The journey back to Hogwarts was a quiet one.
Harry felt as if his senses were dulled, barely feeling the sting of the cuts and bruises he’d acquired during the last three hours.Even his scar, which had seared with pain and felt as if it would rip apart to sever his head into two, felt numbed now.
All he was really aware of was the warmth from Sirius’s hand, who gripped his arm tightly, his hold both comforting and distressing.
The sunny atmosphere of Dumbledore’s office filled Harry with more anxiety than relief. Maybe it was because the last time he’d been here, he’d watched Dumbledore flee away from Umbridge and Fudge, leaving Harry behind feeling completely alone and helpless. Maybe because he had been desperate for access to it and the headmaster a few hours ago when he’d almost been tortured under the cruciatus curse under one of his teachers, feeling hopeless and worried for his safety, his friends safety.
For Sirius’s safety.
He felt a wave of emotions swish through him and to his embarrassment, tears pricked his eyes, fatigue, exhaustion, jitters and anxiety making them burn. Not wanting to talk and deal with anyone, he dropped the portkey that had brought him back home and walked away from his godfather, walking to the armchair near the fireplace and curling up in it. His thoughts raced a thousand miles per second and he closed his eyes, overwhelmed by anything and everything.
Prophecy…..one cannot live while the other survives…..the ministry….Umbridge….Was Ron okay? The brains had almost strangled him to death…..Sirius….
The relief and happiness that had surged through him when a hand had wrenched out from the corner and dragged him to safety during Voldemort and Dumbledore’s duel had bypassed now. Harry could still feel his body trembling as he remembered the exhilaration of seeing Sirius again, seeing his pained but very much alive face, the fear that he was going mad, because he had seen Sirius disappear in to the veil, had chased after Bellatrix to avenge his godfather and above all….the fear that if he had gone mad and was merely hallucinating his godfather’s return….to not have it end.
But he knew now that it had been no mad delusions. Sirius had stuck by his side through it all, had held him when Voldemort had tried to take over him, had shielded him when Fudge and the other Ministry workers had appeared, despite being well aware that he was a wanted convict and a bigger person of interest than Harry, no matter how unfavorable the last year had been towards him.
And even though Harry couldn't see him, he could hear Sirius moving around, doing what, he did not know. He didn’t want to check. He didn’t have the energy to care.
It was odd. You would think that he would want to stick close to the man, to not let him out of his sight, to reassure himself that Sirius was well and truly safe and maybe, after today, even free.
But something had driven up between them. He’d felt it as soon as they’d landed in the office, this wall of bitterness and anger and sullenness. He could feel those same emotions brewing with him and he was far too exhausted to try and shove them away. On his best day, Harry was impulsive and explosive.
And today has been anything but a good day.
The silence between them was tense, only broken by the muttering of the portraits and the keening of Fawkes. Harry wondered idly why Phineas Nigellus hadn’t made any comments yet. Perhaps he was back at Grimmauld place, with Kreacher, the fucking traitor.
‘You went to the ministry because you thought I was in danger.’ It was not a question, more like a confirmation. Harry lifted his head from the hand he’d been resting on and nodded, opening his eyes to stare out the window rather than at his godfather. His tone was clipped, dripping with barely restrained vexation. He’s heard it a few times but it was now that Harry realized just how intimidating the prospect of a telling off from Sirius was.
He gritted his teeth, red coiling anger rearing its ugly head. He didn’t need to be told he was stupid, he didn’t need to be told that it had been dangerous and that he’d caused more trouble than help. He knew that. He hated himself for it. He didn’t need it to be thrown back in his face.
All he wanted to do was sleep.
‘That…’ Sirius began, his voice ominously low to display his displeasure. ‘Was reckless.’
Harry, who had been trying to silently push down the unwanted anger, to just get through the scolding and go to bed, felt it rise up at a rather impressive speed. ‘You’re going to lecture me on recklessness?’
The forced blankness Sirius had forced slipped like silk and what was left was a deep twisted scowl, his gray eyes seeming to have darkened at Harry’s words. ‘What is that supposed to mean?’
Harry should back off. He knows he should. He’s tired and achy and scared and angry. And those are just the emotions he can identify. There seems to be thousands of them raging inside him and he can’t make any sense of them, maybe because he was overwhelmed by everything that had transpired in the last few hours. The fear and guilt of endangering his friends, the burning curiosity and anticipation about the prophecy, the adrenaline from the fight with the death eaters and then….
