September 1977
Remus swallowed thickly. He was now distinctly aware of the situation, the reality of it all crashing into him like a wave. He was truly, and deeply, in love with Sirius. No, it was more than that really, Remus wanted to spend the rest of his life with him by his side.
Remus’ hands shook a little as he lit his cigarette. If Sirius picked up on it, Remus would play it off, tell him he’s just cold.
But Sirius doesn’t notice, too busy lighting his own cigarette.
It was the last day of the summer, they would return to Hogwarts for the last time the next morning. Remus supposes that’s what lead to this grand realization. He was thinking about his future, what he’d do after school ended. And truthfully, he knew he’d probably end up working some low-wage job for the ministry, and living in some flat in London with Peter and Sirius, that had been the plan for a few years now.
The two of them sat huddled up behind The Potter’s home, smoking the cigarettes they weren’t supposed to have but had been craving all day, mindless chatter about the future spilling from their lips. They placed bets on how long it would take for James and Lily to tie the knot once they were out of school. Remus said three months, Sirius thinks they’ll elope right away. Remus agreed that would be a possibility, they’ve been crazy about each other for so long now.
The smile Sirius wore sent a bolt of lightening right to Remus’ stomach. He was so perfect in every way possible.
Remus had known for years that he’d had a crush on Sirius. But that’s all it was. At least that’s all it was supposed to be. He doesn’t entirely know when it changed, and he was sure he’d spend countless hours searching every memory he had of Sirius trying to work out what caused this, but he’d do that later, not now, when he had him all to himself. Remus ashes his cigarette.
Sirius leaned against an old fence that wrapped around the back deck, picking mindlessly at the dried, old, blue paint that once covered the wood. Seemingly, lost in a few thoughts of his own. “I brought the Flask.” Remus then said, breaking up the silence. “No way…you actually got that back?” Sirius replied. He chuckled in amazement when Remus pulled it out of this flannel pocket.
And there it was, still shiny, it’s leather holder still had their initials carved into it.
Back in the beginning of their Fifth year, Remus and Sirius managed to enchant the flask to never run out of whiskey. The two of them plus Peter, James, and Lily occasionally, would sneak out to the greenhouses and drink their fill, Remus often bringing it to quidditch matches as well. It wasn’t until last semester they’d got caught. Severus had spotted the the four of them sneaking in one night, and of course, harboring as much hatred as he did for them, turned them in. Mcgonagall was disappointed, taking 100 house points, the flask, and sentencing them to a week’s detention as well as banning them from the rest of the hogsmeade trips that year.
“I borrowed James’ cloak before the end of the year. During exams i snuck into filtch’s office, and replaced it with a different one.” Remus explained. “But um, I think this should stay between us. James and Pete go a little overboard sometimes…” Sirius nodded. “Completely understand. Just between us, i promise.” Sirius stuck out his pinky, practically beaming at Remus. He linked their pinkies and handed Sirius the flask. He bit back the urge to proclaim his love right then and there, the three words dying on his tongue. Moments like these serve as a reminder of how important Sirius really was to him. As much as he wanted to shout it from the rooftops Remus couldn’t ruin this. He couldn’t ruin them. He couldn’t lose Sirius under any circumstances.
Remus loved his other friends of course, they meant absolutely everything to him.
— but Sirius was different. There was simply no living without Sirius at this point. Remus would be empty. A soulless shell without him. He’d be better off kissing a dementor.
“I haven’t drank in so long.” Sirius said honestly. “Already feel a little warm.” He offered Remus the flask back, and then pushed his long, black hair out of his face.
Remus took a swig off the flask. He was thankful for the distraction, his thoughts not quite as loud in the aftermath. It burned as it slid down his throat.
The same warm feeling began to bloom in his stomach.
“Me either.” Remus sighed. His friend took another drink. “We should head inside if we’re gonna keep drinking that. Don’t think James will be too happy if he has to help you to bed.” Remus told him, observing the pink dotting Sirius’ pale cheeks, as it always did when he drank.
“Probably right. In a minute though, it feels nice.”
“What does?” Remus asked, cocking his head slightly.
Sirius doesn’t respond for a moment.
“This. Sitting here, just you and I, indulging in our favorite pastimes.” He stops talking, but it didn’t look like he was finished.
“You’re right. It is nice. I’ve missed you this summer, Pads.”
Remus doesn’t feel as embarrassed about that admission as he normally would. Possibly because it was Sirius, and there wasn’t a single person he felt safer with.
“I missed you too. A lot.”
There’s a look in his eyes when he said it. A warm flicker that Remus had never noticed before.
He couldn’t peel his eyes away. Sirius was perfect in every way. How could he not have seen this before.
They’re sneaking back in through Sirius’ window a cigarette and a few sips later. Remus’ head was spinning. What was that look for? That wasn’t a Normal Sirius look. At least, not the kind that Sirius normally gave him. It was making Remus short circuit. Every word Sirius said, every action had Remus on high alert; he’d felt like he’d been electrocuted when Sirius’ pale, skinny hands helped him in the window. Every hair on his body stood on end when Sirius was stood closer than normal.
he let himself breathe normally again when Sirius stepped away to sit on the bed.
