Everything started out fine. In this manner,
The afternoon was pleasant, and the weather was lovely. A little warm and comforting, which James enjoys. But something about this beautiful day makes James' stomach churn as if someone is mixing all of his insides together.
On the window, he could see clouds floating above the sky. To say the least, it's a horrible fad. For the very first time in a long time, he started noticing how clear and blue the sky is.
Things hadn't been this easy in a long time. He can still see the battle scars from previous fights etched on his skin, a constant reminder that he will never have the life he had before. A life where the only things that mattered were his friends and their pranks.
And then his mind made the mistake of travelling further back in time as the image of someone, at least slightly smaller than Sirius, with the same black hair, haughty good looks, and that frown that wouldn't leave his face.
Regulus Black.
And James felt that familiar sense of security and comfort. He recalls thinking to himself every time he saw Regulus that he could fly. That he could be unmatched. He can still remember how beautiful he was up until now.
But, letting go is extremely hard when you know you could've been more than just a spit of 'Potter.' James knew he could've been more, but it was either him or the war. Either someone he cares about or the greater good of all. James knew in his heart that he would choose Regulus in an instant, and he knew that wasn't a good choice.
He was destroyed by it, the decision. And no one realizes how heavy a heart can be until it breaks. Until it was shredded into a million tiny fragments. Because James and Regulus have dreams together, they made those dreams under the moonlit night near the lake every midnight when they would meet secretly, away from the prying eyes of their friends and students. James would make a tent out of his invisibility cloak and cast a spell to make the inside large enough to fit them laying down or sitting.
They built walls together, those walls becoming their own little worlds.
James had no idea that those things would one day be just something to fill his memories with so he wouldn't drown in a sea of regrets. But James didn't notice any of them until Regulus left him.
James had no idea why he had decided to leave until today. Was he not enough to convince Regulus to stay?
James could still remember how spiteful he was when he didn't get the response he deserved at some point.
He hated Regulus.
After all this time, that question still frustrates him the most. Was he ever enough?
But he waited, at midnight.
He waited on their spot near the lake.
He waited at the Astronomy tower.
Fully knowing that Sirius and Remus might have caught up with him because of the map, he still waited at the passageway only he and Regulus knew.
And... waited.
I could wait, James thought, despite his insistence that he despised Regulus for leaving him isolated. Isn't that because he is James Potter? He knows how to wait and always waits. That's how patient he is.
James absolutely hates not knowing and sought an answer. If Regulus was unable to reciprocate his feelings, an answer could have made it bearable.
He let himself fall from the couch to the carpeted floor with a loud thud and a few soft groans, but James didn't seem to mind. It wasn't unpleasant. This is not the moment to reminisce on the love he never really had.
He keeps a subtle eye on the golden snitch hovering above him. Regulus gave him this golden snitch for his 18th birthday. For the past hour, he has been letting it float, catching it, and releasing it.
Something was scurrying beneath his skin. It's almost a sin for him to lie down and not fight for his life, not cast spell after spell.
He's waiting for Sirius and Remus, who decided to meet up today after missing each other for weeks. The Order became very busy the moment they left Hogwarts, and for some reason, Peter as well. He continues to decline, and they simply accept it. Peter's refusal was nothing new to them. He has been doing this for several months.
The three of them had been restless in recent weeks as well. To the point where they won't notice the exhaustion or sting unless they're seated at The Order's headquarters. It's as if they're being pursued by someone they can't identify. James was thrilled at first because he wanted this. To fight alongside others in order to protect someone close to him. It also keeps his mind from ruminating on things he shouldn't, so he's okay with everything at first.
But, when he's alone and the surroundings have become quiet, he cannot resist thinking about it all at once. It's daunting, and he sometimes feels as if he's suffocating or drowning.
As the war began, he had anticipated all of this; restless and sleepless nights. Others may continue to deny it, but James, Remus, and Sirius knew better. It may not appear so, but they are aware of what is going on outside even before they graduate.
Overhearing McGonagall and Dumbledore before was common, almost as if they were part of the conversation, except that they were wearing James' invisibility cloak and casting silencing charms—one would think they were up to no good.
