Soft twinkle lights hang off of lush tree branches at the dragon reserve. It’s a beautiful wedding reception in what was formerly a drab outdoor common area. Purple and white flowers had been placed on top of wooden tables around the makeshift dance floor. It was an impromptu event. Very fitting for the bride. Vannessa Castillo, now Castillo-Brum, director of Romania’s dragon reserve. Charlie’s boss and one of my closest friends. Next to Charlie of course.
“Drinking your sorrows, Kit?” A voice behind me asks.
Scoffing, I turn towards them. “And why would I be doing that?” I inquire.
Greg Gustov stands in front of me with an amused expression on his sweaty face. Charlie isn’t particularly fond of him, and neither am I.
“Weddings bring about a sort of longing, don’t they kitty?” I could vomit right here.
“I don’t pretend to know what you mean, Greg” I hope this conversation ends very soon. I for one do not feel a particular longing for a sweaty dragonologist named Greg.
“Oh sweetheart, don’t act stupid. It’s unbecoming.”
He lifts a hand and I’m prepared to show him just how much karate I know, but then he gestures behind my shoulder with a smirk. Charlie approaches us then. He looks glorious in his navy suit, tie loose, jacket forgotten on his chair, sleeves rolled up to show his glorious tatted and scared forearms. His unruly red hair is tied at the nape of this neck.
He leans against the bar where I’m seated, waiting for Greg to take his leave.
“Hey, you” He says slowly, with this look in his eye I can never place.
I think I might faint. From the heat. It’s quite warm tonight. I turn back and notice that Greg has left. Thank Godric.
“Not a moment too soon old friend” I say, placing a hand on the bare forearm Charlie has resting on the bar top. The small dragon tattoo there peaks and circles around my hand. Charmed.
I immediately regret the contact when I feel the heat rise to my cheeks. Pulling away, I rest my hand on the wood counter inconspicuously. He looks down at it for a second before meeting my eyes. “It looked like Greg might propose marriage at any second. Thought I’d save you” He jokes.
“Marriage? Really? I thought he was going to ask me for my kidney”
Charlie laughs heartily, his lips breaking into a smile. “What are you doing over here by yourself?”
I lift my drink and take a swig. “Drinking” Trying not to think about you in the way I’m wont to do.
“Kit, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made you come to a wedding right after your breakup with Chris”
Oh, right, Chris. Do I let Charlie believe I’m heartbroken over a guy I only dated because I couldn’t have him? Chris was fine. He was nice actually. But we were never going to work out. He wanted someone to have 2.5 perfect kids with him and bake him pies and rub his feet. I want a 6 foot red head dragonologist who loves quidditch and long walks in the woods. So you could say Chris and I weren't exactly a match.
Skewed honesty is better than outright lies right?
“Charlie, that was months ago. I told you I’m over him” I smile sincerely.
“It was a few weeks ago. But if you say so”
It feels like months. Chris and I only dated for 3 months. In all that time I really did try to make it work. I was determined to get over Charlie. I pushed him away to make room for a boyfriend. Even though it killed me inside. It was Charlie who came to my house at midnight to hold me as I cried the night Chris broke up with me. I felt like such a terrible person. Crying over a relationship because it had failed and not because of the person I had lost. It’s safe to say I didn’t eradicate my feelings for the second oldest Weasley.
Still, I say “I saw you dancing with one of the bridesmaids. She’s very pretty” I wiggle my brows and swallow my sorrow.
Charlie ignores my gesture. “I wanted to dance with you. But I couldn’t find you” He leans a little closer to me. My heart picks up. “Make it up to me?” he offers me a strong, calloused hand. I hesitate. It’s just a dance to him, but I can’t say the same for myself. I can’t guarantee my heart won’t rip to shreds when the song ends and he steps back. But my brain hasn’t worked as fast as my heart so I place my hand in his without thinking of every repercussion.