….then the icy horror and grief that had hit him when Sirius had been killed.
Or seemingly killed. Clearly Harry had misread the situation, had over reacted, because Sirius was alive, frowning at him.
What else had happened after that? Harry wasn’t really sure, it was as if his brain had chosen to dissociate from it all. He remembered red hot anger that had slashed through the ice of fear and loss, fueling his rage and desire to hurt, to punish Bellatrix for taking the last of his family from him. He remembered the hopelessness and resignation when Voldemort had shown up, too lost within his own head to strategize his survival. He remembers a prick of relief when Dumbledore had shown up to fight, the quiet dread and terror as he watched his headmaster duel his greatest enemy. He remembers the jolt of disbelief and uncontrolled happiness when Sirius had rushed to his side during the battle, cradling his cheek as he checked to make sure Harry was okay and then confusion and wariness when the ministry members had shown up and he’d seen a few of them raise their wands at Sirius.
From looking at that alone, Harry would say he was doing a good job of making sense of his own head but it all sounded too dry, too clinical, as if it was that easy and simple. Harry had been a part of the magical world for five years and he was quite used to it being confusing and complex, for lack of better words, at the best of times, but today seemed to have transcended all of that madness.
His emotions were like a tornado, raging within him, never letting him dwell on one thing for too long before being distracted by the other. It was too much. The fear of almost losing Sirius and then the elatedness of having him back were exhausting to work through. He was still unable to shake it off, still felt as if he was mourning a man that was alive, standing just a few feet away from him. He felt the happiness of him being alive be disturbed by the anxiety that it was a cruel joke, that Sirius was going to be dragged away from him again.
How do you even be calm and logical through all that?
‘Kreacher lied to you.’ Sirius said finally, when Harry had been quiet for too long, too lost in his thoughts to answer.
Harry snorted, the sound mirthless. ‘Yeah, I think I figured that part out when Malfoy showed up.’
‘This isn’t a joking matter!’ Sirius snapped, his long disheveled hair making him seem madder. For a moment, Harry saw a glimpse of the Sirius he had met two years ago, still on the run, deranged from the dementors and enraged for revenge. ‘Kreacher’s lie was despicable and rest assured, I’ll deal with him when I get time, but you are no more innocent in his foolishness!’
‘Yeah? How do you figure that?’
‘Voldemort is after you, Harry. You. Not me. Not anyone else. Even if it had been real, it was a trap, you had to have known it was a trap. You endangered yourself knowingly!’
‘I thought you were going to be killed!’
‘There’s a time and place to play hero, to be reckless. Today was not it!’
‘I wasn’t playing hero!’ Harry yelled, shooting to his feet in indignation. ‘I didn’t run over thinking I could save your skin and get recognition for it! I don’t care about that!’ It stung that Sirius would think that, that he would even imply it. Ever since he’d gotten to know about his reputation, Harry couldn’t remember feeling anything but repulsed by his fame. ‘I cared about making sure no one else died for me!’
‘How did you think Voldemort even got me? Did you stop to think about that?’
‘I didn’t have time!’ He had had to dodge so much, make so many decisions on the spot….escape from umbridge, from her minions, from Grawp, trying to convince his friends to stay back, trying to get in touch with the order members, figuring out a plan-
‘WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE!’
‘You’re surprised that I believed Voldemort caught you?’ Harry finally exploded, slipping from the defensive to the offensive. ‘You’re wondering how I didn’t think how he could have gotten you? I did! I did and all I came up with was that you caused it! That it made sense! That you were reckless!’
‘What are you-’
‘You snuck into Kings cross in your animagus form and people recognized you! You wanted to sneak out into Hogsmead to meet me when you knew that we were surrounded by ministry officials looking for any chance to come after us! You could have seriously hurt Snape if Mr Weasley hadn’t walked in back at Grimlaud! And then you get upset when I don’t go along with you, you get mad when I try to stop you! Every single day, I’m afraid you’ll do something reckless and endanger yourself for some kind of- some kind of momentary thrill!’
