Chapter 1
August 31, 1975
Regulus
He can’t sleep a wink. That’s the last day before his 5th year at Hogwarts starts and he can’t stop thinking. His mind is meticulously going through the summer, reaching all the things he has had to go through during those excruciating two months. He has been trying to hide them within the palaces of his mind, he has been telling himself that his actions do not define him as a person, the person he’s been so frightened to become. But there is no way back. This is him now.
They say, ‘Son, you are not to disappoint us’. They say, ‘Cousin, you ought to pay more attention to the unforgivables’. They say, ‘Mr. Black, you will make the right choice in the end, won’t you?’ And all he can do is nod and say, ‘Oui maman. I shall make you proud’. All he can do is smile and say, ‘Of course, Bella’. All he can do is shake their hand politely and say, ‘I assure you I will’.
He’s been living in lies all his life. He has never really been given a chance to tell the truth. You either tell them what they want to hear and play puppet, or you die. He has done awful, terrifying, unforgivable things. Did he have a choice? Yes, he did. He could do as he was told, or he could face painful death. And Regulus isn’t ready to die. At least not yet.
He genuinely thought it would get easier with time. What do they say? ‘Fake it till you make it’? Well, now Regulus knows for sure that it’s bullshit. If you fake it, you only lose yourself in the process. You rip yourself apart on the inside, you cry, you scream, you bleed, you drown, and there’s no one there to save you. You become a prisoner in your own body and mind, unable to move, to feel, to be. He knows better than most that life is unfair. You can fight with all your might and still lose. You can play the game by their rules but you still lose, because they cheat. But if you try to cheat, you lose anyway, because it’s just how it works.
Regulus sighs and comes up to the window. It’s the middle of the night, the sun set hours ago, and it is still hours before it rises again, welcoming everyone with its open arms, warming every child, every animal, every wizard, and every witch. Everyone but Regulus. He hasn’t left Grimmauld Place much this summer. He looks sick and pale, way too old for a 15-year-old kid. If you saw him in public you would most likely think he’s terminally ill, but that’s just the price you pay for belonging to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.
Barty and Evan were invited for banquets and balls, but they never really had a chance to talk. Instead, Regulus was forced to spend a bit too much time accompanied by Bella and Rabastan, doing the things he’d be thrown in Azkaban for. He was never 'held captive' for long. Not because anyone would care about him not being present at a party, but because he had to be an amateur for the guests. Maman would be mad if he didn’t play piano with his brother for at least an hour, and Bella enjoyed listening to Regulus play. He was her favourite cousin - at least that’s what she said. Regulus isn’t sure it is true, because a loving cousin wouldn’t force him to go through what he did.
He looks out of the window, searching for The Star. It started out as a fun activity when he was younger and has turned into a habit throughout the years. He wishes it were winter. The Star isn’t visible now, which is a shame. It is supposed to be shining every single night, without any exception. It deserves to be seen by everyone, deserves to be adored, and praised, and cherished, twenty-four hours a day seven days a week.
He thinks to himself, ‘But it is not fair. The Star would be exhausted to shine all the time, and it has to take care of itself, even if it means it has to disappear from my view every summer. But here I am, looking for it and failing to see even though I know exactly where to look.’
Regulus climbs back to his bed, taking out a small notebook and a quill from under the mattress. He opens it carefully, fingers running down its spine, trying to smooth out any creases which have appeared after years of use. He writes in neat calligraphic letters, exactly how maman has taught him to:
August 31, 1975
I may be a lost cause, but I have to make sure I can still save him.
September 1, 1975
Sirius
To be honest, Sirius hates Mondays, but this Monday is looking pretty promising. He woke up early, unable to fall back to sleep, thinking excitedly about the moment when he jumps into James’ arms.
If you ask Sirius, this summer has been very shitty. Crazy cousins, their stupid husbands, and damn parents haven’t let him relax for a bit. Being a rebel hasn’t been that helping, but he knows better when to stop and play nice. Sirius may be committed to his own beliefs and opinions, but he is ready to forget about them all when Regulus’ safety is at stake.
Walburga and Orion are well-known for their manipulation tactics, their lies, violence, and hatred towards their own children. If you think you could ever make them proud by abiding by all of their rules, you are either dumb or don’t know them well. Maybe both.
Now that Sirius is almost 16 his parents have been not so ambiguously implying about their plans for his future.
Sirius has been dreading coming of age, because, unlike his friends and peers, it doesn’t mean freedom for him - on the contrary, it means the actual end of it. Walburga knows that Sirius’ weak spot is Regulus, and in order to get Sirius to do exactly what she wants, she threatens to use the cruciatus curse on his little brother each time Sirius dares to disobey her or Orion. One might not believe it for many reasons, such as why would a mother ever hurt her own child? Well, she’s a shitty mother, that’s for one. The Dark Lord is more of a family to her than the boys she gave birth to.
