Chapter 18
Harry sighed as the warm air swept over him the moment he stepped out of St. Mungo’s after Mary’s first and likely most arduous Healer session.
After speaking with Pierre and later, Emmeline, he came to find out that Mary had Obliviated herself just a few months after the war without telling anyone besides them two.
Pierre didn’t understand what that even meant until they found Mary completely distraught, confused on who or where she was. Emmeline on the other hand knew Mary had thought about it in her darkest moments but didn’t know she would actually go through with it until Mary had gone missing one day and the Muggle police ended up finding her in an abandoned home.
It turned out that that was her childhood home that had since been abandoned after her parents passed away. It was the only place she seemed to remember.
Emmeline realised exactly what she had done when she found Mary clutching a wrinkled piece of parchment explaining what she had done.
Over the years, Mary’s obliviation weakened as she was not licensed in memory magic and while she remembered some things, she was still often confused about where certain memories came from or who constituted it and Emmeline steadfastly nudged her in the right direction, never overwhelming her or yelling at her for what she had done.
“How could I blame her?” Emmeline had sadly told Harry when he had gotten a chance to speak to her after she came over to Pierre’s when she heard the news of Harry’s arrival.
He was astounded by her gentle and compassionate nature. He knew that he would have likely never forgiven any of his friends if they had chosen to do that and while it was wildly selfish, he couldn’t imagine having to carry the burden of all that had happened while someone else shucked it off easily.
Harry felt a pang of compassion for the woman Mary was just hearing about her but when Emmeline led him to their home, he felt the pain more personally.
Mary was quite striking in person as she had soft rounded cheeks supported by high arching cheekbones. Her almond shaped eyes were dark but sparkled with inner joy under the light that filtered in through the kitchen windows above them. She was just a bit shorter than Harry but carried herself as someone with a sense of comfort in themselves and their surroundings. Her hair was styled in braids that flowed down to her hips and Harry could see some greys incorporated into them at her hairline.
She had faint smile lines around her mouth that deepened when she saw Emmeline walk into the house with a nervous Harry in tow.
She held a glint of recognition in her eyes when Harry stepped in but from the way she studied him, he knew that she couldn’t quite place where she knew him from, just that he was someone significant.
Emmeline led them all to the sitting room where she lightly grasped her hand, matching wedding bands resting atop one another, and explained in low tones who Harry was, about the new developments with Lily and James, and how they had been saved.
If Mary was on the verge of a breakdown, she didn’t show it and Harry was mildly impressed.
Harry had asked her if she ever regretted performing the Obliviation in a momentary lapse of restraint and he almost felt bad until she smiled and answered, “I might not remember as much as I used to Harry, but I remember feeling pain over what had happened. I don’t regret it for a bit, especially since I had Emmeline to help me process along the way, and I’m only more grateful now I did it myself because that means I am still able to remember you and James and Lily. Talk about happy accidents right?”
She was completely willing to go to a Mind healer, seemingly ready to rip off the thin veil that seemed to rest over the recesses over her mind and expose herself to the entirety of her memories that she had tried and failed to repress.
He was thankful that she was ready to go that same day and the Healer said that Mary’s prospects looked especially high, considering the circumstances, and that restoring the memories wouldn’t necessarily be a problem, it would just be important to support her as much as they could in this time as the memories filtered back to her slowly.
Mary’s first session was successful as the Healer seemed to work backwards through her mind. She held onto his and Emmeline’s hands tightly as the Healer worked and while he was shocked at the sudden familiarity, he felt warm knowing how innately trusting she was.
Harry and Emmeline just sat in bated silence while watching the Healer perform his silent ministrations in Mary’s mind and they almost fell asleep until Mary had opened her eyes suddenly with a sharp inhale, looking at her surroundings in an effort to reorient herself.
Se looked at Harry with newfound recognition and threw her arms around him tightly. Repeating to herself that she knew him, could recognise him the minute he walked into her house and she even apologised for “not getting it sooner.”