‘Don’t you dare try to dismiss that all as some kind of….some kind of thoughtless escapades! You have no idea what it's like, to be trapped away in the house that was a home to everyone but you, to never be able to act, to be kept out of the loop-’
‘I don’t know? I don’t know? What do you think was happening when you and everyone else left me at the Dursleys this summer? You think I don't know how it feels like to have no escape, to know you’re trapped behind four walls, to see everyone else get to leave and live while you’re trapped?’ Visions flashed through his head, of watching the Dursleys leave every evening in his second year while he was locked away in his rooms, bars on his windows, constantly on the brink of starvation, knowing that he had no way of escape, that everyone who actually cared about him or knew about him was unaware of his situation (he couldn’t have possibly thought of a night time escapade in the form of a flying blue ford and three red head boys). He knew what being trapped feels like and now his mind is wandering, wandering to being trapped under the unyielding stone arms of a statue of grim reaper, watching his greatest enemy rise back to life, staring at the corpse of his friend, tortured for entertainment as the parents of his classmates watched and sneered. He saw Umbridge, her toad-like face spread into a satisfied tiny smirk as she watched Harry’s skin peel away and bleed as he was forced to scar his own hand, shunned and humiliated for trying to warn people and keep them safe.
He saw Sirius’s frozen smile as he reared towards the black veil, his eyes vacant, dead, dead, Harry thought he was dead-
‘In fact, what do you think has been happening this whole year? Everyone’s turned against me, Hogwarts became hell, the occlumency, fucking Umbridge and Fudge! And I couldn’t do anything! I was told everyone else was handling it and to not worry but I was trapped! I had information, I could have helped, but no one was there to talk to! I needed someone there for me when Umbridge and Snape and Malfoy and the Daily prophet were having a dig at me but I couldn’t talk to you because I couldn’t risk you losing your head and running in and getting yourself fucking arrested or killed! Of course I thought Voldemort took you! You’d probably gotten sick of staying safe and being dependable and snuck out and getting napped by the death eaters or something else stupid like that because that’s what you do!’
Sirius looked livid at the end of Harry’s screaming ramble, his face twisted uglily, with an expression so alike to the anger Uncle Vernon wore and he took a step towards Harry and for a terrible moment, Harry thought Sirius was going to hit him.
What Sirius had been intending to do was never known because the room lit abright with green light as the fireplace erupted to life and after a few seconds, Dumbledore stepped out. He paused as he took the sight in front of him, Harry and Sirius facing each other like something out of the bad western rom com movies aunt petunia loved so much, each looking absolutely wrecked.
He held back from making a comment on it though, turning to Sirius instead. ‘Sirius, I am sure you are eager to go home and deal with everything that has been brought to light in the last few hours-’
‘I am.’ Replied Sirius shortly.
‘But I ask you to put it off for a while longer. I think you have hidden yourself away long enough. It is about time you step out from the false image that has been bestowed upon you for more than a decade now.’
Sirius paused, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise and Harry stared gobsmacked at his headmaster, both forgetting their previous ire. ‘Wait, you don’t mean-’
‘Everyone saw you leave with Harry. And I am sure that once the shock of today dies away, the ministry will try to weave this whole thing as your work. But there are of course those who noted that the death eaters seemed to be fighting against you rather than with you and how no one, including myself, attacked you for being near Harry. It had led to debate in which I managed to swerve in the right direction and use it to our advantage. I’ve demanded a trial. It is about time you are tried for the crimes you have wrongfully suffered for.’
Sirius stared, looking shell shocked. ‘I’m getting a trail?’
‘A fair one. With Verisum, if you do not have any objections.’
‘I don’t.’ Sirius replied quickly, looking dazed. ‘When’s the trial?’
Dumbledore pulled out his pocket watch and observed it for a few seconds before calmly informing, ‘In an hour. Members of the Order of Phoenix are meeting there to serve as witnesses of both your innocence and Pettigrew’s survival and crimes. I, Alastor and Severus will serve as prime witnesses.’
‘Snape?!?’ Harry butted in before he could stop himself. ‘You think Snape is going to defend him? He’ll throw him under the bus just because he’s still mad at what happened to him when he was my age!’
‘He knows how important this is. I assure you, I have full faith in him.’
‘He didn’t care when I told him Padfoot was being held hostage!’ Harry spat vehemently. ‘He was going to let him die!’
‘That’s not true Harry. Severus is the one who checked to ensure Sirius was in fact home and then informed the order that you had not returned from the forest. He had to maintain his cover in front of Dolores.’
Harry looked at Sirius, silently asking if it was true, shocked when the man nodded, although it looked as if it pained him to do so.
Harry was so shocked that he almost missed Sirius’s next words. ‘Do we know who’s going to be on the panel? If it’s Fudge, I’m screwed.’
