White Soul

Since the day he first boarded on the Hogwarts Express, Sirius Black has been ashamed of his family. It was strange, going from proudly stating his name to every pure-blood kid that thought he was beneath them because he didn't act like a prick, to falling quiet every time his new friends talked about their parents.

The only ones he could talk about then were his siblings. Regulus, who would stay little forever because he was already addicted to coffee, and Diaspone, who once didn't speak to him for an entire day because she was embarrassed he's seen her fall down the stairs.

Sirius doesn't exactly know when he started to put them in the same category as their parents. He guesses around the time they started to act like them. Or when Euphemia and Fleamont Potter frantically asked him if his brother needed help while trying to make him drink healing potions at the same time, and he had to explain that Diaspone and Regulus had chosen them over him.

After that, Sirius had done his best to bury anything that had to do with his blood relatives under a mountain of good stuff.

How many times had he wished that he could live with James, surrounded by his loving family? That he could see his friends without having to spend their time together afraid his mother would learn who he was with? He was finally free, and for the first time in his life, he felt safe. Not just for a short time, knowing it would end too quickly. He was safe, and it was permanent.

He could ignore the sour taste in his mouth every time he met Aragon's eyes and knew who he was thinking about.

Out of sight, out of mind, like Peter says.

Except Regulus isn't out of sight, but at Hogwarts just like him. Peter can take him somewhere else and start talking about a prank they'll do whenever he sees him, Remus can put a hand that would've been comforting any other time on his shoulder, it doesn't matter. Regulus is there, of course they'll bump into each other in the corridors, or Sirius will see him from across the hall, like the fading memory of a boy he knew.

Sirius knows he's lucky. A year ago, he would've cut his arm off, if it only meant having what he does today. He didn't think he could ever get away from his family and now he is. He knows he should be happy.

But Regulus is always right here. He's a reminder of everything that happened, of every little thing that he'd want to forget, and Sirius hates it. Hates him.

Still, there's a part of him that can't help but look for Regulus at school. The part that's still Black, twisted and wrong, and that wants to feel every bit of the pain seeing Regulus brings him because pain is just more familiar than happiness.

Sirius is used to the eyes that become cold when they settle on him, and to the blank mask that Regulus always puts on whenever he notices him. But when he doesn't, Sirius sees him laugh- well, do that thing when he tries not to and his lip twitch. He sees Diaspone steal some of his food when he doesn't look, even though he's pretty sure Regulus gives her her own plate every time, and it's like nothing's changed.

Except him. He doesn't fit in with Regulus anymore, if he ever did. Sirius can't understand, or remember, when they became like this.

 He can't even imagine having a discussion with him, and it looks so impossible to do something like touch Regulus, something that used to be so easy before, that sometimes he thinks it's been years. But he remembers being close to him, and that feels like it was only yesterday.

Sirius knows that Regulus has always been a bit weak. He's always done what his parents asked of him without asking any questions, without ever fighting back. He never even tried. That's probably why he chose them that night. But then again, why them and not Sirius? Would it have taken him pointing his wand at his brother's face for him to choose Sirius?

The thought never leaves him. Sometimes he manage to push it away for months, and then it comes back in full vengeance, stabbing through his heart.

He said it the day before. He hadn't wanted want to, but Regulus was right there, and James had asked, so without a second thought - as usual- Sirius had just blurted out what he was thinking. It was stupid, he knew that. He knew that Regulus was a lost cause, an enemy in the war that they all knew waited for them outside the school's walls. But the thought that maybe, he didn't have to be, wouldn't leave him the fuck alone, and although Sirius had been told several times that he often had too much energy, that was tiring him out.

To be honest, Sirius had wanted James to tell him he was crazy, that Regulus had made his choice a long time ago and that Sirius was just delusional. That would put a stop to his problem, and Sirius would stop feeling like crap for absolutely no reason.

He'd also kind of hoped James would say the opposite. James had seen Sirius at his worse and he was still here. If someone could see the good in people, it was him, and Sirius thought maybe he would. See something.