She eventually released her iron-clad grip on Harry and all the euphoria from the moment seemed to slip away as the Healer began to ask her specific questions about what he had seen in her mind. When they started talking about the war, Harry took it as a sign to leave and he left, reassuring them that he’d send them an owl to check back in soon and to keep him updated on Mary’s condition and if he could do anything to help.
The sun had set, basking the London city centre in golden lights, and Harry walked to the nearest Apparition point to go to the Leaky with Draco, Ron, and some others for a pint.
He had decided to keep today’s events under wraps for a bit and hoped that Mary would be ready for their small party coming up in a few days time.
_______
Lily was calmly sorting through music records she found in the attic while James and Sirius worked on a new motorbike out front when the floo roared to life.
Hermione stepped through the floo with a morose expression on her face and when Lily looked up, she instantly jumped to attention, picking up on her energy.
“Hermione, are you okay?” Lily asked quickly, instantly clearing away the vinyls and tapping the cushion next to her.
“I just- I mean I am but- ugh it’s so stupid,” she cried, wiping at her wet eyes, unable to clearly form the words.
Lily felt her heart tug at the sight of Hermione’s tears especially after hearing all of Harry’s stories about how ‘strong’ and ‘smart’ she was.She knew that it was often those people that needed help the most, they just didn’t know how to ask for it.
“I can guarantee you it’s not stupid but come, I'll make us some tea and we can sit on the porch and watch the boys blow up their motorbike yeah? With any luck they’ll be topless too” she offered lightly and Hermione managed to giggle and her eyes already seemed to dry up a bit.
They cozied up on some rocking chairs they moved onto the porch and the boys just waved at their arrival before going back to crouching and tinkering with various parts for the machine that seemed to be almost completely deconstructed.
“I’m sorry I just came barreling in, I just didn’t know who to speak to,” Hermione sighed, cupping the mug closer.
“I’m sorry Harry couldn’t be here, he should be coming back soon and-” Lily began.
“I came to talk to you actually, I love the boys but sometimes I don’t feel like they really get it you know?” she smiled a bit abashed.
“Tell me about it, the other day I asked Harry to go out and buy me some tampons, I think he almost passed out at the thought but he managed to do it. They just need a bit more house training,” Lily laughed, squeezing Hermione’s shoulder.
Hermione joined in on the laughter now, looking back out into the distance and the sun set her chocolate eyes and auburn hair ablaze, “It’s just that I was thinking about the wedding and I realised that neither of my parents will be there…I’ve always dreamt of my dad walking me down the aisle or getting ready with my mum and I just remembered that I’ll never have that. I don’t have any siblings either and while I have the Weasleys, it’s just not the same and they’ll be there more for Ron than me I think,” Hermione admitted.
Lily stayed silent for a moment before speaking, “You know when I got married to James, not a single one of my family members came. Petunia refused to come obviously and my dad was incredibly sick and couldn’t make the trip and my mum wouldn’t leave him. The morning of, I got ready in a guest room at James’ house completely alone. I couldn’t even get through my makeup without crying and mucking it all up.”
“I just wanted to curl up and cry really, until the door opened and in came Mary, Marlene, Dorcas, Pandora, Emmeline, Alice, I know these names don’t mean much to you but they were all of my best friends. They took one look at me and were soppy for just a minute before they all got to work and suddenly I forgot about how lonely I truly was. They drove out the darkness and I don’t remember if I ever truly told them how much I appreciated that. Of course with them came Remus and Sirius and the rest of the boys,” she couldn’t help laughing.
“Sirius was the one to walk me down the aisle you know?” Lily spoke, fondly looking back out at Sirius who had tied his hair back now and was consulting seriously with James as they pored over what was likely some sort of instruction manual.
“I say this all to let you know that it’s impossible to not feel the absence of your parents, but you are certainly not alone. You have all of us by your side, always, and we will try our absolute best to make your wedding as lovely as it can possibly be because you deserve it.”
Hermione looked at Lily with big watery eyes and she looked so impossibly young in that moment as a tear ran down her cheek, “Thank you Lily, really, I just- I’ve never really had anyone to chat to like this.”