‘Fudge will have to be present but I have a strong sense that if he continues to be blinded by power and insist on your guilt, not many people are willing to listen to him right now. You will get a fair trial Sirius, I assure you. And in case they try to enforce that you need to be sent back to Azkaban until they come to a verdict, if they are foolish enough to suggest it, then there are a dozen trained wizards and witches who are more than eager to help you escape. The order will not let you set foot back there and if you need to go on the run until we can convince them, so be it.’
Sirius nodded and then finally asked, ‘Dementors?’
Dumbledore looked grave at the question before he nodded, though not without sympathy.
Sirius inhaled deeply, his shoulders rising to his ears and then asked, ‘Will I be chained up?’ Sirius’s voice was calm, almost emotionless really but Harry saw the fear on his face when he turned to glance at his godfather, his eyes betraying him. Harry remembered the night he had finally met Sirius in the shrieking shack, how the only time he’d seen anything other than madness and hatred on his gaunt features had been when Snape had broken in and threatened Sirius with the dementors.
Harry had almost never seen his godfather look scared. Or nervous for that matter, Sirius was a force, loud and impulsive and painfully unapologetic for his brawn.
Which was why seeing him look scared was off putting. Felt wrong even.
Harry couldn’t fault him though. He was about to go back to face the very wizarding cabinet that had sentenced him to azkaban without trial, who had been hunting him down to deliver a fate worse than death as recently as two hours ago and who had spent more than a year letting the wizarding world fall into turmoil and havoc rather then face the reality that voldemort had returned. Harry felt all the anger from a few minutes ago be replaced by a cold heavy dread as he watched Dumbledore speak without hearing him. What if this was a trap? What if Sirius got out of the fireplace at the ministry and they already had dementors waiting to give him the kiss, or to take him back to Azkaban? What if Fudge, in his haste and desperation to try and feign order, didn’t believe Sirius and sent him back so as to appease the good press? What if Sirius failed his trial-?
What if Harry lost his godfather again?
‘I’ll come with you.’ He said quickly, before he could spiral any further.
Both Dumbledore and Sirius shook their heads at him, Sirius more vehemently, despite him seeming to lose color with every passing second.
‘You need to go to the hospital wing, let madam Pomfrey check you over-’
‘I’m fine.’ He insisted, even as another thin trail of blood traitorously trickled down from the gash on his forehead. Sirius managed a small smirk at his momentary annoyance and his hand reached out, as if to wipe it but he stopped halfway. Harry didn’t know whether he was glad or upset by that. He didn’t think he could handle any tenderness right now without breaking down.
‘Your presence may cause more trouble than help.’ Dumbledore said kindly, and Harry was filled with relief when nothing hateful and ugly reared its head within him when the electrifying blue eyes met his green. ‘Right now, the ministry is reeling from having discovered that the dark lord that their leader has spent a year denying having returned to power is not only back, but has managed to gain enough power to break into the very heart of the wizarding world. The mismanagement right now is the perfect time to bring Sirius back to light, to allow him a fair trial that he was denied so many years ago, in a time where the news of his innocence and his release will be underwhelming when compared to the other news. As I said, I have no doubts that Minister Fudge, stressed and under fire for Voldemort’s return, will try to maintain that Sirius is guilty and responsible for numerous crimes so as to try and save face and to distract the press and the committee.’
‘So then why can’t I come?’ Harry asks stubbornly, vaguely aware he sounded like a petulant child but he didn’t care. Everything Dumbledore had said was exactly the reason Harry wanted to accompany Sirius. Fudge had proven through this year that he was willing to go to any levels to save his own neck and did not particularly care about the everyday man as he did about maintaining his power. He would be more than happy to let Sirius take the fall and Harry was not ready to lose his godfather again or to even put him in harm’s way. In fact, Harry was suddenly inclined to believe that Grimmauld place delightful and Sirius should definitely be hidden back there, away from harm.
