Chapter 18
November 5, 1975
James
Maybe appointing Mary a (temporary) captain was a bad idea.
James needs a distraction now more than ever, but after Madam Pomfrey found out about his recent participation in Quidditch practice she made it crystal clear he was forbidden from flying for at least another week (she, in fact, mentioned something about ‘a month of no serious physical activity’, but James couldn’t care less). Having Mary as a (temporary) Quidditch captain is nice – or so Sirius says – but knowing that you are supposed to be in the air and instead being treated like a terminally ill patient is unfair.
James could tolerate the lack of Quidditch in his life given he still had something else to hold on to, but after that last (probably in his life) conversation with the younger Black there’s nothing keeping him from self-sabotage. His friends’ attempts to talk to him have been in vain, and the only time James allows himself to socialise is on those rare occasions when he goes to the Great Hall. He hates the piercing glances he feels on his back each time he heads to the Gryffindor table, but at least he stopped being questioned after Sirius threatened to bite off a finger of a second-year Hufflepuff asking James about the latter’s injuries.
Ever since his best friend’s unsuccessful attempt to throw a Halloween party James has been trying to avoid Sirius. It’s not his fault James is fucked in the head, and letting his guard slip now would be quite selfish. Sirius should be having fun out there, and he couldn’t do it with James dragging him down with his personal shit. And considering that the personal shit in question is closely intertwined with Regulus, there is no way James talks to his older brother before sorting his feelings out.
A rainy Wednesday morning welcomes James with the same depressing thoughts he’s been having for the past few days. Being left to your own devices while mourning the end of your love life feels like the end of the world to James. How could he ever allow himself to entertain the idea of being happily in a relationship with Regulus? How could he be such a fool? Euphemia taught him to always be open about his feelings, saying that honesty is the best gift you can offer to another person. ‘Guess you were wrong, mum,’ James thinks. ‘More wrong than you could ever imagine.’
James’ sick leave allowing him not to attend classes officially ended yesterday, and he was supposed to join his classmates in DADA this morning. Instead, the boy finds himself wrapped in a blanket wearing the same clothes as from the last week, his face stinging with tears. He’s never felt this miserable and out of whack before, as if his life was being sucked out of him by ten dementors at once, and he’s pretty sure this feeling won’t go away any time soon. ‘All because I liked a boy,’ James sighs.
He blinks a few times trying to adjust to the morning light as he pokes his head from under the covers to take a sip of water. Sirius’ and Peter’s beds are made and empty, the only other living creature in the room besides James being his owl. He gently pats the bird on the head and slowly breathes in and out, letting fresh air fill his lungs.
‘Alright there, buddy?’ James murmurs.
The owl squeaks and leans into James’ touch. They sit like that for another minute, until James slightly withdraws and, exhausted from this short interaction, falls back to sleep.
Sirius
‘Macdonald, you good?’
‘Yeah, s’okay.’
‘Sure?’
‘Cross my heart, Black.’
‘And hope to die?’
Mary just shakes her head and rubs her strained foot while leaning on Sirius.
‘By the way, I’m sorry for being a dick. I swear on my broom it won’t happen again,’ Sirius pleads.
‘How about you swear on your jacket instead?’ Mary raises an eyebrow.
‘My most priceless possession? Know your place, Macdonald,’ Sirius smirks, but as Mary’s expression darkens, he quickly adds, ‘here, on the bench, while I ask for Poppy.’
Mary just rolls her eyes and lets out an exasperated sigh.
‘McKinnon, c’mere!’
After long hours spent in his DADA class and double Potions with Slytherin, Sirius finally heads to the dorm and takes a long shower. James was in bed when he came back, most likely having spent the whole morning and afternoon sleeping, so Sirius leaves his sweaty uniform on the headboard and presses a soft kiss on James’ forehead before leaving for the Great Hall.
Busy days are the best days in Sirius’ opinion. After everything that’s happened in the past few weeks he is more than grateful to be able to spend all his free time either with his friends or playing Quidditch. He even started going to the library more often, trying to catch up with all the classes he either skipped or slept through, which is probably his biggest academic achievement this year so far. Nevertheless, no matter how hard Sirius tries, he can’t stop thinking about James slipping right through his fingers, as if he’s turned into some kind of liquid, determined to leave Sirius for good.
Sirius picks at the salad with his fork and pretends to listen to Marlene’s impression of yesterday’s Ravenclaw party.
‘…so I asked her, like, “What do you think you’re doing here? I’ve seen you hanging out with that lot, you’re not welcome”, and you know what she said? I quote, “I am profoundly sorry you feel this way about me, but I can assure you I have the best of intentions and will not cause you any trouble with my presence”. Can you believe that?’
