Monster

But then again, what is love? How do you know what it is?

Everyone always says, "I love this, I love that." But what do they mean? And is everyone's love different? Is it possible to determine if you love someone?

The logical thing to do is to think of someone you love. Like your parents, because you love them. Well, at least that's what you are told, ever since you were a kid. To love your parents. So, you do. But how does that feel? Loving: do you really love your parents or they've just always been there? Perhaps you don't love them and are simply afraid of losing something you've always had.

Sure, you'd be devastated when they will be gone, but is it because of love or is it just fear? How do you divide that? And sure, I'm not saying that no one loves their parents. Sure, some people do. Of course, they do. Some parents are just too good not to love. No matter if you know what love feels like. But on what does it depend on if you love them? What is the deciding factor? Is it the fact that you were loved as a child? Is it something unique to you? Your own fucked up mind?

Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe love only comes at a price, and it's just a matter of whether you're willing to pay the price. And the price is different for everyone, isn't it? For some it's not being loved back, for some it's abuse, for some it's loneliness. Sometimes it's not loving ever again. There are approximately a million reasons of what the price of love could be. Yet everyone is so focused on paying it, no matter what. Sometimes you pay the price and only later realize that it was love that you are paying for now. Or at least that's what you think.

Because again, what is love? And how does it feel? And maybe I'm just not capable of it. I simply cannot feel that emotion. Some people just toss around the word "love" like it's nothing like it's the easiest thing they ever did. And maybe it is. Maybe their mother told them that she loves them every night. Perhaps they didn't have to assume that their family loves them because they were told, so now they tell each other. You see, I couldn't ever tell you about that. Mine never did. You just had to assume they love you. I mean, why would you think otherwise?  You have a roof over your head, shoes to wear, and food on the table. So, of course, they love you...  And just because they sometimes look at you like you are the worst thing that has ever happened to them. Well, that just is the way it i. We all regret some things, don't we?
That is what love is. So saying anything else would make me selfish, right? Because they love me, and I dare to say that it's not enough.
But still, how do you know if you don't love your family just because you are supposed to? Just because you heard the sentence, "Well, they are family, they are blood," one too many times when you were a kid? I guess there will never be an answer to this question, not really.

But how can you tell if you love others? If you love your friends? Your partners? How can you tell if it's not all a game of pretend? Say you love them because you feel obligated to. Because you have no idea, how does it feel? I suppose the best chance of finding out is with people you meet when you are older. Maybe because you don't feel forced to love them, you just do. You don't want to waste a minute without them.

Or that's what they say you are supposed to feel.

But that just seems to feel like an obsession. Is there a difference between the two? 'Cause, it does sound awfully close.
If that's the case, maybe I am good at love. Always been good at that. Obsession. There is always something to be obsessed with. A person, a movie, a song, a musician, a book, or a character. Always something consuming every waking thought. Is that love? After all, people do say, " Ohh how I love that song" So, is it the same? Obsessive is something I've always been, and that's something I'm good at. Putting all of me into that one thing because it's easier that way.

Does that mean I know what love is? Have I loved before? So many times I have lost count of it.

But that's sad. Because that would mean that I never loved my family. Because one thing I know for sure is that I was never obsessed with any of them.

This leaves me confused. What is right? I know I am not ready to admit to never loving them...