Sirius was promised that Regulus would be left alone if he started acting like the heir at once. That involved being more committed to the family gatherings, making ‘suitable friends’ and, most importantly, agreeing to be a part of the dark side. While Sirius definitely spent lots of time with his not so beloved cousins and their husbands, he certainly never meant it when he said he would take into consideration the honour of becoming a death eater. He was sure he would get away with one lie. What could possibly go wrong?
Little did Sirius know that while he was playing the piano during banquets, Regulus was made to use the unforgivables on animals, under strict control of Bellatrix. Little did Sirius know that while he was chatting with Cissy, Regulus was being tortured by Rabastan for not having it in himself to cast a dark curse on an innocent creature. Little did Sirius know that while he was sleeping and dreaming of James and Peter, Regulus was screaming at the top of his lungs in another nightmare he’d been having since they came back from Hogwarts.
It is not his fault he never realised that Regulus would never be left alone, no matter what Sirius said or did. Unless he committed completely and irrevocably to the dark side, his little brother would always be in danger. He didn’t realise it then, but maybe one day the truth would be revealed to him. For now, he is just a 15-year-boy looking forward to meeting his best friends after months of being apart. Humming to himself happily, Sirius puts on his neatly ironed robs, gets his trunk ready, and goes down for his last summer breakfast at Grimmauld Place.
James
James smiles broadly when Sirius rushes to him on the train. Not seeing your best mate for two months is hard, not being able to talk to him because your owl has been banned from his house is even harder.
‘Prongs!’ Sirius shouts, hugging James tightly. ‘I’ve missed you so fucking much!’
‘Yeah Pads, tell me about it,’ James smirks, returning a hug. ‘How was your summer?’
James knows it’s never easy for Sirius to get back to the place one is supposed to call home, and he wishes he could do something - no, anything - to help him. But all he can do is be there for Sirius, even though his best friend isn’t a huge fan of talking about his feelings.
He sees Sirius hesitate before he says, ‘Same old shit. Walburga was a bitch, Orion turned into a mad man, and Bella's become even crazier than she already was after marrying Lestrange. I know it’s hard to believe, but she acts as if she’s completely lost her mind.’
‘I doubt she was ever sane, mate,’ James retorts. ‘And what about your br—’ James never manages to finish his question, because Peter comes in, smiling and greeting them.
‘Pads, Prongs,’ Peter greets them, his skin tanned after a holiday in Spain. James received a few postcards from him with pictures of Barcelona and Valencia, and is happy to finally catch up with all of his friend's summer adventures.
‘Hi, Wormy, how was Spain?’
Peter smiles, looking determined to start a long monologue about all the places he visited and the muggle girl he befriended in Barcelona. James and Sirius listen attentively, laughing at how Pete forgot to take the girl’s phone number (they may be purebloods, but they still try to catch up with muggles’ inventions) and how he got sick after drinking too much of cheap wine with her. They end up talking about everything and nothing, sharing laughs and their thoughts about what their sixth year at Hogwarts would bring them.
‘So, James, any plans on how to win Lily’s heart?’ Peter asks, opening up a chocolate frog.
‘Yeah, Prongs! You haven’t mentioned her at all today, that’s very unlike you. Maybe you have moved on to someone new?’ Sirius says, a smug smile on his face.
James shrugs. He hasn’t told them he lost his feelings for Lily a long time ago. There are no adjectives in any language which would describe how amazing she is, and James knows for sure he loves her like he loves his friends, but she is not the one, and she’s never been. The reason he never confessed to his friends about it is because his feelings for Lily have always being something steady in all of their lives. Sirius moved on from girl to girl, Peter had a new crush every month (nothing serious though; he says he feels too young for relationships), but James’ romantic feelings towards Lily have always been a constant. And, honestly, it’s a bit scary when you realise that for years you’ve been trying to simply fill the void, because you never let yourself open up completely about who you really are. But James decides that telling them the whole truth might be too much for now. He’s still questioning a lot, and maybe it’s better to keep most of it to himself.
‘Umm, I’ve kinda moved on from her, lads,’ James sighs, rubbing the back of his head. ‘There’s no one new, though, I just realised I can’t keep chasing her when it is clear she isn’t interested in me that way.’
‘I can’t believe it, Prongs, you have finally got mature,’ Sirius says mockingly. ‘Hope the next girl you fancy will see how perfect you are and you won’t have to suffer from unrequited love.’
Girl. The next girl.
‘I’m with Sirius on this one. I’m glad you’re over her honestly, you’ve been a pain in the ass trying to get her attention. It was fun while it lasted, but it’s cool you decided to finally let her go.’
