ground control to major tom

"Ground Control to Major Tom
Ground Control to Major Tom
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on
Ground Control to Major Tom (ten, nine, eight, seven, six)
Commencing countdown, engines on (five, four, three, two)
Check ignition and may God's love be with you (one, lift off)

This is Ground Control to Major Tom
You've really made the grade
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare
This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today"

Remus watches Sirius from across the dorm. He watches the way he delicately places the vinyl onto the player, watches the way he closes his eyes, watches his fingers tap softly against his knee. Remus loses himself in how equally lost Sirius is - how lost Sirius is in the music, not Remus, the music. Always the music.

"Good, hm?" Sirius' grey eyes are locked onto Remus' face now, his eyebrows are furrowed in anticipation for his answer. Always waiting on Remus' approval.

"His best one yet," Remus nods, letting Sirius triumph, "you've got great taste Sirius. Better than that Abba shit James likes." Sirius opens his mouth to defend James but Remus cuts him off with a chuckle and a smirk. Always that fucked smirk.

The window is open, basking Remus and Sirius in the light of the nearly full moon. A harsh wind had attacked Hogwarts earlier in the day, but since Sirius had pulled Remus upstairs to listen to the new Bowie record Peter had bought him, a calm had settled over the grounds. Remus liked to think he was in tune with the weather, like it mimicked his internal thoughts. Always calmest when he was with Sirius.

Remus looks to Sirius again, pulling his gaze from the tree just visible from the corner of the open window, "Where are Prongs and Wormy?" Sirius' head pops up from the vinyl sleeve at the sound of James' nickname, a smile playing on his lips. As Remus is calmest with Sirius, Sirius is happiest with James. Always Padfoot and Prongs, Prongs and Padfoot.

"Should be up soon i guess," His answer is short, shorter than usual, more dismissive than normal, "wanna play it again?" Sirius turns his back on Remus, his muscles constricting as he places the stylus on the right grove. Soon Space Oddity fills the room, mingling with Remus' rushing thoughts over Sirius' change in attitude. Remus ignores them, trying desperately to bask in Bowie's voice as Sirius slowly walks over to him. But it's hard to ignore the beating that vibrates around him. The centre point being his heart. Always beating with the movements Sirius makes.

It's all Remus can do to keep his eyes focused on the ceiling as Sirius' knees hit the side of his bed. "Remus..?" His voice is low, and distant like he's half here, half in his thoughts. Remus slowly pulls his eyes away from a crack directly above him, watching the way Sirius' grey eyes flick around the bed, coming close but never quite reaching the hazel of his own. Always missing the intimacy of eye contact.

"Yeah..?" Remus breathes, the word comes to rest in between them as Sirius quickly brings his eyes to look into Remus'. A confusion flows between them, neither knowing what's happening. Neither understanding the other. Always close, but never enough.

"Remus, I told-" Sirius closes his eyes, breaking the link that had been created. Always the first to pull back, when Remus always wanted to step over the line.

The song stopped. They both look towards the record player, both silently begging for it to start up again. Neither having the will to do it. Neither having the will to leave this moment they've created. Created many times before. Always ruined one way or another.

They look back to each other, and Remus drags his fingers over Sirius'. Pushing him to continue. "I told Peter and James to stay downstairs, I told them I wanted to spend time with you. Just you." Sirius gushes, letting the words flow out. The confession meaning so much more than the syllables suggest, each word holding many others deep inside the letters. Always a deeper meaning, never a simple love.

But. Always a but.

Neither are brave enough to delve into those meanings. So much for their Gryffindor bravery. Remus has tried, been near, almost able to touch. Sirius has always been pulling back, dragging them back to comfort and to normal and to stationery. Always too worried.

And Remus has never had the bravery to drag him along. Always falling back to where Sirius wants to be.

"I know you did." Always letting them keep the status quo.

"Play the song again." Remus looks back up to the crack in the ceiling when Sirius takes a step back from the bed.