Sirius steps up to the mic and cradles it between his hands gently. The room is still dark save for the bit of dim red color that illuminates them on stage. Sirius steals a glance over his shoulder to see James, who has his electric guitar pick between his teeth as he bends down and untangles some of the chords by his feet, and Peter who is settling down behind the piano and getting his hands ready above the keys.
And then he sees Remus.
Remus who is standing just a few feet behind him in his baggy jumper with his soft waves which look darker than normal in the light, falling over his eyes as he adjusts the bass in his hands. Remus curses softly under his breath then looks up for a moment and catches Sirius' eye. His breath hitches. They both stop moving and stay like that for a fleeting second; just a second where they remain searching each other's eyes. Remus’ look like endless pools of dark brown and his scars look electrifying with the lingering sweat which is beading down his temples from the performance they just gave.
Sirius blinks and then they both look away. As Sirius faces forward once more he pushes his thoughts of Remus to the back of his mind and looks out at where the crowd will be once the curtain reveals them for their final song.
It wasn't long after their fight seven nights ago that Sirius wrote the song that they’re about to perform. In the morning- despite him and Remus refusing to look each other in the eye- he told the rest of the Marauders he wanted to turn these lyrics into a proper song. James and Peter had eagerly asked to see what he had so far, but when he told them he wouldn't reveal the lyrics until after they wrote the music and during their next performance, they both scowled. They've never done their songs this way; always writing and composing together as one, lyrics and all. But the moment Sirius lifted his pen from the tear stained paper he was feverishly scribbling on, he knew this one couldn't be shared- not yet. He had been breathing heavily after bearing his soul onto the page, and he knew he couldn't share what he had created until they were on the stage.
He told himself that it was because of some bizarre writer's notion about increasing the song's impact, that he wouldn't share the lyrics just yet. That's what he told himself instead of admitting that it was the thought of having to look at Remus while the lyrics left his lips that was really stopping him. If the first time Remus heard the song was during their performance then it would already be done, and Sirius could look out at the crowd and try to forget the man who would be playing along to his greatest confession right behind him.
And so James and Peter had ended up relenting. James had put on a light smile as he placed a hand on Sirius’ shoulder and told him it better be worth it. Peter called him a “pretentious wanker” with a joking shake of his head, then had moved to collect the sheet music. When Sirius could no longer look away his eyes had found Remus’. He was standing behind James and Peter with the slightest frown and crinkle between his brow, not saying a word. Sirius didn't know how to read him.
He gets drawn out of his thoughts as the curtains start drawing up and the sounds of screams start to echo all around them. Sirius can faintly hear James call out a “You all ready?” to just the four of them and Sirius turns around briefly to give him a nod while Peter smiles in the affirmative. Remus just stands there with his long fingers poised at the strings and ready to play. He's looking purposely out at the crowd and nowhere else.
Sirius turns back around to the barely visible, and screaming crowd. He takes a steadying breath in while tucking a loose strand of hair behind his silver adorned ear, then plasters on a smile; though one a bit less extravagant than he would normally offer. “Bloody hell you lot are excited.” He says as the curtain goes completely out of sight.
The screams intensify in response and Sirius can't help but chuckle. He hears James and Peter chuckle into their mics as well.
“We do have one more song for tonight.” He says as he starts to look into the eyes of some of the people he can just make out in the low light, and he can feel his heart rate picking up now; seeing their smiling and eager faces. He still hasn't processed what he's about to do. That he’s about to share the song that he wrote at his most vulnerable- the song that bears him the most raw to the world.
But if he's honest with himself it's not the world he's worried about.
It’s the tall, lovely man behind him whose scars Sirius wishes he was kissing and whose body he wishes he was caressing with soft and intimate touches. But Remus had stormed out of his room that night with anger in his eyes, and his shoulders tense as he slammed the door shut. And Sirius had let him go without a word. Maybe this is a bad idea . “And maybe this is a bad idea,” Sirius continues with a small huff of laughter despite the way those words actually make him ache with fear. “but we're performing this song for the first time tonight, in more ways than one-”
“Yeah ‘cause this sneaky bastard won’t let us hear the lyrics.” James interrupts into his mic and Sirius looks back to give him a glare as the crowd starts laughing. James winks at him with a grin and then flips him the bird. It's almost enough to make Sirius’ smile as big as it should be.