James hadn't really said anything that he'd wanted to hear though, or maybe he simply wasn't ready to hear it. He'd said that Sirius tried, and what will happen next won't be on him. Of course it won't, Regulus is his own person, and Sirius can't be expected to handle him. He's not a kid. 

Sirius had defended him anyways. His own daemon had defended Diaspone, and well, Sirius couldn't really pretend that Aragon was the only one guilty here, and that he didn't have the exact same thoughts as his daemon. 

It was a cruel reminder, to walk in on Regulus torturing second years with his friends. One he needed, apparently, and Sirius is most definitely angry at himself for that. At least now he won't forget, and Aragon, he won't either. Sirius can't bring himself to feel any pity for his daemon, who somehow manage to keep some sort of faith in a daemon who outright threatened him. He didn't forget that part, and Aragon may be sad, but he knows it's for the best.

Aragon's been quiet since, staying close to Sirius rather than going off with Willow and Arthur like he usually does, but Sirius can't blame him, it's not like he's in an exceptionally good mood either. So he lets his daemon doze off with his head on his lap and the sun on his fur. 

"Sirius?"

His eyes snap up from his daemon to Remus, who is raising a brow at him. "Are you alright?"

Sirius clears his throat and shift a little on the cool grass, rolling his shoulders back to get rid of the stiffness. "Yeah, of course."

Remus considers him for a moment. "You're sure?"

Sirius can't help his lips twitching up, even when he'd rather be left alone. He's always been very conscious of how lucky he is to have met Remus, James and Peter that first day. It keeps him awake at night sometimes, how he would have turned out if he hadn't. Probably into something like Regulus.

Sirius can't keep thinking about him the way he is. Not when he has three exemples of what good people are like right under his nose. He can't put his friends in the middle of this.

"Yes, Moony." He offers Remus a grin that doesn't feel so forced. "I'm fine."

"Not to be annoying." Peter's voice cut through, effectively pulling Remus and Sirius's attention from each other. "But what I was saying was way more interesting than whatever you are."

Remus releases a huff of laughter, and turn slightly to face him. "Sorry, Peter. Please go on."

Sirius lets out an exaggerated yawn. Or not so exaggerated, it's an exceptionally sunny day outside, and the sun is making him sleepy, even in the shadow of the trees of the forest. That or the fact that he couldn't sleep last night. "Don't mind if I join Pete. What are we talking about?"

"We are talking about how I don't understand the ministry at all." Peter explains in a put out voice as he lightly pet Mize, who's asleep in his hand. Her light gray fur looks all kinds of gold and silver under the sunlight. "I'm just saying, we could bomb Voldemort."

Sirius's eyebrows pull together at that. "Bomb?"

"Yeah, you know it's a thing that-"

"I know what a bomb is." Sirius scoffs as he rolls his eyes. "I live with James, I know everything that goes boom."

"Hey!" James protests halfheartedly from his place next to him.

Peter hums in acknowledgement, and Remus intervenes with a click of his tongue. "It wouldn't work anyways, he probably has shields all around wherever it is he lives."

"I guess that makes sense." Peter hums thoughtfully, though he doesn't seem very happy about it. "Now, why are werewolves dangerous, but dementors are perfectly fine?"

Sirius shrugs, "Dementors are in Azkaban. It's not the same thing." He catch Remus eye, and hurries to add, "It's complete bullshit that werewolves are dangerous though."

Remus pin him with a bemused look, but doesn't comment.

"I mean, I could take Moony in a fight."

Aragon's words startle a laugh out of Willow. She is lying full length next to Remus, enjoying the coolness of the grass under her. Her laughter quickly dies down when she register the offended look that the other daemon is giving her, although the humour doesn't leave her eyes. She snorts, "Right."

"I could." Aragon maintains stubbornly. Sometimes Sirius thinks Arthur rubs off on him, he definitely is more touchy now than he was before.

"I think I know what we're capable of." Willow argue. "You could escape for sure, but not beat us."

"Could he?" Peter then asks with a curious glint in his eyes. "Escape, I mean. He can't stay very long as a spectre."

"It's instinctive," Aragon shrug thoughtfully. "I think I could do it longer if I was in danger."

