It’s summer and Narcissa is eight years old. She’s lying under the oak tree at the very end of the Black manor and her sisters are there. Bellatrix is subconsciously playing with her own long, black locks of hair and Andromeda is reading. Andromeda was always reading. Narcissa likes to just watch her sisters. She likes to observe.
Sirius and Regulus are supposed to come today. They’re supposed to visit. Narcissa really likes Regulus because he’s so little and adorable. She likes playing with him because he still gets excited about flowers and shapes and colours. Narcissa wishes she could still get so happy about things like that.
She’s not sure about Sirius. He’s older, closer to Bella and they get along well. There isn’t a single family dinner without the two of them causing some sort of trouble. Last time, they cracked the legs on the chairs that the adults sat on and then laughed maniacally when they all sat down and fell to the floor. It wasn’t received well. Bellatrix came back to their room later with bruises on her arms and when Andy asked her about them, she’d brushed her off and said that she fell. Narcissa was young, not stupid and knew that that wasn’t what happened. But she never asked, she never truly wanted to know.
Bellatrix Black was a force to be reckoned with. Even at twelve years old, the adults around her feared her. But Narcissa, Narcissa was never scared of Bellatrix. Because Bella was the one who was scared, really. Narcissa had heard the screams from downstairs as Andromeda held her hands over Cissa’s ears. She was met with them in her nightmares, more often than not.
She’d seen it when Bella found a small rabbit, trapped in a hole in the fence of their garden. She’d seen how she`d handled it with care, gave it food and water and nursed it back to health. She’d seen Bella cry.
Andromeda was different than Narcissa and Bellatrix, despite bearing such a resemblance to her older sister. She wasn’t outspoken like Bella, but she also wasn’t shy like Narcissa. She was the medium ground between the two and was always the one to calm them down.
When Narcissa started Hogwarts as a first year, she was immediately taken under the wings of her older sisters. Bella was a fourth year and Andi a second year. Narcissa wanted to be just like them.
When the Sorting Hat was placed on her head it started humming, like in deep thought.
“Hmm, another Black I see. Oh, you have wits like no others before you… also very loyal,” it contemplated, meanwhile Narcissa was holding her fingers crossed and muttering under her breath.
“Slytherin, please, Slytherin…”
“Slytherin, you say? Alright, Slytherin it is then, though you could have been great in Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff perhaps… Slytherin!” it shouted, and it was done. Narcissa exhaled a sigh of relief as she ran to the Slytherin table to a very excited Bellatrix, who was jumping on the table and waiting for her to come to her.
She’s where she’s supposed to be
She sits between Andi and Bella, as she catches the eye of Sirius on the other side of the hall. He’s laughing and for a fleeting moment Narcissa envies him. He radiates happiness despite the fact that he had been marked a blood traitor by their family and she hasn’t seen him in three years.
She’d caught Bella in her room one time, sobbing over a picture of Sirius. It had to have been one that she’d kept, because all the others were burned or destroyed. Narcissa was standing at the door, watching her older sister weep, like Sirius was dead. Narcissa didn’t come in.
In Narcissa’s third year, a very persistent Severus Snape is trying to get Narcissa to go with him to Hogsmeade. She refuses multiple times, but he is relentless, so much so, that Narcissa has to go to Bellatrix. It all happens in the courtyard.
“Severus! Where are you?” Bella sings while she bounces onto the grass. The students that were previously there disperse at the mere sound of her voice. Snape tries to get away but is blocked, by a very angry-looking Andromeda, with her wand pointed at him.
“Ah, here you are! I’ll get right to it, then,” Bella says as she flicks her wand and Snape goes flying into the wall. Narcissa is watching all of it with wide eyes.
“You know, when someone isn’t interested in you and tell you no… you don’t go harassing them some more, that’s just common decency, isn’t it,” Bella continues, as she keeps him pinned to the wall. Andromeda is watching with an amused smile. The other onlookers look horrified. The Black sisters were always someone to be wary of, because they would go to war for each other. Always.
Snape now looks like he’s struggling to breathe and Narcissa knows it’s not right, but now she can’t seem to care. Bellatrix cares even less.
“That’s my fucking sister, you greasy bastard, you don’t touch her,” she grits out between her teeth, when suddenly Minerva McGonagall comes running into the courtyard.
“Miss Black! We do not tolerate violence of any kind at this school! Let him go immediately!” she shouts, and Bellatrix reluctantly does. She rolls her eyes, as if she was very bored with everything.
“My office, now! You all, Andromeda and Narcissa too!” she bellows, and they follow her. Narcissa’s gaze drops to the floor, but Bella grabs her chin and lifts her head up.