Before I know it I’m standing in the middle of the dance floor with Charlie. The song is something light and airy. A song for new lovers. Innocent and lovely. But we’re not lovers. And I can’t change it. Charlie has been my friend since 1st year at hogwarts. And to this day he continues to be the kindest man I know. I can’t fathom losing him.
I wrap my arm loosely around his neck as his hand settles on my waist. Our other hands are joined and like this I could almost pretend that it’s real. Here, softly swaying to the music, I feel safe.
“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” Charlie asks, startling me from my thoughts.
“Hmm, nothing important”
“Thinking about how poorly I dance, are you?” He smirks.
“Yes. Yes you really are awful” I joke.
“So that’s why you were avoiding me, eh?”
My heart jumps in my chest at the accusation. I look deeply into his amber colored eyes. Behind the mirth there is something that looks a lot like sadness. I curse myself for it. Of course he noticed. He is always so perceptive. He knew that a fifth year had broken my quill as a cruel “joke” when I hadn’t told a soul out of fear. 2nd year Gryffindor Charlie Weasley made that kid bawl like a little baby. I push the memory down.
I quickly think of another semi-truth to tell.
“I was only giving you space to talk to all the pretty singles” I laugh softly. But Charlie stays staring at me, the same half-hurt look in his eyes.
“You’re a bad liar Kit” he brings his hand from my waist to my face. His finger tip dances over the corner of my mouth. It takes everything in me not to move towards his touch.
“Your lip quivers when you lie. Did you know that?” My observant Charlie. Not mine.
His hand comes to rest back on my waist and I miss the shock his bare touch gave me. I look to the ground.
He continues, “I can’t seem to figure you out these days.”
“I wasn’t avoiding you”
“You’re more distant than usual. You ran off as soon as you got here”
“I wanted to see Vanessa first”
“We agreed beforehand to come to this together”
“Are you upset with me?” His tone says he might be but he looks more confused than anything.
“No. No, I just miss you Kit. I feel like I haven’t seen you in months” He avows. I feel an aching pulse in my chest at his admission.
“I know I was swept up in my relationship with Chris… I should have made more time for you. I’m sorry”
“You don’t have to be. I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty” he visibly swallows “you were in love with him. I understand.”
I shake my head more fervently than I mean to.
I look into his eyes when I say “I didn’t love him”
“You didn’t” It isn’t a question. I think it's more like he's saying it to himself.
“I tried to” I want to say so much more. I want to say but I love you. More than I ever meant to. More than I will ever love anyone else. Even if I never have you I could be content just knowing you exist.
“What got in the way?”
If I didn’t know any better I would say he’s baiting me. Waiting for me to say He wasn’t you.
“Differences” It will have to do for now.
A sigh escapes from his lips, but he ceases to ask any further questions. Instead, he pulls me closer to him. I rest my head on his sturdy shoulder. I might as well enjoy the night. Above us, the stars twinkle brightly in the clear sky. A cool breeze interrupts the soft warmth of the Romanian summer. And everything feels okay.
Back at Hogwarts Charlie and I were inseparable. He got me into trouble more times than I can count. He also saved me more than I’d ever admit. It was natural that after hearing that he got invited to work in Romania that I should move too. As a healer I could work practically anywhere. I could live my dream while Charlie got his. I found a hospital and a house and I was set. Though I do live a little further from Charlie than either of us likes. This works for us. It worked. But it can’t be this way forever. Someday Charlie will find someone. And I’ll put on a brave face, I’ll be supportive. It will be then that I will let us be friends and nothing more. For now I will live in ignorance. Sweet blissful ignorance. It feels like this; being enveloped in Charlie’s masculine scent as I sway in his arms. Eye’s lidded, body relaxed. Charlie is humming to the music. A different tune than before. I don’t know how long we have been like this. Time has stopped in my eyes.
“Kit” a whisper, as soft as silk caresses my ear.
I don’t want to acknowledge that this is almost over.
“I want-” Just then the speakers crackle and feedback rings through them.
Charlie and I startle apart and look to the stage.