“Like I told you before, I’m here for you anytime,” Lily gushed and Hermione did in turn.
They sat in happy silence for a moment before Hermione finally asked, “Where did they get the bike from?”
Lily just sighed, “I find it’s better to not ask questions when it comes to them. The answer is almost always illegal.”
A loud groan took their attention away from each other and when they looked up at the boys, they were pulling their vests off and Lily instantly began cheering and whistling at them.
Hermione just covered her face in her hands while peeking through the gaps in her fingers and laughing maniacally.
______
Sirius finally went into the rooms he had steadfastly avoided since coming back from the dead.
He hadn’t even really gone into these rooms when he was still in hiding and whether it was conscious or subconscious he wasn’t entirely sure. Maybe he just never really had a reason to until now when life seemed so fraught and full of change.
He went up the stairs to Harry’s room, his old room, and kept going past it until he found himself in front of the door labelled simply with a plaque, ‘ R.A.B.’
He pushed the creaky door open slowly, as if scared something would jump out at him but when nothing did, he pushed it open further to allow him space to enter before shutting the door firmly behind himself.
He didn’t really know why he was here, why his feet somehow led him to Regulus like it would change anything, like it would lead him to some magical device to bring him back.
The large four poster bed was the same, the bed immaculately made, whether by Kreacher or Regulus was unclear as Regulus was always a bit anal about his room being set a certain way. He remembered all the times Regulus had shouted at him for misplacing his things or jumping on his bed and ruining all of his hard work.
The drapes were pulled back to allow some light to filter in but the windows couldn’t be opened, not since Walburga once caught them sneaking out to lay on the roof and watch the stars one night.
The iron bars flashed in his vision, the delicate curling pattern on the one in front of him contrasting with the thick grey bars of his prison and he had to look away.
Upon further inspection, he saw that the drawers in his desk were empty save for a few blank pieces of parchment, a quill, and an inkpot.
Sirius sighed in disappointment. He desperately looked for some sign that Regulus was a real person despite how ridiculous it sounded.
So much of Regulus’ life was controlled by their parents and while Sirius managed to create a person of himself, breaking the mould his parents tried to shove him into, he questioned whether Regulus had ever been able to do that, developing some sort of personality or character.
He thought about what Regulus might have liked besides maybe Quidditch or Potions. Did he have any quirks? Any unique hobbies? It’s a question any brother should know and yet Sirius continuously came up short.
The shelves were lined with books and Sirius idly scanned them until his eye caught on a title, The Picture of Dorian Gray . He stepped closer and pulled it out of the shelf, wiping away a bit of dust that had accumulated on it.
The author was one Oscar Wilde and Sirius racked his mind trying to figure out why the name sounded so familiar to him.
When he flipped through it, he saw penmarks all across the pages and upon closer inspection, he recognized Regulus’ familiar cursive handwriting squished in the margins connecting to certain quotes or passages with little arrows. Regulus’ annotations were thorough as he left a note along each page and Sirius smiled a bit as he read some of them.
Some were just comments on the writing, others were questions about possible foreshadowing or meaning, and others were just simple underlines under keywords.
He finally remembered why the name was so familiar- Lily had once given them all a crash course on muggle authors for their Muggle studies class and he was one of those notable authors.
He took a few steps back and realised that all the authors on the shelf were muggle or atleast believed to be as he saw titles by Shakespeare, Virginia Woolfe, Jane Austen, and the list just goes on and on. Remus used to read so many of these books and Sirius just picked on them because he would stare at him and them so often.
He continued pulling books out and each one was fully marked up, some had different coloured pens or small tabs peeking out the edges and Sirius couldn’t believe the sheer volume of books he had accumulated here and wondered how he had ever even managed to keep them all here in plain sight.
As Sirius worked his way down, he saw a shimmering in the corner of his eye and realised the bottom shelf was flickering, the books weaving in and out of view and Sirius cautiously pulled out his wand and just casted a Finite spell to stop whatever was going on there and it dawned on him.
