Dear Remus,
Do you remember? That night when you found me sitting on the curb. I don’t know what I was doing there but nothing shocked me more than seeing your beat up trainers suddenly stopped before me. And I hate to say it. I fucking hate it but the fact that I was on the curb no longer mattered. Because you were there. You came to me. You asked to walk me home.
But then I saw your face and jesus christ Remus it’s like every single one of your fucking thoughts live in those eyes. I knew you weren’t okay and so of course - of course - I had to steady you. I had to reach out because I knew you needed me. Even when I was the one on the curb, I had to carry you. And I think that was it. The moment when I fell in. I fell into the rapids of your heart. Not willingly - I don’t think. It was like you pushed me in. And I could never tell you this because you care. That’s the worst part Remus - you care so goddamn much and hearing this would break you. But you pushed me in Remus. And I fell. I struggled - nearly fucking drowned - all because my feet couldn’t touch the bottom of you. But for all those years I treaded through, I treaded your waters just to keep me afloat.
But I don’t regret you. I don’t think I ever fucking could, but I wish, jesus fucking christ, I wish I could. Why did you have to be my magnet every summer I saw you. Drawing me in with everything about you. The way you said my name still haunts me. I swear I can hear it around every corner. In bed next to me. In every single fucking room I’m in. But I know why I can’t regret you. It’s hit me after all these years. I’ll never be able to regret you, regret what we have - or had I don’t even fucking know anymore - because I was the best to you. For you. With you. You couldn’t have made a better choice Remus and that’s what’s so bloody infuriatingly funny about this. You couldn’t have stuck your tongue down the throat of somebody who loves you more than I do.
And that’s why I’m here. And I hate it. I hate it so much that I know if you were to reach out to me I would go running back. Sprinting back. Because I’m still trying to tread Remus. The fucking lake isn’t even here anymore and I’m still trying to tread. Because I’m so scared if I stop I’ll drown. I’m so so close to drowning in you. You who is blissfully unaware. And the worst part is, that makes me happy. Remus why the fuck am I happily drowning all because you don’t know I am. Why am I here waiting for the next time you want me like a fucking dog with a bird at your door.
I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I’m writing this or what this means but I just can’t stop. My mind literally only exists for you. It’s replaying our memories over and over like your fucking bowie record with that scratch I couldn’t get you to throw away. Right now, I’m stuck in 92. The year before I stopped floating and you started flying. The year before my life stopped and yours was resurrected. The year Tears in Heaven came out.
We fucking hated Tears in Heaven. I'm laughing even now. We hated it so fucking much. Every time we heard it playing somewhere we would lose our shit. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, you were there. Maybe I’m scared you don’t remember. Because why would you. I was just the lifeboat bringing you to your shore. Jesus fucking christ I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I just keep remembering that moment when you found out what the song was about. The look of heartbreak that came over your face - the look of understanding. I hated it. Us hating Tears in Heaven suddenly became we hate Tears in Heaven, but we’re sad that his baby died. The song was no longer our thing - our moment - our shared hatred that I fucking clung to. It was tainted by your past. The past no one deserves to have, especially not you. But in this moment it hurt me. And I know it’s fucking selfish and makes me a bloody asshole but I was somehow jealous of this getting taken from us. I worked so goddamn hard to pull you out of your shadows and yet it was still here, stealing our moments away from us. And so what did we do? We fucking fought of course. We do nothing better than bicker as you know. And we fought about John fucking Lennon of all things until I cried and went to bed upset. Upset and alone. I felt so empty that night. You never joined me in bed and I was upset, and cold, and alone, and from all of that, what came of it? I felt remorseful. I felt so fucking bad Remus. I felt like the worst person to ever live because I had the audacity to feel jealous of losing our moment all because your friends fucking died. I mean who does that?? I still don’t know if I have -had, the right to feel that way.
But I had a dream that night after I finally drifted off to sleep. It was my birthday and you were singing and you were happy. Jesus christ Remus, I’d never seen you smiling so big. I remember it was fucking nautical themed or some shit which I now realize is too metaphorical to not be funny. But in the dream I remember seeing you smiling. I remember seeing you happy. And I wanted to tell you something. There was something I was supposed to say but for the life of me I just couldn’t fucking remember. And so I sat there, gaping like a goddamn fish out of water on my own birthday. Because all that mattered was you. You were happy Remus and that's all I wanted - that’s all I’ll ever want I think. I’d do anything for you Remus. Still. Even now, after everything. If I could give you the fucking moon, I’d give you the fucking moon. And seeing as how the moon is quite literally the bloody bane of your existence, take from that what you will.
Writing that down is different from saying it. Jesus christ I want to give you the moon. I want to throw a bag over it and bring it down to you like a carefully wrapped package binding down all your problems.
Remus you’re my moon. Bloody hell I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to realize it, but you are my moon. With each face you turn, each phase you face, my life is affected, upturned, where you go I follow. Even when I don’t want to, you draw me to you. You’re my bloody magnet - my moon. You may be Sirius’ fucking moony but you’re my moon Remus.
I don’t know why I’m drawn to you - like a fucking moth to a flame. I don’t know if it was because you were broken and I wanted - no - needed to fix you. I don’t know. I don’t know. Jesus FUCKING christ I don’t know. But you’re sick Remus. I don’t know if you’re married, and fucking hell you might be dying. Or dead. Bloody hell please don’t be dead.
Jesus fucking christ please just answer my letters. That’s all I want. Remus I need you to answer me. I need you to be alive. I need you Remus. I need my river. I need to drown. I can still feel how you held me like water in your hands. Like I could slip away any moment if you didn’t hold on tight enough as if you aren’t the one who would slip away from me. It was always you Remus. Everything is you.
Do you remember when we found that dead little bird outside out our flat and you started crying? Remus. Love. My magnet. My moon. I hope you know the killer doesn’t understand.
Please understand.
- Grant