"Sorry to interrupt everyone. We just want to say how grateful we are to all of you for coming out and celebrating our marriage with us" Vanessa's wife says into a microphone.
She's smiling so wide I think her face might break open.
"I know it was a last minute arrangement. I want to thank everyone who helped make this happen for us. It's just like my wife getting married at work.”
"May love find you all as it did us" Vannessa says as her wife leads her off the stage. Charlie is looking at me like he wants to say something. I wonder what he was about to say before. The silence is deafening now. It’s clear whatever moment we were having has passed.
“I think I’m going to head out” I’m tired and honestly done with this party.
“I’ll uh, take you home”
“No. It’s fine. You don’t have to go out of your way”
“Kit, you’ve been drinking. I want to make sure you make it back safe”
“I haven’t had that much. See?” I walk in a straight line and tap my fingers to my nose. Charlie laughs but I can tell he won’t back down.
“Okay fine” I acquiesce.
“Alright. I’m going to grab my jacket. Then we can say goodbye to Vannessa and Eliza together” I nod in reply. Together. As if we were a unit, a couple. I can’t get comfortable with this, it will only make the next step that much harder.
My eyes are drawn to the honorable guests who are rapidly approaching.
“Kit, I’m so glad you could make it” Eliza pulls me into a hug. I hug her back sincerely. When I arrived she was busy with her family. There are seven kids in Eliza's family, which Charlie and her immediately bonded over. I remember the night we met her being filled with silly anecdotes of both of their families. Some of which I remembered fondly from my summers with the Weasley clan.
“Did you hear back from Mungos yet?” My eyes widen and I search the area to make sure Charlie isn’t in earshot. I’m not ready to tell him I’ve been planning to move.
“No. Not yet. I’m not even set on leaving yet, so it isn’t a big deal” I don’t want to talk about this right now. Not with Charlie so close by. The plan is to wait as long as possible to bring it up. I think they sense my hesitation to talk about it.
“You two are heading out already?” Vanessa nods towards Charlie who is walking towards us, jacket in hand.
“Uh, yeah. I’m a bit tired.” She gives me a knowing look. Charlie places his navy jacket over my shoulders. I slip my arms through. The scent of him envelopes my senses and it’s enough to make my knees buckle. A steadying hand catches my elbow and keeps me upright. I look up at him in wonderment.
“What would you do without me?” Charlie jests.
What a loaded question. I shake off the moment and smile at the happy couple in front of us. “ Congratulations to you both; it was a lovely evening. Thanks for having us” Charlie hugs both of the women before us. He returns to my side and places a hand on my back.
“See you at the next one” Vanessa says with a wink. I’m perplexed at the meaning of this but I let Charlie lead me away before I can question her.
“Good night you two!” I call over my shoulder.
Charlie is eager to get out of here. As am I.
“What did Vanessa mean by, see you at the next one?”
Charlie shakes his head, avoiding eye contact. “Not a clue”
He apperated me home and that was that. I said goodnight and left him standing there.
Today is the day I put this all behind me. A letter arrived early this morning informing me that St. Mungo’s would be glad to have me join their team. Next week. Which means I have to pack up the last 5 years of my life and ship them to London. This doesn't mean I’m done with Charlie. I just need space if I’m ever going to move on. Can’t move on if I never look forward.
I pull books off the shelves in my room. One by one the boxes start to fill up. Trinkets, journals, memories. Everything is put into a square of cardboard and sealed with tape.
It’s 5pm by the time I decide to stop. Everything I don’t need immediately will be shipped later. I’ll bring what I need in my suitcase. If I keep checking things off my list I don’t have to feel. Until I get to the last step; say goodbye. Ever since losing my mom I haven't been very good at goodbyes. It’s true that not every goodbye is permanent. But I’ve always feared that it could be with Charlie. I held on so tight. Even when it wasn’t working for me to only be his friend. It was better than saying goodbye. Till now. Till I realized that eventually he might be the one to say it first. That would hurt much worse. I wouldn't let that happen. It’s time to start living my life. It’s time to accept that this isn’t going to go anywhere new. If I leave now I can protect my heart.