Regulus had cast a charm on all of them to appear to be random magical texts relating to school or some topic that Walburga deemed appropriate. He had hidden them in plain sight, the little genius.
An idea struck Sirius as he went to the other side of Regulus’ bed, furthest from the door, and crouched down onto the floor, the hard floorboards digging into his knees.
He tapped along the floor until he finally saw one plank that was just slightly scratched on the edges and he pulled it up out of the floor.
He and Regulus used to hide all sorts of things under here, especially as Walburga was more likely to check Sirius’ room for anything she deemed ‘contraband’ than Regulus’. They would hide things like candy or muggle toys but all that was in the small space was a little box that Sirius easily grasped and picked up.
When he set it on the ground, the small box expanded into a relatively large chest instantly and Sirius was easily able to open it with an unlocking spell.
When he peeked in, he saw it was full to the brim of letters and trinkets. He saw a stray piece of blue ribbon, a handmade bracelet of beads, a small notepad, a golden snitch, and the list goes on and on.
He couldn’t even make sense of it all and went for the snitch first as it was the most familiar to him.
Hooch would have a fit if she found out Regulus had stolen a snitch and the mere thought had Sirius smiling gleefully to himself.
He was about to put it to the side when his thumb brushed over something and there on the side was engraved ‘ J.P. + R.B.’ and just under it was a single word ‘ Ishq.’
Sirius knew that word well, having learned it once during his impromptu language lessons with James. He had asked James how to say ‘love’ in Urdu as he had just come to the terrifying realisation that what he felt for Remus had gone so far from just friendship it was a bit sad it had taken him so long to notice.
He could say the word simply meant ‘love’ but it would be doing them a disservice for it meant something more entirely, it was a type of love that transcended all others, a love that could cause euphoria or physical pain should something thrum against it. To see the word written in such a lovely script against the pair of initials made Sirius want to cry or even break something. It was so infuriating to see the engraved snitch cast aside in this box, completely forgotten by the world, because Regulus had gone and left them like that.
Perhaps the box was too stark of a reminder of Regulus’ humanity but Sirius couldn’t stop himself from rifling through it.
He found an empty pack of cigarettes, ‘ To Reggie’s 17th!’ written in marker across the back.
He then found a photograph of Regulus standing frowning with a cone shaped hat on his head amidst his school friends and he could recognize some of the faces there. Barty Crouch Jr. was hanging wildly onto an Evan Rosier who smiled serenely at him, clearly unbothered by the monkey clinging to him. On Regulus’ other side was Pandora who held onto Regulus’ hand with one of hers while the other was wrapped around Dorcas’ arm who wore an expression of shock as she was abruptly pulled into view of the camera.
It was a magical photograph and Sirius watched the loop with wild fascination as balloons floated around the background and streamers burst and just before the loop finished, Regulus broke out into a large smile that only lasted for a moment before it flicked back to the signature frown.
Sirius tapped the image with his wand, pausing the image and duplicating it to capture just that second of Regulus smiling.
Something about the time passing must have made Sirius a more open minded person because he took pause to study the few Slytherins present in the photograph.
Everyone in the picture was now dead. Not one remained and it caused an ache to bloom in Sirius’ chest.
It was easy to write all the Slytherins and death eaters off as horrible and that their deaths were a good thing but how could he say that when he looked at the teenagers in the photo, all smiling and holding hands while celebrating a birthday together? How could he say that when each of those kids had been pushed into the same war he was, the only difference being that they just happened to be on the opposing side?
He remembered Evan Rosier had been the first to go, taken out by Moody. He was rumoured to be in a relationship with Barty Crouch and the image had clearly highlighted that well. How did he feel to lose him?