Sirius’ black hair spread like black ink on a white page when he laid back on the white sheets.
“Remus…can you promise me something?” Asked Sirius only a moment later.
“Two promises in one night?” Remus jokes, deciding to take a seat next to him. But Sirius doesn’t joke back.
“Of Course. Anything. Anything for you.”
Sirius turns on his side, and looked up at Remus.
He was like a work of art. His face and ears were tinted red from the alcohol and the cooling air. His wavy black hair falling in his face and over his shoulders. Remus was at his mercy. He’d give him the moon right this second if he could.
“Promise me you won’t leave me.” He whispers carefully.
“Leave you? Sirius why would i leave you?”
“I don’t know. It’s just…we’re graduating, things are bound to change. I don’t want to lose you.”
“I promise. I’ll never leave you. Ever.”
Sirius’ smile returns, and again, Remus feels like he’s on fire. That’s all he wants in life, to make Sirius happy.
Remus takes another drink off the flask and so does Sirius.
Remus craved more than anything to reach over and touch him in some way, but he doesn’t. Fear glues his hands in place. The moment would be perfect if Remus wasn’t so nervous. That look appears in Sirius’ eyes again.
Warmth. Adoration. Affection.
Words were stuck on his tongue, close to fighting their way out. How could they not, when Sirius was shifting closer, his head falling in Remus’ lap. When he continued to look at Remus like that, and when his cheeks were stained with a different kind of pink. No, this one wasn’t entirely motivated by alcohol. There was something else there.
Remus’ fingers ran through Sirius’ hair. Should he say it? Should he tell Sirius how in love he really was? The question was nagging at him, his heart beating a million miles a second.
This was possibly the scariest moment in his life, but he’d never been more sure of something in his entire life.
So he did it.
“Sirius can I tell you something,” Remus asked, his voice uneven and shaking. This caught Sirius’ attention. He sits up a little bit. God, he was so close to him. Remus could smell the clove and black pepper cologne he was wearing. Concern was moving into his face.
“Moons? What is it?”
Remus swallows a little, taking a deep breath.
“I love you. So fucking much.”
Remus’ words soak in. An unmistakable expression crossing his face.
Relief.
“What—fuck, Remus I love you too.” Sirius studdered. Sirius frantically pulls Remus into a hug, holding him as close to him as humanly possible.
He holds him just as tight of course. He felt like fireworks were going off under his skin and inside his head. Sirius, in that moment, was the only thing keeping him grounded.
“How long have you felt this way?” Sirius asked into Remus’ hair.
“Since the beginning.” Remus said into Sirius’ shirt. Now that was embarrassing to admit. Remus’ face feels hot as he hides it further into Sirius’ chest.
“What the fuck, you could’ve been my boyfriend like 5 years ago! Why didn’t you say anything!”
Remus snaps his head up. Sirius has liked him since 2ND YEAR? Remus felt like he could explode right now.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Remus enquirers instead.
“I didn’t know you liked boys!”
“How? I wasn’t exactly secretive!”
Sirius pouts a little bit. “I confessed my love to you and now you’re interrogating me.”
Remus playfully rolls his eyes, but he knows it has zero effect given the love sick expression he wore.
“How will you ever forgive me.” Remus whispers jokingly.
“Kiss me.”
And who is Remus to deny him, and himself? He’s dreamed about this for years. He’s gentle about it, his hands carefully skimmed his arms, and his back, slowly taking the back of his neck in his scarred hands. Remus drew him in, kissing him slowly, but deeply. Sirius’ lips are just as soft as they’ve looked for years. Remus lets him steal the oxygen from his lungs, he kissed him until he couldn’t breathe anymore, letting Sirius tangle his hands as deeply into his hair as he wanted. He didn’t care what Sirius did, he could ruin Remus in anyway he wanted.
He felt as if he was meant to be this close to Sirius, like loving him was entirely what he was born to do.
“I love you beyond words. It’s not even funny.” Remus breathed out, forehead to forehead with Sirius.
“You’re gonna kill me if you keep talking like that.” He said shakily.
“Can’t die on me yet, I’ve only kissed you once.” Remus hums. Sirius kisses him again. And again. And again.
Remus lets him sit on his lap as he continued to leave soft kisses across his cheeks and forehead. Remus didn’t mind, he’d let him stay there as long as he wanted.
He caught Sirius’ lips again. And before long, Sirius’ long black hair was caught between his fingers. If it was possible to get drunk off a person, Remus would be right this moment. There was not a single person more intoxicating than Sirius Black.
“Pads,” Remus chuckled, when Sirius’ lips made their way to his neck, feather light before latching onto one spot. “What’re you doing?”
“Gotta mark my territory, scare off those other bitches.” Sirius mutters against his skin. There would be a purple spot that would undoubtedly be seen by anyone that looked. “All yours, my love. Wouldn’t want anyone else.”
Sirius pulls away. “My Love? I like the sound of that.” He replies honestly.
“My Love it is then.”
— And Sirius beams at him brighter than the sun. Never had Remus seen or held something so pretty.