‘Because the press is already likely to be there and Fudge will want to avoid any more drama, which assures we will get a private hearing, and we shall be able to manage to gather a fair and legitimate council. But with your presence, the press will hound you, the hearing will be disrupted and false ideas of your alliance with Sirius and by extension, Voldemort, would cause an issue.’ He peered over his glasses at Harry, and the teenager noticed a small cut over his left eye, one of the only injuries on the elderly man. ‘Professor Flitwick and Professor Sprout will be up to collect you shortly and escort you to the hospital wing-’
‘I remember the way, I don’t need a guide.’ Harry bit back shortly, failing to feel any shame or remorse at Dumbledore’s disapproving look. He may no longer have the urge to bite the man’s head off but that didn’t mean he was any less angry at the man. Dumbledore had a lot to explain to him and now he was annoyed that he was once again denying Harry an opportunity to be there for Sirius. He still wasn’t convinced. He still wanted to go with Sirius. He imagined Sirius in that awful chair with the chains that wound around its inhabitants that he had seen karkaroff and bellatrix and the other death eaters wound up in in the pensieve, being stared down by unforgiving hard faces, shuddering as dementors swooped above them, waiting, hoping to catch their prey.
He glanced at Sirius, but his godfather was not looking at him, staring at the fireplace with an indistinguishable look on his face. Harry thinks it might be dread for what was to come. Nervousness even.
‘I know, Harry. But humor the adults for a change.’ Dumbledore decided on finishing placatingly. A knock sounded from the door just as he finished speaking and he noted satisfactorily before he called out to the outsiders to wait a few minutes. ‘Quickly Sirius. Through the floo powder. Harry, go check on your friends.’
Neither of them made a move. Sirius had finally looked away from the fireplace to stare at Harry, his face ashen and white, reminding Harry of the first time they’d met. Harry didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to be separated. It was the only thought running through his head.
Dumbledore looked between them and approached Sirius and gently laid a reassuring hand on his shoulder. ‘I promise you shall be reunited soon. And this time, the two of you can enjoy your freedom together. ’
Sirius looked away from Harry to glance at his old headmaster and something must have reassured him because his tight shoulders dropped slightly and he nodded. He let himself be nudged towards the fireplace, looking behind him once to firmly tell Harry, ‘Go. Rest.’
Before Harry could reply, they had stepped into the fire, the flames had turned green and he watched the duo disappear. Harry wished he could shake off the anxious thought that this might be the last time he’d see his godfather,
The knock came again, more impatient and when no reply came, the door was pushed open, and Flitwick peeked inside, his beady eyes roaming over the room before they landed on Harry. ‘No Dumbledore, Potter?’ He squeaked as he pushed the door open and him and Sprout came bundling in.
‘No.’ Harry replied shortly, still staring at the empty fireplace. He finally tore his eyes away when Professor Sprout wrapped an arm around him, gently urging him away. ‘He just left.’
Curiosity flashed through their faces but Harry was relieved that they held their questions back. Sprout patted his arm as she nudged him towards the door, speaking gentle reassurances as she guided him. Harry stared at the floor as they walked, focusing on the sparkly green of Flitwick’s robe as they did so. His head felt as if it was filled with flies, buzzing uncomfortably and zapping him every second with some new thing to obsess and mull over.
He startled as he realized that he had no idea what state his friends were in, too preoccupied with worrying about Sirius and he had not even stopped to wonder if all of them had even made it back alive and he startled so abruptly that it caused Sprout to jump and stumble on her robes.
‘What is it? She asked urgently, struggling to straighten up. ‘What happened?’
‘Are the others okay?’ He asked her, heart beating in his throat. He couldn’t bear it if they weren’t, grief and regret weaving around him. He’d left them, left them to battle against Bellatrix and Malfoy and other lunatics and cursed items and horrible unwanted images crossed through his head. Ron strangled by the brains, blue in the face and lips parted with no air slipping past them, Ginny and Luna laid bleeding on the floor, their bodies twisted unnaturally, Neville’s eyes rolled back and mouth lolling as the Criciatus curse wrecked unimaginable amounts of pain through them, and Hermione collapsed under debris. He couldn’t lose them.
It would be his fault if they died. He had dragged them to the ministry and put them under uncountable danger for a cause that hadn’t even been real. He recalled Mrs Weasley sobbing and breaking down at the boggart taking the form of a dead ron and ginny. And he imagined her confronting him, screaming at him that it was his fault that her children were dead, telling him that he had wrecked their life the day he and ron had met on the Hogwarts express-
Before he could work himself up into a proper panic, Professor Sprout was rubbing his shoulder comfortingly. ‘Yes dear, they’re all okay. Shaken up, and some of their injuries are worse than others, but they’ll all be just fine. Come along, you can join them-’
‘No.’ Harry said hastily, digging his heels into the floor. ‘Er….is it okay if I…don’t see them? If- if I could just stay in the private ward-’
He felt spoiled for asking for it but he couldn’t help it. Now that he was sure that his friends were alive and well, he felt exhausted at the very thought of being around them. They’d want answers, they’d want to know what had happened after he’d run off, how Sirius was alive, where he was now…..Harry just couldn’t answer those questions right now. Not when he didn’t know the answer to half of them.
