Regret

Severessa would like to say her reasons for joining the Death Eaters were ultimately selfless and pure. She was doing it to protect the love of her life; what else could be more refined and selfless than that? But she knew deep down there was more to it than that; it was because she wanted to gain Lial Evans’s respect and attention, just as Julia Potter did. And perhaps another tiny part of her, a part of her she’d never dare confess out loud, would say that she joined the Death Eaters as an indirect way to get back at the muggles in her life who treated her horribly (her father and Petunia Evans were the first to come to mind).

But, let it not be mistaken that Severessa Snape joined the Death Eaters because of some silly notion that muggle-borns were beneath those of pure-blood status. This was most certainly not the case. If she did, she wouldn’t have been friends with Lial, nor would she have been miffed by the constant bullying and snooty looks she had received throughout Hogwarts due to her half-blood status. She didn’t agree with half of the ideologies the Dark Lord made, nor how he enforced them. No, what drew her to him was his great power. 

She did not doubt that Lord Voldemort would win the war. Thus, she took action; she made close contact with Narcissa, which led her to close contact with Lucius, who then, upon seeing her great magical prowess in the arts of the mind and potions, notified the Dark Lord of her gifts and well, to make a long story short, it brought Severessa to what she was today; a Death Eater, branded by the Dark Lord himself. 

This was not to say that she was a Death Eater of high rank. This was mostly her own doing; she was loath to participate in activities that boosted followers. Actions such as randomly targeting innocent muggles or muggle-borns out on the streets and playing dirty tricks on them, or worse, raping and torturing them before wiping them off the face of the earth. Not once had she killed someone, although, for her initiation, Severessa regretted admitting that she did have to torture a muggle to ensure she was down for the cause. 

Muggles that weren’t worth the air they breathed were those she could rationalize being beneath them and being punished, but this muggle hadn’t been like that. This man hadn’t been a child molester, a rapist, a killer, a wife-beater, or a thief; he was simply an older man who had worked as a nurse at a local hospital. He had helped people. And Severessa repaid him by striking him with a crucio curse until he bled from his ears. She hadn’t been allowed to stop torturing him until the Dark Lord had told her she could. He hadn’t gone so far as to force her to murder the man personally, but Severessa hated to think about what was probably done to him once the Dark Lord dismissed her from the room. She had vomited once she had returned home and had nightmares of the man’s pained-looking face for weeks. 

Severessa realized then she didn’t want to be involved in the Death Eaters more than she had to. She would make the small potions here and there that the Dark Lord requested of her, attend the mandatory bi-weekly meetings, and do just enough service to have Lial spared from the Dark Lord. But she would no longer aim for the riches and glory she once hoped for with her association with the Death Eaters. To achieve that, one had to get close to the Dark Lord, and getting close to the Dark Lord meant doing atrocious things. Although Severessa was already considered morally ambiguous with her interest in the Dark arts, there were just some lines she wouldn't cross. So, if she couldn’t get riches and glory from the Dark Lord, she’d do so by other means; potions.

There was an old wizard named Henry Zookles looking for an apprentice so that he could pass on his knowledge to them. His application process had been simple; he required information about Severessa’s educational background and a transcript of her grades. In addition, she had to come to his apothecary one evening and make whatever potion he requested. The brews had to be done based on the random ingredients and equipment he had laid out for her, and from memory; she was to receive no help from him and couldn't reference a book. Of course, Severessa remembered every recipe corresponding to each potion, including her modifications, and had all the potions brewed with remarkable timing. Her skills impressed him, and he found none of her potions to be with error. He told her he’d send her an owl if she got the job.

A letter offering her a position as his apprentice arrived two days later. She was set to work with him from 6 in the morning to 2 in the afternoon. He was an early bird and did not like stragglers; you were either there on time or dismissed from that day’s work. If you were three days late without an appropriate excuse, he removed you from your position, and you did not receive that week’s pay. As the wizarding world did not have as many rights and laws protecting employees to prevent employers from committing such a move, Zookles had every right to do this. This was no matter to Severessa as she was prone to being punctual; she saw tardiness as indicative of laziness.

She also had to wear specific attire whenever she came to work; long dark robes (specially crafted with Zookles’s insignia), gloves, protective goggles, and flats. These were to be worn at all times. She thought some of these to be extreme as she never had to wear gloves or goggles during her potion classes, but she supposed that meant the potion work was of enormous and dangerous magnitudes.

Her first day as an apprentice was cold; it was winter and dark outside. Her long nose was red, and she kept sniffling every so often as she got ready to apparate. Her childhood house in Cokeworth, which she now lived in by herself at 19, had no heating and thus explained her plight. The world around her shifted as she apparated to the main room of Zookle’s home in the countryside. Usually, apparition did not physically affect her, but with her cold and tired state, she began falling as soon as she landed. She managed to catch herself just in time but wasn’t able to prevent the sneeze that soon followed. 