“He's rather bossy.” Peter chimes in, and the crowd laughs even more.
“Piss off you two.” Sirius grumbles, and as he turns back he sees Remus out of the corner of his eye watching him. Sirius clears his throat and looks forward quickly. “Uh anyways, here's uh- here's the song. It's a bit… well, I'll just let you guys hear it.”
The room starts to buzz with anticipation which starkly contrasts the way the lighting dims to an even more mellow glow. All dramatic and dark colors that you almost can't tell are illuminating them, but you also wouldn't want to see them without. Sirius hears the first key on the piano sound, and he closes his eyes and lets it settle into his bones before placing his lips close to the mic.
“My lover’s got humor …”
Sirius knows even with his eyes shut that Remus has tensed from behind him. It's the fraction of a second where he hesitates on the first strum of his bass, and he knows Remus is probably wearing that gorgeous, bloody gorgeous frown of his which equally infuriates Sirius and also makes him fall even more madly in love with him.
“He’s the giggle at a funeral. Knows everybody's disapproval. Should've worshiped him sooner.”
Sirius opens his eyes now and presses his body closer to the mic stand as he tilts his head and sings even more fully. He can feel the tension in the crowd; the way they’re listening to him sing with more reverence.
“If the heavens ever did speak, he's the last true mouthpiece. Every sundays getting more bleak. A fresh poison each week. ”
Goosebumps quickly creep along his arms and he tries to sink into it. He can feel James and Peter getting more comfortable with the music behind him as they all slowly become one harmonious sound.
“‘We were born sick.’ You heard them say it. My church offers no absolutes. He tells me ‘Worship in the bedroom.’ ’”
The bass faintly stutters, and before the fear can stop him, he turns indulgently; mic still held in between his hands so Remus can come into view. And god, the look Remus is giving him. Full of confusion, and questions, and the most beautiful thing Sirius has ever seen.
Sirius feels himself get lost in the lyrics, lost in the music, and lost in Remus. He uses that to keep his eyes trained on him while he sings the next part. His heart starts to ache just a bit with fear but his lips are opening to speak before he can let that stop him.
“The only heaven I'll be sent to, is when I'm alone with you. ” Something flashes in Remus’ eyes as they widen; something that cant be hidden by the deep red and purple lights on his face, and some of the tension in his jaw slackens as his lips part. “ I was born sick, but I love it. Command me to be well. ”
Sirius closes his eyes again and turns forward once more. He can't focus on anything other than the lyrics. Not what Remus may be thinking, or what he's just said, or how he is honestly; truly; and completely bearing his heart open and powerless for Remus to take.
It's different with everybody else in the room. They may think they know bits of what the song means, they may grasp pieces, but no one will truly hear it the way Remus can. It frightens him, but he just grips the metal tighter between his fingers and tries to ignore it.
“Amen…Amen…Amen…” Sirius lets the sound of the piano strengthen, then sings with everything he has. “Take me to church, I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I’ll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife, offer me my deathless death, good god, let me give you my life.”
He takes a breath after releasing the last word and everything shifts. Everyone in the crowd grows a little bit more vocal and the tension rises in the air as the lyrics sink in between them like thick oil. The music is louder now; the keys more powerful, and Sirius is singing with every fiber of his soul as he pours himself into it. Thoughts of his mother flash through his mind- years of prayer, worship, and sin. And then memories of Remus fight forward, the memories of his hands and his lips and his words, and all the times Sirius has kissed his scars and caressed his body with soft and gentle hands.
Sirius has never believed in a God. But sometimes he looks at Remus and he thinks that might just change. Remus is everything holy and more- it breaks his heart just the same as it is the only thing that keeps it beating.
The crowd becomes more entranced as the song continues, not singing so much as becoming a part of the choir. A new church. It ends with a last chord on the piano being played and drawn out by Peter.
There is a beat before the crowd goes wild.
Sirius is panting, and can only manage a wave goodbye as the curtain comes down once more and he slumps into himself while he holds onto the mic stand to keep himself steady. He closes his eyes and tries to get his breathing under control and his heart to stop pounding.