‘Are you sure, Potter?’ Flitwick asked from his elbow and when he nodded, he inclined his head forward. ‘Very well. I shall inform the others of your safety and you may rest until you are up to seeing them. Or until Professor Dumbledore returns.’
Harry was relieved with the quiet room that greeted him and he stumbled on to the cot, massaging the headache that thrummed beneath his scar. Flitwick flicked his wand and a goblet formed in front of him out of thin air and he filled it with the liquid from the bottle on the nightstand. As he filled it, he asked, ‘Be honest now Potter. Are there any serious injuries that require immediate assistance? Any life threatening ones?’
‘No.’
‘Are you sure?’
Harry repeated his stance and Flitwick nodded before handing him the now half full goblet. ‘That’s a dreamless potion, it should allow you to rest with no interruptions. If you trust me to so so, I can heal your cuts and wounds while you are asleep but if that makes you uncomfortable,you may take the potion afterwards-’
‘I trust you.’ Harry said tiredly, already tipping his head back to gulp it down. The thought of delaying the escape that sleep would provide him with was unbearable. If he stayed up any longer, he would be unable to sleep and he’d be consumed with anxiety waiting for Sirius to return.
‘Alright then. Get some sleep, Potter.’ Flitwick said briskly and Harry didn’t need to be told twice as he downed the rest of the potion. His vision blurred before he had even managed to swallow the last drop and hands came up to guide him to lie down. Someone pulled the covers up and removed his glasses and before Harry could take in anything else, he was asleep.
*
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*
‘Harry.’ A voice spoke above him, hands shaking his shoulder. He grunted in response, batting at it. He heard a chuckle but the hand didn’t relent, continuing to shake him. ‘Kid wake up.’
‘Wh’re yu?’ He mumbled tiredly and the voice chuckled again.
‘Sirius Black.’ Came the answer and that finally grabbed his attention. Harry forced his eyes open, ignoring how they burned in protest and he fumbled to sit up, the sheet covering his body slipping down. His hands stretched out, one of them twisting in the robes of the blurry blob that was possibly his godfather and the other smacking around on the bedside table to locate his glasses. His hand crashed against something and he winced as pain shot through his head as it went crashing down.
Fingers enclosed around his wrist to stop its wandering and the blurry blob spoke again. ‘Relax, I got it.’
After a few seconds, Harry felt the cold metal temples rub between his fingers and he pulled them up, setting them on his nose and finally turning to look at his godfather.
Sirius grinned at him, his cheeks bloomed with color and his eyes abright with happiness. It seemed to transform the man completely. Even with his twisted long hair, his sunken face and the dirt, blood and sweat mixed together on his face, Sirius looked ecstatic. The happiness made him look handsome, in the bright youthful way he used to look from the photos and the memories Harry had seen of him back when he was in Hogwarts.
‘I’m free.’ Sirius said simply and Harry’s eyes widened further, and he felt himself mimic the grin. He sat up properly in his cot, shuffling to make space so that Sirius could sit down, which he did, ungracefully flopping down and heaving out a huge sigh.
‘You won?’
‘I won.’ He conceded, his drawl giving the impression of it being lazy but Harry noted how he swelled with happiness. ‘It’s official too. Fudge and the committee tried to put off announcing it from taking all the measures to properly exonerate me but Dumbledore insisted that I was owed that much after everything I had been through.’ He tilted his head and reached up to pull the collar of his shirt down to show Harry his neck and he noted how the serial number that had been branded onto his neck had been removed, though there was still a faint scar that remained. Habitually, his godfather traced a finger over it, as Harry had seen him do many times but instead of the bitterness that accompanied the action, there was bliss. ‘And they sent the owls to the daily prophet. A few hours from now, my name will be cleared and I will no longer have to hide.’
Harry felt his heart bloom with happiness and he squirmed, hope surging within him as he carefully asked, ‘So….does that mean- does it mean I can live with you?’