Sirius hums in agreement and slowly runs his hand through his daemon's fur. He hasn't really bothered to look for informations on Grims, but he guesses their capacity to turn spectral and go through stuff is the reason they're so rare in the first place. Hard to see something that can disappear so fast.  He wonders if they can stay like that longer than Aragon, or if it's the same.

Either way, it's pretty useful. Sirius remembers one time when Snivellus tried to hex Aragon instead of him- what a coward, really- because Aragon had his disgusting spider under his paw, and he didn't even have to dodge. He'd stayed right where he was. His black coat had taken on a grey tinge, almost surreal, and the curse had simply passed through.

Peter hums. "Anyways, that doesn't answer my question. Why does the ministry allows this?"

"Because manifestly they don't know about the human rights act from 1998." Willow says in a bored tone, apparently not interested in that discussion. Her eyes fall shut again.

"What's that?" Sirius asks, his curiosity spiked. It sounds like a political thing and he doesn't know about it, so it has to also be a muggle thing.

"A Muggle paper that sets out everyone's rights." Remus explains shortly. "It states that any torture, mental or physical is illegal, among other things."

Sirius hums quietly. "Well, some people do deserve it."

Peter raise his head to frown at him, an air of judgment around him that would make Sirius bristle if he wasn't his friend. It kinda does anyways. "Like who?"

He offers a half-shrug, refusing to feel ashamed. Not when he actually thinks he's right. "Voldemort and his lot."

Peter fidget with his hands and his eyes glance quickly at Remus with an uncertain expression on his face, before saying quietly, "I don't think anyone deserves that."

Remus raise a brow, surprised despite himself. "Really, not even Voldemort?" 

Peter pursues his lips shortly before answering. "Ok, I might think he deserves it, but I still wouldn't put him in Azkaban. What's the point? He would probably hurt, but that wouldn't bring the people he killed back."

"So where do we put him?" Remus asks.

"Nowhere. We kill him." Peter replies easily. "Safer for everyone."

"Except the killing curse is an unforgivable. It wouldn't go well for the ministry if they started to use it themselves."

"Right." Peter scoffs with a roll of his eyes. "So we put the bad guys on an island where they get tortured until their death, which comes much faster by the way, but we didn't use the killing curse, so everything is perfectly fine. Makes perfect sense."

"Well…" Remus opens his mouth only to close it again, apparently unsure of how to voice his opinion. Or even what it is.

Sirius doesn't care to participate in that discussion when his own opinion is already clear, so he turns to James- who's been strangely quiet this whole time- instead.

He's sitting with Arthur's head on his lap, eyes lost somewhere to his right. Frowning, Sirius follows his eyes, only for his frown to deepen and and uncomfortable feeling to settle in his chest when he sees a white shape by the lake.

He looks at Diaspone for a moment. She pratically spend the last year as a wolf- Sirius still doesn't know how she can stay so long in one form when she's not even settled- but it looks like she prefers to be a tiger now. She seems carefree like that, running around with Crouch's daemon.

Sirius looks away from her, and looks for Regulus instead. He has to be close by. Surely, he finds him at the foot of a tree, with a book open in his lap. He's not reading it, but talking to Crouch next to him.

"Sirius." For the second time, it's Remus who pulls him out of his thoughts.

Sirius turns to him, and guilt immediately churn in his stomach when he meets his concerned eyes. Remus looks exhausted. His back is straight, his legs stretched out in front of him, and Sirius knows that's because his body is hurting him. Of course it is, the full moon's tonight. Remus shouldn't be worried about him when he's the one in pain.

"Sorry Moony," He offers a smile he hopes is convincing enough. "Just thinking. You okay?"

"Sure." Remus doesn't seem convinced by Sirius's answer, but thankfully lets it go. He still put a hand on his knee in a comforting gesture, probably closer to Aragon than Sirius would've allowed anyone else.

Sirius takes a deep breath, and forces himself to stop thinking about Regulus, eyes going to James. He should've checked on him after what happened. After everything James did for him, he should be thinking about him instead of Regulus.

It's his fault too. He defended Regulus and Diaspone to the brother who never betrayed him, and not five minutes later, it's that same brother who got hurt.