“Head up high, you’re a Black,” she reminds her and Narcissa listens to her. She’s a Black after all.
Narcissa first hears about her sister joining the Death Eaters from Andi, when she comes sobbing into their shared dorm room. Narcissa rushes over to her, to embrace her to hold her together as she falls apart.
“Oh, Cissy, I- I begged her, I begged her not to do it! She- it’s not her fault, it’s them, oh those fuckers, it was always them,” she cries and soon, Narcissa is crying too. Bellatrix was betrothed to Rodolphus Lestrange last week and they’re getting married soon. Everyone knows of the Lestranges’ affiliations with the Dark Lord.
“Cissa, I- I think we lost her,” Andi murmurs and Narcissa takes a shaky breath.
She’d always known that the Death Eaters were around. That their family had something to do with them, maybe even were a part of them. But she couldn’t bear to think about Bella. That it might be Bella with them. But now, she was met with the harsh reality, being forced to accept it. But she could never, ever hate Bellatrix.
A week later, Andromeda is gone and Bellatrix and Narcissa are so fucking angry. She left a note, apologizing and explaining that she had, that she met a boy, who was a muggleborn and that she loved him.
Bellatrix went on a rampage. She ravaged and looted through muggle houses with her magic, while screaming bloody murder. Nobody stopped her. Narcissa was there when she collapsed and cried into her arms.
Narcissa’s anger was directed towards Ted Tonks. Why could he have Andy and they couldn’t? Does Andy love him more than them? She couldn’t be mad at Andy, not really, because Andy found, what she and Bella have yet to find. She found happiness.
Narcissa was betrothed to Lucius Malfoy in her last year at Hogwarts. She hated him. He was a typical pureblood, dripping with privilege as he walked into any room. Narcissa couldn’t look at him and feel anything else than disgust.
After another encounter with Lucius and his friends, Narcissa was sprinting through the halls of the castle. She didn’t know where she was going. Usually, it would be to her sisters, but neither one was here anymore. She was alone and she dreaded it.
That’s when she collided with someone, running at full speed and fell onto the ground. Narcissa’s books flew out of her hands and all the papers scattered across the floor.
“Oh, shit, are you alright?” the person asked. Narcissa was met with the brown, warm eyes of Alice Fortescue, a Gryffindor in the same year as her. Narcissa’s breath hitched in her throat.
“Yeah, um, yeah I’m fine,” she muttered as she got up.
“You sure?” Alice asked. Narcissa was staring at her dark curls. They looked a bit like Bellatrix’s. When Alice asked a second time, Narcissa started paying attention.
“What? Yeah, sorry,” she said.
“Alright, well, if you need anything else, you know where to find me,” Alice hummed and then walked away.
Narcissa couldn’t breathe. Or rather could finally breathe after the longest time of not being able to and it was just too much for her. That’s why it never felt right with Lucius, with anyone really.
She ran into the bathroom, locked herself in the stall and forced herself to breathe.
Breathe. Don’t think. Breathe. Continue. Breathe.
Narcissa was still overwhelmed into a panic attack.
She watched her from afar. From all the way across the Great Hall, to hallways and classes. When they spoke next, Narcissa’s stomach was fluttering, and she was so, so nervous.
When Alice continued speaking to her, Narcissa grew bolder. She invited her to go and meet up next to the lake, at night, when no one could see them. If any of this got to her family, she would be disowned faster than Andromeda’s portrait was burned off the tapestry. And as much as Narcissa didn’t love her parents, she did love Bella. And she could never let Bella lose another sister. She would fall even deeper down than she is now.
“I didn’t know you were this much of a romantic,” Alice laughed and sat down next to Narcissa on the pier. The moon’s reflection in the lake was shining over Alice’s curls and Narcissa couldn’t get enough.
“I am full of surprises,” Narcissa said and smiled. She’d almost forgotten what that felt like.
When Alice turned to her, Narcissa didn’t expect to be kissed. It was so gentle; unlike anything she had ever experienced, and she couldn’t get enough.
They kissed many times throughout that night, but mainly, they talked. Alice talked about her friends, her family and Narcissa listened. She was wary of talking about her family. After all, their reputation preceded them.
“You have sisters, right? And cousins?” Alice asked and Narcissa fell silent for a bit.
“Yes. Andromeda and Bellatrix. Sirius and Regulus,” she responded finally, Alice seemingly not noticing the strain in her voice.
“Oh, cool, yeah, I know Sirius. He’s lovely actually, nothing like you though,” she said.
