James knew he was going to die. Ironic really, for someone who spent his whole like feeling so fragile, it shouldn’t have come as such a shock. Looking back he supposes the fragility of his life all depended on Regulus, but he wasn’t there in the last moments- no one was.
When James was 5, curious of the world and in love with the thought of experience, he would watch his parents. Observe the tucked away smiles and unashamed laughs- to James there was simply nothing more. Love. From being young James knew he was meant for love, meant to give his all to someone no matter if it killed him- and boy did it. The funny thing about love is that inherently its selfish. Only James Potter could turn something so selfish into something so pure, so utterly selfless. That’s the thing though… if love isn’t selfish, then its destructive.
Love destroyed James Potter.
When James was 16 he realised his parents love was different, special. When he was 16 he realised that their love wasn’t fragile. How he wishes his wasn’t so fragile. Hidden smiles turned into clear scowls and James felt powerless. At 16 this was the first time James Potter felt unlovable, felt that maybe he wasn’t meant for love. After all, how can you give your all to someone who isn’t there to receive it?
As it turns out, James did love again. It was soft, slow and unexpected. Every bit was tender, different- each feeling was new. Each feeling lacked the fragility. Without the fragility James found himself again- found that he was meant to not only love but also be loved.
Maybe he gave too much of himself last time. That’s what he was told. Or maybe they were just too different- that’s what they said also. James would have gave him everything though, slowly removed parts of himself until they were the same, until it would work. That, James thinks, was the breaking point. After all, without himself- how could he love? Step by step James is learning that to love is not to lose oneself in the process. To love is to find the rest of yourself.
Still, without that fragility James knew he would die. Bit by bit every day.
James knew he was going to die. Ironic really, because bit by bit every day he was also learning how to live again.