"Hey," He calls careful not to be too loud as he tapes James on the shoulder for good measure. "You alright?"

James's eyes meet his. "Mmh? Yeah. 'Course Pads, you?"

"Yeah," Sirius says uneasily as he slides up next to James, careful not to touch Arthur. "What are you thinking about?" He asks, even though he thinks he probably already knows the answer to that.

James shrugs, glancing back to where he was looking in the first place before saying, "You know, that's the first time I ever heard her voice."

Sirius frowns, confused. "Diaspone?" He clarifies. The name tastes like ash in his mouth.

James nods, a somewhat thoughtful expression on his face. "She never said anything before. Not when I was there at least."

Sirius muses it over. He never really paid attention to it. Some daemons don't like speaking to humans, or even to other daemons. Their language is mostly physical. Diaspone is a big show-off though, she hates when people don't acknowledge her- which Sirius finds very fucking rich since she chose to stay with pure-bloods who all think the polite thing to do is to ignore daemons.

"She didn't like you." Aragon says, keeping his head down but opening his eyes to look at James as he speaks. "For some reason. I think she wasn't really comfortable with Willow and Arthur either."

"It doesn't matter." Sirius mutters, shifting slightly. So much for not thinking about them.

James only offers him a vague sound of acknowledgement, but to Sirius relief, he doesn't go back to looking at Regulus.

Though only a second after turning his head away, his eyes widen comically, and he asks quickly in a hushed voice, "Did I do anything bad?"

"A lot of things." Sirius replies automatically with a grin, earning himself a roll of eyes. He follows James's line of sight to see Lily, Mary, and Marlene walking toward them. Yep, James definitely did something, they don't look too happy. At least they know it's not about Snivellus, Evans hasn't bothered with him since he called her a mudblood in front of the entire school. It was about time, if you ask him.

"Hey, guys." It's Marlene who speaks when they arrive, with a smile that isn't as bright as it usually is. Eleanor jumps from her shoulder to land on the ground as a golden retriever. She happily goes to greet Arthur and Aragon, tail wagging behind her the whole time. Evans stays quietly next to Marlene, her daemon in her arms, but offers them a small smile. Meanwhile Mcdonald stays a bit behind, her owl-daemon on her left shoulder.

"Hey, Marls." James replies as his eyes go between the three of them. "Something's wrong?"

"No, just wanted to thank you."

"For what?" Remus asks as his eyebrows pulls together in a curious expression.

"My little sister, Daisy. She said you helped her with Mulciber." Marlene explains, her eyes softening when she mentions her sister. "So, thanks."

"No problem," James grins at her reassuringly, relieved. "Honestly, that prick deserved more than just being stupefixed."

"He really did." Sirius mutters in agreement. If he hadn't been distracted like they all were, he would've certainly done worse to him.

"I can't even disagree with you there."

A shocked gasp leaves Sirius at that, and he puts a hand on his heart as his head snap to the side. "Did Lily Evans just agree with me?" He look at the others for confirmation before turning back to her. "Are you joining the dark side?"

The flat look Lily is trying to give turns into a smirk. "The dark side? Really?" She laughs.

Sirius's smile is wiped off his face, he looks away, his cheeks turning slightly pink. "Peter made me watch it."

"Hey!" Peter frowns, kicking him in the leg with more force than necessary. "You said you liked it!"

"And now it's my greatest shame." Sirius sigh dramatically as he flops back on his elbows.

"It's not that bad." Lily rolls her eyes at him, she's still smiling in amusement. "I quite like the story."

"Really?" James asks, perking up at the idea of hearing about something Lily likes. "What do you like about it?"

Lily looks at him for a second, considering, before replying. "The characters are well thought, and the love story is good."

"The love story?" Sirius murmurs, turning to Peter with a disturbed look on his face.

Peter blinks at him before realization comes to him. "She's not talking about that!" He says in a hurry, a disgusted look on his face. "It's in the first trilogy, you only saw the first two movies of the second trilogy."

"Why the fuck would you make me start in the middle?"

"It's in that order." Peter states before frowning in annoyance at the doubtful look Sirius is giving him. "I know better than you." 