‘Thank you, lads. Wormy, that Spanish girl has turned you wise, you’re like a brand new person.’
‘Guess I am now,’ Peter smirks, taking a bite of his chocolate frog. ‘You want some?’
Remus
Remus is back at Hogwarts and he can’t believe he’ll be out of here in just two years. He can’t say, unlike many, that Hogwarts is his second home. He’s safe and sound here, and it’s a nice feeling, but he misses his mum a lot.
Hope Lupin is the kindest and loveliest woman to ever walk on earth. At least that’s what Remus thinks. When he’s at home, he tries to spend as much time with her as possible, listening to music together, making chocolate pies, and discussing books they both have read. Hope was the one to teach Remus what beauty is hidden in books, and what escape they can be during hard times. And Remus’ life is a never ending hard time.
If Hope is his guardian angel, Lyall Lupin is his worst nightmare. He’s the embodiment of ruthless behaviour and destruction. He’s the man in those muggle stories who scares kids to death at night. He crawls into your mind and tears everything to pieces, until you beg him for mercy, until your screams are louder than those of drowning men during a storm. Remus misses his mother, but he doesn’t miss his house. His house has never been a home, no. He’s not sure he’s ever had a home at all.
At dinner Remus spots Regulus and comes up to him. He’s a year younger but it never stopped the two of them from being best friends. They connected almost instantaneously, perhaps, because of trauma, perhaps, because of their shared interest in books. But perhaps the planets and the stars aligned one day, letting two soulmates find each other in the world which has never been fair to either of them.
‘Hey, Reg,’ Remus says as he takes a seat next to Regulus. It’s a pity they didn’t manage to talk on the train, as Remus was too invested in talking to Evan about his unrequited love for Barty Crouch. Life has been a bit easier when his roommate after a random party in spring found out about Remus’ sexuality and opened up about himself in return.
‘Hi, Remus. I missed you a lot,’ Regulus smiles, patting Remus on the shoulder.
‘Won’t even ask how your summer was. Bet it was shitty’.
Regulus’ face visibly grimaces, but then he smirks and says, ‘Couldn’t have been worse than yours, Lupin. Your condition is much worse than mine, though I doubt being a Black isn’t a curse, either.’
Remus is relieved that Regulus knows about him being a werewolf. He was petrified first, of course he was, but Regulus never betrayed Remus’ trust and proved throughout the years that he would never reveal Remus’ secret to anyone. On the contrary, he did his best to make sure Remus’ life was easier, delicately taking care of him after full moons. Remus has never been more grateful to anyone than he is to Regulus. Being a loner has its pros, but it mostly has cons. And friendship with Regulus has proved to Remus that all the weight from secrets is carried easier when there’s someone by your side carrying it with you.
‘Touché. Do you have any plans after dinner? You can come to ours, Barty and Evan would be happy to talk to you,’ Remus says chewing his salad.
‘Sorry, I didn’t really have enough sleep last night, I wanted to go to bed earlier. Maman would be mad if she found out I didn’t show up to my first classes due to oversleeping,’ Regulus says apologetically, looking down at his food. He didn’t touch a piece, and Remus is sure it has everything to do with his abusive parents, but he doesn’t say anything. Not the right place and not the right time. ‘Besides, they both have been at my place this summer, so it’s not as if I’m missing out much.’
‘’Course, we can catch up later. There’s a lot I need to tell you,’ Remus winks at him.
Regulus lets out a laugh, ‘Can’t wait.’
‘See you later, then. Sleep well,’ Remus says, finishing his food.
‘Bye, Remus.’
Remus goes straight to the dungeons, followed by Barty and Evan, who are leaning onto each other. Remus wishes the two of them finally got their feelings sorted out, but who is he to blame them if he’s walked in their shoes himself?
‘So, Lupin, how was your summer?’ Barty asks, legs crossed on the bed.
‘Fine. Yours?’
‘Fine. I could kill my father, though, I’m so done with him. He’s still thinking I can be changed, but who’s gonna tell him he’s ten years late to play a parent? Fucking bastard.’
Barty’s wearing an angry expression, clearly not even trying to hide feelings about his dad. Honesty didn’t always do him good. It’s pretty much always got him into trouble.
Evan comes up to him, patting him on the back.
‘I’m sorry mate, your dad is an asshole. Guess I could help you bury his body after you avada him?’
Remus smirks. ‘Count me in, lads. You can’t get away with a murder without my brains.’
He goes to sleep shortly after, delighted with how the first day went and thinking about how many other good days at Hogwarts await him. He can feel it will be a hard year, but he’s sure he can go through it. If not him, then who?