Staying around here trying to get Charlie to move on so I don’t have to, it’s wrong. So I’m headed back to London. Where I grew up. Where I lost my mom. Where I decided to become a healer. For her. Maybe going back is a way I can honor her. She always preached the importance of independence. This ones for you mom.
There’s a knock at the door that startles me out of my head. Charlie is on the other side of the door. He looks tired. Like he didn’t even go home last night. If it wasn’t for the change in clothes I’d believe that.
“Hi. I wanted to check in on you”
“Come in for a drink?” I ask, leaning against the door frame.
He doesn’t hesitate “make it a tea and I’m yours.”
A lump forms in the back of my throat. I cross the threshold into my home and swallow it down.
“Tea it is” I sing on my way to the kitchen.
I hear the door close and footsteps following me to the stove. I can feel his presence behind me. Every molecule in my body wants to turn around and tug him to me. I can’t count how many times a day my mind screams at me to just tell him. Tell him you love him, he’ll understand. Tell him you dream about him; tell him he’s lovely and kind and worth so much to you. Tell him how you’ll never get over him. Let him decide if you should run away or if it’s worth sticking around for. Instead I’m prepared to leave this all behind; like a coward.
I had forgotten to start the tea. My hand shakes as I pick up the kettle. It’s being pulled from my grasp before I can carry it to the sink.
“Why don’t you have a seat? I can make it” Charlie smiles at me softly.
There’s a little table in my kitchen situated by the window. I take a seat on the flea market chairs Charlie and I picked out.
“The reserve looked beautiful last night” I say something so I don’t say what I really want to.
“It better have. Spent a great deal of time on it” he chuckles.
“Sorry you had to leave early”
“I wanted to get outta there. Not one for crowds” he shrugs unbothered.
“Did you get the number of that woman you were dancing with?” Be his friend. Play it cool.
“Ah, I did. In fact I’m standing in her kitchen” He gives me a goofy look and leans against the counter.
“No you dummy. The bridesmaid”
“You were a bridesmaid, were you not?”
I give him a scathing look. He sighs.
“Why are you always trying to set me up?”
Because maybe if you were off the market it wouldn't hurt so much.
“Because I’ve never seen you date and I think that’s a shame”
“Why?”
“Because you deserve to be happy with someone. To have someone”
“I don’t need someone else. I have you, Kit”
He says it so sincerely, I might start crying any second.
“What if one day I move away. Then will you get a girlfriend?”
“No. I’d just follow you” He looks so serious. “Can’t get rid of me that easy”
He sets a steaming tea cup in front of me then takes a seat.
“So I see you’ve still written off romance”
This has been the defining factor. The reason I have never admitted my feelings. Charlie isn’t a relationship guy. He’s never expressed interest in anyone for very long. So how could I hope to be the exception?
“You really don’t see it?”
See what? There is nothing I hate worse than feeling out of the loop. Charlie sits back, crossing his arms against his chest.
“I know you’re planning on running away, Kit” Shit. My tea splashes onto the table. I don’t bother cleaning it up.
“Vanessa told me you applied for a position at St. Mungos. She was hoping I could convince you to stay” He looks… sad. I obviously expected him to be at first. But he looks almost heartbroken. I don’t speak.
“Am I losing you?”
I break at last, standing up, I brace myself against the table. The tears are pushing at my eyes. The effort to keep them at bay is making my head ache.
“Of course not” It comes out a little shaky. “It’s a good position. I could use a change of scenery” A lie. My hand flies to the corner of my mouth remembering what he said earlier. Charlie gets up and stands in front of me.
“You said you loved Romania. And if you want a different job I can get you a spot at the reserve clinic. Godric knows we could use a brilliant healer such as yourself. I know it’s entirely selfish of me to ask you to stay. It was unfair of me to ask you to come with me in the first place”
That isn’t how I remember it. My whole life it felt like I was chasing him. Chasing this shadow of a dream.