The parchments were next and Sirius jolted when an envelope addressed to him, the ‘ Sirius’ drawn in elegant font across the front. The wax seal on the back had no seal or identifying stamp, and with shaking hands, he tore it open, unable to contain his curiosity,-
Sirius,
I’m not entirely sure whether I am writing this for you or myself…or if you’ll ever even see this. You had once said that I was too curious for my own good and that it would someday get me in trouble and I’m afraid to say you were entirely too right. I have found something that has the potential to change everything and if I did my job right, you’ll know what I am talking about.
And if I did my job right, that also means I am dead.
I just wanted to say that I’m sorry Sirius. I’m sorry for every insult I said, every time I sided with Walburga over you, for staying home when you left, for damaging our relationship beyond repair. I wish I could change what happened but I fear if I did, I may not be where I am today so perhaps it is a good thing that I am here. I feel like I was meant for this.
You are in possession of a great treasure of mine and I trust you recognize that and implore you to treat him well. You were also once a sort of treasure to me, someone that I cherished dearly and didn’t want to share but I couldn’t stop that Hogwarts letter coming any more than I could have stopped James from coming into your life. It was entirely fate that gifted you these things.
If you’re seeing this then you are at Grimmauld, snooping around in my room and for that I feel like I have to tell you to get out but I don’t mind, just don’t mess up my bed.
There are some other letters in here, please give them to their intended recipients, I fear Pandora would be especially mad to not receive hers. A mad Pandora is a very scary Pandora.
And would you look at that, I’ve lost the plot.
Would it be presumptuous of me to hope that you would miss me? For all I know you’re laughing at me now but I’ve been told to be more optimistic so here I am. I know I will miss you greatly but what is life but just a blip in the span of the universe? I’m sure our paths will meet again and whether you greet me with a slap or a hug, I hope you know I will appreciate it nonetheless because you will be with me once more.
To the brightest star in the sky, who lit my life up in ways I wasn’t able to notice until now and guided me here, Sirius B. Potter, my cherished brother.
Sincerely,
Regulus B.
Your little brother.
Sirius flipped the parchment around and looked in the envelope to see if there was anything else but that was all.
No. That couldn’t be it.
Sirius hadn’t even realised his cheeks were wet until a drop fell onto the corner of the page with a barely audible tap.
He doubled over, feeling his insides collapse and heart break from the sheer force with which the words hit him.
It was practically evil for Regulus to write such a letter knowing that Sirius would one day read this and not be able to respond.
While Sirius vowed he hated Regulus to anyone asked and said he hadn’t even noticed when he died, he remembered crying about it for days after, Remus or James alternating holding him throughout his episodes.
He had even shown up to Grimmauld, vowing to yell at Walburga, to blame her for what she’d done but he hadn’t even been able to step inside. He just remained on the street till the sun set and all the candles inside had been extinguished.
There were letters addressed to each of his friends and at the bottom of the stack was one for James and for some unexplicable reason it only made him cry harder.
He cried for what felt like hours until the door creaked open again and James walked in with a mixed expression.
“Pads?” he asked lightly, stepping in closer and when he saw Sirius’ tear-streaked face, he instantly went to him, crouching on the floor and enveloping him in his arms, “What happened?”
Sirius wasn’t able to come up with a response because he didn’t know why he was crying, he was just a bit mad at the world for how they were all entirely fucked by powers they had no control over and had none of it happened, had they all been born a bit earlier or a bit later, maybe they’d have a better life.
One where they didn’t need magical devices or life-risking adventures to reach a semblance of happiness. One where kids weren’t constantly losing mums, dads, and siblings for no reason beyond the fact that things like that just happened during war.
“Reggie, he-” Sirius choked out before producing the snitch and the letter in leiu of words and James accepted them gratefully.
James just smiled softly, “I remember this, it was our last quidditch game against each other and, if I remember right, also our two year anniversary”
“I’m too late James,” he managed to whisper in the quiet room that only held the ghost of his little brother.
“You’re not. It’s never too late and here you’ve already taken the first step. I had time to process his death but I know you Sirius and I know you haven’t. You’ve got to break down the wall you’ve built around yourself just like he did to write this letter to you," James advised rather wisely.
“I miss him.”
“So do I.”