Sirius didn’t answer right away, he looked surprised on the contrary. Harry had a feeling he hadn’t even thought about and he felt his heart drop at the realization that his godfather hadn’t even spared a thought of living with him. He understood, he did really. Sirius had spent more than a decade locked up and he was an adventurous soul, one that craved excitement and demanded constant movement. Taking care of Harry would mean he would have to be tied down, even if he wasn’t a very demanding child and no doubt, the order of phoenix would want him under their watchful eye and he doubted they’d be eager to let Sirius run off with Sirius, because Harry doubted Sirius would stick in one place for long after being denied the chance to explore and travel for so long.
He opened his mouth to backtrack and reassure Sirius it was okay, that he didn’t mind spending two more months with the dursley (even if that made his stomach fill with acid) when Sirius’s face was split from ear to ear with a smile so blissful that he almost looked drunk. ‘Fuck yeah you can.’ He flopped down to lie on the pillow, his eyes shining. ‘And we’re going to take a road trip. You’re going to love my motorcycle.’
Harry grinned too, his heart feeling lighter then it had in months. He could hear his heart pounding away in his ears, overwhelmed with happiness. Everything in this last year had been so terrible, Harry had been struggling for so long and suddenly, in the span of a few hours, it was fixed. Umbridge was gone, the world believed him and was hopefully preparing to fight against Voldemort, Sirius was back and free and to put the cherry on top, Harry was finally escaping the Dursley. He could hardly believe it.
Sirius seemed to echo the sentiment, looking dazed. ‘Fuck, I can’t believe how many things I can do now. I start thinking of five and ten more pop ups.’ He reached a hand out and Harry closed his eyes as it weaved through his hair, nails scratching at his scalp and sending pleasuring tingles down his spine. ‘This is how it should have been.’ Sirius told him quietly and Harry felt a lump form in his throat, much to his embarrassment. ‘This is what you dad and mum would have wanted. For us to be a proper family.’
He remembered Sirius’s promise back in christmas, remembering how faraway that had seemed, how he’d seemed almost fictional to imagine a future where that could even be possible.
It felt too good to be true. Harry was half afraid that it was just that. Life didn’t exactly try too hard to be kind to him, quite the contrary really, and it had shown him more goodwill in these last few minutes than it had since he’d been an infant.
Sirius was staring at him when Harry opened his eyes, and the dazed bliss had been replaced with something more stern. Harry shifted apprehensively, nervousness settling in his stomach. In his confusion of being awoken so abruptly and the news of Sirius’s new freedom, he had allowed his previous conversation to be pushed to the back of his mind. But it wasn’t as if he had forgotten their yelling argument. He was just….well, after a good long sleep, he was starting to regret the outburst.
‘How long have I been asleep?’ He asked, as an attempt to distract Sirius and hope that it would be enough to end any further discussions.
‘Well, I’ve been at the ministry for fourteen hours so….I’m guessing you’ve been in dreamland a little less than that.’ Sirius replied casually, but his eyes were still boring into Harry. He avoided his godfather’s eye and tried to lie back down, beginning to mumble, ‘I’m still tired,the potion was really strong-’
‘Harry, I need you to listen to me carefully.’ Sirius interrupted, his voice calm but commanding. Harry tensed, stubbornly continuing to stare at his feet. ‘I appreciate what you did for me. Or attempted to. But I need you to promise me that it was a one time instance. You don’t have to protect me, you’re not responsible for me, no matter how much of a mess I am. Especially from now on. Voldemort knows of our relationship, he knows of your heart, and he’s seen now just how far you’d go to protect someone you think is in danger….and he’s sure to use that again. You need to promise me that this is not going to happen again. That no matter what you see, hear or watch happen to me, you’ll protect yourself.’
Harry’s fingers curled within, his nails digging into the soft cushion of his palms. He stayed quiet. Sirius’s hand fell from his head to his shoulder, squeezing it tightly.
‘Harry, promise me.’
‘I can’t.’ He forced out, refusing to meet his godfather’s eye in fear that he might see that his eyes were becoming glossy. ‘I can’t do that.’
‘I’m responsible for you, not the other way around-’
‘You’re not exactly the pinnacle of responsibility.’ Harry shot back, swelling up. He was pulling out the same punches he’d landed a few hours ago and he knew it was a low blow to bring it up again, especially now when Sirius was so happy and carefree and actually doing his best to be patarnel but he- he just couldn't handle it. Not right now. He was barely holding on by a thread, he couldn't handle any- any kind of talk right now.