I shake my head.
There are so many things I could say that are better than, “You’re suffocating me and I need to get out”
The tears have pushed past and are now streaming down my cheeks. The utter pain in Charlie's eyes makes me want to hurl. I hurt him. I know I’ve just ruined everything now. The one thing I wanted was for us to continue being friends. But in all my efforts I pushed him too far. I went too far this time.
He makes like he’s reaching for me but recoils. “You don’t mean that. Have I upset you? Tell me what I have done and I will do anything to fix it. I would do anything for you. You know that”
“You can’t give me the one thing I want”
He doesn't stop himself this time. He grasps both of my shoulders gently. I have no choice but to look at him now. His eyes are tearful and red rimmed. I made Charlie Weasley cry and I can’t forgive myself.
“What is it that you want?” His voice is wavering. He’s desperate for the answer. Do I protect the one shred of myself I have left? Or do I finally come clean? Finally let my secret out and potentially ruin any chance we have of mending things.
“You feel it don’t you?”
I shake my head, perplexed. He lets go of me but stays close.
“I’m sorry if I came on too strong. It’s just I can’t fucking think straight around you, Kit. You’ve bewitched my mind.”
I’ve stopped breathing.
He cups a hand around my cheek so softly. Like my skin is made of porcelain and I might crack under the slightest pressure. “I’m madly in love with you. And when I’m with you everything feels right. I know it’s unfair. I shouldn't even be telling you this. I guess I’m hoping I’m not wrong in suspecting you might feel a modicum of what I do” hope sneaks in through the tears in his eyes. Thoughts are rushing around in my head at mach speed. I’m not even sure I’m hearing him correctly “Madly in love”. “Bewitched”. There is no way this is actually happening. But then his hand is caressing my tear streaked cheek and it feels so real. I take a deep breath to steady myself.
“How long?” I need to know how long I’ve been a fool. How long I could have been honest.
“5th year,” He whispers. And I break. I droop into his arms and he catches me like he always does. I clutch him close to me.
“I’ve loved you since I met you. But I knew I was deeply in love with you that summer. When we degnomed the garden and broke the window” I laugh through my tears.
“The one we blamed on the twins” I say leaning back to look him in the eyes. He smiles at me, nodding. “That summer I dreamt of kissing you in the garden nearly every day” I admit. Charlie breaks into an even bigger smile. One of relief and remembrance.
“I love you Charlie. I’m sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I’ve been deeply in love with you for so long. I should have told you. We wasted so much time”
I’m still crying, I’m finding it hard to stop now. Charlie hooks a hand behind my neck and pulls me forward till my forehead rests against his.
“None of our time together has been a waste my dear”
I bring my hands up to his cheeks. Wipe away the tears there. We probably look like a sorry lot right now.
“I would very much like to kiss you now. Would that be alright?” He asks.
How could I say no? “I would like that” I whisper into his lips.
His thumb caresses my cheek lightly. My eyes flutter close as I feel the gentle press of Charlie's lips against mine. I can’t believe that this is happening. Albeit a little more tearful than I had fantasized. This is so much more than I thought it would be. His lips are so soft and he’s kissing me slowly. Drinking me in. He breaks the kiss for the second to say, “I love you” before kissing me again. Deeper now. I take my time. Tasting him, memorizing the feel of his mouth moving against mine. There are moments in your life that you think about forever before they happen. The truth is you can never be sure if they’re dreams or meant to be. I was never sure if hanging onto hope for so long was the right choice. It’s funny how as soon as I decided to let go, it came to me. The part of me based in fear, my ego, was holding me back from the life I was meant to have. No longer will I cower in fear of the unknown. Charlie has shown me that I don’t need to anymore. There is a better way to live your life.