James brain seems to go off line for a second. Then he straighten, ignoring the banter next to him as he asks, "What about the love story made you-"

"We gotta go." Mary suddenly intervenes, shooting a look at her bare wrist. "I have homework to finish."

Lily makes a sound of agreement, and James wince internally when he looks at Theo in her arms, ears pulled back as he glares at him. He quickly looks away. Best not to provoke him.

"Yeah, anyways. Bye." Marlene waves at them before she takes off with her friends, Eleonore jumping behind her.

As soon as they're far enough, James is tackled to the ground by Arthur.

"You made them leave!" His daemon cries out.

James heaves a sigh, not even trying to fight back, not that he would have much luck with how much Arthur weight. He looks at the sky in despair. "What did I do wrong?"

"I personally think you would have better luck if you stopped asking her questions about love in every single conversation." Remus states, giving him a tired look. "It can seem a bit pushy."

"He just asked a question." Sirius defends him. Honestly, it feels like Evans is becoming meaner sometimes.

"I think that's the problem." Peter replies as he shoots him a heavy look.

Sirius huffs, but chose not to answer to that. He lay down completely on the ground, and only grunts a little when Aragon decides to do the same on him. The talking continue around him, and Sirius listen with one ear as he run a hand through Aragon's fur. He may have dozed off at some point, because he closes his eyes, and when he opens them again, it's because his daemon is nudging him with his snout.

By that point, it's dark outside, and they're completely alone- most students having decided to heed the curfew. The marauders chose to ignore it, and instead start their monthly ritual of walking to the Whomping Willow, where Mize goes first to press on the knot of roots at the base of the dangerous tree. It freezes immediately, temporarily incapacitated, and the four friends takes advantage of the moment to go through the passage underneath it.

The walk to the Shrieking Shack is only a few minutes long, and when they arrive, the first thing Remus does is to go lay down on the bed inside. Sirius follows him to sit on the edge of it, while James and Peter each take one of the chairs already placed there.

"How do you feel, Moony?" James enquires, his eyes run over his friend. "Close yet?"

Remus shrugs, stretching his painful members. "Not yet." He murmurs.

James nods, and Sirius immediately lunge into a discussion to try and distract Remus from the incoming pain. Or at least help him not to feel so scrutinized, he knows how much he hates that.

"It'll be Christmas soon." He notes with a touch of excitement. He's always liked the holiday. It may be because it's close to his birthday.

Peter raise his brows with a dubious air. "Yeah, and?"

"We should do something!" Sirius exclaims in a confident tone. It's the best time, really, even McGonagall is nicer at this time of year.

"Like, another prank?" Peter asks curiously as he exchanges a glance with James.

"Might be a bit much, mate." James grimaces with a shake of his head. "Minny will already give us weeks of detentions for the first."

"No, not a prank. A party." Sirius explains eagerly. Even though the idea just came to him five seconds ago, it's actually a good one. 

James hums, looking thoughtful. Sirius knows he's already won him over, James can almost never say no to a good time.

"If we do it, we have to invite the Hufflepuffs." Peter says immediately.

Sirius rolls his eyes. "You mean your girlfriend, of course we're inviting her."

"Not my girlfriend." Peter mutters, the tip of his ears turning red. 

That's bullshit, because Sirius saw him sneak out of their dorm four days ago, and he's pretty sure it was to go see her, because James's invisibility cloak conveniently disappeared along with their map that that night. The only reason he hasn't been teasing Peter endlessly is because Remus made him promise not to. 

"Not yet." James pats Peter on the shoulder encouragingly. The most patient man in the world, if Sirius dares to say so himself.

"If we do something, we might as well invite everyone." Remus intervenes, turning on his side so he can look at them without straining his neck.

Sirius frowns. "...Everyone?" He ask reluctanly.

James is confused for a second, but when he catches up, he frowns too. "What, the Slytherins too?"

Remus rolls his eyes. It's Willow who speaks. "You know," She says. "I know for a fact that one of the reasons you're not on Lily's good side is that she finds you discriminating."

James gape at her. "Me, discriminating?" He sputters. "It's them who discriminates muggle-borns, she should know that!"

"One does not preclude the other." Remus shrugs.

