I've been so good
I've been helpful and friendly
James Potter is light embodied, he’s sweet, selfless, he’s the fucking sun. Since James was 11 he’s been trying to be good, to be helpful and it turns out he’s good at it. First Sirius, then Remus, Lily, Mary. Each person he helped seemed to solidify this, James Potter was the sun. And what does the sun do but shine?
I've been so good
Why am I feeling empty?
It turns out the sun does more than shine. It burns. It burns so fiercely that at some point it’ll burn out. The sun will inevitably extinguish. At around 14 James learnt what it was to feel empty, to feel so utterly and completely exhausted that he couldn’t cope. But the sun is far away and so it must burn brighter than any other star. It burns so brightly for others that no one can truly see what’s left behind from the burning.
I've been so good this year
I've been so good
But it's still getting harder
James learnt quickly enough that the easiest way to deal with the pain was to ignore it, focus on anything else. James chose to focus on good. Be good, do good, see good in everyone. As long as James was good everything would be fine, right? And he was so good at it. In first year when James found Remus in the dorms crying about some argument he had with Sirius, he vowed that he’d be the light his friends needed. After all, all James knew was light, growing up he was…well spoiled. Spoiled or not, James was good, right? If he was good then why did it hurt so much sometimes?
I've been so good
Where the hell is the karma?
I've been so good
I've been so good this year
Karma wasn’t something James often associated with good, with Gryffindors. James heard the word Karma and thought of all the things Sirius had told him about home, about all the pain that he had suffered, about the times Remus wished he was different- wished Greyback hadn’t sentenced him to misery. Karma. It was something he associated with evil, something that people would get when it was deserved, when they deserved some of their own pain. But now? James wishes for karma. Hasn’t the good been enough? Can’t he have some of his own good? His light is too sparse, too spread out from leading his friends- won’t someone lend James a light?
Why are you asking me why?
My days and nights are filled with disappointment
It was only when James was alone that he felt he could be honest. Felt he could let the grief overflow him, let the hurt drown him until the pressure on his lungs, on his heart was numb. It’s strange really, here in the darkness, under the protection of a silencing charm, James can be real. But he doesn’t feel real. He feels so completely wrong. So undeniably wrong and selfish. James can’t be sad, he hasn’t earned it, he has great parents, amazing friends and finds school easy. What else is there? At the age of 15 James starts to wonder if maybe there’s more that he could be, something he isn’t doing. At the age of 15 James comes to the conclusion that he isn’t enough. At the age of 15 James decides he’ll be better.
Fine, oh, no, everything's fine
I'm not sure why I booked today's appointment
Better. Ha. At 15 James was so terribly wrong. At 17 James still doesn’t know- all he knows is that he isn’t fine. James is so far from fine. But why? Sometimes he thinks Peter is the only one that understands- the only one that can truly see that James isn’t fine. It should be a relief, but it isn’t. James is fine. James is so completely fine that he doesn’t want anyone to worry, even when Peter looks unconvinced James continues to deny the fact that he is definitely not fine. At 17 James starts to question what fine even is…
I've been so good
I've been helpful and friendly
Good. It’s the same mantra that James chants day in and day out. Good. Be good, be kind, be helpful, be the person that everyone needs. Be the person that will breathe when others feel they can’t. Be what others can’t be, be the fucking pedestal for gods sake. James needs to be better. If he’s better someone will help. Right? Someone will notice the pedestal crumbling and raise him up again, right?
I've been so good
Why am I feeling empty?
I've been so good
I've been so good this year
OWLs, NEWTs, Quidditch, Head boy. Whatever excuse there is, James has it. Whatever reason is possible to be more James will take it. Sometimes he finds he can’t feel empty, he busies himself so much with helping other people that he forgets what it is to feel at all. That is until the sun sets. When the sun sleeps the world goes dull, in the safety of the night James doesn’t need to burn, doesn’t need to oversee and protect- once the moon is out James can become hollow.
And I've been so good
But it's still getting harder
I've been so good
Where the hell is the karma?
I've been so good
I've been so good this year
Harder? Its laughable really. Well maybe not to anyone but James. But no one but James knows, and so he can decide what is and isn’t right. By the time he’s 17 everything is so hard. Sleeping is hard, but so is getting up. Working is hard but so is ignoring it. Talking is hard, its so hard. But when he isn’t talking? It’s harder, it hurts. It isn’t until James is 17 that he realises that he can’t save everyone. And that’s hard. If James can’t save everyone what’s the point? What worth does the sun have if it doesn’t shine over everyone? But then again, the sun gets a break- the sun gets supported by the moon. Oh how James longs for a moon- someone to take his weight from him- has he not earned it? Has he not been good?
What? Am I normal or not?
Am I crazier than other patients?
James doesn’t know what’s normal or not. He feels so totally lost when he looks at his friends and sees concern, when he sees his reflection and sees nothing. He feels completely out of his depth when his parents verbalise their worries, when Mcgonagall pulls him aside for a talk, asking if he needs to step down from some of his roles. Failing. James Potter is failing. He isn’t giving enough. People are disappointed and its his fault. James has to give more, he needs to be more. He needs to be a better son, a better friend, a better boyfriend, a better student. Better? No, he has to be the best. If not, what’s the point?