And,
The thing is, you shouldn't expect something so wonderful not to be spoiled by the unexpected news of someone's disappearance or death. Knowing that some of those people were once with them at Hogwarts, laughing at their antics and mischief, is distressing.
They were his friends. And they’re dying because of something they didn’t even have the choice to choose.
James closed his eyes, and before he knew it, he was back at the castle, accompanied by Sirius, Remus, and Peter. They were all laughing, Sirius the loudest. He sighed, his chest settling into a soft rhythm.
Sleeping wouldn't hurt, would it? Rest a little, get some energy back before fighting again. It already feels like a luxury to be able to sit for hours, let alone close your eyes and have a pleasant dream of the past.
As James was about to fall asleep, he heard the sound of someone approaching. Quidditch has given him a keen sense of hearing and reflexes. In less than a minute, James was holding his wand and pointing it at... Remus?
“Moony!" James yelled, slipping the wand back into his jeans pocket, and was about to run over to give him a hug when he came to a halt.
Remus looks terrible; his hair is even messier than his, and he's breathing heavily, a wand on his left. The full moon is still a far cry away, James reasoned. His gaze was drawn to Sirius, who was clinging to Remus' side, his head bowed low.
His heart skipped a beat and he dashed to help Remus. "Wha-What happened?" James uttered, his heart pounding against his chest.
"We were attacked on the way here, Sirius got the worst of it, but I managed to get them to leave," Remus explained, his voice sharp and quick as he struggled to catch his breath. Remus gently placed Sirius on the couch, lightly guiding his head in the process. Remus looked at James, who was standing and staring at Sirius, his eyes almost welling up with tears. Shaking his head, he smiled softly as he tucked away the hair covering Sirius' head and said, "He'll be fine, Prongs. Don't cry."
"I... I just hate seeing you guys like this," James sobbed. That is true. He hated everything.
"All right, Prongsy. Isn't it inevitable that this will happen?"-Remus stood up and motioned for James to sit where he had previously sat. "-I'll make some tea for us."
The wait for Sirius to wake up was excruciatingly slow. Out of worry, James drank three cups of tea, which Remus noticed but ignored. He was aware of James' relationship with Sirius. And James has always been there when Sirius is hurt, having to return to Hogwarts with burn marks and scars before, James witnessing everything. And when Sirius returned to James after fleeing from home, James promised not only to himself but also to Sirius that he would do whatever it took to keep him safe.
The moment Sirius’ eyes flattered open, both immediately ran to his side, Remus being the calmer one and the first to compose himself asked, “you all right there, Pads?”
Sirius didn't say anything, just stared at Remus, then back at James as he sat down slowly, and then back at Remus again. He did it several times before blinking his tears away. It continued to flow down his cheeks, and Remus drew closer, his concern visible on his face.
"Where does it hurt, Sirius? " was the first question that Remus asked.
It's going to be bad, James thinks, and his heart begins to pound again in his chest. This time, what would it be?
Sirius rarely cries because, according to him, crying is for the weak, though this is not the case, James and Remus would always say. Crying does not always imply weakness, but Sirius is Sirius, and convincing him would take time.
“P-Prongs. . .” Sirius' grip on him was pathetic. His body clashed with James' as he began sobbing loudly. He's gripping James for dear life, his bruised knuckles turning white from the strain. Sirius buried his face in the crook of James' neck, unconcerned about how his messy, wild curls fell and how sweaty they were.
James is baffled. He looked behind him at Remus, who was looking at Sirius with as much confusion as James as if wondering what had happened. When their gazes locked, Remus shook his head in response to his question. He has no idea.
"I don't know what happened," Remus opened his mouth to say without speaking.
“Pads? What happened, mate?”
"Reggie," Sirius sobbed, and James felt as if his entire world had been brought to a halt. His mind became a jumbled mess. And Sirius only says one word, a name that isn't even his real name. And it only took that for his world to fall apart. Sirius yanked away from James, scrambling to retrieve the crumpled piece of parchment from the inside pocket of his leather jacket. "H-He gave it to me, and..."
He couldn't even finish his sentence before breaking down in tears and sobs. Sirius appears to be younger than he has ever been. He wouldn't even cry before, despite all the bruises, burn marks, and cuts he received from his parents. Sirius, on the other hand, was far from decent right now.
