It was getting late, the music was becoming too loud, the room too small, my dress too tight and all the bodies of people surrounding me too suffocating.Panicking I looked around, searching for a familiar face, but they were all gone, swallowed up by the crowd.
I began to weave through the mass of people, trying to reach the common room portal. My lungs felt tight; I felt the panic creeping up on me. Silent but destructive.
As soon as the portal swung open, cool air from the corridor gently engulfed my skin. I took several deep breath, attempting to calm my racing heart. I breathes in through the nose, holding the air in my lungs for a couple second, and out through my mouth.
Once again I wondered why I had even agreed to attend the Ravenclaw common room party with my friends.
Places with a lot of people and noise made me anxious, and I knew it. But I made been a short circuit decision while trying to please others, I now regretted, because I didn’t want to slow my friends down again, and they already starting to distance themselves from me, but that was understandable. Because of reasons, which they once again, had accused with me earlier again. Apparently I always made a fuss and ruined their fun, by being to sensitive and quiet.
Panicking I looked around, dizzy and my heart still racing. The corridor was empty, multiple doorways going off into stairwells.
A few meters next to me, I saw a closed heavy oak door, which I knew lead to the astronomy tower. In a matter of seconds, I hurried over and gave it an experimental push, and it gave in.
I ascended the stairs up to the astronomy tower slowly. Careful to make as little noise as possible, not keen being caught.
As soon as entered I the tower, I immediately relaxed, my pulse slowing and a feeling of comfort settling over me.
I stepped towards the rail and leaned onto it, gazing into the star adorned sky and over the expansive grounds of the castle. Savoring the cold wind on my face, cooling me down, and grounding me once again. With close eyes I relished in the silence and solitude, only a slight thump of the music still floating through the air.
'What are you doing up here?‘ a deep smooth voice suddenly sounded behind me.
I spun around, coming face to face with Draco Malfoy, towering above me, looking down on me, wearing a white button down and simple black trousers.
For a moment onward I was stunned speechless, my blood pounding loudly in my ears.
'I just needed some quiet, but I don’t exactly have to explain myself to you.’ I stated, a little annoyed at myself that I had been caught in such a vulnerable moment.
He said nothing in return, instead he stepped forward and leaned next to me onto the rail. Then he pushed his hand into his pocket, took out a pack of cigarettes, removing a cigarette, lighting it and taking a drag. Slowly blowing out the smoke, his gaze fixed on an invisible point in the distance.
'You know’, he suddenly said, ' I always come out here when everything gets too overwhelming, the world too much and everything too heavy to bear. Here it is silent, just me and my thoughts.‘
I didn’t know what to say, let alone decipher why he just confined this in me. We were sitting together in charms class, but had never had a conversation beyond simple small talk or questions about class, so I was confused about the honesty of his sudden confession, if not the confession at all.
'Sorry for intruding, it wasn’t my intention to take this place from you.‘ I simply answered because I didn’t even know what to retort with. I was not sure whether to leave or stay.
'It’s alright, you weren’t aware of it.‘
After the short snippet of conversation, silence fell over us again.
I closed my eyes again, passively inhaling the smoke and finding a weird kind of comfort in it.
'You know, always when I socialize, I get this overwhelming feeling, that all eyes are on me. Everyone is judging me, talking about me. And then everything just becomes to much; the room too small, the people too close and everything too loud. My heart will be pounding, I‘ll feel dizzy and start trembling. I just…, I couldn’t stay in there.‘ my voice was quiet and I felt the heat rising into my cheeks, glad about the veil the darkness offered, encouraging my revelation. Still I was embarrassed about revealing such an intimate fact about myself. Especially to him; I didn’t mistrust him, but I didn’t exactly trust him either, it’s not like he could do much damage with the information but still I felt too vulnerable.
‚I know that feeling, but why’d you went tonight then?’ he replied quietly. His simple response somehow easing the embarrassment a little.
‘I don’t know, I had the feeling I had to try, I didn’t want to make a fuss, always be the one everyone pities and has to look after. I don’t want to slow them down.’
‘If they think you slow them down you have the wrong friends, they should be supportive of you and accept your flaws. If they really cared they would have found an alternative.’
‘I can’t expect that from them, I am the minority, I have to make compromises, otherwise I’ll just slow them down, they are right.’
‘Of course, in some way you might, but shouldn’t your health and mental well-being be situated above some party? They not only took you despite knowing you had a problem with it, but they also abandoned you, so that you had to deal with the situation alone? That is what is even more unacceptable!’ with every word his voice rose, sounding more and more aggravated.
Why did he care so much about how my friends apparently treated me? He didn’t even know me properly. And why did he think he had the right to judge and criticize my private life and friends.
‘Hm. I can’t change it anymore anyway. Next time I’ll know better.’ I was not in the mood for a hypothetical discussion about my friends and their motivations for their actions.
Silence again. Draco kept smoking his cigarette, I couldn’t help it to sneak a look at him from time to time, with the moonlight hitting the side of his face, making him seem like a character out of a gothic novel.
Suddenly our eyes meet, he slowly began seizing me up, I felt myself blush and quickly looked away out onto the infinite black grounds.
Next to me, I saw Draco flick his cigarette bud over the handrail.
‘I think I’ll go back to the common room now, I don’t want to get in trouble for strolling through the corridors after curfew. At least you can use your prefect privileges to warrant you being out after curfew.’ I said slightly angling my head towards Draco.
‘You could say that.’ he chuckled. ‘But I will accompany you, I’m feeling sleepy myself.’ he stated.
Together we descended the stairs of the tower and quietly strolled through the corridors down to the Slytherin common room. After we had entered through the portal I was about to head up to the dormitory.
‘Good night. Your friends, they don’t deserve you.’ Draco muttered before vanishing into the entry of the boys dormitory, leaving me perplexed behind.