James Potter mourned his death alone.
Not his own death, of course, though for him it must’ve felt like it was.
James Potter mourned the death of his closest companion, his friend, his lover.
And he mourned it as he loved him; passionately, quietly, and secretly.
Regulus Black was a shadow, a star that flickered dimly in the large universe.
But for James Potter, he was the light that brightened his world.
When James heard the news, he was a friend. To him, Regulus Black was simply the baby brother of his closest friend. He accompanied his friend throughout his mourning, as long as he could.
Two days later, Sirius Black was nowhere to be seen; he had hidden himself in mourning.
And so James finally–finally– broke. This time, he was a lover, and he had lost his light.
James Potter could not mourn his lover even after his death, so he did it silently, quietly, hidden in the dark corner of his room as he once had with Regulus.
He wished he could’ve mourned louder, in the light, but he cannot, must not, should not.
So he hid in his room and cried silent tears and muffled sobs, wishing his lover was there, calmly muttering comforting words and stroking a gentle hand against James’ hunched back.
He did not know what broke him.
Perhaps it was how Sirius glared at him each time he tried to comfort him.
Perhaps it was how Professor McGonagall looked at him with pity in her eyes as if she knew something she shouldn’t(Mustn’t. Couldn’t.).
Perhaps it was how his friends silently comforted Sirius for the loss of his brother.
Of course, Sirius deserved to be comforted much, much more than him. He was his brother, after all, and had spent nearly his entire life with Regulus.
But perhaps he had had enough of silently loving Regulus,
Because when Sirius and him were alone in his room, James Potter finally broke.
James confessed to Sirius a tear stained confession; he was in love with his brother.
Was. Is.
He is in love with Regulus Black.
Sirius gaped at him,
His gaze full of hatred.
‘How could you?’ Sirius had whispered.
James was not even sad of Sirius’ hatred. He expected it; deserved it.
‘Why would you tell me now?’
Sirius sobbed, but James could not tell at what.
‘James.’
James Potter felt his heart break again. Sirius doesn’t call me that.
‘James, why would you tell me that?’
‘I don’t know, Padfoot.’
Sirius buried his face in his hand, and a soft voice came out of him.
‘You shouldn’t have told me. Get out, James.’
James nodded, wiping the tears away from his face. He headed to the bathroom and washed his face, hiding any signs of his grief though it might have already been useless.
Regulus wouldn’t have minded people knowing.
Regulus Black had always wanted to love his lover, James Potter, as sincerely as he did, in the light.
He didn’t mind hiding it, though, for as long as James was happy.
James regretted it.
He would’ve flaunted his love for Regulus Black.
He could’ve flaunted his love for Regulus Black.
…He should’ve flaunted his love for Regulus Black.
Because now, not only did he lose his lover, his closest companion, but also his best friend, the only other person that had brightened Regulus Black’s flickering light.
Oh, how James Potter wished he could turn back time and love Regulus in all of his glory, loudly and proudly in the light.