"P-Pads, calm down—yeah, breathe in and breathe out," James said. He's not only trying to persuade Sirius but also himself. That piece of parchment, whatever it was, was not good. It had to be something bad for Sirius to react this way. "You're doing great, Sirius," James said softly as Sirius' breathing became more stable.
Remus just looked at them with a contented smile but a small ache in his heart. He wouldn't trade it for anything. This is his safe haven, his paradise. These idiots were his home.
"Now," James said slowly, as if he was testing the water. "You can say it later if it's too much for you right now, okay? " James added, adjusting his position and taking a seat next to Sirius.
"I'm aware of your relationship with Reggie. In the sixth year," Sirius began. James' head snaps up to look at Sirius. He knew he couldn't keep anything from Sirius, but he didn't realise Sirius knew. Sirius leaned back, exhausted, and his eyes were red and puffy from crying. "You weren't that slick, Prongs," he says later. "You always leave the map after checking on his location, and I'll see your and his names."
James opened his mouth to explain, but Sirius shook his head and pointed at himself as if to say let him finish.
"At first, I felt betrayed," he admitted, and James thought he had stopped breathing. Remus was just standing in the corner quietly staring at them. He was aware of it, but he simply let Sirius find it on his own. He respects James and it wasn't his secret to reveal; besides, it was true; Remus just happened to discover it because James is far too reckless. As if he wasn't even attempting to conceal it. "But I talked to Moony that one night when you sneaked out to see him and he said that maybe you have your reasons.
And then, I waited, waited, and waited for you to tell me. But Moony suggested that you weren't ready, and I thought so, too. Until you stopped sneaking and the love bites vanished completely. And I remembered you being a shambles."
James' mouth gaped when Sirius finished speaking. Then he realised it, so he closed his mouth, cleared his throat, and looked Sirius in the eyes, which were still sad.
"I-I'm sorry, P-Pads. I was going to tell you..." James took Sirius' hands in his and began playing with the rings on each finger, tracing the small tattoos Sirius has on his forefinger. "And the night when I sneaked out—the night you saw me sneaked out was the night he left, just left," he gulped as he continued. "He didn't show up, and then he stopped, and I wasn't sure if it was still worth telling. I think... I just dealt with the pain of losing him by myself."
It was not an easy job. He knew deep down that it would be less dreadful if Sirius knew about him and Regulus. Regulus simply vanished from his sight for some reason. Despite having a map of the entire castle, their paths would not cross. While trying to figure out how to approach Regulus, James realised that you can't really find someone who doesn't want to be found.
After a long silence between them, Sirius asked the question no one dared to ask.
“Do you regret not doing enough to keep him?”
He could have said it more politely, but Sirius is like that, and he adores Sirius's demeanour. As normal, it's straightforward.
"I've been doing it all along. Always. I will always regret it, Sirius," James says as if someone is strangling him.
Back when they kept seeing each other, James thought it was all enough to convince Regulus to stay, to fight alongside him. Regulus used to stare at him for too long; his lips weren't stretched and he didn't smile, but his eyes twinkled, as if the stars above them weren't enough to fill the sky, so they rested inside his eyes. And Regulus would lean in, tenderly and softly touching his lips, almost as if it were just cotton against his burning skin. Or when Regulus would hug him and snuggle up to him for no explicable reason, and when James asked why, Regulus would tell him that there weren't enough reasons to justify his desire to be close to him.
For a very long time, James thought so, too.
"I want to tell you something, Prongs... the reason I was crying," Sirius' voice cracked again, and James had no idea what to expect. He reasoned that this had to do with Regulus because Sirius wouldn't bring him up unless it was for him.
“A-About Reggie?” he asked, his voice fainting.
"Y-Yeah, about Reggie," Sirius nodded his head and bite his lower lip, to stop it from trembling. His tear were running down his face again, and James wanted to wipe them if it weren't for his mind already skipping to an idea he don't want to cross.
The news of Regulus was not something James expected to be pleasant, but he had no idea it would kill him for the second time. He died for the first time when Regulus abandoned him. Even so, James knew Regulus was still within his grasp if he really wanted to.
“He’s dead, James.”