“Bless you,” came a voice behind her, and Severessa found herself freezing at the sound. Her eyes widened, for one, because of who owned the voice and second, because a giant snot bubble had resulted from her sneezing, and if the person she thought was behind her was, in fact, behind her, it would be terribly embarrassing to face him.

She discreetly used scourgify to clean up her nose and slowly turned around. Her ears hadn’t deceived her; Lial Evans, her childhood best friend-turned - well, she wasn’t exactly sure what they were anymore; enemies? Acquaintances? - stood opposite of her. His red hair had been combed upwards, and the freckles she used to adore counting on his face when they were children were not as numerous as the last time she had seen him. Despite this, he was still as handsome as she remembered. His green eyes met hers briefly before they suddenly averted her. He made an awkward face. That’s when Severessa thought that perhaps he hadn’t realized it was her when he had spoken. He had said his words out of instinct. This would make sense since he hadn’t spoken to her since their late-night meeting in the Gryffindor corridor years ago. 

Severessa thought she should do the same and avoid eye contact with him, but something made her pause. He was wearing the same attire as her. What was going on?

“Ah, you two made it. And you’re ten minutes early. Great for the first day. Let’s see if you both can keep it up,” came Zookles, who had just entered the room. His clothes matched theirs. He looked them both up and down. “You both are wearing the assigned dress wear, too. Splendid. I am guessing you all know each other given that you both were in the same year at Hogwarts or…?” he trailed off, shooting them both a questioning look. 

Severessa couldn’t keep herself from glancing at Lial to see his response. But he didn’t even look at her. He cleared his throat. “Yes, we shared some classes,” was his short reply to the potion master. 

If Zookles noticed the uncomfortable atmosphere between the two young adults, he didn’t reveal it. “Good, then we can skip past the introductions and get straight to the plans I have for today. Allow me to show you a tour of the place and tell you more about myself.” Severessa had difficulty focusing on anything the man said with Lial beside her.

So apparently, the man wasn’t looking for just one apprentice. That would have been nice to know. Severessa preferred working alone (unless it was the person walking next to her, ironically, before their fallout), and if she had known as much, she would have looked for work elsewhere.

She suddenly started weighing her options. She could leave the position; it was only her first day, and there were still other job opportunities. It would probably be the better thing to do anyway, given that she was already proving to herself that she couldn’t focus while being close to Lial, and he was making it very clear he didn’t want anything to do with her. But…this could also be a chance for her to make things right between them again. And wasn’t that all she ever wanted?

She jumped out of her thoughts as she nearly bumped into Lial’s back. He hadn’t noticed, thankfully. They had suddenly stopped again in the main room, having finished the tour. An hour had passed. She blinked. How had the time gone by so fast?

Zookles turned back towards them. “Well, that’s it for today. I figured I’d go easy on you for the first day but be prepared for some hard work tomorrow. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask.” He paused, giving them a chance to speak up. He waved them off when neither did. “As always, be back here at 6. Dismissed.”

Severessa’s heart began to race as she looked at Lial, wondering if he intended to apparate from her as soon as possible. She wasn’t sure what made her do what she did next. Maybe all of the sleep deprivation from the cold night before and getting back late from the Death Eater meeting was finally catching up to her and causing her not to think straight. Or maybe something in the air at this powerful old wizard’s house suddenly made her grow bold. For whatever reason, Severessa found herself reaching out for Lial’s hand before he could even think to apparate away. Saying he looked taken aback by her action would be an understatement. He jerked away from her.

“Sorry, I - I don't know what came over me," she said, embarrassed. Lial stared at her. He looked like he was about to try and leave anyway, so she spoke up again. "Wait. I mean, can we speak for a moment?"

Lial's face became blank. For a second, she thought he was going to deny her the request, but he surprised her. He looked away. “What is it, Snape?” His tone wasn't kind; it was short. Clipped.

“I - “ Severessa wasn’t entirely sure what she wanted to say. There were thousands upon thousands of things she wanted to tell him, of course, things that she had always wanted to say, but none of those things were appropriate enough to speak with the way things were currently between them, especially not in the main room of their employer’s house. 

“I...” she began again, searching for words. “...I'm sorry about what happened back then. But maybe we could leave the past behind us and start anew. Especially with us working together now? I haven't eaten breakfast yet. Maybe we could catch up over some tea or -"

“No,” Lial said firmly, cutting her off. "Is that all?"

Severessa deflated. She supposed offering tea had been a bit much. "No...No, I guess not," she finally stated lamely.

Lial apparated without another word. 

She let out a deep breath. She supposed keeping her distance and respecting Lial’s wishes was still the best thing she could do.