‘No way,’ Sirius says, all eyes on his salad.
‘Yes way! And then that Ravenclaw girl I met at the match – Cas – she asked me to leave because apparently I was making a scene! I was only being protective because Pa- Sirius? Hello?’
Sirius blinks and looks back at Marlene. ‘Isn’t Dorcas in Slytherin, though?’
‘What? Who?’ Marlene slightly raises her voice.
‘Meadows. She’s a Slytherin, not Ravenclaw.’
‘What does she have to do with anything?’
‘You said you met Cas.’
Marlene breathes out. ‘Cassandra. She’s a Ravenclaw. Chaser.’
‘Oh. ‘kay, makes sense.’
Marlene purses her lips.
‘You weren’t really listening, were you?’
‘Nah, sorry. I’m still worried about James, that’s why.’
‘How’s he doing?’ Marlene asks.
‘Dunno. He’s not talking to me and Pete, just sleeps through the day. Was supposed to come to classes today but,’ Sirius sighs, ‘you know, it’s just too much for now,’ he finishes.
‘I’m really sorry, Sirius. If there’s anything me and the girls can do to help, let us know,’ Marlene gently squeezes his hand.
‘Cheers, Marls. I appreciate it,’ Sirius smiles wryly. ‘Anyway, is Macdonald still in infirmary?’
‘Yes, Lily’s with her. They should be here anytime soon, though.’
‘Good. That’s good.’
‘Do you want me to keep you company for a while? I was going to the library right after lunch, feel free to join,’ Marlene says.
‘Sure, I was going to work on that essay for Slughorn, anyway. But I have to bring James some food beforehand, he should have something to eat,’ Sirius shrugs his shoulders.
‘’Course, I’ll go with you. And you know it’s not your fault James’s like that now, right? Just give it some time, love.’
‘Thanks, MacKinnon. Really.’
‘Anytime, Black. Anytime.’
Regulus
With only five days left before the inevitable meeting with Bellatrix, Regulus decides that it’s time to seriously focus on hiding the Cup. That’s exactly why he finds himself on the floor at the girls’ dorm downing his second glass of firewhisky with Dorcas.
‘So,’ Regulus finally breaks the silence, ‘How’s life?’
Dorcas laughs.
‘Seriously, Reg? “How’s life?”
Regulus simply shrugs his shoulders and clears his throat.
‘Ehm, how’s Marlene?’
‘She’s good’, Dorcas smiles softly.
‘Good.’
‘Yeah.’
Regulus anxiously picks on the skin around his nails and takes another swallow of his drink. He doesn’t know what he’s even doing here – showing up unannounced at Meadows’ was never in his plans. Yet he’s here, drinking with her and not knowing what to say for the first time in his life. His head is empty, his stomach is burning, and he’d rather be anywhere else but at Hogwarts.
‘Actually, I talked to Remus the other day,’ Dorcas says suddenly.
‘What about?’ Regulus locks his eyes with hers.
‘He asked me not to tell you but I figured you’d find out anyway, so…’ she bites her lip.
Regulus cautiously shifts. ‘What is it, Meadows?’ he asks coldly.
‘Well, it’s ab—’
‘Hi gorgeous,’ Regulus hears from behind.
‘Pandora, hi, how are you?’ Dorcas gets abruptly from the floor and gives her a hug.
‘All good, all good. I didn’t see you yesterday, where were you? Hi, Reg, nice to see you,’ Pandora turns to Regulus.
‘You too, Dora.’
‘Want a drink?’ Dorcas nods at the unfinished bottle of firewhisky.
‘No thank you, but I appreciate it that you asked,’ she smiles softly.
‘No problem. So,’ Dorcas looks at Pandora, ignoring Regulus on purpose, ‘how was the party? I’m still hungover from last Friday,’ she laughs. Regulus just rolls his eyes.
‘Oh, it was okay. Marlene McKinnon was there,’ Pandora says.
‘Yeah, I know’, Dorcas says and then frowns. ‘I mean, I didn’t, you just told me-’
‘It’s okay, Dorcas, I know you two are dating.’
Regulus smirks. Of course she knows.
‘But how?’ Dorcas freezes.
‘It’s obvious,’ Pandora simply says.
‘To whom?’
‘To me.’
Regulus throws an apathetic look at Dorcas. ‘Can’t hide anything now, can you?’
She just stares blankly at her glass.
‘So,’ Pandora starts, ‘Marlene said she didn’t want me at the party. She seemed really upset about my presence.’
‘She said what?’ Dorcas says, bewildered.
‘Too many revelations for just one day,’ Regulus sighs.
‘I think it was because of that Quidditch incident? Marlene is a nice girl, I reckon she just got caught up with all of it. After all, she nearly lost her friend,’ Pandora looks empathetically at Dorcas.