"That's bullshit." Sirius scoffs.

Hesitantly, James turns to Peter. "What do you think?"

Peter seems to hesitates for a moment before he answers. "We do mostly target Slytherin for our pranks, so I don't completely disagree with Lily." He shrugs guiltily at the glare Sirius shoots him. "But if we invite Slytherin we can't keep Mulciber and his gang from coming, and that might make the party less enjoyable."

"Or more." Sirius shrugs with a smirk. "I kinda like cursing him."

James snorts at his friend. "I guess that would be doable, but we'll have to get to it soon."

Mutters of agreements answer him, and it's at that moment that Remus starts to show signs of pain. He closes his eyes tightly, and grips his daemon even more tightly.

Willow whines lowly, tucking herself against him. It's always disconcerting to see her like that, when she's usually so strong.

The others unanimously decides to give them some privacy, and take a few steps back. While Peter and Sirius go to sit on the ground further away, James goes to unlock the door. Easier to do it while he still has thumbs. He learned this at his own expense.

Sirius hear Remus groan in pain, and chose this moment to focus on his bond to Aragon. As he hugs his daemon tightly to make the change as smooth as possible, he wills it to become shorter and shorter, until Sirius feels himself breathing with more difficulty with how suffocating their entangled magics are, and golden dust escape between his fingertips. Then a shiver go through him, and they falls on four legs. They stand as one. As a Grim, only a bit taller than Aragon would originally be.

It always feels amazing, to be so close. It's intoxicating really, feels like things are finally like they should, like after a lifetime of looking through blurry glass, they can finally see clearly. It's exhilarating, and Sirius wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. As Animagi, they don't only share their emotions, but also their thoughts an their instincts. They blur into one another, move as one. It feels right. 

When Aragon first settled, they were in a bad place. They'd just left their house, finally got away from their parents after years of misery. They didn't know what would happen, if Walburga and Orion would come for them, if they would hurt the Potters.

There was Regulus and Diaspone too, alone in that forsaken house, and when Aragon settled as an omen of death the moment he left, it felt like fate laughing at them. Look at what you did. Look at what you are, when you can't hide it anymore. Black like the rest of them; 

Sirius spent so many nights awake thinking that it wasn't trivial, and that he would come back to school to learn that the second son of the Black family had died between the moment he had left and summer break ended. For entire nights it was all he could think about.

When he could finally think about something else, though, he started to really appreciate Aragon's definitive form.

He was a bit proud that it was a magical creature. Daemons like that were prized in pure-blooded society, and for Aragon to settle as one when they left, it felt like a big fuck you to their parents. Look at what you could have had if only you had not been abusive pieces of shit. 

Sirius let go of those thoughts when he realizes the Shack is silent, he can't hear Remus's grunts of pain anymore. He goes back to the bed, and sure enough, Moony is there, already sniffing at Wormtail with a suspicious glint in his eyes, as if not sure if he's a prey or not.

That's the only difference between an Animagi and a Werewolf. The former remember, the latter don't. That's why Padfoot and Prongs always make sure to never leave Wormtail alone with Moony, no matter how much they want to trust him. A single bite, a clumsy swipe of his claws, and it would be over before they'd even have the chance to take him to Pomfresh.

This doesn't mean that Werewolves are a danger though. They've always been careful, and there's never been any incident since they all started going out during the full moon. The only thing that's different is that the morning after, Remus and Willow don't wake up with blood all over them and wounds they don't even remember inflicting on themselves.

When Moony is done inspecting Wormtail, he goes to Padfoot, who takes care to keep his head high and his tail wagging to seem as friendly as possible. Aragon and Sirius are long used to seeing Moony's golden eyes, brighter than Willow's yellow, and without any sign of recognition in them. It doesn't faze them anymore.

The inspection is a short one, and soon, Moony stands on his hind legs to look around him. Then he falls back onto the ground when he sees the open door, and immediately starts running.

While Prongs stays a few seconds behind so Wormtail can climb onto his antlers, Sirius and Aragon don't lose a second before running after him. They let the line between them get even hazier, and run, until they can't remember where Sirius begins and Aragon ends.

. . .