“Sirius is nothing like anyone else in our family,” Narcissa whispered. Maybe that’s a good thing.
Alice seems to catch on to the uneasiness surrounding Narcissa. She asked calmly and carefully next.
“Cissa, what’s your family like?”
Narcissa doesn’t speak for a long time. She doesn’t know what to say. She could lie and not deal with anything. Or she could tell the truth. Open up to Alice Fortescue. She takes a shaky breath.
“My family is… complicated. I used to have two sisters, now I don’t even have one,” she says, and a tear slips down her cheek. She’d never spoken about it aloud. Alice watched her with sad, patient eyes.
“Andy- she ran away last year. She fell in love with a guy, a muggle born, and she… just left,” Narcissa says, and her voice is now shaking. “I-I was so angry at her. Because how could she get to just… leave like that and none of us else do? But I don’t think I’m angry anymore. I understand it now.”
Alice keeps on looking at her, like she’s a wounded animal and Narcissa hates it. She turns away, so that she can’t see her cry. Alice brings her arms around Narcissa’s shoulders from the back.
“Cissa, you can also leave. You don’t have to stay. You are your own person,” Alice whispers and Narcissa shudders.
“I can’t, I’m so sorry, I can’t,” she murmurs. She turns around to look at Alice.
“What’s stopping you, Cissa? You can go live with your sister, I’m sure she’d take you in in a heartbeat. You can even come live with me.”
“Bella,” is all Narcissa says, before crumbling into Alice and weeping. She’s crying for all of the missed opportunities that she never had, that she’ll never get to have. She’s crying for Andromeda, who she misses. She’s crying for Bellatrix, who she also misses, because she’s not the person she was before. She’s crying because she can’t leave her.
“I can’t leave Bella without a sister, she’s- she’s already falling apart,” she breathes out. Alice doesn’t respond, because she’d heard about Bellatrix Lestrange, never good things. She doesn’t know anything else about her, apart from that.
“I think she’s already fallen apart. I think she’s gone,” Narcissa says finally and Alice’s heart breaks at the sight. For a brief second, she thinks about how some things about Narcissa aren’t Slytherin-like at all.
“Narcissa, you’re ripping yourself apart for your family. You can’t only live for them,” Alice says and Narcissa can’t listen to it.
“I have no other choice.”
Narcissa falls in love with Alice Fortescue. She has no control over it, if she could change it, stop herself from loving her, she would, because she knows they will never even get the slightest chance.
Narcissa knows, that she needs to stop seeing her, to end it now, earlier, so that it’s easier, but she just can’t bring herself to do it. So, she doesn’t.
They keep on seeing each other for the rest of the school year. Nobody knows, nobody can or will ever know. And Narcissa thinks, that she just might be happy. She can look at herself in the mirror and like what she sees. She can look into Alice’s eyes and know, that she sees something in her. That’s enough for her.
When the school year ends, she’s met with the harsh reality. Narcissa had been living in a haze this year, with no direction, only Alice.
She’s going to marry Lucius Malfoy. She’s going to be his obedient housewife and give him a child. That’s her future. Narcissa despises it.
She thinks about running away, truly. With Alice, somewhere far away from here, but her mind always comes back to Bellatrix. She hasn’t seen her in a while.
When she tells Alice that she’s betrothed to Malfoy, she watches her face crumble in seconds. She watches her lover tell her, that she doesn’t have to do it, that she can get away, but Narcissa can’t fold, she has to stay strong, for the family.
She cries as Alice begs. It’s only because she knows that they both want this just as much. Oh, what Narcissa wouldn’t give to be able to get away.
When they go their separate ways, Narcissa doesn’t let herself cry again. It was necessary, it had to be done and she can’t come back to it now.
She doesn’t sleep though. She can’t sleep, because at night, she is haunted by what could’ve been, what would’ve been and what should’ve been. She doesn’t know, probably never will.
She gets married and she moves to Malfoy manor. Not much else changes. She’s refusing to touch Lucius any more than she has to, and all she does all day is stay at home. Narcissa is terribly bored. It reminds her of Bellatrix, who was always restless, wherever they went.
One day, she hears a loud crack in the living room and rushes there. Protective charms are placed over the building, so only family members can apparate in. Lucius uses the floo network.
Bellatrix is standing in her kitchen, holding onto her bleeding torso, and falling onto her knees. Narcissa rushes over to her, her eyes widening with terror.
“Bella! What happened?” she asks as she summons different medical resources from the pantry. She has to fix her; she has to fix Bella. Bella just starts laughing maniacally as Narcissa places her on the kitchen table and scrambles to patch her up.
