones you think your disappointed look will have an impact on, the ones whose self-esteem is already so low they won't even think to argue?

She holds back. What does she think? That a wizard more than half a century her senior doesn't know what he's doing? God, but she must look like a child next to him.

A silly girl who did something she knew she'd be punished for, and who did it in front of the whole school. Lily takes a breath, relax her jaw, and let it out in a sigh.

"I'm sorry, professor. You're right, I let my anger get the best of me. It won't happen again." 

Dumbledore seems satisfied with her reaction, even if she doubt he truly thinks she agrees with him, and McGonagall pursue her lips, looking contrite. Lily doesn't care, it's not like she was really trying to sell it, or she would've done something for Theo. He's still on her lap, his tail hitting her at regular intervals, and she can almost feel the way he glares at Dumbledore.

"What will my punishment be?" Lily asks after a second. 

"You will have detention with professor Binns for the rest of the week." McGonagall decides.

Lily nods. It's her first detention, and she got it for punching and hexing Mulciber in the face. She doesn't regret it in the least. "May I go now?"

"Of course." Dumbledore allows, and Lily doesn't hesitate. 

Theo jumps from her lap and onto the ground, because he doesn't want to be in her arms right now, with his claws erect, and she doesn't want his soothing presence against her. She wants to feel every bit of the anger and humiliation that's inside of her right now. She never want to forget it.

As Lily walks through the corridors, and more than a few heads turns her way- Evans hexed Mulciber...! ... bet it's the first time she breaks a rule... Potter must have rubbed off on her...- she keeps her head held high. It's only when she meet a familiar set of dark eyes that she wavers, remembering when seing those eyes made her instinctively smile. She wonder when that stopped.

"Does it make a difference, being Muggle-born?" Lily had asked him, one evening while slowly balancing on the swing in her parents' garden. They would have been lying by the lake at this time a few days before, but autumn was fast approaching, and Lily's mother would rather have Petunia sulking than Lily and Severus out at this hour.

Severus had hesitated. His black eyes, eager in the fading light, like it was every time they talked about the wizarding world, had moved over her pale face, her dark red hair. 

"No," he had said, "It doesn't make any difference."

"Liar." Lily says quietly, too quiet for anyone to hear but herself as she walks past him without a second look.

She remembers something else at that moment, and it seems more important.

Her mother mother was humming quietly as she ran soothing fingers through Lily's hair. She knew the song, it was "Lollipop" by the Chordettes, Lily remembers that silly detail because it's her mother favorite song. 

It used to drive her crazy, how she'd always be singing it under her breath, and when Lily heard it, then it'd get stuck in her head too.

Lily had been crying, there was still tears drying on her cheeks.

"Music helps me when I'm feeling sad." Her mother had said after a long time. It must've be half an hour at least.

"I'm not sad." Lily had sniffed. "I'm angry."

"Oh," Her mother had sounded relived. "That's good."

Lily had frowned. "Why?"

"If you're angry, it means you know you didn't deserve what happened to you." Her mother had shared quietly, with a smile, like it was a happy secret only Lily got to know. 

"Your anger is the part of you that loves you."

And that, Lily decided, that wasn't a lie at all.

. . .