‘Wait, Dora, you’re not making any sense. What does the attack have to do with Marlene?’ Dorcas asks confusedly.
‘Oh, sorry. She didn’t want to see me there because I’m friends with Slytherins,’ she shrugs her shoulders.
‘WHAT?’ Dorcas screamed. ‘She said what?’ she repeated.
‘It’s okay, Dorcas, I’m sure it’s all a misunderstanding. She was a bit drunk, and I was there, and it’s all a big mess now. The rivalry between Gryffindor and Slytherin is flourishing, Marlene was just being emotional, she’s such a nice girl…’
‘Dora, no offense, but your optimism isn’t always to the point,’ Regulus shakes his head. ‘But you,’ Regulus points to Dorcas, ‘should really talk to your girlfriend.’
Dorcas nervously runs her fingers through her hair.
‘And what the fuck am I supposed to say, Reg? “Hey, Marls, I just found out you acted like a raging bitch yesterday, would you be so kind as to elaborate on that, please?”
Regulus clicks his tongue and rolls his eyes.
‘I agree with Regulus, Dorcas. You two should talk it out.’
‘Great. Wow. Amazing,’ Dorcas reaches for the bottle and pours herself another glass. ‘Drunk conversation with my girlfriend is exactly what I need right now.’
‘We could come with you, if you want,’ Regulus suggests. ‘Be the moral support and all, you know.’
‘How about you stay the fuck away?’
‘What’s with the attitude, Meadows?’
‘Sorry. I’m just- never mind. Bottoms up,’ she salutes to Regulus and Pandora and, finishing her drink, leaves the room.
‘I’ll go after her,’ Regulus says to Pandora. ‘Merlin knows what state she’ll be in afterwards.’
‘Be careful, Reg,’ Pandora sighs. ‘And take care of her, if she needs it.’
‘Of course, Dora. It was nice seeing you.’
‘You too, Regulus.’
Without thinking twice, Regulus heads to the Gryffindor Tower. He completely understands McKinnon – he hates most Slytherins himself – but she can’t let emotions take control over her, not when it comes to Dorcas. She’s one of the sanest and kindest Slytherins he’s had the chance to befriend, and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like a criminal by her own girlfriend, especially not behind her back. He knows better than anyone what is like to almost lose someone you care about, but he, for one, never lets his emotions cloud his judgement. Except when he does, of course.
Before he knows it, Regulus is at his destination. Dorcas is just within 15 feet from him, her face flushed, her pupils dilated. Marlene is within her reach, looking at her girlfriend confusedly.
‘Why do I have to learn from other people that you were attacking my friends behind my back?’ Dorcas screams.
‘Babe, what are you talking about?’ Marlene crosses her hands on her chest.
‘The Ravenclaw party? You calling out Pandora for being friends with Slytherins? What the fuck was that, babe?’ Dorcas copies Marlene’s pose.
‘Dorcas, I swear, it wasn’t like that,’ Marlene says defensively.
‘What was it like, then, ha?’
‘It’s not about you, Dorcas. Your people attacked my friend, what was I supposed to do?’ Marlene shoots back.
‘Pandora has nothing to do with fucking Mulciber and Avery! It’s not her fault!’ Dorcas raises her voice.
‘It’s everyone’s fault!’
‘Mine, too?’
‘Yes! Fucking yes! No one seems to give a fuck about the attack, not even professors! And Slytherins? You think I didn’t hear Crouch and Rosier making jokes about James, ha?’
‘They literally beat the shit out of Mulciber and Avery after the attack, what the fuck are you on?’ Dorcas screams.
‘So they didn’t say “If pottery is fireproof, why isn't Potter?” at Potions today?’ Marlene says mockingly.
‘They just overheard Yaxley and Crabbe, it wasn’t-’
‘Do you even hear yourself?’
‘I can’t do it anymore, Marlene,’ Dorcas hides her face in her palms.
‘Fair enough. You can’t see past your own nose, Dorcas,’ Marlene says accusingly.
‘You know, I would actually be on your side if you weren’t trying to prove a point by jumping to the wrong conclusions.’
‘I guess I won’t know since you’re the one in the wrong.’
‘Fuck you, Marlene.’
‘No, fuck you, Dorcas! Get out of here!’ Marlene shouts. ‘Get out!’
Dorcas turns around and walks in Regulus’ direction. Once Marlene has left the hallway, he reaches out to Dorcas and embraces her in a tight hug.
‘I’m sorry, Dorcas,’ he says as she cries silently into his shoulder.
‘What an awful week,’ Regulus thinks to himself. ‘And it’s not even over yet.’