“They’re gone! Finally, those filthy blood traitors, those stupid aurors. They’re not getting up this time, ha!” Bellatrix cackles and seethes with rage. Narcissa doesn’t have the capacity to think about what Bella has done right now. She just focuses on getting her to live. So she asks questions, to determine in what kind of state she is.
“What aurors Bella?”
“Ah, that traitorous man, Frank Longbottom, I think. Bah! What a stupid name,” Bella laughs and laughs, like it’s just the funniest thing in the world. Narcissa didn’t really know Frank, but she went to school with him. To think what happened to him…
“And the other one, his girlfriend or wife, I don’t know, or care. Err, Alice, something,” Bellatrix says and Narcissa freezes.
Alice. It can’t be. No. No, no, no, nonononono….
Narcissa jumps back from the table where Bellatrix is lying. She’s backing up, until her back hits the kitchen counter sharply. Bellatrix looks at her, with a puzzled look.
“What’s wrong with you?” she asks, impatiently.
Narcissa can hear her heart beating in her ears. It’s so loud. It seems to almost taunt her.
She’s dead. She’s dead. She’s dead.
With every beat.
Narcissa can’t look at Bellatrix. She can’t hear her cries for help, as she bleeds out on Narcissa’s kitchen table. She can’t hear Lucius coming home and apparating with Bellatrix into a hospital.
All she can hear is Alice’s laugh, her voice and she can smell the lavender shampoo she always used. She can just see those wavy, dark curls and those warm brown eyes.
Narcissa doesn’t get off the floor until she is forced to, by Lucius. He questions her, if she’s hurt, but she just lies and tells him, that she’s froze because she was so worried about Bella.
Oh, Bella. Narcissa should hate her. She should, she knows she has every right to. But she doesn’t, she can’t, because Bellatrix isn’t Bella anymore. She’s not the girl that held her hand in her first year at Hogwarts, when she would get lost in the castle. She’s not her Bella, the one that would grip her tightly, as they climbed that big oak tree in their garden.
Bella Black is long gone and has been for quite some time. Since Andromeda left, Narcissa thinks. That’s when it all became worse, that’s when she finally snapped. In her place now is Bellatrix Lestrange, a ruthless murderer. Narcissa doesn’t think about that.
The worst thing about it, is that Narcissa would still do anything for her, she thinks. And she knows that her Bella would start a war for her, if she asked her to, or if she was in danger. She also knows that her Bella would never, ever hurt her. This Bellatrix just might.
Narcissa clings to tiny slivers of hope, the smallest crumbles, that her Bella is still in there. That she can come back. That she’s not completely gone.
She’d spent two weeks in bed after Alice. She learned, she wasn’t dead, which gave her hope, but right after, she knew, Alice might as well have been dead.
Narcissa goes to St. Mungo’s hospital only once. She has to see for herself, she has to see if Alice is really gone. She thinks, selfishly, that she might be the one, who brings Alice out of it, because Alice loved her.
She doesn’t. Narcissa sits and sits at her bedside, willing, begging every force imaginable, to get Alice to look at her, to smile at her, to say her name.
“Alice, please. Alice, you have to see me. Alice come on, I’m here, can’t you see me?” she whispers, but Alice is still looking straight ahead of her, like Narcissa was just a part of the air.
Narcissa despises the Cruciatus curse. She always has, but now does a smaller tiny bit more. It took her sister away, her lover, her parents and even a bit of her childhood. She recollects the first time her parents used it on Bellatrix, right in front of little Narcissa, when Bella stole some chocolate from the pantry. Narcissa can still hear the screams of twelve-year-old Bella and she can feel the pure horror cursing through her veins. Bella took her upstairs after, she was trembling, and promised Narcissa that she was alright. Narcissa didn’t believe her.
When Bellatrix is arrested and goes to Azkaban a week later, Narcissa grieves her older sister, and her lover with an intense fury. She curses Andromeda for leaving her alone in this mess. She hadn’t heard from her ever since she ran away, four years ago.
Suddenly, Alice’s words come to mind. It stings, like stepping on a scorpion would, sharp and fast, but Narcissa remembers.
“You are your own person.”
Narcissa is her own person. She can do as she pleases. Who does she have left to protect now? She’s all on her own. She doesn’t want to be. She needs someone to protect, to care for, just like she needs water, to not wither away.
Narcissa has always been loyal.
Ten months later, Draco Malfoy is born. Narcissa lays eyes on him and thinks it’s the most beautiful creature she’s ever seen.
“You’re worth protecting. You’re worth living for,” she whispers to him as he babbles along. “Never forget that sweetheart.”