So there they sat, two brothers healing from the loss of a boy who had touched so many lives without even realising it.
_____
When Harry finally came back home, very late in the evening or morning depending on how one would want to look at it, he was greeted with the sight of James and Lily in the kitchen trying to figure out the best way to make chocolate chip cookies.
The tray in front of James was laden with black charred disks that might have once been cookies whereas Lily’s tray contained chocolate chip cookie soup, the barely rounded circles spread out thin, doughy, and uncooked.
Sirius was practically falling asleep at the counter gnawing on a cold slice of pizza with his eyes drooped closed.
“Why are you all still up?” he asked the general room after walking in.
“I’m not, I give up,” Lily declared, taking her oven mitts out, “Call me if you figure it out,” she spoke over her shoulder to James who just looked at her in betrayal as she sauntered out of the kitchen, looping arms with Harry and dragging him out and up the stairs with her.
“He’s never going to get them, I charmed the batter to basically turn out like shite everytime, I just needed to get away from them for a while. I only came down to make a tray because they were practically in tears.”
Harry couldn’t help but laugh, “And why are you torturing them so?”
“I had to plan the party but I couldn’t do that with them sitting on my head all day so,” she clapped, sitting on Harry’s bed as he sat down on his chair and began pulling his shoes off.
“I made a list,” she said, flourishing her wand and a parchment popped into her hand.
She skimmed over it once more, humming to herself, before making a noise of approval and handing it to Harry.
“I’ve made a menu, tentative of course, made a list of all the decorations I couldn’t get by owl, and made a guest list but you’re free to invite anyone you’d like. I think that’s all we really need! On the back side, I’ve made a schedule for the day of the party as well as cover ups for us while you’re out doing whatever is left over and I go over to make sure the house is perfectly set the dat of. What do you think?” she finished excitedly.
Harry marvelled at the parchment which was perfectly organised by section and importance, certain things were colour coded while others were underlined and bolded. Her organisation skills rivalled Hermione and he could imagine them swapping notes on the best way to take said notes.
“I think…it sounds great mum,” Harry smiled, very impressed with her work though he felt a pit develop in his stomach, not because of the party necessarily, but the fact that the manor would be ready…
“What is it?” Lily asked, picking up on the shift in energy.
“I just…what happens to us now?” he asked rather shyly.
“What do you mean?” she nudged, smiling openly.
“Well, once the manor is ready, are you and dad going to move there? And if you move, I imagine Sirius would go with you…or maybe he’d want to stay in Grimmauld? In that case, I should start looking for an apartment somewhere, no? I mean I know I’d be living at Hogwarts but still and I hate to say this but we’re all going to be apart again and I know you’re probably dying for your space and are tired of me but-”
Lily silenced him by simply raising her hand.
“Harry, if you ever think for a moment that we want our space from you, you’re quite frankly thicker than Hagrid’s beard. Everyday I wake up and you know what I feel? Excited- to see James, and Sirius, and you, and anyone else that decides to come by. If anything I imagine you’re tired of all our hovering. Now I don’t know exactly what Sirius plans to do but I wouldn’t be surprised if we end up fighting over who gets to keep you, not push you out. I like to hope that you might come live at the manor with us? But if you wanted to move out, I would never force you to stay. We are your parents and I hope you know that means that we want to be by your side, always .”
Harry could feel his lip quiver because he hadn’t know what it meant to be wanted, to know that someone wanted him to stay with him, not out of any sort of obligation but because they simply loved him before his parents had shown up in his life.
“I think…I’d like to stay at the manor with you and dad, if that’s okay?”
“More than,” she gushed before pulling Harry into a bone crushing hug and after a few tender moments, she slapped him once on the back, “Right, now get to work.”
She got up quickly and began to walk out, “Wait, now? It’s like three in the morning?” Harry called out with a slack jaw.
“See we’re already one day closer, get cracking love,” she said before sneaking out the door.
A minute later a large stack of floral paper titled “Invitations” appeared on his desk with a quill and he couldn’t help but groan.