Who We Used To Be
“I can’t believe you went on a date with Snape,” James spoke with a sneer, getting an exasperated sigh from Remus, who was tired of this conversation.
“For the last time James, it wasn’t a date. We spent the day together, with Peter, and when he had to leave we got some food. We were hungry, that’s all.” Of course Remus wasn’t going to tell James that he, maybe, just maybe, had wanted it to be a date, but that was neither here nor there because that’s not what had happened. They had just eaten together, as friends(at least Remus had hoped they’d reached that level by now.)
James scoffed, seemingly ready to continue the same argument(which Remus was beyond exhausted with at this point), but was interrupted by Sirius who had been watching them in silence since the whole conversation started.
“What does it matter James? I mean honestly, it’s not your life, and it’s not like you have to date the man. Leave Remus be, he’s allowed to have his own life for Merlin's sake. And we’re not children anymore, you need to grow up.” Sirius sounded as done with the argument as Remus felt. The look James gave Sirius after he spoke almost made Remus laugh, barely holding it in. As if Sirius had just sworn off pranks for the rest of his life or something equally as dramatic in James’ mind.
Before James had the chance to, presumably, start arguing with Sirius as well, the man walked away. Ignoring James’ betrayed look, Remus followed Sirius’ lead. Finding him standing in the hall, waiting for Remus it seemed. Instead of questioning it, Remus just followed after Sirius when he turned to walk further down the hall, towards the door.
It wasn’t until they were out of the house that Sirius actually spoke, breaking the comfortable silence they had between them.
“You know, it used to be a lot easier to talk to you.” Sirius flashed Remus a smile, trying to ease into what was bound to be a long conversation. The two of them hadn’t had any real conversations in quite a while, since before the whole Order of the Death Eaters thing happened.
They had stopped understanding each other during their 7th year. Although, it was less of them no longer understanding each other and more that Remus was changing, growing up, and Sirius was too scared to do the same.
Now that Sirius was forgetting his fear in favor of reuniting with his little brother, he was hoping to get back to a place of comfort with Remus. Maybe finally get around to talking about that thing between them that they never mentioned…
“Talking doesn’t have to be so difficult, not if we don’t want it to be,” Remus responded after a moment of silence, moving to lean next to Sirius who had propped himself up against the porch railing.
The tension that had been present in Sirius’ shoulders melted away as Remus
settled closer to him, more confident in their ability to have a conversation that wouldn’t just be an argument. Unlike how every conversation with James seemed to be going lately.
“I know things have been distant between us, I want to apologize for that before I say anything else. I didn’t mean for-“
“Don’t. You don’t owe me an apology for that. You weren’t the only one being absent, and anyway, I think it was good for us. A bit of distance, y’know?” Remus interrupted, sounding apologetic, but meaning every word.
Sirius had no argument against that, there was a time he would have reacted negatively, but now he knew the other man was right. The distance had done them, him, a great amount of good. It was needed for the both of them to have the opportunity to grow. Which Sirius hoped he had succeeded in. Wanted to believe that he had.
“Now that that’s out of the way, there was something else you wanted to say, wasn’t there?”
“Right.” Sirius fidgeted for a moment before making himself settle, and look Remus in the eyes. “First, you know I don’t agree with James, don’t you? I’m not going to judge you because you like to be around Snape. Not anymore at least, I’m not like that now. I swear I’m not.” Sirius knew he sounded desperate, and he was. He needed Remus to believe him, to know he was telling the truth.
For a moment all Remus did was stare at Sirius, searching for something, and Sirius was starting to get worried that this conversation wouldn’t go as well as he had hoped. Just as he was about to start speaking again (although he had no idea what he was going to say), Remus broke the silence.
“I believe you, you have changed recently. In a good way. I think I have Regulus to thank for that.” Remus bumped shoulders with Sirius, grinning when the man smiled at the mention of his brother, looking into the distance as he clearly got lost in a memory for a moment.
“You know, I was so worried that we’d never get the chance to be close again. That I’d ruined it for myself with the way I acted to him in school, after I left him.” As if he could tell Remus was about to protest his statement, Sirius motioned for him to stay silent before he even began to speak.
“I know what you’re going to say, Reggie said the same. I know I did what was best for me, I know logically I didn’t just abandon him, but none of that is going to change how I feel about it. So, please, don’t try.” He waited for Remus to reluctantly agree to not mention it before he continued speaking.
“I know how lucky I am for this second chance, and it made me realize that I won’t always get that kind of opportunity. And I didn’t want to look back one day and find that I had thrown away a friendship that means everything to me, just because I couldn’t own up to my own mistakes. Losing you would hurt as much as losing Reggie did, and I didn’t want to lose my chance to fix things. I can still fix things, can’t I?” Sirius was no longer making eye contact by the time he went silent, staring at his hands, sounding younger than he ever had before.
“Siri-” Remus stopped himself, trying to find the right words for what he wanted to express. “You don’t need to fix something that was never broken.” That got the man's attention, and Remus felt more confident in his words with Sirius looking back towards him.
“I know we’ve had our problems. Hell, we’ve probably had way more than is healthy, but that doesn’t mean that things have been broken betweens us. Maybe a little messed up, a little bent, but not broken. We can get through this, all the bent and messed up parts, together, yeah?” Remus gave a small, but genuine, smile to Sirius. His smile growing as Sirius returned the affection with his own.
“Well, I obviously can’t do it on my own. We both know how that would turn out.” That startled a laugh out of Remus, the sound causing Sirius to laugh as well. The two of them ending up leaning on each other to stay up, enjoying the moment of complete calm before they had to re enter the storm.
They were still a little bent, a little messy, but they had each other. And truly, wasn’t that enough?