That felt… that felt fucking amazing. It felt like the shedding of a skin and becoming anew, it felt like ripping himself open for the world to see and being praised for it. It felt like committing his greatest sin and his greatest holy act all at once.
Slowly, he opens his eyes and lets his hands drop to his side. He straightens up and when he turns around all three of them are staring at him with their chests heaving from playing so hard. James is just slack and still; looking at him like he can hardly believe what just happened, and Peter looks like he’s waiting to see what will happen next.
Remus looks like he is a burning flame about to consume them all. He takes off the strap of his bass and carelessly sets it aside without taking his eyes off him. Sirius releases a small gasp in surprise. Remus loves that bass, and he has never once set it aside so carelessly. Sirius doesn't have long to think about that though, before his mind shifts to Remus as he pushes his way forward until he's standing right in front of him. His face is only a few inches away as he looks down and breathes hard, Sirius feels his heart stutter.
They just stand there staring at each other and Sirius can feel James and Peters eyes on them. Remus looks beautifully flustered after a show. He has sweat wetting some of the hair at the front of his face, a certain gleam to his complexion that makes his scars blend in with him like ripples of water; the perfect amount of disruption and harmony. His lips are parted as he breathes hot air that Sirius can just barely feel skimming his face. He tries his absolute hardest to keep looking into Remus’ eyes, and not at his lips which make him think about how badly he wants to taste them.
“The lyrics.” Remus breathes. “You didn't share them with us.”
This isn't what Sirius is expecting and yet he responds without hesitation. “I didn't.”
“You…” Remus doesn't look like he knows what he even wants to say, and his eyes are flitting between Sirius’ with a flurry of emotions. What do they say after that? I’m sorry? I shouldn't have left? I shouldn't have let you leave?
“I…” Sirius falters. He must have used up all of his words while singing that song because now he’s left mute. He wasn't sure what sharing it would accomplish, whether that would help heal them or if it would make the wound deeper. All he knows now is that he wants Remus more than he has ever wanted anything in his life. “I don't know what to-”
“That was… I mean, Sirius .” Remus interrupts incredulously and Sirius- not for the first time- hasn’t the faintest idea what Remus Lupin is thinking.
“It was about you.” Sirius says all of the sudden. Without thought. “It's always about you.”
He sees Remus’ eyes widen just a bit. He doesn't quite know what it means, just that the next second Remus’ grabbing Sirius by the back of his neck and pulling him in for a hungry kiss.
Sirius only stands in shock for a moment before his body registers his craving being satisfied and he fists the back of Remus’ sweater greedily; pulling him in. Remus grips his waist with his free hand without a hint of shame. Their lips are pressed together and they don't make it any deeper but they hold on. They take a moment just to hold on. And then Remus pulls back with a shaky breath, resting their foreheads together as they pant and their breathing becomes one. Sirius’ feels like he still hasn't come down all the way from the high of the song and he’s trapped in a place where his mind is only whirling with the thought of forgive me, forgive me, forgive me. Remus is looking at him under dark eyelashes and Sirius can't help but bring his hand up to his cheek and run the pad of his thumb tenderly under his eye.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius whispers into the air between them. “I'm sorry for what I said, and I'm sorry I let you go.”
Remus holds his gaze. “I’m sorry I left.”
Sirius looks at him for a moment before he leans in next to his ear and whispers. “You're the only heaven I've ever known, Remus Lupin. The only thing worth praising. I'll get down on my knees and prove it to you if I must.”
Remus huffs out a helpless laugh. “You’re… you'll be the death of me, that's what.”
“Well we can't have that.” Sirius whispers with a faint smile as he pulls back. “Who else will be here to drive me mad?”
“You drive me mad.”
“I'm mad about you.”
Remus smiles. “I'm mad about you too.”
“Get a room you two.” Peter says and it makes them both jolt in place as they drop their hands from one another and turn around. Sirius completely forgot they were even there, and he sees Peter sitting on his piano bench with his face scrunched up in disgust while James is leaning against the back wall with his arms crossed and a smug smile on his face.
“Prick.” Sirius and Remus say at the same time and it makes all of them laugh.
