Remus always noticed that Sirius loved to wear makeup. It was a part of Sirius' everyday routine; wake up, put on some bold eyeliner and eyeshadow (and sometimes pair it with a nice lipstick), throw on his favorite fashionable wear, and then he'd be off for the day. Remus adored watching Sirius put on makeup in a hurry; "Moony, please hand me my mascara! No, not that one. Not that one either. Oh gosh, I'll just get it myself," or, "Can you hand me the small eyeshadow brush? Moony, that's medium. Do you not know what a small makeup brush looks like?" It was chaotic but Remus loved watching it. He especially loved watching Sirius be so focused on something so trivial.
Remus also noticed that Sirius especially loved when people would compliment his makeup. A barista at their local coffee shop often complimented Sirius' makeup and other things like his hair or outfit. Sometimes it made Remus jealous, but he loved the shine in Sirius' eyes when it happened. He found it hard to openly compliment Sirius since they had spent most of their Hogwarts years teasing each other, pranking one another, and joking as friends do. He thought that Sirius would never believe the compliment was genuine, but on nights when it was a special occasion or when Sirius seemed especially down, Remus would slip in a little, "You look lovely tonight," and, "Is that a new shade? It looks quite nice," or, "How wonderful you are." It usually made Sirius light up with butterflies.
Now, Remus has noticed that Sirius stopped wearing makeup, stopped doing his hair, stopped dressing in his signature extravagant outfits. He's stopped being himself. It worried Remus, especially since it had been two months since Sirius actually seemed like himself. It had also been two months since Regulus had died, Remus took that into account, and still, he worried so deeply for his lover.
Remus tried giving Sirius some time to adjust to his world-shattering reality, he knew it was going to be hard but he held onto the hope that he'd recover quickly as he did when his parents died. He knew that Sirius losing Regulus was different from Sirius losing his parents, but he assumed that the familial bond had played into both deaths. He waited every step of the way, trying not to interfere so as to not hurt Sirius any more than he was. Remus could no longer stay quiet when he noticed that Sirius started speaking less whenever they would hang out with their friends, sometimes he'd even full-on deny a get-together. Remus knew his boy wasn't ever quiet.
"Sirius," Remus called, walking into their shared bedroom. He looked to their bed and found Sirius still lying in it, awake but unmoving. Sirius' gray hoodie concealed most of his hair and his body was messily covered by the blanket.
Sirius looked to Remus with a soft, "Hm?"
"Can we talk?" Remus asked, pulling a stool toward the bed so he could sit on it.
Sirius nodded and pulled himself into a sitting position. He faced Remus and tilted his head, "Is there something wrong?" His voice was soft, softer than Remus had ever heard, and though soft, it also sounded strained. It was like it was hurting Sirius to speak. That alone could make Remus frown.
"Well no, not exactly," Remus laughed a bit, hoping to lighten the atmosphere of the room that suffocated them both, "I was just wondering why you haven't.." he trailed off, searching for the right way to phrase the sentence.
"Moony?" Sirius asked, taking Remus' hand in his own, "Why I haven't what?"
"Why you haven't been yourself, you know? I haven't seen you do your makeup in so long and all I ever see you wear now is hoodies and sweatpants. If I'm lucky, I see you in black jeans," Remus said, awkwardly laughing, "It's not that it's a bad change, it's just that I thought you loved makeup. I didn't expect you to just randomly stop," he added once Sirius didn't respond.
Sirius bit his lip and squeezed Remus' hand quite hard, but Remus didn't mind it. He would've encouraged Sirius to do so if it weren't for the fact that Sirius began to speak, "I just.. can't."
Remus tilted his head and his brows knitted together in confusion, "What do you mean? Did you run out of a product? Love, I'd be happy to go out and--"
"No, I just can't," Sirius said, his voice sounding a bit more distraught as if he didn't feel paid attention to, "It's too hard. I can't do it anymore."
"What's become too hard? You're really good at it, from what I've seen at least," Remus asked, pushing the hoodie off of Sirius' head to reveal his loose curls.
Sirius reached up to his hair and brushed through it a bit with his fingers, already sensing that he had a few loose strands due to the hoodie. He sighed, "I can't look in the mirror, and I've tried doing my makeup without looking in the mirror but it's too hard. I can't do it, Moony."
Remus frowned and ran his fingers gingerly through Sirius' hair before pushing a strand behind his ear. "What's the matter, Pads? Why are you having trouble looking in the mirror?" He felt even more worried for his lover. Had Sirius been feeling insecure? Was it his fault that Sirius felt this way? There were millions of explanations that raced through Remus' mind, but he pushed those aside when he saw Sirius' lips quiver and tears build up in his eyes.