For a second, it seemed that Sirius would rise to the bait, his face hardening and Harry braced himself for an outburst, for more yelling. Yelling was fine. Arguments he could do. He could make sense of that. It was the only form of communication he’d done in the past year really.
But then Sirius’s face went blank and he unstuck his jaw, shaking his head in a dog like fashion. ‘No, I'm not fighting you right now.’ Sirius said,making an effort to keep his voice calm. He took a deep breath before continuing. ‘You’re right, I can’t deny that my previous actions played a hand in making Voldemort’s little trick convincing.Hell, if I hadn’t been so impulsive that night in Godrick’s hollow and hadn’t chased after Pettigrew, if I had gone with you to Dumbledore, I might have never gone to Azkaban. I might have been able to prove my innocence and get custody of you and this whole mess of a life could have been avoided. I didn’t handle a lot of things well, and I lashed out on you more than a few times whenever you were trying to keep me safe. No wonder you think you're responsible for me. But….but I shouldn’t have put you in that position. And I'll deal with every other factor that led you to believe you needed to race to my help later.’ His voice hardened again and Harry knew he was talking about Kreacher. He wondered if the elf’s head was about to join his ancestors on the walls of Grimmauld place and was unsurprised at the lack of pity he felt for him. He’d almost lost his godfather because of him, he didn’t care if the eld died, or better yet suffered in his last few minutes. ‘Harry, you are much more important in this whole thing than any of us. The prophecy was not the only thing the order is protecting, it is you too. There are gonna be casualties-’
‘But I don’t want there to be casualties in my name.’
‘-and I am fully prepared for it to be me if it means you get to live on-’
‘BUT I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE.’Harry bellowed, unable to take it anymore. His voice cracked as he spoke, the tears that had been swimming in his eyes in the last few minutes finally spilling out. ‘Don’t you understand that? I can’t lose anyone else, I can't handle someone dying for me. My parents were bad enough and then Cedric- I can’t lose you too! I can’t handle that guilt or the- the-’ His throat hurt too much and to Harry’s mortification, he couldn’t hold his sobs behind.and his head ducked as he began to cry. He hadn’t been able to control all his emotions for so long and now they had decided to come out on their own, in forms of tears, in front of his godfather, who definitely had more to cry and mourn about than Harry.
Arms wrapped around him unexpectedly and Harry startled before a new flood of tears overcame him and he dropped his head on Sirius's shoulder, his whole body racking with sobs with so much force that he was sure his ribs would crack. If Sirius was freaked out by the tears, he didn’t show it, the hands on his back rubbing in a soothing pattern.
‘It’s okay.’ Sirius said kindly and Harry felt himself break further at the consoling words. He realized that this was the first time that he’d allowed himself to be so vulnerable in front of Sirius, in front of anyone really, and the thought was both mortifying and comforting.
He’d never had someone to be vulnerable around before. Not an adult.
Sirius adjusted his hold around him and pulled him close, so that Sirius could wrap himself around his shaking godson.
‘Alright, you don’t have to promise.’ He said kindly, after Harry had been crying for a while and if he had the energy, he would have felt patronized. ‘It’s a lot to ask you. I just want to protect you.’
‘I want to protect you too.’ He forced out through shaky breaths and he heard Sirius hum in response. ‘You protect me.’
‘Of course I do. I’m your godfather. It’s my job.’ Sirius paused as he sunk his hair back in Harry’s hair, messing it up further. ‘And it’s not your job to protect everyone.’
Harry was too exhausted to argue. All the turmoil of the events leading up to right now had been too much and Harry realized that he just didn't have the energy to deal with anything else right now. He knew they still had a lot to discuss. He still had a lot to do. Apologize to his friends for endangering them, finally confront Dumbledore on the prophecy and why the man had been avoiding him the whole year, mull over Umbridge’s revelation that she’d been the one to sent the dementors after him and of course, talk things out with Sirius. Make plans for where they were gonna live, when and how they would move all his stuff out from the Dursley, even talk through everything they’d yelled at each other back in the office….but he found he couldn’t bring himself to care right now.
Sirius was there. He was alive and breathing and holding him and best of all, there was nothing separating them now. The future was clear, neither of them had to go into hiding, avoid one another to protect each other, miss each other because they could not spend time together. For the first time, Harry was getting a shot at some semblance of the family he should have had.
Sirius sighed above him, still not letting Harry go. ‘We’ll work on it. We’ll figure shit out. We’ve got all the time in the world now.’