Right, I've done everything right
So where's the karma, Doc? I've lost my patience
He wonders where he went wrong, at which point it was that he stepped onto a different path- a path that everyone seems to hate. Looking at Regulus, James wants to scream. Worried. Ha. He just wants to combust, to burn up. Has he not been going about everything right? He’s given everything to being Regulus’ boyfriend, ensured he’s giving enough, helping enough, listening enough- yet here regulus is saying that it’s wrong. Maybe James is just wrong- maybe he isn’t giving enough? He can be good; he can learn to be more. But Regulus sits here silently, he doesn’t want James to be more- he wants him to be okay, to be himself. James feels lost. He doesn’t know who he is if not in the context of others. He doesn’t know how to just be James.
'Cause I've been so good
I've been working my ass off
I've been so good
Still, I'm lonely and stressed out
As each day passes James becomes more and more ghostly. His normally tanned skin looks ill, his curly hair is limp, and his eyes have lost that unwavering shine. The more he works, the more exhausted he feels. He just wants to sleep, to hide away from everyone and rest for an eternity but his mind wont shut off long enough for his eyes to even close. At 18 is the first time that James considers that maybe he isn’t good. It’s the first time that James considers that no matter what he gives maybe it will never be enough because James is inherently bad. Maybe that’s why everyone looks at him with hurt, each time Remus frowns at the offer to do his work, maybe its just because he’s repulsed. Maybe each time he begs Sirius to let him help he gets denied because Sirius knows evil, he knows darkness- maybe every time he looks at James that’s all he sees. Maybe James just isn’t good, not good enough to deserve any of it.
I've been so good
I've been so good this year
And I've been so good
But it's still getting harder
I've been so good
Where the hell is the karma?
I've been so good
I've been so good this year
Anytime James thinks of the word good he wants to cry. He tried so hard to reach the standard, but he failed. He failed to light to world, failed to stabalise the ground that everyone walked on, failed to not burn up. If James was truly good, why would he crumble like this? If James was good, where the fucking hell is the karma? Where’s the peace? The quiet? If James were good he’d be able to give enough.
Time, I know we're out of time
But what if sad thoughts come and I can't stop it?
At 18 James lets the suffering take over. If he can’t fight it, why not succumb to it? Thought after thought floods his mind as he lies in bed day in and day out. Deep down James knows its too late, he gave too much of himself and now he’s ran out of time to rebuild the pieces.
Bye, I don't wanna say bye
If only I could keep you in my pocket
Leaving school doesn’t help. He doesn’t remember his last week; he just knows he should have. James remembers looking forward to growing up, being excited to experience the world with his friends but now he struggles to even consider a future. He doesn’t want to say goodbye, he doesn’t want to grow up, to accept these emotions are more than exam stress, more than a random act of teenage rebellion. James doesn’t want to accept that he just feels so totally helpless and sad. James Potter is sad but why?
To give me some diagnosis of why I'm so hollow
Please give me instructions, I promise I'll follow
Therapy. It’s funny really. James shouldn’t need therapy. Everyone keeps telling him that it’s okay, that you’re allowed to feel and that its human to need to talk. James is learning this step by step. He’s learning that sometimes just being there is enough. He learns not to be so harsh on himself, to accept the kindness of those around him. Still, he knows that threes more to do- James knows that there will still be bad days. But now? Now James also knows that there will be good days, no matter how far away they seem.
I tripped on my ankle and fractured my elbow
But doesn't that mean that the tour's gonna sell, though?
I try to explain the good faith that's been wasted
But after an hour, it sounds like complaining
James knows that it’s okay to talk, okay to need others but sometimes it doesn’t feel okay. He tried to be open, to explain that he doesn’t feel like enough, to explain that all his efforts have gone wasted but everyone disagrees. They try to explain to him that family doesn’t require someone to give themselves away, but isn’t that what James is good at? James thinks he’d give himself away to anyone if they asked soft enough.
Wait, don't go away, can I lie here forever?
You say that I'm better, why don't I feel better?
Sometimes the bad days take over. The days where getting out of bed and facing the world is too much. Sometimes James feels like all the progress made is for nothing, the progress is worthless if he can’t repay those who’ve helped him. On those days James likes to reflect on what he has, on the days when he can’t seem to find the energy, the energy comes to him- Sirius updating him about his art, Regulus filling him in on the gossip around Hogwarts, Peter sitting by him as he reads. On the bad days people male sure to help him shine. Its been a learning process for everyone really, at some point everyone remembered that the sun can burn up- and since the enlightenment, everyone was ensured that they all take their turns to burn so James doesn’t need to.
The universe works in mysterious ways
But I'm starting to think it ain't working for me
Doctor, should I be good, should I be good this year?
Good. Maybe James doesn’t need to be good. Next year James is going to settle for being himself. Being himself is enough, being himself will allow him to shine. And oh does he miss shining. James misses the warmth, next year he’s going to step back out into it- but this time for himself and no one else.