Sirius let out a ragged breath and shook his head a bit. "Every time I look at myself in the mirror, every time I go to brush my hair, every time I go to put on some eyeliner," He paused, using his sleeve to wipe the tears from his eyes, "I see Regulus' eyes and his hair and his jawline but I see it on me. Like I'm his reflection."
Remus felt his heart shatter.
"And every time I see him or something that reminds me of him, I'm reminded of this feeling that his death was my fault. I get sick to my stomach and I think back to all the times I could've helped him but didn't," Sirius cried.
"Oh, love," Remus said softly and pulled Sirius into a hug. He wrapped his arms around his boy tightly and rubbed a hand up and down his back. Sirius cries into Remus' shoulder and all Remus does is hold him tighter. He thinks to himself how nice it feels to be held by Remus, how nice it feels for time to stop. It allows him to get a break from the awful reality he had been living in for months. Remus kissed the top of his head, "It's alright."
"Remus," Sirius sobbed, "I'm so sorry I haven't been myself. I'm so sorry that I've worried you."
Remus pulls away from the hug and looks down at Sirius. His eyes are puffy, his cheeks are red, and tears are still streaming down his face. He didn't think before leaning down and kissing all over Sirius' face. The salty taste of tears touching his lip didn't stop him, he didn't care so long as his boy felt loved. He only relented when Sirius pushed him away with a soft laugh, a few tears still built up in his eyes but for the most part, they stopped streaming down his face.
Remus smiled and pressed one last kiss to Sirius' forehead as an idea popped into his head. "Sit down," Remus said, motioning to the bed as he walked over to Sirius' vanity. He opened the drawers and grabbed what he saw Sirius use whenever he did his makeup; eyeliner, a small eyeshadow palette and a small brush, mascara, and a lovely red lipstick that Remus knew to be Sirius' favorite. When he returned, Sirius looked at him in awe. Remus smiled as he sat down on the stool again.
Remus everything down on the bed next to Sirius but the eyeshadow pallet and the brush. He looked at the shades closely and turned it around to Sirius as he pointed to a soft pink shade. "Do you like this one?" He asked and Sirius nodded, smiling so brightly. It was the first genuine smile that Remus had seen from Sirius in months. It made his heart feel so warm.
Remus opened the palette and tapped the brush into the shade, picking up just enough pigment that it wouldn't cause too much fallout on Sirius' skin. He brought the brush to Sirius' eye and carefully applied the pigment to both eyes, dragging just a small amount under his near his waterline too. Remus dipped the brush into a pink glittered shade and put some on top of the original pink just for a little extra sparkle that Sirius so desperately needed. He closed the palette and set it down, along with the brush. He picked up the eyeliner and instructed Sirius to close his eyes. He wasn't as skilled as Sirius was, but he had watched Sirius so effortlessly put on eyeliner so many times that he was able to manage a small wing on both eyes. He fought the urge to applaud himself for how even they looked. Next, he put some mascara on Sirius' eyelashes and finally he applied the lipstick. He leaned back and took Sirius in; he looked like himself for the first time in a while.
"You're very beautiful, Sirius," Remus whispered, looking into Sirius' eyes.
"Thank you," Sirius beamed, "You're so wonderful, Remus."
Sirius leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the corner of Remus' inner mouth, leaving behind a red kiss on his skin. He smiled as he leaned back and watched Remus' eyes light up. He missed being able to leave kiss marks on his lover's skin. He missed feeling pretty.
Remus pulled Sirius' hands into his own and pressed their foreheads together. They both let their eyes fall shut and they basked in the silence and the sound of each other's breathing. Oftentimes, when they would sleep, they'd end up syncing their breathing. They did that again now.
"It's not your fault," Remus whispered, his eyes still closed, "Regulus told no one his plans, you couldn't have known."
Sirius didn't respond, he only nodded.
"And you guys were brothers, of course you have his eyes. He had your eyes too. It only goes to show how Regulus could never truly hate you, and how you could never truly hate him. He's watching life through your eyes because he never got to experience it, don't only ever let him see this room."
Sirius pulled away and looked at Remus with a shock in his eyes, a good shock. He smiled and pressed their lips together. It was the nicest he had felt in months. The kiss is slow and lovely and definitely leaves lipstick all over Remus' mouth but neither boys care. The world feels like it's stopped and that's all that matters. For just a second, Sirius wants to cry and laugh at the same time, but he can't. It would ruin his makeup.