James pushes himself off the wall and takes a few steps forward. “I'm glad you’ve both made up because I absolutely need to make fun of you about those lyrics, mate.”
Sirius scoffs in disbelief as he stares at him with his mouth agape. He takes a few steps forward. “Those lyrics , are the best I have ever written and you damn well know it.”
James bats his eyelashes and mocks him with a cooing voice, “There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin- ”
He is quickly interrupted by Sirius launching himself at him and they both wrestle until they are on the ground in a pile of limbs and are throwing out sporadic kicks and shoves.
“You wanker!” Sirius shouts from in the mix as he gets James' head under him and starts to ruffle his hair. James reaches out to grab his leg and yank. “That line is poetic .”
“It's disgusting is what it is.” James says between a laugh while he struggles to get away from Sirius’ attempt to pinch him.
“Prongs is just jealous that you haven't written such a passion charged song about him.” Remus says. Sirius pokes his head up from between James’ arms and sees him watching them with an unimpressed look, though he can't hide the way his mouth quirks up slightly at the corner.
James instantly stops and moves to sit up which makes Sirius fall to the ground with a yelp. “I'll have you know Remus, that this is not a proclamation of jealousy so much as it is a plea for you two not to fight anymore. We need to be spared from more of… wait what was that song called Padfoot?”
“Take me to church.”
James and Peter both groan. “Even the name is insufferable.”
“I loved it.” Remus says a bit quieter now and Sirius meets his eye with a gentle smile.
“Well of course you do. It was the most bloody romantic thing I've ever heard.” James says casually.
“I thought you didn't like it?” Sirius asks with a smirk. James takes his glasses off his face and rubs the lenses with the hem of his shirt. He stays seated on the floor and doesn’t look up when he responds.
“Of course I liked it. It’s obviously the best thing you've ever written and the lyrics are probably something that could be classified as lyrical genius.” He looks up now and meets Sirius’ eye as he pushes his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. “But I'm your bestfriend so I'm not very well going to tell you that, am I?”
“You just did.” Sirius retorts with absolutely no venom but his hands come up to protect his face when James chucks something on the floor at him.
They’re both laughing as Remus tells them to get up and they do; brushing off their knees. Remus clears his throat to get their attention and when they both look at him again Remus motions to the door with his head. “Now piss off so I can talk to Sirius alone.”
James tsks as he turns around and walks over to Peter; extending a hand to help him up as he does.
“You’re both bossy.” Peter murmurs and Remus flips him off which makes Sirius chuckle under his breath.
They leave with James tossing a ‘No sex near the instruments, lads.’ over his shoulder while he and Peter dissolve into giggles. Sirius can't help the embarrassed flush that spreads onto his cheeks even as Remus rolls his eyes.
“I think we should kick them out of the band.” Remus says with no hint of sarcasm. Sirius tips his head back in a laugh.
“I’m not kidding. I think we could make it, just us two.”
“I think we wouldn't last a year.”
Remus smiles and reaches out an arm to pull Sirius into him. Sirius huffs as he hits Remus’ chest but looks up at him adoringly anyways.
“I’d give us nine months.” Remus retorts with a quirk of an eyebrow.
“I’m betting on six.”
“Well,” Remus starts and he tucks a strand of Sirius hair behind his ear; following the action with his eyes as he does. “I guess that's a risk we’ll just have to take.”
Sirius laughs and Remus looks at him fondly. All Sirius can do as his laughter dies down is continue smiling. Remus is so, so lovely.
“I love you.” Sirius says simply. “And I don't like when we fight.”
“I love you too.” Remus presses a gentle kiss to the corner of his mouth then pulls back. “And as much as fighting sucks it happens to everyone. We aren’t special.”
“I think we are.”
Remus blushes and Sirius has to kiss each cheek for it. “Loving you is unlike anything else.” He whispers against his skin and instead of pulling back he drags his lips over to Remus’ and Remus tilts his head to capture his lips gingerly between his own. It starts out slow and soft, then gets a bit deeper as they press closer together. They get lost in one another's touch as they drag themselves to a room in the back. One that's dark and quiet and allows for it to just be them.
And though they were both born sick, they absolutely love it.