He grasps the back of my thigh and hoists me onto the table in one swift movement. He says “I’ve dreamt of having you like this.” I gasp into his mouth when he places a hand on my bare thigh and squeezes. My dress is hiked up just far enough to show my thighs. I don’t feel exposed in front of him like this. I push on his chest just enough to pause him. “Should we talk about this first?” I ask. He chuckles. “You just have to know everything don’t you my sweet Kit” Fondness laces his words. I kiss him once quickly, a peck. He chases my lips for another. Which leads to another. And we’re kissing again as heavily as before. I’m seconds away from ripping his shirt off when he breaks away from me.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re right. I just never want to stop kissing you. I think I’m addicted to you. You taste like strawberries. How do you taste like that?” He says in awe. Stepping back he opens his eyes and smiles at me. He pulls my dress down over my legs for me. our chests are heaving in sync, both trying to catch our breath.
“I don’t want to wait any longer. If it’s not too much for you I think you should move in with me. And you can work at the hospital at the reserve.” I don’t know if I should be trying to have a serious conversation right now when my head is spinning.
“Charlie, I love you. But you just kissed me so thoroughly I can’t think straight”
He laughs heartily.
“How do you think I feel? I just kissed the girl of my dreams”
The girl of his dreams. I could pass out. In every scenario I made up, it never ended well for us. I realize now that I was being a complete pessimist. My only reason for not confessing my feelings was that I expected an immediate disaster. You have to take chances for the things you love. Trust that you'll always land on your feet eventually. Charlie was the one who took the leap of faith, I wish I could say I was brave like that.
After catching our breaths Charlie is the first to say, "You were leaving because of me?"
"I knew that I couldn't stay around and wait for you to fall in love with someone. It was painful, Charlie. I didn't mean to push you away at first. I dated Chris in hopes that I could move on. But he wasn't you. And I couldn't pretend anymore"
"I should have told you how I felt years ago. I'm sorry I was such a coward"
"I could’ve told you too…It isn’t your fault"
He takes my hand in his.
"After your breakup with Chris I started flirting with you more. I hoped that if you didn't have feelings for me yet I might be able to woo you" He chuckles, hanging his head.
"at least one of us actually tried" I snort "so that's what you meant by coming on too strong?"
Charlie raises to meet my eyes. "It was a slow process. I'll admit I was scared out of my mind. I thought if I kept making advances you might catch on"
"Do you have examples of these advances? I feel completely stupid now" I have to laugh at myself.
"I started sending you flowers, making excuses to visit you at work, wrapping an arm around you, giving you my jacket more often. Subtle things. I don't blame you for not noticing"
But I did notice. The flowers made my head spin every time. I racked my brain trying to decide what they meant. I thought that he started visiting me at work because I hadn't been very present with him.
"I would have been more forward but you always seemed kinda put off by it. I vowed to stop after tonight. After you kept shoving me at that bridesmaid"
I grimace at the memory of how stubborn I was. Here I was totally in love with him pushing other women at him. And there he was believing I was indifferent. Stupid head-strong girl. I can see my mother scolding me, saying “this is why we don’t assume”. She loved Charlie. Oh if she could see us now. I wish I could call her up. You wouldn’t believe it mom. I can hardly believe it myself. The little decisions we make have a way of adding up to result in things we never expected. I never expected that pushing Charlie away was what would bring us together. Sure if I hadn’t pushed we would have been together long ago, possibly. But everything happens for a reason. And for that I am very glad. I’m very glad that for whatever reason the universe has given us this moment in time.
“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I made it so difficult”
“It was a little discouraging. You seemed very eager to get me married off”
I laugh so I don’t cry at the memory. It comes out more like a pathetic whimper.
“Hey, hey it’s alright don’t beat yourself up over it. There’s a lot of things we both could’ve done differently. I think it’s best if we start fresh and forget what could’ve been”
“You’re right. Let’s move on, together this time”
I slip my hand around the back of his neck and bring his lips back to mine. He happily obliges. There is no possible way I will ever tire of this. Of us. Sometimes the things we yearn for don’t feel like we expect them to. Or they don’t live up to our expectations. This is not one of those moments. This is blowing every preconceived notion out of the water. Now I know how it feels to get everything I’ve ever wanted.